You do you

Ex-dancer interested in gymnastics, anime, books, psychology, math and a good walks. Struggles with ed, depression, anxiety...

[somephilosophercat]

Still here :)

I haven't wrote in a long while, but I am doing okejish. I think I am sleeping alot when I have a free time and that helps alot. Lots of things did happened, my dad died unexpectedly, I stopped dancing again (just energy really low), doing a little less of riding, hanging out with my good childhood friend, working ofc, doing therapy with B, doing physical therapy which is new (pdtr and I think it's helping a looot with overwhelm and even emotions), getting fixes on an old car I inherited from my dad, driving again, trying to get my apartment better, for the first time I planted a plant - forget me nots....

So I am learning and handling things and being very tired. But Cobi and me are loving to sleep and staying in.

[somephilosophercat]

Heyy, how are you doing? I'm rooting for you!

Oh hey! I haven't been here in a while. I think about tumblr often but never actually come. I am actually doing good. Can't believe that I will say that. Work have been hectic and this week is the first since September I have free, I finally catch some vacation days. It's been a long ride so I am resting mostly.

How arw you? And thanks so much for thinking about me 🩵

[somephilosophercat]

Summer time

I am finally doing some summer time activities this week. Been going to the pool instead of the horse barn and tiny bit of travels. It's nice because a friend I am doing is so nice and I know her for ages.

I survived these three crazy weeks and in two days my main colleague is back. It hasn't been the easiest and I am not exactly at best place but I am managing.

The therapy today was extra hard because we had a bit of the rupture and we haven't really fixed it but it's not end of the world. And it's not the best timing as it's Ts week off now.

I am also really happy how dome changes in the bathroom turned out as it was all my picking and it fit.

I need some rest..

[somephilosophercat]

Hard

It's hard to say how I am actually. The whole year I am fighting with contact dermatitis around my eyes and I think constant inflammation it's taking its toll. That and sleeping problems and bad quality of sleep makes me pretty unfunctional. I am still working and trying but I feel like doctors are not really listening. I can't do anything about dermatitis because allergy test is in November if I don't want to pay out of pocket. And it's sad because for once in a long long time I am actually mentally quite stable, maybe not normal but as good as it gets for now. I do have psychiatrist in two days but like he is stuck only on personality disorder and I am little "fuck you dude" about that.

Right now I don't see the point even in talking to them about how bad I am but it's fine. Guess I just have to get used to being shit. At least I have experience there....

[cspasfan15]

Gracyn is in the building

[somephilosophercat]

Put her in the improvs stat!!!

[somephilosophercat]

Okejish

I do feel okejish. The worst thing right now is sleeping being so off. But I am working on it. I almost finished a task at work I need to do to go take some break. I need to catch a break it as soon as possible because I will be covering work at the end of the month alone for three weeks. It will be hard.

I am buying some new things for apartment to replece old ones and make it more cosy and more mine and it is interesting and I actually have idea how I want it to look. Which is rare.

I don't know, me and Cobi are just chilling as much as we can. The heat here is terrible.

[somephilosophercat]

Day off

It's a holiday here so I am off work. But I mostly slept through a day. Very shitty sleep schedule. Even if I don't sleep through the day I have a trouble falling asleep but then at daytime I am so down. If I drink anything for sleep then I am also knocked out for half of a daytime.

So ridiculous.

At least I am going riding tomorrow even though it's too hot out. I will destroy my schedule there too. I don't really like summer.

[somephilosophercat]

PMS

It's been okejish and "quiet" for a while now but my brain is soooo loud for a last week. It's probably a bit harder pms this month but I am really struggling. I have such a low motivation for work and have such a huge task to finish. The heat is killing me for riding and horses so I didn't go this week. I should have gone to a little end of a week trip this week but figured that it would be overwhelming and I was afraid that I would be too tired to finish the task at work so I didn't go. One mare out of the old horses group I frequently take care of died this week and it was all suddenly. Also I was supposed to go to the game night with friends this evening but just cancelled and stayed in bed. I cancel more and more things lately.

And the biggest thing is that I was supposed to have therapy today. Supposed to. And T just didn't show up online. I did quickly figured out it was something with the phone signal in the place she is and later it showed to be true but I am so out of my mind right now. I just refused to answer any messages as she still don't know when it will be fixed and like, why should I answer when we can't even figure anything out. It's not her fault and I know that but it was really bad time for this. But I still feel childish being somewhat hurt by all of this. She had to travel to another city just to get in contact and obviously she can't have session like that... but...

[somephilosophercat]

Team building

We are going for a two day team building tommorow. For three days now I just panic about it but until today it was "panic about other stuff" transfered. And for three days I wasn't even able to concentrate on work or anything else, did just a little bit here and there. Today I was in full overwhelm mode, specially after not being able to find rain coat but till evening I managed to get myself ready and my apartment ready as neighbour will watch over Cobi. It's only one night away but I have huge separation anxiety from Cob and my place. I am happy it is clean now and being able to return to fresh place but it's so hard.

And it's specially hard because those people now know that I tried to kill myself and couple was involved in finding me and I am not comfortable spending so much time away with them and without any way of moving if things goes south. I am just too vulnerable with everyone knowing my struggles and just don't feel good. I have been thinking about calling in sick but I think I will go. There are few people from my team I do feel comfortable with so I will stick with them I guess.

Wish me luck...

[somephilosophercat]

A day

This is like my and Cobs whole day today.

I don't mind. I am enjoying it. He is such a sweetie.

I am trying to catch some free days from work since my mind went totally "nope" mode about work. Just refusing to cooperate. But there were some special accounting tasks to be done urgently and I ended up working the week instead of being free. I wanted to finish one task I had 90% done before I go. But no. Maybe I just need to tell myself to leave it. I actually wanted to go hiking tommorow but guess I am not done lying down. Maybe some other day.

Working with horses has really been the highlight of my last couple of months. I am doing okeyish mentally, even though struggling I am still managing. I kinda "adopted" three mares they don't look after enough because they are not ridden and probably won't be at all. I feel so sad for them because I only go once a week but I really put in the work around them. I love those horses and trying my best to learn how to help them. Sometimes I kinda feel left to manage because it's "you can't do anything wrong because they are not ridden" but I love that there is no pressure. In last year as I stopped fostering cats I had some bad experiences with ladies I foster for and I concluded that I am actually very happy I did foster and that I don't need someone acting like that towards me and also that I am happy to volunteer at something completely different and learing about horses and just expanding knowladge and experiences and having something different. And T is so proud for framing it like that. I hate changes and I really embrace this one.

I had last consecutive in person session with T yesterday as she is leaving the town again. She will be back for two weeks next month but after it she long term gone. We will be online and she is consistently here but of course it still gives me fright every time. She laughs that maybe this year will be easier because it will be less drama with L gone (the other therapist) but even though it's funny it still stings. She really helps alot and a lot of things changed in a way I handle things. And the life feels a little easier. But the big part is also accommodation at work I got, so I am scared about losing them.

Anyway, I am still here. Trying to do me and doing something 🤷‍♀️

[somephilosophercat]

Time flies

I been in awe the whole day. My pretty boy turned 9 today. I am suprised, scared and excited by how quickly has everything passed. I am glad I am here with him and I just hope he is happy boy.

[somephilosophercat]

Tired

I AM SOOOOO TIRED! I need to work, I need to clean my apartment, I need to prepare clothes for same yard sale, I need to prepare myself for a day at barn, I need to prepare myself for general care doctor and hanging out at Saturday and try real hard to go to dance at Friday because I haven't been in month, and there is also some dance performance after the dance training and..... whole lot!

I have some inflammation under my eye that keeps coming and going but I tried to avoid going back on antibiotics and corticosteroids and let it heal but it's not working. And I need to go to general care doctor because I am tired as hell again, for such a short time I think "oh it's getting little better" and then I am back to sleeping whole weekend and not being able to function.

Also I am adjusting my loan for the apartment because interests dropped a whole point so I need a whole lot of documentations again and have some expenses but long term it saves me some money. So they are coming to asses my apartment again so it needs to be a tad bit cleaner for it, even though I know they don't asses it by cleanest. But it still needs to leave nice impression.

Also I am crocheting some cat toys for the rescue I was fostering cats for so long, I do have fun with it but there is also a time limit for that. It will be some animals made also and I have few finished projects I will donate because they are just sitting at my place.

And so.. I don't know. My mind and body are screaming again that something is too much but I just can't figure out what. But my sleeping is shitty and my smartwatch conclude every day "you slept long enough but it was too much restless moment so you might feel tired". No shit Sherlock. It's not like I am staying up late or anything but like ever since I remember I wake couple times a night. Even with strong meds that are supposed to keep that in check 🤷‍♀️

Have to go out now again but I don't want toooo!!!!

[somephilosophercat]

Cobi the bunny

Well I can at least write Cobi update. He had a surgery a month ago, he had to remove the rest of the premolars and molars on the downside. He already had removed upside like a year and half ago. I did notice him being picky for a while but then he started wierd head shake so I looked up his teeth and they weren't in best condition. I spent so much money, vets are so expensive but never mind, he has to be healthy. I am only worried he was in pain for longer time before I caught it but at least I did.

He had to eat only wet food for a 3 weeks and he is such a pain in the ass about wet food that he anoyed me so much. But I love him so much. The vet there adores him and she give him more kisses than I do 🤭 we are going tommorow for a check up and do some other small stuff.

He really like the drugs! 😅

[somephilosophercat]

Trying

I am really really trying for weeks/month to write something here, but no luck. It's busy and I am again just tired and want to sleep but not unstable. So I don't know, everything as usual? 🤷‍♀️

I asked Cobi to pose at least for a photo and he made two the most crankiest ones, I think that's our true mood :)

[somephilosophercat]

Resting

I am resting most of the days, but still pretty tired. I think I am resting, as my friend says I am doing one thing a day, but yesterday I spent most of my day at horse club and came home dead tired. But dead. I wanted to go today too but since I had dance one day, riding and helpin other and tommorow dance again I decided on rest day today. I was really dead yesterday evening so I think I decided good. But I kinda want to put two riding lessions a week but can't seems to fit it, even though next week the dance will be off. But nevermind, I try reminding myself that "you do you" and to do as I can, I always compare how much faster the others are progressing. But oh well. Trying to tune it down. I actually feel good because I go to help with one old mare that is rarely ridden so I give her a good walk and some grass time. That makes me warm.

Here is a little blur of us :)

[somephilosophercat]

Therapy

I am so happy that at least therapy with T is in person. But she broke me badly yesterday. And of course it's not just week till next session but two. It's her week off. But it's fine. We had relaxing first half, then she wasn't sure about starting to talk about L but we talked about mom and I already started heavily shuting down. I haven't really shut down in a while. Whenever I had real breakdowns about L I needed so much help from T that I talked through my tears. But not this time. I think too much hurt is there without any way out but grieve. Anyway my mind just went the "wrong way" with: no matter how much I try and improve I am still just as bad as my mom.

But I was somewhat strangely comforted with T saying that she thinks the way L handled lot of my problems just ain't right. And that even though I was so driven to work on those things that next time she will keep closer eye on my willingness to do anything to make it work. Because that drained and hurt me alot and with my attempt I just tried to find a way to stop hurting and to release. But her saying she will keep closer eye it hits just a bit to satisfy my wish for T to protect me.

I know I wouldn't have listened has she said that I should stop working with L because now when I think about it I think meeting L was kinda my dream come true. I was always in love with horses and meeting someone brave enough to quit 8 hour job to persue therapy path and simultaneously also "horse path" is something I wasn't even brave enough to dream about as a kid or adult. So I think I was kinda "in love" with everything she represents and everything she can do. And how much energy she have. I think I still kinda am, even though my heart still hurts and after that session I slept through whole afternoon and just kept dreaming about being at some horse school and L coming there but I was too scared and wasn't even allowed to say hi or to go close. And I was just invisible. And that is actually true in reality, for her now at least.

So therapy hurt like hell. But I calmed down. For now.

[somephilosophercat]

Just my precious little boy