incog-negro

(^ i'm black i can say that) | poetry/writing account | incognito so people i know don't see this and expose me |

[softgaypoetry]

i wonder how i would react if i ever smelled your scent again.

i know that’s weird, but for a while all i wanted to smell was you. those 3 months i went without smelling you? pure torture.

but then on that first day that i had been waiting so long for, when i hugged you to be met with stiff arms and an indifferent expression, you didn’t smell the same.

you got taller too.

and i wonder, if i ever smelled the scent again that i would smell when i used to sit on your lap, or when we would share a chair, or when i told you i loved you, what i would do.

would i cry? would i freeze? would i tell you to back the fuck away from me, you’re too goddamn close, i don’t love you anymore, you never loved me?

probably some combination of all three.

don’t come near me ever again, please. i don’t want to smell it again.

[softgaypoetry]

dear lover

did i hurt you, dear lover?

did my tears distract you from the people you value more than me?

were you hurt by how many times i told you i loved you? did all of my compliments and declarations of undying love harm you?

as the old addage goes, did my back hurt your knife?

i'm sorry i expected you to care about me. i'm sorry for being hurt when you repeatedly belittled and insulted me.

i'm sorry i ever loved you in the first place, because clearly it was a mistake.

i'm sorry for being a terrible person. "i love you" is clearly the worst insult of all.

i guess it really is "our nature," huh.

sorry for the late night texts telling you how much i love you. i understand why you didn't say it back, because i'm obviously an asshole, right?

i'm "such a mean person," right?

do you have any idea of how unlovable and ugly and downright stupid i felt whenever i spoke to you? stupid for letting myself fall in love, stupid for believing you ever loved me, stupid, stupid, stupid.

but i'm done. i'm giving you the best gift of all: you never have to speak to me again. congratulations.

as you so eloquently put it in the last three words you ever spoke to me:

"crisp as fuck."

[softgaypoetry]

why do you love me?

what do you see in me that nobody else does?

was it a lie?

to keep both of us from feeling bad?

was it a miscalculated feeling that came from knowing my feelings?

i doubt you love me anyway.

i doubt anybody does.

why would they?

why would you, of all people?

if you "love" me, why don't you show it?

you never do.

at least not anymore.

so then why do you keep reassuring me when i know you don't love me anymore?

did you really love me in the first place?

[softgaypoetry]

when you, i feel

when you don't reciprocate gestures, i feel unloved

when you don't talk to me, i feel like you never wanted to in the first place

when you do talk to me, i feel like you're growing annoyed with me

when you say you love me, i feel like you're lying

my heart still soars

when you look at me, i feel beautiful

when you hug me, i feel unstoppable

when you spend time with me, i feel happy

when you tell me you love me too, i feel unworthy

my eyes still cry

my tears won't dry

my breaths still shake

my heart still breaks

you have my heart

don't break it

please.

it's all i have

[softgaypoetry]

sleep

just once i wish i could taste your sweet essence

to keep me from being weary

sometimes your long lanky fingers brush my face and cradle my cheek

but i open my eyes to see that it's nothing but my imagination

the dark closes in on me and my mind starts to wander

you're the only thing keeping me from giving in to the dark

and yet you don't come

every time i feel myself being held in your arms it's nothing but a mirage

in an oasis of the desert inside my own head

i reach out but my hand grabs nothing

i close my eyes but am only met with the darkness behind my eyelids

i open them to find the darkness in my room and in my head

i ache for you

and you never come

[softgaypoetry]

last night i dreamt of my first kiss

it felt so real

one of my hands wrapped around her hip and the other on her back

her arms wrapped around my neck, making me feel safe

in the dream i could see the face that i miss so much, the face that could always make me smile

i barely remember what she looks like

i could smell her, the scent that would fill my brain and heart with happiness when i put my head on her shoulder

i barely remember what she smells like, either

it's as if my subconscious wanted to bring her back to me in a dream

as i await the next time i can see her

because being with her is always like a dream.

[softgaypoetry]

all i want

is to hold your face in my hands

and tell you that you're the most beautiful thing i've ever seen

because it's true

all i want

is to hold you

until the pain goes away

until you and i are free

together

all i want

is to see your smile

forever

and keep it in my heart

for the times when i miss you

and you seem so far away

all i want

is you

[softgaypoetry]

sometimes i still think about you

sometimes i still think about your kind words and soft looks

sometimes i still think about how you told me loved me

how you told me i deserved the world

how you talked to me so sweetly and swept me off my feet

how we were so new

and i was so naïve

how you told me you'd do anything for me

and how i believed you

sometimes i still think about how i lost you

[softgaypoetry]

scars

trigger warning ; slight self harm mentions

some scars don't fade

some burn into the back of your head and stay there

a broken promise

a broken heart

a broken 'i love you'

all held together by scars

faded white lines

forever reminding you of a mistake

a mark

showing you'll never truly be good enough

it will never be the same

you will never be the same

[softgaypoetry]

fragmented memories

blurred visions

flash back

to what seems so long ago

our late night talks

a nascent relationship

before the heartbreak

lies

deceit

when it was only

us

[softgaypoetry]

numb

don’t blink

don’t breathe

sit quietly

hands in lap

ignore the violence

ignore the injustice

ignore your feelings

don’t express

just sit numbly

no feeling

can’t feel your hands clench into fists

can’t feel the tears streaming down your face

can’t feel the sickness inside

just be still

numb

[softgaypoetry]

choices

who would you give your heart to?

the good friend, the safe choice, the guy next door?

or the dark horse, the new guy, the one that slipped away?

you know where your heart’s lied for the past year

but you can’t deny the way he makes you feel

how you’re so drawn to him

the other seems so wrong

when this new one’s so right

but you’ve known him so long

safety?

or passion?

comfort?

or attraction?

only time will tell

[softgaypoetry]

wallflower

tell people what they want to hear run away from the fear don’t let them come near wallflower

hide away in the shade and hope you’ll just fade ‘cause you don’t have it made wallflower

he won’t love you back fade into the black it’s going off track wallflower

turns into a fight it comes every night and you just don’t feel right wallflower

[softgaypoetry]

missing you

as the evening ends in a pejorative way i find myself longing for you to stay you’re the only thing that was good today i guess i’ll be alone

your loquacious voice rings in my ear a voice i always long to hear a voice that gets rid of my fear i think it feels like home

without you i can feel no rest my loneliness put to the test and when i feel it closing in my heart finds you to confide in

i want to hold you oh so close you’re the one i want the most and when i think ‘it’s there, almost’ it always seems to roam

[softgaypoetry]

to a special someone

i wish you just knew

how much i love you

all i want in life

is for you to be free of strife

all i want right now

is to talk with you somehow

all i want to say

is ‘i love you’’ every day

all i want to hear

is your soft voice in my ear

all i want to do

is spend my time with you

all i want to see

forever, you and me

i wish you felt the same

i guess that i’m to blame

[softgaypoetry]

a short love poem

how am i supposed to focus on anything

when all i can think of is you?

your eyes, your hair, your lips, your face

all seem to be calling my name

your hands, your arms, your fingers, your shoulders

hold me in a warm embrace

your neck, your chest, your stomach, your hips

waiting to be squeezed and praised

your thighs, your legs, your feet, your toes

always running through my mind

how am i supposed to love anyone else

when my whole life is encompassed by you?

[softgaypoetry]

alone.

i’m alone again.

the seat next to me is empty save for air.

the air occupies my bed next to me, too.

i can’t love air, and air can’t love me.

air can’t validate me.

i can’t cling onto air to ground myself when there’s nothing else to cling onto.

air can’t stroke my hair and tell me it’s going to be okay.

air can’t wrap its arms around me to keep me warm.

at least air can’t ignore me.

i can’t hopelessly chase after air in an attempt to fill the hole in my heart.

i can’t get heartbroken over air.

air can’t leave me like others can and have.

at least i have air.