Solilola

Basically a blog to trace the journey of my quarter-life crisis (mostly angst).

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[solilola]

Cataclysmic

Have you ever been in a situation where you feel like your life feels cataclysmically screwed up?

The thing is I am not even sure if this is just the accumulation of everything hence everything feels intense or am I just exaggerating everything.

What I know for sure is this feels heavy.

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It takes only one minor inconvenience to get myself into downward spiraling.

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I am always going to be amazed at how many emotions someone can feel at the same time.

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Dad.

On my journey trying to love him for who he is and forgive him for who he isn't. Marked this day as the day I realized, I love my siblings as much as my parents love them too. So, I hope that would be a good reminder that that is what matters the most.

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I guess I'm just scared, if I try to stop caring about everyone and everything once I might be heartless all the way.

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What do you think, mom.

If it weren't for you, I would not be as forgiving as I am today.

If it weren't for you, I do not think I would be able to stand up and show up for myself.

If it weren't for you, I would not know how to love everyone properly.

If it weren't for you, I would forget about what life is all about.

Even after you have taught me all these things and I have yet not turn into what you wished I turned out to be. I wish you will and always love me as I am.

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That particular day,

when you feel you miss hometown

when you miss your friends

when you miss yourself.

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Being a Nine.

To quote the lyricist himself, nine has a tendency to self-forget I forgot this song exist but I didn't forget how much it hits me.

Who am I to say what any of this means I have been sleepwalking Since I was fourteen

I have been feeling like this for more than half of my life, I never really lived in the moment. Just a thought of having a good time and taking a picture to commemorate it, feels unfamiliar. I thought, I might start taking a picture even over small things since 4 years ago but I didn't do it.

Honestly, it’s easier To let myself forget Still, I check my vital signs Choked up, I realize I’ve been less than half myself For more than half my life

The thought of me living to my fullest potential, to give my all for all the things I love seems like it only exists in my head. I didn't know how to get there.

Wake up Fall in love again Wage war on gravity There’s so much worth fighting for you’ll see

Some days eventually something woke me up, I have so much growing up to do. I have people to love. I have things to do, to make my life better. Those days feel great.

It looks like empathy To understand all sides But I’m just trying to find myself Through someone else’s eyes So show me what to do To restart this heart of mine How do I forgive myself For losing so much time?

For the longest time, to empathize with people I make it as my personality. Forgetting my roots, not realizing just how I abandoned my own self. I thought I could learn from listening to people's past, stories, traumas. I neglected myself.

So show me what to do To restart this heart of mine

Have been asking my whole life about life's manual. Asking people how to live, to feel, how do I get to where I want to go but not knowing the destination.

I let the scale tip and feel all of it It’s uncomfortable but right We were born to try To see each other through To know and love ourselves and others well Is the most difficult and meaningful Work we’ll ever do

I like how Ryan ends the lyric with a hopeful ambiance. In the end of the day, I do realize that I know I have to live to be able to remember what I have been through, to embrace changes. To love and live more that I am here, to exist.

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The luxury to spend quality time with your family.

I hope I get it sooner than I expected. Before it's too late.

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Kinda lost myself when I stopped learning about myself.

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For the longest time I knew what I want and for the longest time I thought I knew what I need. For the longest time I thought I knew parts of me.

And, lately I have been feeling lost. I lose parts of myself that I thought would be with me until I'm old. I lose the sight of what I want and what I need. I lose friends though I gain new ones.

I have always been that kind of person who would go MIA for 2 weeks then I'd catch up with everyone again after that and I know that is a jerk move of a friend.

And it feels like the world is moving and I am standing still where I have always been. I asked myself, maybe I am staying still because I decided to? Having a fight with people you love is awful but having a fight with yourself in your own mind is terrifying.

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I have so much in my head, I'm afraid I'll explode.

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Sometimes it feels like the world keeps going yet I'm barely moving.

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I think the scariest thing is when you're losing parts of yourself and you would not have any energy left to care about other people.

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I wanted to disappear.

And I still want to disappear.

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Truth is between trying to cope with life, adulting and thinking about global warming. I don't even think I can see tomorrow.