#personaljunk

[solilola]

I guess I'm just scared, if I try to stop caring about everyone and everything once I might be heartless all the way.

[virginiagreene]

#growthisuncomfortable #somedaysbetterthanothers #selfportrait #catharticart #itjusttakessometime #everythingeverythingwillbealright #notabird #personaljunk

[solilola]

Untitled.

It is really hard for me to write sometimes or simply telling my friends about how I feel. I have the tendency to always want to see other possible perspectives on everything. Even my feelings. Which is messed up because for example when I get disappointed, I think about the reason why they do what they did. When it's not even my job to think about. I make excuses for them and I didn't do any justice for myself. Ironic, right? I have never really been the type that could sit down and be one with my feelings and figure out everything about it and what to do with it. I have let them to get me down though, there were days when I just want to sleep in my bed all day and between those days, I don't even know what I was feeling all I know is that I'm not okay.

[solilola]

Cataclysmic

Have you ever been in a situation where you feel like your life feels cataclysmically screwed up?

The thing is I am not even sure if this is just the accumulation of everything hence everything feels intense or am I just exaggerating everything.

What I know for sure is this feels heavy.

[nomoreturns]

I swear the world is nonexistent when I'm scrolling and fasting...

[solilola]

That particular day,

when you feel you miss hometown

when you miss your friends

when you miss yourself.

[solilola]

Being a Nine.

To quote the lyricist himself, nine has a tendency to self-forget I forgot this song exist but I didn't forget how much it hits me.

Who am I to say what any of this means I have been sleepwalking Since I was fourteen

I have been feeling like this for more than half of my life, I never really lived in the moment. Just a thought of having a good time and taking a picture to commemorate it, feels unfamiliar. I thought, I might start taking a picture even over small things since 4 years ago but I didn't do it.

Honestly, it’s easier To let myself forget Still, I check my vital signs Choked up, I realize I’ve been less than half myself For more than half my life

The thought of me living to my fullest potential, to give my all for all the things I love seems like it only exists in my head. I didn't know how to get there.

Wake up Fall in love again Wage war on gravity There’s so much worth fighting for you’ll see

Some days eventually something woke me up, I have so much growing up to do. I have people to love. I have things to do, to make my life better. Those days feel great.

It looks like empathy To understand all sides But I’m just trying to find myself Through someone else’s eyes So show me what to do To restart this heart of mine How do I forgive myself For losing so much time?

For the longest time, to empathize with people I make it as my personality. Forgetting my roots, not realizing just how I abandoned my own self. I thought I could learn from listening to people's past, stories, traumas. I neglected myself.

So show me what to do To restart this heart of mine

Have been asking my whole life about life's manual. Asking people how to live, to feel, how do I get to where I want to go but not knowing the destination.

I let the scale tip and feel all of it It’s uncomfortable but right We were born to try To see each other through To know and love ourselves and others well Is the most difficult and meaningful Work we’ll ever do

I like how Ryan ends the lyric with a hopeful ambiance. In the end of the day, I do realize that I know I have to live to be able to remember what I have been through, to embrace changes. To love and live more that I am here, to exist.

[solilola]

So I have always had this thought about why is it so damn hard for me to open up to people, apart from my childhood issue I mean. Then there comes a time when I legit thought the reason why I (barely) had any fights with my friends was because I put low expectations on people and I thought I didn't have any, because whenever they do something disappointing, I'm not surprised nor I was disappointed. Something happened and I moved on.

Then, I met a therapist, she didn't really helped but I realized that I should appreciate my friends more and be more vulnerable to them because they're my friends and they care about me.

...and I did, but then you guessed it right. I opened up and I was disappointed by their responses. And fuck how I was fooling myself thinking I never expected anything from everyone.