I'd change a lot. I have no clue what tangent of my life I was in to say I wouldn't change anything. I think I'd convinced myself at that point I deserved all I went through and everything that happened to me up until that point which I now overstand as untrue on every level.
Looking back now I would have left my family and the people I called friends behind a long time ago. I would have left where I called home as it was not a home it was a place I held together like glue to try to stop the demise of all those around me from breaking and tearing everything apart. I would have yelled and screamed at those around me and told them what they were doing to cause my behavior. I would of told myself to love myself more than those around me who didn't actually care they just played pretend and I fell for it. I would of told myself I am strong enough to move on and away from it all mentally and that I never had to run away physically out of fear of those around me causing me harm. I'd tell myself I just had to stand my ground. I would of told on those who hurt me in unimaginable ways instead of thinking I deserved it. There's a lot I would do differently and I would have told myself that it wasn't my fault for anything. I've gotten told to take responsibility for my actions as a teenager and I think that is wrong. I think the adults around me should have listened to my cries for help and did something to support me rather than say it was all my fault. It created a very negative narrative within myself that took a long time to change. I still struggle with it today I'm glad to say I'm working on it to create a better future for myself where I feel like I'm completely worthy of everything I will have and what I have now.
I've changed lots, I've ridden my life of those who are toxic to my wellbeing and I've created a life for myself that I love more than I ever believed possible.
I'd face myself now and tell myself I need to love myself even when those around me didn't. Don't hold on to those who see you as a shiny trinket to hold up and tell the world look at what I have. I am not a possession. I am not responsible for holding things together that were beyond my control at such a young age. My responsibility was to be a teenager, to have childish fun and not be ashamed to act like a child when I was a child. I'd tell myself the booze, the pills and screwed up relationships were not my problem. My problems were in not loving myself the way I should have and that was not my fault as I was never shown what true self love looked like.
Once I learned to love myself these things were not apart of my life. They no longer have control. I could keep on writing for hours, I could probably write novels on what I would change and do differently. I would out my family, my community and so called friends. One day I just might do that, writing a novel of it all might help even more. I know a lot more now than I did as a teenager and I'm glad I'm still here. I'm glad I'm only surrounded by those who actually care. I'm glad I'm still here to be able to write this today. I'm happy now and I love myself the way I wish I could have in middle school/high school.
