Gods I really am pathetic. I stopped working, stopped being responsible for myself almost 3 years ago, and moved back with my parents in an attempt to give myself time to work on my mental health. Things have not improved at all. In fact, I think my mental state is worse than it has ever been before. I'm essentially at a point where I am completely unable to work, go to school, provide for myself in any way, or make meaningful connections. I live my life in black and white. A couple months ago, I was reminded what color felt like, just for it to be snatched away faster than it appeared. I'm left with nothing.
My family says they care, but in my attempts to please them and keep their worries at rest, I've grown to resent them more than I love them. Any true close friends I had have long since drifted away from me, and now I'm stuck with the only people willing to put up with me for longer than 5 minutes at a time. They're nice and all, but nobody gets me. Nobody actually wants me. Nobody appreciates me.
I have no aspirations. I've dreamt of love, but I honestly doubt I'll ever find it. I'm not stable enough to maintain a healthy relationship. To prepare myself for a real connection like that, I'd need to improve myself, but I have no idea how to get better. How am I supposed to deny my nature? How am I supposed to be happy in a world that tries its best to snuff out any spark of joy that arises?
I don't WANT anything. I try to keep myself hopeful and keep my sights on the future. I try to look forward to things. I just don't feel excitement anymore. The closest I get to excited is a mild desire to play a new video game. But with no way to make an income, I'm unable to get my hands on them. So I just sit in my room alone with more broken dreams piling up every day.
So what keeps me from ending it all? I have a cat. Yes, a cat. He is my baby. He is all I truly cherish anymore. The thought of him being confused and sad upon finding my corpse, or when I never come back home, breaks my heart more than the rest of this painful world does. So I stay. I endure it all for him. A small orange thread connecting my soul to this realm. The last thing for me to hold on to.
And here I am, some random, needy Tumblr blog. I made it to explore my interest in gfd. I think maybe since I have absolutely no direction in life, I wanted a mommy domme to take care of me and help steer me in the right direction. But who would want to take care of a hopeless basket case like me? Nobody is going to love me. Nobody is going to care.
Even you, reading this far into a random post that intrigued you for whatever reason. You don't actually care. You might pity me for feeling down on myself. You might wish that you could show me a spark of happiness to give me some hope. But you don't really care. You don't know me. You can scroll right past this, and your life won't change one bit.
How do I know? Because I've posted plenty, I've reblogged plenty, I've interacted with plenty of people. My pinned post practically begs people to reach out to me, and yet here I am with empty DMs. I guess you could call this a cry for help. One more desperate attempt to see if anyone could possibly care.
What's going to happen to this post? Maybe a few of my followers and mutuals will see it. I doubt more than one of them will read the entire thing. Maybe some will relate to the sad beginning because they struggle with depression too. I might get a like or two, but this post will inevitably get swept under the rug, ignored and forgotten. Just another instance of nobody caring enough to even try to help.
I've been so starved of companionship for years now. I haven't had any form of romantic connection in literal years. My best friends all dispersed and have their own lives, and don't have time to stoop back down to my level to try and lift me up with them.
Everyone says it gets better. Everyone says so. So why has it only gotten worse for me? Why has nothing improved in the slightest? Why have I held on to hope for this long? Why won't somebody, anybody, reach out to me and love me?
I believe I was made for a different world. A fantasy world, a sci-fi world, a post apocalyptic world, someplace where my heart's wings could spread out and find freedom. My soul dreams of soaring in the skies, discovering untold secrets, being a hero, being adored. In this reality, things like that are considered nothing but a child's immature dream. A falsehood of wonder that they will lose when they realize what an awful place this world really is.
Somebody prove to me that it isn't all for naught. Show me something that makes me believe that this world might actually have some worth to it. I'm begging you. I'm pleading with any gods listening. Whatever cosmic beings of the universe might grant a poor lost soul his one wish. Give me a sign at least. Show me I haven't been holding on and suffering for nothing. And if it's not going to get better, then please, for the love of everything pure, just end me already. I'm so tired. Tired of trying. Tired of being. Tired of existing. Please.
