My Inner Thoughts @som1likeme - Tumblr Blog

Nobody understands how I feel. That entitled prick has been a problem child. What a shit person

Broken

This afternoon, as I was putting the boy down for a nap, I feel blessed to have him as my son. Four and the half years ago, after struggling with infertility and a devastating miscarriage. At the lowest point of our lives, we did not imagine that our home will be filled with the chaos of having two kids. With the challenges of parenthood, the stress of being there for the kids and the demands of life, I would just like to slow down and take in the moment.

Mum’s Guilt

So strange that we can never satisfy or conform to the society.

When you spend time with your family and put them as priority, you are seen as having no drive at work. If you do not prioritize your children, you are seen as being a lousy mother. How can a person be expected to excel at everything? It is too much.

Growing up with a nanny, I did not have a close relationship with my parents. Even though my mother was a full time housewife, she spent more time on errands and on my older brothers. For example, she does not know my habits or preferences. I never wanted that for my children. I wanted my children to be close to me, and to look for me when they are happy or sad.

So I guess I am giving up “work” for my children’s love. Say whatever you want about my lack of drive or focus at work. Money and success will never end. But once my children are older, we can never go back in time.

Occupant will be 3 months old tomorrow. What a journey it has been since he was born on 7 February 2021.

Going to share my birth experience. On 30 January, went to doctor for my bi-weekly appointment. I was 34 weeks 6 days pregnant then. Since there was no sign of labour, I figured that the baby will come around or after Chinese New Year, which falls on 12 February. He said if baby did not come out by 38 weeks then will intervene. Prof Tan said to see him in 2 weeks but I told him that I felt better seeing him the week after.

On 6 February was the doctor appointment. I had made plans to have an indulgent breakfast after the appointment, had been on dietary restriction due to gestational diabetes. Prof Tan asks how I was feeling and commented that I should have confidence to reach full term. He asked to do the CGT test to check baby’s heart and see whether I was contracting. Went up to the delivery ward to do the test. The nurse kept asking me whether I felt contractions or felt pain. I said no, I was comfortably resting on the bed. But I knew that the screen were showing bell curves. Went down to the doctor to show the result, he said I was already contracting every 10 minutes. He checked my cervix and I was already 3cm dilated. It was so surreal. He said baby will come tonight or tomorrow. Funny thing was I had packed my hospital stuff but had not put it in the luggage. I had wanted to do it the night before but figured I still had time. So I was admitted right then and there.

I was admitted to the labour ward at around noon. Right away, I asked when epidural can be administered. However, I was not feeling any pain or discomfort. I wanted to wait till there was some pain to take the epidural. 4 hours later (at 4pm) when the doctor came to check, my cervix was only 4cm dilated. Doctor wanted to burst the waterbag but we declined as I was not in pain and wanted to wait it out. Asked the doctor whether I could eat as I was so hungry. Indulged on sushi, kaya toast and iced milo. At the next 4 hours check (at 8pm), my cervix was still at 4cm dilation. Still no pain. At the next cervix check at midnight, there was no progress.

Awaiting Occupant’s arrival. 35 weeks now. He will be in my arms in a couple of weeks. As I am writing this, he is gently wringgling in my tummy. It is his breakfast time.

What a journey it has been. The first two trimesters were full of anxiety. The worst was during 20-22 weeks when my previous loss occurred. There is not enough words to describe how grateful I am for the support and prayers. I would not have done it without my husband, parents, mother-in-law, sister, sisters-in-law, Li Yi Shi, my best friend and God. Some highlights were:

25 June - when the pregnancy test showed positive but I thought it was a false positive

26 June - the pregnancy test said “Pregnant”

29 June - first doctor appointment because I was spotting. They could not find the gestational sac

13 July - doctor confirmed the pregnancy

13 Sep - NIPT result showed baby’s gender

19 Sep - Made the difficult decision of not going for cerclage due to low placenta

10 Oct - Detailed scan. Seeing baby’s organs and making sure he is growing well.

14 Nov - 24 weeks pregnant. Baby considered viable.

26 Dec - Achieved 30 weeks gestational. Doctor said baby has high chance of survival now

30 Jan - Doctor gave the choice of natural delivery or c-section

The next date will be baby’s date of birth. It is nerve-wrecking and exciting all at the same time. Don’t know what to expect for the childbirth and recovery. But praying for strength and peace. God has brought me here and He will be with me.

#faith #experience

This was taken on 28 Nov 2016. Our pre-wedding shoot taken at El Matador Beach, California.

That was Halley’s first trip to USA. Our first cross-continent flight together. We were there to attend Jay and Melo’s wedding. Perfectly time for Thanksgiving time. We arrived on 24 November and there was horrible stop-and-go traffic all the way home. A drive that was supposed to be 1.5 hours, ended up being almost 2 hours long. Plus we did not stock up on food and water before the drive. Lesson learnt for future travel.

We had to rush and prepare for the Thanksgiving dinner that I had planned for the next evening. It was a good experience, shopping and preparing the ingredients for the next day. We made turkey, mashed potatoes, green bean casserole, corn pudding and gravy. It was the first time we worked together in the kitchen. Warm memories that I would cherish.

Cannot believe that it would have been four years next month. Halley and I have gone through highs and lows these past few years. At that time, our worries were for wedding planning, finances, where we were going to live after we got married, family issues to resolve and completing pre-marital counselling. Getting married, our honeymoon, and having our own place have been great adventures. The hard times were when we were apart for work, and hardly see each other. Our home was empty about half the time because of our hectic work travels. The journey of infertility was a challenge because of these. The deepest valley would be the unexpected heartache of losing our first child.

No matter what, we have each other to hold and to cry with. Life is a book, and somehow I am not the sole author. God knows the journey that I am in and He will give strength and courage to live my days.

#loss #grief #marriage #love #life

17 October 2019

It has been a year since we had to reluctantly say goodbye to you. I will always remember you my Baby Pang. My ❤️. Till we meet again one day.

#loss #babyloss #goodbye

October 2020

It is the 10th month of the year. 2020 has been a strange year. Things seemed normal at the beginning of the year. Then COVID came and changed how things are. Countries went into lockdown, and borders were closed.

Ever since I moved back to Singapore, this is the longest I have been in one country. My work usually takes me away from home once a month, at the least. Now, the last time that I travelled was in February and that was to Bangkok. How I miss travelling. Singapore is limited on things to do, especially on nature places.

Hope that things will turn out better for the rest of the year. Having faith and courage for what lies ahead

Travel Wishlist:

1. New Zealand

- Was supposed to check this off this year but then COVID came

2. Canada

- To see the pretty fall colors

3. Croatia

4. Netherlands

- To see the tulips field

5. Germany

- For the Christmas markets

Sometimes we just need to let go and let nature takes its course. Even though, it maybe be painful.

I wish I don’t feel anything at all. I wish I was numb.

I think about you everyday. I miss you. I wish you were here. My tears is how my heart is overfilled with sadness. I just wish things could have been different. I wished I could have saved you.

I Miss You more than you will ever know.

Grief is not a sign that you’re unwell or unevolved. It is a sign that love has been part of your life, and that you want love to continue, even here.

Grief is part of love. Love for life, love for self, love for others.

I’m sorry Baby Pang. I miss you so much

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