SOLIS | JOURNIS @solisjournis - Tumblr Blog

Learning Life's Lessons

get off the "merry go round" and move forward

ahhh starting fresh can be both scary and invigorating!

When I finally prioritized my healing journey, I created some key strategies to cope with the pain while leaning into all of trauma and overcoming.

1.) Pain is proof

In this social system, we have been convinced that the avoidance of pain is the ultimate objective in life. We strive for a resistance free life because we’ve been shown illusions of success.

I don’t know of one Olympic athlete or accomplished leader who hasn’t mastered the art of pain management.

Body builder’s sculpt their bodies with pain from strategic resistance.

Dancers defy their body’s limits through practice and fearless emotion. To feel pain, is to know you are present in your vessel.

Pleasure is on the other side of pain. It’s the below to the above in both physical experiences and the invisible side of life.

How do you know what pleasure is if you’ve never experienced pain?

Relief comes from the resolve of conflict and satisfaction lies in the resolution.

2.) Cycles need to close

To many open doors behind or in front of you, can lead to self-sabotaging energy. Making a decision and learning from it is far better that being indecisive and waiting until the doors close on you.

I’ve watched way to many people miss out on opportunity because they were afraid of failure, and so they didn’t choose to move forward…

They just stood still.

I’ve learned from my own avoidance habits and give myself a “line in the sand” when faced with a series of choices. I assess the truth of a presented opportunity and feel my way through it.

Does the Yes resonate, or does the No feel better?

Not choosing to respond, short circuits your momentum. Passivity is a choice.

If I ask you a question and you choose not to respond, that is your response.

3.) Prioritize or stagnate

Prioritization is evidence of your belief system. If you believe something is worthy of your energy, you prioritize it. If you believe you are worth prioritizing, you will stop at nothing to insure you are taken care of.

What do you prioritize daily?

4.) Observe, Reflect, Ideate, Create, Decide, Express, Design, Complete, Share, Data, Improve, Repeat

Process Flow for expansion

Observe your body’s responses to people, environments and stimulants. Unpack your feelings when they show up in response. Perceive the truth within your surroundings.

What are the non-verbal communications you are receiving?

Reflet on as much as possible. Reflection is like a playback function of your memory and it helps you sort out and categorize information that you need in order to update your understanding and enhance your wisdom.

Ideate is an invisible process within your mind that is necessary for you to apply what you have observed and reflected on. Ideation is connecting the dots and forming a vision that resonates with you at your core.

A vision is created from ideation processes.

Creation is the biproduct of an ideation process. The creation of a material product or a plan of action, starts with a clear vision.

What are your desires and are they in alignment with your soul’s journey towards balance?

Decide whether or not you are going to move forward or if you need some more time to rest, ideate, understand or digest.

Don’t rush unless you need to make instant life protecting choices.

Express your emotions in every moment. Use your choices (ie: what you put on), your voice, your art, your love, or your rage to portray your authenticity. This will allow you access to your transmutation abilities.

Design solutions that consider you and your community. Community is found at the intersections of your identity. Design is an iterative process. A process that is either attempting to problem solve, master a concept or evolve an understanding.

Completion or implementation of your plan or designed solution, is just the beginning of this healing journey.

How will you apply wisdom using the knowledge you have gained?

Data is gathered information that either focuses on quantities, narratives or both. When you use both quantitative and qualitative data, you can correlate, compare, contrast, and balance an assumption.

Perspective shift is seeing it from a new angle or opposite view point.

Perception is grounded in either a fear or faith based mindset. Are you wearing sun glasses or allowing the sun shine to soak your face in love?

Do you Believe or you have doubt. If you have doubt, are you allowing it to undermine your vision or are you pressing through to identify the evidence to encourage your belief?

If there isn’t any evidence then maybe its a sign of something not in alignment. See the truth for what it is. Assess the data and process it. Many need sequential external process workflows, but some flow from an internal understanding.

Improve the design if the data shows you inconsistencies or stagnation.

Don’t just see the truth and do nothing. At the very least, update your understanding.

This is where many people fall off from gaining progress in their life.

Repeat as needed and you will get to the best outcome for your life.

5.) Accountability is your safety belt .

Who are you accountable to?

If you can’t think of anyone, you need to find a community to connect to that loves you and will show up in reciprocal energy.

6.) Anchor yourself in the truth

Anchoring yourself in the truth is a process that relies heavily on active listening. Confirmation is evidence that comes from multiple sources converging on an understanding or conclusion.

Of course, biases are the reason why most people ignore the truth.

7.) Shift your perspective, Choose your lens.

Have you ever turned your head to see the sun and then put on your sun glasses?

Have you ever considered the viewpoint of the sun?

What it must feel like to shine upon the surface and desire to share warmth and free vitamin D but to be met with someone who is afraid of it?

The best movies are always the ones that shift the angle or perspective of the viewing audience to see situations and circumstances in a new light.

8.) Celebrate your growth

Celebrating my growth has been difficult lately.

I’ve found it hard to acknowledge how far I’ve come when still seeing my neighborhood environment stay the same.

Although my circumstances in my daily life have shifted towards the betterment, I’m still waiting on witnessing the evidence…

So how can I celebrate something I haven’t seen proof of it yet?

This is when I go inward. I encourage myself by reviewing my expressions, my art and creating my own roadmap toward success.

Proof is can be subjective.

Evidence in a court of law can be swayed with one juror’s doubt.

Sometimes proof is merely seeing what is unfolding before your eyes.

Feelings are the sixth sense and this is why knowing who you are and expressing your personal truth is so essential to overcoming stagnation.

Others can confirm invisible understandings only if you are unafraid to express yourself. Otherwise, silence will undermine the truth.

9.) Peace is the evidence of love being balanced within

Peace is the result of a balanced overstanding of self and the understanding of others.

10.) Leadership is forged in the fire

I personally don’t trust leaders who haven’t overcome adversity.

The greatest teacher is life itself.

Those who horde education aren’t the wisest.

Those who apply as they learn, now those are the people I want on my team.

11.) Everything alive, changes.

Are you alive?

Do you regularly evolve after having epiphanies?

Update your understanding in REAL time (stop everything and prioritize updating your memory archives.)

12.) Death isn’t final, it’s a transition phase.

Death is a construct.

It is only a phase of an energetic life cycle.

Reincarnation is real.

How does this truth change your perspective?

lifeandtimesofljm

Big Bold Boundaries

Change your life with preset boundaries.

Becoming the master of myself using preset boundaries took 4 decades to accomplish. I was the default “go to person” in my friend group, when it came to “picking my brain” or getting “something for nothing.” I didn’t think anything of it because I genuinely love helping people problem solve and get in alignment with their desired life experience. The issue was that I was typically over giving and ending up with more heartache that pleasure and no one seemed to care.

Didn’t seem to matter what the context of relationship it was, I was pouring into people who didn’t know how to reciprocate energy.

So, how did I break myself out of these energy draining habits? Figuring out what I desired in advance.

1.) Predetermine your desired experience

This means, spending time imagining what sort of relationship scenarios you desire to experience. For dating, I’m having to imagine the type of environments I’d like to be in when engaging new people. Knowing what spaces feel the safest and which ones that raise my anxiety insures that I’ll at the very least, I’ll enjoy the ambiance just incase the connection isn’t a match. I am the one who takes themselves on a dinner date and then to the movies, identifying the perfect spot for a date, just incase I ever get asked. It may seem fantasy driven but it helps to build self assurance and set a standard of experience that satisfies. It makes for a more custom and authentic life that is based on joy instead of wandering and manifesting low expectations.

2.) Create a do’s and don’ts list of behavior you expect from everyone

Writing out some “behavior absolutes” you won’t tolerate makes you more aware if and when those actions are present in a relationship. Manipulative people tend to draw close to those who haven’t articulated how they expect to be treated. This do’s and don’ts list also serves as a standard for you to follow because it means you are also accountable to meet these expectations. An example of this is establishing a “canceling procedure” that feels good.

What is the amount of time that you need in advance for someone to confirm?

How long do you wait for someone?

I’ve been embarrassed at the amount of time I’ve waited for people to show up. I’m currently in a mood where I just tell people to text me when In route because I’m so used to failed outing plans. For dates, Its a hard 15 mins past agreed time before I shift gears and replace my time slot.

I’ve also been in situations where I’ve run late for online meetings and had to apologize for logging on late. It’s certainly a faux pas with new standards of engagement taking over and I’m the casual one of the group.

Some people are super flexible and don’t have a problem with last minute cancels, I’m typically one of these people. I’ll also find something to occupy myself with so my last minute canceling boundary is typically 1 to 2 hours before a scheduled outing. I personally don’t get bothered, however, If canceling plans becomes a way of being, I’ll loose interest in that friendship.

3.) What is your tolerance for arguments?

I don’t enjoy argumentative people. I do enjoy heartfelt discussions. For me, there is a clear delineation when it comes engaging with people who aren’t active listeners. My rapid thought process isn’t for the faint of heart. At this stage in my life, I quickly assess what level of deep conversation I can have with certain people, and how to keep it in the “shallow end” of the convo pool.

4.) What are your trigger words? What is your ideal body language style?

Knowing what words spark negative emotional responses out of you, will really increase the quality of people you have in your life. A pet peeve is be face to face with someone whose body language is completely disengaged. I will go silent and let the awkwardness stew. I’m not wasting my words on anyone who is looking past me and around at everyone else but me.

What topics do you discuss with new people?

I’m awkward af. I’ll talk about anything I have interest, knowledge and wisdom about. Talking about personal topics in group settings or discussing taboo topics when first meeting people may be way to complex for you and this should be predetermined boundary. This way, you can easily feel a conversation shift into waters that are choppy and uncomfortably bound to breach your barriers.

4.) Learn how to walk away gracefully

When you’re at an event, have you mastered the art of “excusing” yourself? Knowing the social cues of when your body or “gut” is signaling for you to move on is crucial. Standing in a circle with multiple “speed talkers” is something that gets my anxiety brewing. People that must be heard are often the people that I shy away from. I’m usually sipping something observing the interpersonal group dynamics and determining whose lying and whose sweating the most. That’s just me of course. If I’m the host, welp, you’ll get another side of me. Knowing when you step forward and when to step away is a key boundary, I suggest you master it.

5.) Learn to say “NO” or “Nope” or “ Naw” or “Never”

Learning to articulate when something isn’t working for you is super helpful, especially when in business. If you can determine whether or not something isn’t going to work in advance, you are going to have a great life experience. I’ll be the first to admit that I do have an avoidant attachment style and would enjoy a low conflict life… if the world worked the way I imagined it… until then, “No thanks” has saved me from prolonged distress and I highly recommend you predetermine when to use it.

Boundaries are a necessary part of all human experiences and those who know how to eb and flow with them intact are guaranteed to enjoy the ups and the downs like an fun roller-coaster.

lifeandtimesofljm

Doubters Into Believers. Transmute fear into faith and doubt into belief.

For the majority of my life I’ve been the labeled as the outsider. The visionary, surrounded by leaders who struggle with foresight and followers who avoid hindsight. It’s been a thankless journey to reach a space where my clarity of understanding not only resonates with those around me but affords me a platform to share my truths.

The benefit of having my wisdom and innovation doubted at every phase meant that I now know exactly what the naysayers are digging up in their bag of “who does she think she is?” I have let fear of failure block me from attempting many solo endeavors, but I never let it rob me of an opportunity that presented itself.

One question that sets me on the path towards dismantling any fear of success is:

What do I need to succeed?

Is it capital, relationships, space, time or confidence?

All of these factors are ALWAYS 100% obtainable. It requires you to identify the steps needed to acquire them, the commitment to yourself and the belief that you will receive them at the perfect time and in the correct sequence.

but then… there is fear’s cousin, doubt.

Doubt is this tricky phenomenon that rides into your subconscious on a wave of fear. Its hard to detect because sometimes, its just a nervous feeling rather than a well constructed argument. A papercut on a knuckle that can really undermine your confidence and unravel your opportunities.

So, instead of letting doubt get a free pass, lets unpack this emotion down to its lowest common denominator in order to not only understand it, but determine whether or not its substantiated.

1.) What is the source of the initial thought?

Sometimes, doubt is seeded. In which case, the character and motivation of the person who sends the doubt should always be considered. Many times, doubt is just a strategy to undermine your progress simply because they don’t want you to succeed.

Remember, jealousy is a thing. Those who struggle with jealousy may use undermining questions to get your nerves twisted or maybe, they use comparison tactics to lower your confidence. Either way, their motivation needs to be addressed and understood in order to transmute this type of doubt.

2.) I don’t know enough

Welp, there are two paths forward from this type of doubt. You could attain the knowledge and wisdom or work with someone you trust, who has both. Most often in entrepreneurship, we think we need to be the expert at all of the components of business in order to succeed. This isn’t to dissuade you from researching and studying to upgrade your own intellect, but if urgency and opportunity can’t wait, the most streamlined approach to winning is building an A-team.

The catch with building an amazing team is, you’ve got to be a great leader. Chances are, if you are moving forward with your idea, you’re already a leader. Leadership skills are worth every penny of investment. Start with accessing who you know that might already be an expert and see if they are already set up for consultancy, or another option is to enroll in a genre specific leadership mentorship program.

Reminder If you pursue the knowledge directly, don’t forget the wisdom needed to apply it.

3.) It’s been done before

So what.

Your experience, your perspective and your perception of the idea is exactly what those like you, want, need and/or desire. This type of doubt is typically caused by over comparison and analysis paralysis. Over comparison happens in research phase when you are checking out the “competition” or maybe your idea is a slight variation of something that is already popular. Don’t be afraid of a phased approach to development. Incremental momentum is the best way forward. After every action, take notes and ask for feedback from those who have your best interest at heart.

“Failure is not falling down but refusing to get up.”

―Robert Schuller

It’s so easy to get sidelined by thoughts of fear and doubt. It happens to all of us at different seasons of our lives. I think of overcoming these undermining emotions like practicing hurdle jumping. In the beginning, fear might stop you from leaping and doubt might trip you up initially, but if you keep trying you might just be the best there ever was.

*I’ve never hurdle jumped but I imagine most people who tried it failed the first time.

repost from https://drlesley.beehiiv.com/

lifeandtimesofljm

When to walk away

"Know when to fold 'em."

I’ve often struggled with knowing what connections are worth the effort and which ones are better left on the cutting room floor. I’ve been through so many different types of friendships, relationships and situationships, that I feel I’ve finally got a handle on my own boundaries and lines in the sand. I’m currently in a space of reflection on all my emotionally connections and it seems I’m at a deficit when it comes to reciprocation. I have determined to “fold” on most of them because of these next few reasons.

1.) Lack of enthusiasm for any of my personal details.

When talking with certain people, who I would’ve considered my dear friends, I noticed that they weren’t very interested with any details concerning my interests or even what updates where occurring in my life. Since I was a child I learned to ask follow up questions, listen intently and to prioritize the person I was speaking with. I thought this was common practice until I realized this key fact…

People will use you as there own personal therapist and personal assistant until you’re all out of breathe, if you let them.

I have held intimate listening space for hundreds of “friends” over the course of my 44 years and I have only a handful of people actually ask me about my daily experiences and challenges, and rarely met with the same matched compassion and understanding energy, as I hold for them. I used to just pour my heart out to people because I thought that’s what friends do, until I realized that I was handing the enemy an array of knives to stab me with. The very people I’ve prioritized and validated, are the very people I now protect myself against. It’s been a very essential but necessary lesson in self preservation that I still emotionally struggle with.

It is lonely to find oneself both the speaker and the listener to your own perils but it’s been so much more peaceful. I loathe obligatory type conversations. You know the ones where you’ve been acquaintances for so long you no longer have much in common but you care about them but not really aligned with who they are or their belief systems, but you want them to feel cared for but you don’t have any energy to hold space like you used to.

Maybe it’s just me.

I admit, I stopped volunteering information in my later adult life because I wanted to see how interested people were in me, and this is why I’m hyper aware of who is listening and who is just plain ole selfish. I have mastered the art of detachment and often times I question whether or not this is balanced but then I’m faced with another situation where it’s absolutely necessary… and so, I’ve finally embraced it.

2.) Their expressed self interests are at the detriment of my own well being.

This took some time for me get a grip on. My neurodivergent brain would go out of its way to offer them all the excuses and explanations as to why I should continue to allow them to have access to me. This has been the case with most of my dating relationships because I attached to quickly and to eagerly to the fantasy of it all.

The scenario usually plays out like this…

someone who I am moderately or in some rare cases, very attracted to, expresses interest in some vague display of emotional vulnerability with me, regardless of their current commitments or emotional availability and then, my heart skips a beat… my curiosity is peaked. My imagination activates and runs through the list of all of their amazing qualities, documented talent and “potential,” then I get excited and enamored at the thought of the “genuineness” of their willingness to connect with me and the partnership that could develop, all while overlooking all their character inconsistences and the flat out contradictions of their actions when it comes to me. I have paid a heavy price for ignoring the blaring warning signs and interventions because I was “just happy someone chose me.”

I’ve learned to listen to every word and to honor the nudges of concern that pop up instead of playing the accommodating “good girl” our society likes to honor and promote. I lean into uncomfortable conversations like diving into the crashing waves of the unknown outcome and potential rejection, as a way to face fear head on. Some might view this as self sabotage, I see it as “let’s see what this connection is made of.”

If its real, they will embrace the moment of honesty and heart, they will know why, and they wont be intimidated by hard facts, direct questioning and confrontation. In my longest relationship, I thought avoidance was peace. I surrendered to the pacification tactics and the fear of being left alone as a single parent. I compromised my dreams and failed to articulate my authentic desires because, at least, I had someone to come home to. My previous allegiance to Christian ideologies locked me in a fucking cage, only to discover, the cage was designed just for me.

I’ve heard people criticize my willingness to be so vulnerable, so quickly, but they don’t know my engagement strategy. I’d rather flash them my flaws, air out my body count, stand on my own self esteem and awkward mental processing all within the first week of a connection rather than go through that long ass “shit show” ever again. If I scare them away, then it was never going to last.

If you tell me who you are, I will believe you.

3.) Out of sight, out of mind.

These days, I’m guilty of being to caught up in my own reality tv show to lean into others daily outtakes, and so, I mention this as an extremely valid reason for sending the acquaintances in your life a disconnection notice. Don’t hold indefinite space for those who don’t remember the “why” we’re friends.

Now that this admission is out of the way, there are those who I will always remember the “why” and don’t hold it against them for being in beast mode, especially with what this reality is daily dishing out. These people are the ones who know how to give you the benefit of the doubt. They are aware that “out of sight and out of mind” does not mean “out of heartspace” and our communication break is here as a circuit breaker, cause fuses burn out.

Life is so demanding, that it would be a disservice to hop on a phone call and discuss superficial shit, I just don’t have the emotional capacity to hold space for your details and mine right now. I have thought through this intently as I scroll through my contact list wondering if I can offer an authentic exchange with any of them. More times than not, I put my phone down and realize, they don’t deserve a half ass conversation and neither do I.

Cordial text messages is the current strategy of most multi-hyphenate, multi-disciplined, overachieving adults in my demographic and there is a part of me that wants to lean in and say “hey,” I refrain. I don’t do well with niceties when all I want to do is scream and lick my wounds… most days. I write this as a note to you, the reader, but also to myself. It’s alright to admit that walking away from certain connections is your saving grace.

I’ll admit, the clearing out phase sucks pickles and peppermints but it cleanses the energy. I truly want to be a better friend but I’m currently a wounded cockerpoo, moody yet willing to walk and talk on a Sunday afternoon. This life hurts like spurs in furs and I’m not holding space for any more gaslighters. It’s alright to hold out for that person(s) whose actions show interest and motivation in combining your reality but only if its grounded in authentic heartspace intimacy and not steeped in antiquated conquistadorian motives.

I’m an intense person, one who is clear about who I am and what I’m here to do. I embrace my mote that surrounds me and only let the draw bridge down after I uncover all motives and agendas. I wish that younger version of me was wiser and more street savvy, but I offer her all the grace she needs because I know what she has battled just to stay willing to experience love.

An experience I still believe will unfold…eventually.

Lessimore

lifeandtimesofljm

Let's try something new, together! How I work through stagnant depressive energy

repost https://drlesley.beehiiv.com/p/lets-try-something-new-together

I’ve been through many different trials in my lifetime when what I focused on didn’t actually produce what I thought it would. I reminisce on all of the effort and energy I’ve put into various projects only to be met with pay gates, nay sayers and racist assholes. I have created many amazing brands and projects that transform idealized potential into kinetic powerhouses only to feel boxed in by the company I keep. I will be the first to admit, I’ve made some rudimentary mistakes when it comes to confiding in people, I thought were caring and loving friends, but really, they were Roman empiring on my naivety.

So, what do I do to work myself through it all?

Forgive myself and try something new. Maybe its a new platform or a new approach. Most times, I create my way through the pain of betrayal but sometimes, its just not good enough. I’ve been learning to sit and feel all of my emotions instead of pretending like I’m invincible but this is often an emotionally taxing and socially awkward experience that uses up a good amount of energy. It has proven to be effective and support my overall mental health and fortitude, but when it’s run its course…. what’s next?

Try something new.

I’m learning to ignore the opinions of others because most of them don’t have enough faith to drive an idea to the hoop, let alone, turn down a new street. So, I’m an expert at crashing into a wave of opportunity and swimming my way to freedom, but I’ve learned some tips along the way.

1.) Play! Remove the fear of making a mistake by embracing the moments of discovery like a child enjoying ice cream for the first time.

Remember the fearlessness you had as a child when faced with a huge puddle of mud, instead of avoiding it, you jump up and down and discover the joy in getting messy.

2.) Youtube it!

Youtube is definitely one of your best search engines for learning new skill sets and fresh approaches to ideas and concepts, but finding the correct understanding might lead you to search new tag words and content creators.

3.) Remember your high school daydreams

High school was a period in my life where all roads were open and I could navigate my interest based on my true desires and not my haunting “what ifs.” I found some old journals and scratch book paper one day and saw an outline for several business ideas and it sparked something inside of me that moved me to try again. Maybe a bit of reminiscing on old daydreams, is what you need to remind yourself of who you have always been.

4.) Listen to teenagers!

No joke, teenagers these days are plugged into trends and bucking the social norms, exactly what a stagnant energy needs to see life through a new perspective. Have you ever observed a Teen figure out how to buy a new gaming system or a new pair of sneaks? They are the most motivated beings on the planet. I have two teenagers and often I find myself marveling at their cut and dry approach to understanding new concepts and processes. If only my children had the patience to teach me.

5.) Find an Open Mic

For the cost of a coffee or biscotti you might just stumble upon a moment of pure joy and laughter that changes everything about your life. Search your local event website and see if anything catches your eyes and sign up. I just did it! We’ll see if this is what I need to shake off this slowly building anticipation of what is to come.

6.) Dress up and go for a walk downtown.

Nothing beats stagnant energy like pretending you have somewhere to go, dressing up and catwalking your way into inspiration. I’ve done this many times and have enjoyed myself, although its probably not for everyone, fashion in the big city gets me going every time.

Welp, that’s the end of my current list, maybe I’ll swing back around and continue this list on another post, but I figured if I keep going, imagining how to push through these feelings of never ending hurdles, I might miss this open mic comedy show tonight.

until, next post.

Lesismore