The Loser Test
“Oh, hello zere! Thank you for coming on such short notice, I know it must be hard to fit zis appointment in vis all your other Valentine’s Day plans! I know how you feel, ve’ll have to make zis quick, I have to make a date with Fareeha zis evening!
"Hm? I haven’t really interrupted anything? Vell, i’d sort of suspected that, which is vhy I asked for you in ze first place…
"You see, I believe I’ve come up vis a test that can accurately and scientifically detect vhether someone is a loser or not! And, vell, no offence, but I figured the best person to test it on would be…
"You’ll help? Oh, danke my dear!”
“Ok, first question, did you have a Valentine last Valentine’s Day, or did you stay indoors and alone like a good little loser? Just answer yes, or no my dear. And feel free to masturbate to the pictures and the questions if you vant, it’s all usable data to me~”
“Do you engage in protracted masturbatory sessions, vis an emphasis on denial and edging, more often zan you have sex? Like ze one you’re having now, for instance ❤️”
“Hmm, very interesting indeed… zis next one is a little embarrassing, but don’t worry, ze results of this test are entirely confidential! Now, do you follow any pornstars on social media? Vhether that means being a proud, public follower, or checking zeir feed very often to see vhat they’ve been up to…”
“And as a follow up to zat, have you ever maintained a social media account zat vas purely for pornographic content? Reposting arousing content, thirst following Goddesses, all of zat sort of thing…”
“Interesting… now, zis next question technically involves a little bit of maths, but I imagine it shouldn’t be too hard, vhich is just as well, as you seem to be focussed on… other things, at present. All I’d like to know is if, on your phone, you would say more than 10% of your photo library consists of content zat is pornographic in nature? You don’t need to run the precise numbers, a simple estimate will do~”
“Oops, zis picture is a little embarrassing, Talon gave me a few body mods vhile I vas captured once, thank goodness my friends rescued me! And speaking of friends, I vould like you to now write down a list of every friend you have. Try to be honest, even if that means it looks like you don’t have many. Are you done? Good.
"Now, write down a list of every pornstar and hentai artist you can name. Tell me, is ze second list longer zan ze first?”
“Very good, almost zere! Now zen, zis is a very simple, straightforward question; have you ever spent any amount of money on pornography? It’s ok dear, you can tell me, I promise nobody else vill find out… unless ze thought of all ze other Overvatch ladies knowing turns you on as vell?”
“Last question, and zen I’ll leave you alone in ze office to clean yourself up; does it arouse you to know zat you have met almost all of ze criteria for being a total beta loser, and zat I am about to officially diagnose you as such? To know zat, scientifically, you are a hopeless case who is destined to be weak for Goddesses like myself for ze rest of your life?
"Of course it does, mein liebchen… tell you vhat, instead of going home, vhy don’t I just let you stay here all evening? I’ll just set ze computer to keep playing ze slideshow… zere ve are! OK zen, I’m off to meet Fareeha, happy Valentine’s Day, loser~”
(art by Lian Xing, Kachima, evildei, justmercyporn, iahfy, ssurface, flowerxl, ragecndy, and ArhoAngel respectively)
