Chopped (part 3)
(the final installment. Â part one and part two linkie linkie.)
TED: Two incredible chefs face off in the dessert round of Chopped! Â Who will be the Chopped Champion and who will be chopped?
(Bill and Madagascar stand face to face in the kitchen. Â Madagascar narrows his eyes at his challenger, Billâs hands visibly tremble.)
TED: Are you ready?
MADAGASCAR: Youâre going down.
BILL: Let the best man win.
TED: Please open your baskets. Â You must construct a dessert using depleted uranium casings, dulce de leche, a cassette-tape recording of a humming refrigerator, and Kung Pao vegan tenderloin. Â You have thirty minutes. Â Clock starts now.
MADAGASCAR: I need that money, and the judges have practically handed it to me already. Â I get challah and croutons from the pantry and set about grinding them small for a bread pudding.
BILL: I havenât actually used an ice cream machine before but now seems like a good time to learn. Â Heavy cream and some of the dulce go into it. Â It has to work. Â It has to.
MADAGASCAR: Depleted uranium? Â How is that even possible? Â Iâm Krzntaznstani, in my country we donât call that food, we call that âwealth.â Â (laughs) Man, what my dad would have been able to do with enough uranium to let go sour. Â We might not have left.
(Bill pulls the ice cream lever, tan paste stutters out of the spigot)
BILL: My ice cream came out like ice cream, but itâs not right somehow. Â I throw it into the blast chiller and hope the answer will come to me before time is up. Â Meanwhile I work on getting the tape out of the cassette and chopped into small enough pieces to fit into the smoker.
MADAGASCAR: I look over and I see Bill is using a lot of high-tech gadgets. Â Maybe heâs hoping to impress them with his knowledge of kitchen gear? Â Iâm not using that. Â Iâm going to honor my heritage and follow the advice my mother gave me before I left: (looks dead into the camera)Â âBe wary. Â Trust in God. Â Trust no others. Â Come back to me, my son, that I may look upon you once more before I fade into the sky.â Â Sheâs been saying that since I was little. Â I love her so much.
(Madagascar puts the bullet casings into the blender with a dash of lime juice)
TED: Judges, what are your feelings on this competition?
JUDGE AARON: I think we have two really skilled people here, but to be honest, I wonder if Billâs luck will hold out through this final round.
JUDGE ALEX: Madagascar hasnât even touched his cassette tape yet.
BILL: Iâm looking at the Kung Pao tenderloin, and itâs pretty obvious that this is the dish that Angela made in the last round. Â Itâs kind of cold, so I throw it into a pan with the uranium to heat it up.
(He does this without turning on the stove. Â A soft blue glow begins to emit from the pan while thin, acrid smoke rises from the wooden spoon he has laid across the top)
MADAGASCAR: The bread puddings arenât cooking as fast as Iâd like, so I shave off a few slivers of the uranium and drop them on top of the ramekins.
JUDGE SCOTT: Mmm! Â Starting to smell good in here!
TED: Five minutes remaining!
BILL: The radiation has done a pretty good job on the loin, but now it tastes kind of metallic. Â I scoop the rest of the dulce de leche on top and it immediately starts to form a nice carmelly shell. Â I get the tape into the smoker and let it do its work.
MADAGASCAR: My mom showed me how to do this once, using a hydraulic press. Â I donât have that here, but I have cheesecloth and my mitts.
(Madagascar gathers the Kung Pao vegan tenderloin into a cheesecloth and starts wringing the fluids from it into a bowl. Â He doesnât get much, and places a little into four Japanese wedge spoons on his plates.)
TED: Last minute! Â Get it on the plate!
(Bill and Madagascar run around frantically gathering things and looking stressed. Â Bill is crying softly.)
TED: ThreeâŠtwoâŠoneâŠtimeâs up, please step back.
(They step back. Â Billâs crying has gone from passive to active, his shoulders are shaking and there is mucous on his chin.)
MADAGASCAR: I think my plates look great. Â Billâs are alright, but Iâd be lying if I thought he has as good presentation.
(They file out of the kitchen and are heading towards the sweat room, when Bill pauses. Â He looks straight into the camera, then past it, a gleam of hope in his eyes. Â He runs full tilt at the audience.)
CAMERAMAN: Woah, watch it!
(The camera clatters to the ground. Â From a sideways perspective we see the silhouette of Bill as he flees for the studio door, while a host of crewpeople run around trying to get the show back on track. Â A few try to restrain him. Â He fights them off with one tattooed arm while tugging desperately on the doorknob.)
BILL: Itâs locked! Â Why is it locked! Â Oh God no, please just let me go! Â He can have the money just let me go!
(Commercials.)
Dammit Bill, those things ainât cheap. Â Neither are the cameras.
JUDGE SCOTT: Ordinarily weâd taste your food first, but chef Bill, youâve been chopped.
JUDGE AARON: I thought you escape attempt was kind of lacking in flavor, a little too much salt and not enough spice.
JUDGE ALEX (sternly): I wish you the best.
BILL (pale and with a bloodied cut on the lip): Please, I beg you.
MADAGASCAR: Good luck, man. Â (shakes his hand. Â Bill seems dazed, lets his hand drop limply)
(Bill staggers towards the hallway, a fatalistic look on his face. Â He pauses just before the left turn, glances at something behind the camera, and goes even paler.)
BILL: Vanessa, IâŠI love you.  If youâre watching, Iâll always love you.
TED: And that means that you, Madagascar, are our new Chopped Champion!
(the judges applaud. Â Madagascar grins hugely and shakes their hands, hugging Ted.)
MADAGASCAR: I feel like I really accomplished something today. Â My family will be proud of me, and Iâm proud of myself. Â It just shows that if you really want something, it can be gotten through hard work and perseverance.
(Food Network logo)
(fin)
























