Thoughts, dreams And Stuff

[solemnpuddleofmoss]

The fact that I’m scared of horses, makes me think most of my ancestors were peasants and fishermen.

[solemnpuddleofmoss]

I overestimate my parents a lot.

In my heart they are so much better.

In my eyes they are crumbling a bit more every year.

[solemnpuddleofmoss]

I’m writing a long letter to my ex as therapy homework, it’s getting long but I can’t stop I have so many things to say.

Today I finish the writing session with this sentence:

“So I made light of some situations that made me feel uncomfortable, like the dick on the belly or proposing to me in the park.”

[solemnpuddleofmoss]

I have a strange relationship with being complimented on my looks, it confuses me.

You see my mom used to tell me when I was a kid about how Sara in the Bible was beautiful and she had to hide it and make herself unattractive so the Pharaoh wouldn’t kill Abraham, her husband, and take her. Hearing that story again and again has definitely messed something up in me in the weirdest way that I can’t even begin to analyze.

[solemnpuddleofmoss]

I had my first kiss at 15, under a night sky brimming with stars. It was such a soft moment.

I’m glad God let me experience this tenderness, knowing I shouldn’t have let my feelings run free like I did. Knowing he was not the one and would break up with me 3 days later and make me go through an existential crisis over my beliefs and family.

Knowing I would get religiously married with a terrible man and suffer 3 years of emotional and sexual abuse before gathering the strength to separate from him and go through once again an existential crisis over my beliefs and family.

I’m glad he let me remember the tenderness of that first kiss as it was, letting me yearn for something akin to it.

[solemnpuddleofmoss]

I read somewhere that dreams which include body horror which feels “good” are signs of a spiritual awakening or resurrection.

I’ve had those few times and it always fit.

Like when I realized I should be honest when I didn’t want to have sex instead of not saying anything and letting my then husband do what he wanted, which is a whole other terrible story.

I dreamed I had pens inside one of my calves, but before I took them out one after the other, leaving long holes in my legs, I first gently unfolded a string that was inside my thumb. I took it out until there was a hole in my hand that I could see my bone from. And let me tell you it all felt so very nice. Like a sweet itch you scratch gently but deeply.

[solemnpuddleofmoss]

There’s a spider in my kitchen with 4 legs on one side and only one on the other.

I hope she makes it, she seems persistent and strong.

How long do these thin legged spiders live ?

[solemnpuddleofmoss]

As a kid I just couldn’t comprehend how anyone could create music, in the sense that I felt every music that could exist had already been invented.

Every time I tried to put notes together to create something new I would end up with the Star Wars main theme or the Hobbit’s theme or just any song I knew…

I still can’t create music, I am in awe of anyone who can and I appreciate it all the more really.

[solemnpuddleofmoss]

When I was about 8 I heard the song Amaranth by Nightwish for the first time cause one of my brother was a fan, it was my very first how to say… musical trance ?

You best believe I listened to it on repeat, pretending I was playing every single instrument, jumping and exhausting myself until I simply lay on the ground and listened to it more, feeling like nothing could be so inspiring in my life.

[solemnpuddleofmoss]

The French Antonio Banderas is Oliver Minne.

You know, that kind of man I’d loved to be passionately held by the waist by.

[solemnpuddleofmoss]

Magic Sword

Take my soul, take me to your world, let me be a small hill there which your protagonists will walk on twice in all their lives.

[solemnpuddleofmoss]

I dreamed I was making this post so there it goes :

I just want to be dragged through a jungle with Rambo as he makes traps that decimate a hunting troop of people that want to kill me, and just enjoy watching him make his craft you know.

[solemnpuddleofmoss]

An almost 80 year old lady who’s maybe a head shorter than me grabbed my jaw like a villain today and said :

“You’re lovely, do you have a husband?”

And when I told her no I separated from my partner some months ago, she went on without missing a beat :

“Find one.”

And then she left. Was it a threat ?

[solemnpuddleofmoss]

Self-loathing is a peculiar demon, it is bored, it is tired. It comes out half-heartedly nowadays, the passion it showed in my teenage years worn down by friendships and sincere introspection.

Thank fucking God

[solemnpuddleofmoss]

I know I have something, because i just do, I have a compulsive disorder that I can’t ignore or pretend is anything other than some sort of behavioral extreme from some mental something related to anxiety or some brain chemistry.

But I am terrified of trying to get diagnosed and a full room of lab-coated people look down at me and

“you have nothing stfu”

I don’t think I’d survive that.

[solemnpuddleofmoss]

The way the Duolingo owl fits with my ordered folders~

[solemnpuddleofmoss]

When I did my blind playthrough of Baldur’s gate 3, I killed all the druids of the grove, this caused the death of many many tieflings, I killed Karlach, cause she blamed me for it, had Halsin die because I didn’t accompany him out of the goblin camp I stealthily intruded and I would like to express that I had no idea all of this was going to happen when I made my choices.

I was shocked and horrified when I realized that the consequences of what I believed every time was the best choice was actually a chaotic evil mess.