will be deleting this account/deactivating/going on hiatus soon 💗 thank you all for sticking around but there are important things in my life right now that i need to focus on, and i also think that this era is coming to its end.
my fics will still be on ao3 by the same username, but i wont be using this tumblr account any longer.
His sheets still smell like Nesta when he shoots out of bed. She was here just a few minutes, hours ago now, but it’s like she’s fumigated everything, her perfume a carpet bomb.
He trips over his jeans still tangled on the rug. Nothing is the right size. His clothes are too small, his hands too big for his phone screen when he tries to check the time. His bedroom door is like the one in Alice in Wonderland, shrinking and growing, and he has the surreal fear it’ll crush him if he tries to pass through.
But the condom wrapper on the floor is a sobering reminder that this is all too real.
Eat me, the wriggling parts of his brain sing through the suffocating cloud of her.
Eat me.
Drink me.
Swallow me whole.
His throat bobs as he tries to press down the shame.
He just slept with his best friend's girlfriend.
Fiancee.
What the actual fuck is wrong with him.
He's snapped from the spiral by Cass whistling in the kitchen. Nesta's already gone. The blender grinds to life. The guilt is nuclear, irradiating all Azriel’s bones.
God, he has to get a grip. Strap on a hazmat suit and pray like an altar boy caught with communion wine that Cass leaves soon. That he can figure out what to do without the cloud of audacity obscuring all this better judgment.
Thank fucking fuck he has to go into the office this week. It’s worth stomaching insipid small talk if it keeps him from scuttling under the baseboards, in between the records sitting dusty on their shelf. Even worth seeing fucking Craig, his desk-mate, who seems to think they’re the best friends despite only sharing a few terse words about modding with C++/WASM.
Azriel stands with his back pressed to his door until he hears Cass thunk down on the front bench to put on pair of shoes number one.
Then he says, "Bye, Az!" like he wasn't inside his fiancee last night, the door swinging shut.
Then silence.
Azriel slinks to the shower, creeping along the despite no one being home. He turns the water up until it's decontamination-hot, though he knows it won’t kill the infection.
What does it mean? What does it mean? So Nesta caught him watching, then—ah. A strangled sound escapes his throat.
Was it to teach him a lesson? Get revenge? But the things she said, how loud she was…
It's more than he can wrap his head around, the synapses failing to connect. None of it makes sense.
But the shortest distance between two points is a straight line.
The immutable data: Cass did nothing to stop him after the party. But then he never mentioned it, either. Neither did Nesta last night. In fact, they both initiated in different ways, penetrating in his magnetic field, almost as if they wanted to…
Hm. No. That doesn't make sense.
The shower head sputters, blasting scalding water on his face.
Maybe Nesta is just a cheater. Maybe Cass is a cheater. Azriel supposes he’s one too, by proxy.
Maybe everyone sucks here. Maybe it's for the better. Maybe they’re all fucked.
Or maybe the wheel of karma has finally come to crush him.
A very underrated Nesta moment is definitely when talking about how Elain met Graysen (at his father’s ball) she goes “I’ve been to funerals that were merrier”
Nesta is a shit dancer and seduced Eris with the chicken dance, Azriel spies by hiding behind trees, Rhysand's mask is just really dramatic/ obviously bad acting, Elain's food tastes like ass but no one tells her, Amren solves all the puzzles wrong but they are too scared to tell her, Cassian fights by standing in place and waving his sword around etc
The people who genuinely believe from the bottom of their hearts that Feyre is a bad artist/only make jokes like this about Feyre but not the other characters are OPPS.
......suddenly struck by the idea for a piece of worldbuilding of "fae don't like iron bc it is the most stable element*"
*as in elements higher you can extract energy via fission and lower you can extract energy via fusion but iron itself there is no excess binding energy to extract at all
Ok I’m usually president of the let’s criticize Cassian club but things have gotten wild the last few days and we are almost at Cassian week and I relate to Nesta because no matter what that dumbass does there just is … SOMETHING ABOUT HIM
So.
Cassian did not say I love You (a travesty), but he did say (or think)
“His very heart was in his bloody, outstretched hand.”
“If Briallyn made a move against Nesta, he’d kill the queen himself.”
“Whatever you need to throw at me, I can take it. I won’t break.”
“I’ll take whatever you offer me.”
“Whatever you want. Whatever you need from me.”
“I’ve needed you from the moment I first met you.”
“I’m Here.”
“There is nothing broken to be fixed.”
“I have always been your friend, Nesta. Always.”
“You’re not going to use her”
“Love is Complicated.”
“Nesta’s mother had wanted a prince for her. Cassian now thought she had undervalued her daughter. Only a King or an emperor would do.”
“Do you want some peppermint tea?”
“I went back the next day. Asked the musicians of the Hewn City to play it all again for me.”
“There will be no one else. For either of us.”
“The only thing that frightened him was that she might reject the mating bond. Hate him for it.”
THIS. Look I know Cassian may be dumb at times but that’s why I love him so much. Like yes he says stuff he shouldn’t out of anger and emotion but then so does Nesta. That’s why they’re so perfect for one another. On top of that, he is a man of action rather than words. He shows his love for her through all the touches, looks, noting her every move, inner dialogue, and acts of services. And from my perspective, Nesta needed to be shown she was loved over being told. Truly he is one of the best male main characters in the series, he loves fiercely and has a good heart. The hate towards him is getting so out of hand at times that I am fully convinced some of yall did not read the same books. If you have to completely change a characters entire personality, arc, story, and what they think/say (many do this with both Nesta and cassian) to make a cracked out theory work JUST STOP READING THE BOOKS.
I’d like to also add to this list: He defended Nesta to Rhys and Amren multiple times in acosf, even if it was only said in his inner monologue he still did it. Never being afraid of her or her powers even when she was in full Lady Death mode. Being scared to death of losing Nesta to the bog and thinking how he’d shrivel up and die if he didn’t find her. Wanting to immediately fix his mistakes after making them but respecting Nesta’s wishes of not wanting to see him. Always doing what Nesta asked when it came to her healing her own sexual personality and experience with him. Learning to dance so he could dance with her bc he knows it’s something she loves to do. Being possessive during the CoN dance scene and scaring off the hewn city bystanders who were watching Nesta. Training Nesta on The House of Wind so she was comfortable. Encouraging her being friends with Gwyn and Emerie. Being proud of her when she showed interest in things. Also encouraging her when she wanted to help the priestesses feel more safe and heal. Being respectful during all the training and always asking before touching her or correcting a mistake. Reassuring her that the trauma she endured would not destroy her and that she will get through it. Being absolutely mesmerized by her having her hair down. Thinking she was always beautiful even from the beginning. Paying attention to her so much that he gave names to all the faces she would make 😌. Helping her with her magic. Staying by her side after her nightmare. Knowing that she would want to dine by herself instead of everyone else and bringing her a full plate of food to eat in her room. Telling Rhysand to stay out of her relationship with her sisters and allowing them to rebuild it on their own. Absolutely hating having to lie to Nesta and decided to tell her the truth when it was brought up. Wanting her even if she didnt want him entirely and taking whatever she was willing to give even if it pained him. Always kept his hand reached out for her.
There’s so much more I could add but I think this is enough for now. He loves her so much but doesn’t always know how to express it properly. The same goes for Nesta. They are idiots in love but they are our idiots 🥰
Cassian is my favourite and I don't understand the hate towards him.
While reading the books (ACOSF in particular) I felt his love. He shows it a lot with his actions rather than his words.
He didn't say "I love you" out loud but surely he shows his feelings, he is sure about them and he doesn't care if anyone notices, because he's not afraid. I prefer this.
Show me that you care, show me love through action, show me that if I need you you're there.