LittleWolfBirdâs sideblog for The Pitt & related shows | fanfic writer of 20 years | posted on AO3 | do not steal. | please comment. real username tbd.
LittleWolfBird is the name. Fanfiction is the game.
This little sideblog came about to have a place to funnel my obsession and hyperfixation with HBO's The PITT...which has spun off in turn to include actor-afiliated shows (S.W.A.T., Fire Country/Sheriff's Country). My heart lies most with Dr. Brendon Park and Dr. Jack Abbot, but I love me some Dr. Michael "Robby" Robinavitch. I am not a hater; I just won't engage if i don't have an interest. I have thoughts on the show and why the internet is misinterpreting a massive yet totally insignificant part of the show. Send me your analytical thoughts, theories, and headcanons. I'm not not open for requests...I've just never done them before.
Fanfiction I've written and fanfics I recommend are under the break, however, if I reblog a fic, that also stands as a recommendation. Again, if I don't like something, I don't engage.
Follows (and sometimes comments when i'm not paying attention) are done via @littlewolfbird.
My fics and my fic recs are below the break.
LWB Writes:
Love Death & Everything In Pittween (series)
Prequel: Ten Years Today (Jack Abbot x OFC!Wife)
The evening hand off starts out normal for the PITT crew until April Abbot and her partner Dezi bring in a patient initially unconcious from a bar fight. Everything goes downhill from there when April gets stabbed. aka: the one where Jack becomes a widower.
Other
Bundle of Joy (Baelor Targaryen x Sansa Stark; featuring Dr. Baran Al Hashimi, Nurse Perlah, Dr. Michael "Robby" Robinavitch, Dr. Jack Abbot, and Nurse Dana from The PITT and Dr. Jo Wilson and Dr. Alex Karev from Grey's Anatomy)
Sansa Stark is in labor. Unable to make it to the hospital in time, Sansa's brother's wife, Dr. Baran Al-Hashimi, enlists in four of her coworkers to help guide her husband's brother, Maekar Targaryen, through the backseat delivery while they wait for medevac.
Author Note: this fic turned into a crossover mostly without me knowing. So it's a thing. You really do not need to have read or watched any of the A Song of Ice and Fire and related book and screen works to read this.
FicRecs:
Multiple
Mom, Respectfully, Shut Up
Jack Abbot
Your Friendly Neighborhood Resident by fangirl-dot-com
Note: a Spiderverse crossover
Almost Home by p1stash-io
Bullet-proofloveâs Jack Abbot fics
House Calls by SpikedFearn
Seeking Confort by the-shedevil-writes
Note: 3rd person POV
Cold Storage by velvetautopsy
Supercuts of Us by se7entyrell
Brendon Park
Bulletproof Love by bullet-prooflove
Note: Iâm not sure this series has a true name and this is what I call it in my head sooooâŠjust go read it.
Pinkie and the Shark by mxtantrights
In every life, save me a place by raccooninthemachine
Grant Reilly
LWBâs Thoughts on âYes, Chefâ (meta thoughts/musings)
and the other thing is. if moses (television show) is taking too long to part the red sea (get buck and tommy back together), we can become moses and part the red sea ourselves (write fanfiction). take my hand. let's get in our documentce
on the topic of disabled characters, though, i think a LOT of artists give characters mobility aids that their character wouldn't actually benefit from using.
i'm sort of having a mild brain fog moment rn so i can't fully articulate what i'm on about, but i think a lot of able-bodied artists view things like canes and crutches as interchangeable. and they often don't know enough about the wide range of mobility aids to make an informed decision about what their character might actually use based on their disability
i also think that aids like walkers and rollators are sort of viewed as "cringe" on some level, and many people view them to be "just for old people," so many artists will opt for giving a character who has full-body pain and fatigue a cane (which, in many cases, can potentially WORSEN full-body pain) instead. and a lot of people don't realize that most wheelchair users are able to walk, so they don't consider it an option for characters with chronic pain
idk it's kind of frustrating. i've genuinely never, ever seen a character that uses a rollator before. not once. i cannot name a single one. i know of multiple ocs who are described to have full-body pain, dizziness, and fatigue that are drawn as cane users and are never shown with wheelchairs or walkers, though
it's also sort of sad? i've been diagnosed since i was twelve years old, and i only heard of rollators LAST YEAR. and that was only because i saw one irl and immediately asked what it was. i wonder how many disabled people out there don't even know it's an option solely because they're completely underrepresented online and in media
if you're a creative with a disabled oc, PLEASEEE check out this link. it's a very nice and detailed guide for telling which mobility aids suit someone's needs best. it's incredibly important to make the right choice for your character! mobility aids tell you a LOT about someone's lived experience. picking the right one will communicate to your audience #1 what your character goes through #2 that you UNDERSTAND what your character goes through!
Request - so... hurt/comfort wise...how do you feel about any male character and new mama!reader where the baby favors their dad, and she feels unworthy of being called a mom or like she wants at least one thing to be hers bc the baby has everything else of their father (except maybe their nose and skin tone). AND THEN FLUFF AT THE END BECAUSE THEIR FIRST STEPS WERE TOWARDS HER! :)
The first thing people noticed about your daughter was her eyes. They were Robbyâs eyes. Dark and warm, framed by thick lashes that somehow looked unfairly long on a ten-month-old baby.
The second thing people noticed was her hair. Those same dark curls that had started appearing when she was barely six months old now sat in soft wisps around her tiny face, forever falling into her eyes and forever making everyone laugh because she looked exactly like her father after a twelve-hour shift.
And then there was the expression. That little furrow between her brows. That look of deep concentration whenever she was trying to figure something out. That tiny pout.
All Robby.
You had heard it so many times by now that you could practically recite it yourself.
âOh my goodness, sheâs his twin.â
âLook at that face. Thatâs all Dr. Robinavich.â
âYou copied and pasted your husband, didnât you?â
You laughed every time. Because you loved your husband. You loved his smile, his eyes, his ridiculous humor and his stubborn streak. Of course you didnât mind that your daughter looked like him. At least, you hadnât.
Now, thoughâŠ
Now it seemed to be all anyone said. You sat on a blanket spread across your living room floor while your daughter played with stacking cups, her tiny fingers tryingâand failingâto fit one inside the other. She looked up at you, serious and determined. Exactly like her father. Your mother smiled from the couch.
âShe gets that concentration from Robby.â
You smiled back.
âMaybe.â
âNo, honey. Thatâs definitely him.â
Your daughter squealed when one of the cups rolled away, then immediately started crawling after it. Your mother laughed.
âOh, look at that. Even the way she crawls reminds me of him.â
You blinked. Even the way she crawls? How exactly did one crawl like another person? But you didnât say anything. You simply smiled.
Again.
Because people meant well. Because they loved your little girl. Because none of this should bother you. Your daughter finally captured the runaway cup and held it triumphantly above her head. Your mother reached down and scooped her up.
âThereâs Daddyâs little clone.â
You looked down at your hands. Little clone. Your husband walked into the living room then, having just gotten home from the hospital, still wearing scrubs and looking exhausted.
The second your daughter spotted him, she lit up. Actually lit up. Her entire face changed. Her eyes widened, her mouth fell open, and she let out a squeal so loud it made everyone laugh.
âDada!â
Your motherâs face softened.
âOh, look at her.â
Robby grinned despite the exhaustion etched into every line of his face.
âHey, bug.â
Your daughter nearly launched herself from your motherâs lap. Robby quickly crossed the room and took her, and she immediately wrapped her tiny hands around his neck. He laughed softly.
âHowâs my girl.â
She buried her face against him. You swallowed. Your mother smiled again.
âSheâs such a daddyâs girl.â
There it was. Again. Daddyâs girl. Robby didnât seem to notice. He kissed the side of your daughterâs head and sat beside you on the blanket.
âHow was she today?â
âGood,â you answered.
âOnly good?â
You smiled softly. âShe threw peas at the television.â
He nodded solemnly.
âThatâs my girl.â
Your daughter giggled. You laughed too. But something in your chest tightened. Because of course she giggled for him. Because of course she reached up and patted his cheek. Because of course she looked so content in his arms.
You hated yourself a little for even thinking it. Because this was good. This was beautiful. This was exactly what you wanted.
A husband who adored his daughter. A daughter who adored her father. So why did it hurt?
******
Later that night, after dinner and bath time, the three of you sat in the nursery. The room glowed softly from the nightlight shaped like a moon. Your daughter sat between you and Robby in footie pajamas covered in little stars. Robby held up one of her books.
âAgain?â
She slapped the cover enthusiastically.
âAgain.â
He laughed.
âYouâre really milking this whole reading thing.â
She grinned. You watched them quietly. Watched your husband do the voices. Watched your daughter laugh at every single one. Watched the way she looked at him. Like he hung the stars themselves. And GodâŠyou loved them.
You loved them so much your chest ached. The story ended, and your daughter immediately reached for him.
âDada.â
He smiled.
âOne more cuddle, huh?â
She nodded. You looked away. You didnât mean to. You just⊠did. Robby didnât notice. He was too busy tucking her against his chest.
Eventually it was bedtime. You stood and held out your arms.
âCome here, sweetheart.â
Your daughter looked at you. Then immediately turned back toward her father.
âDada.â
You froze. Robby chuckled softly.
âI know. Mommaâs no fun.â
The words were innocent. A joke. But they landed harder than they should have. He stood and gently transferred her into your arms. She whined. Actually whined. Little hands reaching back toward him.
âDada.â
Your throat tightened.
âSheâs okay,â Robby said softly.
You nodded. Of course she was okay. She was just tired. Babies did this. You knew that. You knew that. StillâŠ
Still, as you carried her into her room and settled into the rocking chair, something deep inside you cracked just a little. She curled against your chest, sleepy and warm. Beautiful. Perfect. You brushed your fingers through her dark curls. You touched her little cheek. Her fatherâs eyes. Her fatherâs expressions. Her fatherâs smile. Your eyes burned.
âWhat did you get from me, huh?â you whispered.
She blinked sleepily. You smiled through the sting in your throat.
âYouâve got my nose.â
She yawned.
âAnd maybe my love of sleep.â
Silence. You kissed her forehead.
âBut everything else is your daddy.â
She made a soft little noise and tucked herself closer. You looked down at her and suddenly felt something you hated.
Jealousy.
Not of your husband. Never of him. But of how easily everyone seemed to see him in her. Because no one ever seemed to see you. No one ever said she had your smile. Or your laugh. Or your kindness. You had carried her. Loved her before you ever saw her. Brought her into this world. And somehow, lately⊠it felt like you were disappearing from the picture.
A tear slipped down your cheek. You wiped it away quickly. The nursery door creaked open. Robby leaned against the frame, looking tired and beautiful and completely unaware that your heart was quietly breaking.
âEverything okay?â
You looked up and smiled. A practiced smile.
âYeah.â
He studied you for a moment. Then smiled back.
âShe asleep?â
You looked down. Your daughter had finally drifted off, one tiny hand still fisted in your shirt.
âAlmost.â
He nodded.
âIâll make some tea.â
âOkay.â
He disappeared down the hallway. You looked back at your daughter. Then down at that little hand clutching your shirt. Your chest tightened again. Because even nowâŠeven nowâŠyou couldnât help but wonder if she was only holding on because you happened to be the one rocking her. And not because you were her momma.
******
The next few days only seemed to make it worse. It wasnât anyoneâs fault. That was the terrible part. No one was trying to hurt your feelings. No one even knew your feelings were hurt. But somehow every little thing seemed to dig the hole a little deeper.
You and Robby took your daughter to brunch that Saturday morning with a few friends from the hospital. It had been months since youâd seen everyone, and they practically descended on your little family the second you walked through the restaurant doors.
âOh my God, sheâs gotten so big!â
âLook at those cheeks!â
âThose curls!â
Dana was the first one to scoop her up, grinning from ear to ear.
âI havenât seen this kid in months. Let me look at you.â
Your daughter blinked up at her. Then smiled. Dana gasped dramatically.
âOkay, first of all, sheâs adorable. Second of allâŠâ She looked at Robby. âI swear you cloned yourself.â
Everyone laughed. You smiled. Again.
âSeriously,â one of the nurses said. âShe has your whole face, Robby.â
âI feel bad for her then,â he deadpanned.
Another round of laughter. Dana adjusted your daughter on her hip.
âNo, look at this little expression.â She pointed at the baby. âThatâs him. Thatâs the exact look he gives people when theyâre annoying him.â
You glanced over.nUnfortunately⊠she wasnât wrong. Even you had to laugh a little.mYour daughter looked at Robby then, her entire face brightening.
âDada!â
âThere it is,â Dana said. âSheâs obsessed with you.â
âI know,â Robby sighed dramatically. âItâs exhausting being this popular.â
She giggled and reached for him. He took her without hesitation, kissing her temple.
You took a sip of your coffee. Then another. The conversation moved on, but you found yourself growing quieter. Because no one had looked at her and said she had your smile. No one had said she had your laugh. No one had even said she had your nose. She was simply⊠Robbyâs.
And you hated yourself for caring. You really did. Because what kind of mother gets jealous over something so silly? You should be happy. You were happy.nWerenât you?
âHey.â
You blinked. Robby was looking at you.
âYou okay?â
You smiled immediately.
âOf course.â
He frowned slightly.
âYou got quiet.â
âIâm just tired.â
He studied you for another second before nodding.
âOkay.â
Then your daughter leaned over and patted his cheek.bHe smiled at her instantly.nAnd somehow, ridiculously, that made your chest ache.
******
The drive home was quiet. Your daughter had fallen asleep in her car seat, one hand still clutching the stuffed giraffe sheâd been carrying around all week. Robby glanced over from the driverâs seat.
âYou sure youâre okay?â
You looked out the window.
âIâm fine.â
âYouâre doing that thing.â
âWhat thing?â
âThe thing where you say youâre fine but your voice goes all weird.â
You almost laughed.
âThatâs very scientific, Doctor.â
âIâm an excellent diagnostician.â
You finally looked at him. He smiled softly. You returned it, but it didnât quite reach your eyes. His smile faded.
âTalk to me.â
You looked back out the window.
âThereâs nothing to talk about.â
He didnât push. Which somehow made you feel worse.
******
A few days later, he got called into the hospital for a few hours. Some staffing issue. A physician had called out sick. Heâd kissed your forehead, apologized profusely, and promised he wouldnât be gone long. So it was just you and your daughter that afternoon.
You sat on the living room floor while she played. Or ratherâŠwhile she destroyed the living room. Blocks were everywhere. Books had somehow ended up under the coffee table. One sock had disappeared entirely. You watched her crawl toward the television stand.
âNo, maâam.â
She ignored you. You gently turned her around. She blinked. Then immediately went right back toward it. You laughed softly.
âYouâre stubborn.â
She looked up. And for one beautiful second, you thought maybeâŠMaybe there it was. Maybe that was yours. Because you were stubborn too.
Then she scrunched her face. Exactly like Robby. And the thought disappeared. You sighed. Your daughter crawled back over and pulled herself up against your legs. You smiled and brushed her curls away from her eyes.
âHi, sweetheart.â
She grinned.
âDada.â
Your smile faltered.nYour husband had only been gone for forty minutes.
âDada?â
She looked around.
âDada.â
âOh.â You swallowed. âHeâs at work.â
âDada.â
âI know.â
She looked toward the hallway.
âDada?â
Your chest tightened. You picked her up. She immediately twisted in your arms, looking around the room.
âDada.â
âI know, baby.â
Your voice sounded strange. She looked at you. Then back toward the hallway.
âDada.â
You hugged her a little closer.
âIâm right here.â
She blinked. Then rested her head against your shoulder. You closed your eyes. Because she was cuddling you. She wanted comfort. She was perfectly happy. But your brain was being cruel today. All you could hear was that tiny little voice asking for him. Asking for her father. Not her mother. Not you.
Your eyes burned. You sat down in the rocking chair by the window and held her close. She played with the sleeve of your sweater.
Eventually she looked up at you. A tiny smile. You smiled back.
âHi.â
She touched your cheek. Your heart melted.
âDada.â
You looked away before the tears could come.
******
When Robby got home that evening, she nearly launched herself out of your arms.
âDada!â
He laughed, dropping his bag.
âWhoa there.â
She reached for him desperately. You handed her over. Because of course you did. And because you loved seeing them together. But tonightâŠtonight it hurt. Robby kissed her cheek.
âMiss me?â
She babbled happily. He looked over at you.
âYou two survive without me?â
You forced a smile.
âBarely.â
He chuckled. Then paused. Because your smile disappeared too quickly.
âHey.â
You busied yourself gathering toys.
âCan you grab her dinner plate?â
A beat of silence.
âSure.â
You nodded. You didnât look at him. Because if you didâŠyou might cry.
******
That night, after your daughter was asleep, you found yourself standing in the nursery doorway. The moon-shaped nightlight cast a soft glow over the room. She slept peacefully, one hand tucked beneath her cheek. Dark curls spread across the mattress.
She looked so much like him. You stepped closer. Sat beside the crib. And just watched her. Your beautiful girl. The baby you had prayed for. The baby you loved so much it physically hurt.
A tear slid down your cheek. Then another.
âI donât know why this is bothering me so much,â you whispered.
Your voice trembled.
âI know youâre mine too.â
You reached through the slats and touched her tiny hand.
âBut everyone sees your daddy.â
Another tear slipped free.
âAnd IâŠâ You swallowed hard. âI just want one thing thatâs mine.â
The words hung in the quiet room. You immediately felt guilty. Ashamed. Selfish. Your daughter stirred softly but didnât wake. You wiped your face. Took a shaky breath. Then whispered the thing you hadnât dared say out loud before.
âI donât know if Iâm enough for you.â
The nursery was silent. And somehowâŠthat silence felt unbearably loud. You didnât hear the floor creak behind you. You didnât hear the bedroom door open. So you had no idea that your husband was standing in the hallway. And that he had heard every single word.
******
The first thing you noticed was the warmth. A hand. Large and familiar. Resting gently against the back of your neck. You startled, turning quickly.
Robby stood there in the doorway of the nursery, his face soft in the dim glow of the nightlight. His hair was still damp from his shower, a gray T-shirt stretched across his shoulders, and yet there was something in his expression that made your heart sink. Heâd heard you. Every bit of it.
âHey,â he said quietly.
You immediately wiped beneath your eyes.
âHi.â
Neither of you moved. Then his gaze flickered to your face.
âYouâve been crying.â
You looked back at your daughter.
âIâm okay.â
He sighed softly.
âNo, youâre not.â
The words were gentle, not accusing. That somehow made them worse. You looked down at your hands. For a long moment, the only sound in the room was your daughterâs soft breathing.
Then the mattress shifted as Robby sat down beside you. He didnât speak right away. He simply slid his hand over yours. Waited. You knew that patience. Youâd seen him use it with frightened patients and grieving families and nervous residents. He never forced. He just⊠stayed.
âHow long?â he finally asked.
You frowned.
âWhat?â
âHow long have you been feeling like this?â
You swallowed.
âRobbyâŠâ
âHow long?â
His voice remained soft, but there was something underneath it now. Concern. You stared at your sleeping daughter.
âI donât know.â
He squeezed your hand. You let out a shaky breath.
âA while.â
A beat.
âA few weeks maybe.â
He was quiet for so long that you finally looked at him. And your heart broke a little. Because he looked devastated. Not angry. Not confused. Devastated.
âWhy didnât you tell me?â
You tried to laugh. It came out watery.
âBecause it sounds ridiculous.â
âSweetheart.â
âIt does.â
âIt doesnât.â
âIt does,â you insisted, your voice cracking. âSheâs a baby, Robby. She canât help who she looks like.â
âI know.â
âAnd I love that she looks like you.â
âI know.â
âButâŠâ
Your throat tightened.
âBut?â
You looked away. The tears started all over again
âI donât know.â
âTalk to me.â
You shook your head.
âI canât even explain it.â
âTry.â
The word was so gentle. So patient. You let out a trembling breath.
âI justâŠâ
Your voice faltered. Robbyâs thumb rubbed softly across your knuckles.
âI carried her for nine months.â
Your eyes stayed on the crib.
âI felt every kick. Every hiccup. I was sick and exhausted and swollen and miserable and I wouldâve done it all again because I wanted her so badly.â
He didnât interrupt.
âAnd now sheâs here and everyone looks at her and all they see is you.â
You laughed shakily through your tears.
âShe has your eyes. Your hair. Your smile. Your expressions. Your little grumpy face.â
A tiny smile touched his mouth despite himself. You looked at him.
âI canât even blame them because theyâre right.â
âHey.â
âNo, they are.â
You looked back at your daughter.
âAnd I know itâs stupid, butâŠâ
Your voice broke completely.
âI just wanted one thing.â
The room went still.
âOne thing that was mine.â
Robbyâs face crumpled. You covered your mouth with your hand.
âI know how selfish that sounds.â
âIt doesnât.â
âIt does.â
âIt really doesnât.â
You shook your head.
âIt feels like she has everything of yours.â
A tear slipped down your cheek.
âAnd I know she loves me, I know she does, but latelyâŠâ You swallowed hard. âLately I feel like Iâm just⊠there.â
Robbyâs hand tightened around yours.
âYouâre not just there.â
You looked at him then. Your eyes were red. Tired.
âI donât even feel like Iâm her favorite parent.â
The words hung in the air. You laughed softly, miserably.
âListen to me. I sound insane.â
âYou donât.â
âI do.â
âYou donât, I promise.â
Your chin trembled.
âSometimesâŠâ You looked away again. âSometimes I donât even feel like Iâm a very good mom.â
Silence. Absolute silence.
âWhat?â
You blinked. Robby was staring at you. Actually staring. Like youâd just spoken another language.
âWhere did that come from?â
You shrugged helplessly.
âI donât know.â
âNo.â
His voice had changed. Still gentle. But firmer now.
âYou donât get to throw something like that out there and then say you donât know.â
You looked down.
âLook at me.â
You didnât. A hand came up, fingers gently tipping your chin upward.
âLook at me.â
You did. And your heart squeezed. Because he looked heartbroken.
âYou think youâre not a good mom?â
A fresh wave of tears spilled down your cheeks.
âI donât know.â
âSweetheart.â
âI donât know.â
âYou are the best mother I have ever seen.â
You shook your head immediately.
âNo Iâm not.â
âYes you are.â
âNo.â
âYes.â
You laughed through your tears.
âI donât even think she likes me most days.â
His eyebrows shot upward.
âAre you kidding me?â
You sniffled.
âRobbyâŠâ
âNo, seriously. Are you kidding me?â
You stared at him. He looked completely bewildered. Like the idea itself made no sense.
âShe cries when you leave the room.â
You blinked.
âWhat?â
âShe follows you around the house.â
âSheâs a baby.â
âShe lights up when you sing to her.â
You opened your mouth. He kept going.
âShe calms down the second you pick her up.â
âRobbyââ
âShe reaches for you all the time.â
âNot like she does for you.â
He stared at you. Then his expression softened.
âOh.â
Just one word. But suddenly he understood. Understood all of it. The reaching. The asking for him. The daddyâs girl comments. Everything. You looked away.
âI know itâs ridiculous.â
âNo.â
âIt is.â
âNo, sweetheart.â
He shifted closer.
âSo this is about her asking for me.â
You said nothing.
âSo this is about everyone saying she looks like me.â
Your eyes filled again.
âI justâŠâ Your voice trembled. âI wanted one thing that belonged to me.â
The room fell quiet. You looked back at your daughter sleeping peacefully in her crib.
âSo much of motherhood already feels like giving pieces of yourself away,â you whispered. âYour body changes. Your time changes. Your whole life changes. And I would do it all again because I love her.â
Your lip trembled.
âBut I just wanted one little thing.â
You looked at him.
âJust one.â
Tears spilled down your cheeks.
âAnd I donât know why that makes me feel so awful.â
For a long moment, Robby said absolutely nothing. Then he reached for you. You went willingly. Because you always did. He pulled you into his chest, and the second his arms wrapped around you, you broke. A sob escaped you. Then another.
âOh, sweetheart,â he whispered, holding you tighter.
Your face buried in his shirt.
âIâm sorry.â
âWhat are you apologizing for?â
âThis.â
He kissed the top of your head.
âYou never have to apologize for telling me youâre hurting.â
âI feel stupid.â
âYou arenât.â
âI do.â
His hand moved slowly up and down your back.
âYou know what I think?â
You sniffled.
âWhat?â
âI think youâve been carrying this around by yourself for way too long.â
You closed your eyes. Because unfortunatelyâŠhe was right. And as he held you there in the soft glow of the nursery, your daughter sleeping peacefully a few feet away, you had a feeling your husband wasnât finished.
Not even close.
******
For a long while, neither of you moved. Robby simply held you. One hand rested at the back of your head while the other slowly rubbed up and down your spine, the same soothing motion heâd used countless times over the years whenever life became too heavy. Your tears eventually quieted, leaving behind only the occasional sniffle. Still, he didnât let go. You could hear his heartbeat beneath your ear. Steady. Familiar. Home.
âIâm sorry,â you whispered again.
Immediately, his hand paused. Then he tipped his head back just enough to look down at you.
âIf you apologize one more time, Iâm going to be offended.â
A tiny laugh escaped you. It sounded watery and broken.
âThereâs a little laugh,â he murmured.
You rolled your eyes weakly and pulled back enough to wipe your face.
âIâve cried all over your shirt.â
âI own more than one.â
âYou like this shirt.â
âI do.â
âAnd I ruined it.â
âYou absolutely did.â
A soft huff of laughter escaped you. He smiled. Then his expression gentled again.
âCan I say something?â
You nodded.
âYou donât get to decide what makes you important to her.â
You frowned.
âWhat?â
He brushed a strand of hair from your face.
âYou donât get to decide that because she has my eyes or my face, somehow Iâm more important to her.â
âI didnât say that.â
âYou didnât have to.â
You looked down. A finger slipped beneath your chin.
âLook at me.â
You did. He looked almost⊠offended. Not at you. At the idea.
âYou carried her for nine months.â
Your eyes softened.
âYou grew her.â
He brushed his thumb across your cheek.
âYou gave birth to her.â
A second tear slid free.
âYou are the reason she exists.â
You swallowed.
âRobbyââ
âNo. Let me finish.â
There was no bite in his voice. Only gentle insistence.
âYou know what our daughter knew before she knew my face?â
You blinked.
âWhat?â
âYour heartbeat.â
You went still.
âShe knew your voice.â
His hand settled against your cheek.
âShe knew the way you laughed.â
Another tear escaped.
âShe knew how you sounded when you talked to her in the middle of the night because you thought I was asleep.â
You let out a soft, surprised breath. He smiled.
âI wasnât, by the way.â
âYou were supposed to be sleeping.â
âI know.â
A tiny laugh escaped him.
âYouâd put your hand on your stomach and tell her all these things.â
Your eyes filled all over again.
âYouâd tell her about the world and how much you loved her and how excited you were to meet her.â
You looked down.
âI remember.â
âI do too.â
Silence settled between you. Then he gently tucked a piece of hair behind your ear.
âShe knew you before she knew anyone else.â
Your chin trembled.
âEven me.â
The tears came again. Not hard this time. Just quietly.
âYou are her first home.â
You covered your mouth. Robbyâs expression softened even more.
âAnd sweetheart⊠she doesnât reach for me because she loves you less.â
You looked at him.
âThen why does she always want you?â
He smiled softly.
âBecause you are always here.â
You frowned.
âWhat?â
âI leave.â
You blinked.
âI go to work.â He shrugged lightly. âSometimes for twelve hours. Sometimes longer.â
Your eyes stayed on his.
âYou are her constant.â
A tear slipped down your cheek.
âWhen I come home, itâs exciting.â
He smiled sadly.
âIâm the fun thing that just walked through the door.â
You stared at him.
âBut youâre her whole day.â
Your lip trembled.
âYouâre breakfast and lunch and naps and books and songs and cuddles.â
You swallowed hard.
âYou are every safe thing she knows.â
The nursery suddenly felt very quiet.
âYou think she asks for me because she needs me more.â
He gently brushed away another tear.
âNo, sweetheart.â His voice softened. âShe asks for me because she already knows youâre not going anywhere.â
You broke all over again. A sob escaped you. His face crumpled immediately.
âOh, honey.â
You covered your eyes.
âOh my God.â
He gathered you back into his arms without hesitation.
âYou are her safe place.â
You cried harder.
âShe reaches for me because Iâm exciting.â
You laughed through your tears.
âI donât know if exciting is the word Iâd use.â
He snorted softly.
âFine. Novel.â
You laughed again. A shaky, tearful sound.
âPlease trust me,â he whispered, kissing your temple.
You stayed tucked against him.
And after another minute, you whispered, âEveryone says sheâs your twin.â
âI know.â
âIt hurts.â
âI know.â
You looked up.
âNo, I donât think you do.â
He was quiet. Then he nodded.
âYouâre right. I probably donât.â
Your eyes softened.
âBut I do know what itâs like to want to see yourself in someone you love.â
You frowned.
âWhat do you mean?â
He looked toward the crib.
âI look at her every day and pray she got your heart.â
You blinked.
âWhat?â
âI hope she got your kindness.â
Your breath caught.
âYour patience.â
He smiled.
âYour empathy.â
You stared at him.
âYour ability to make people feel safe.â
A tear slipped free.
âI hope she gets your laugh.â
You smiled despite yourself.
âYour stubbornness too, unfortunately.â
You let out a watery laugh.
âOr maybe she got that from both of us?â
He kissed your forehead.
âI donât care if she looks exactly like me.â His voice softened. âI hope sheâs like you.â
Your face crumpled. Because there it was. The thing you hadnât realized you needed. Not to hear that she had your nose. Not to hear that she had your skin. But to hear that maybe⊠maybe the things that mattered most couldnât be seen.
âYou really think that?â you whispered.
He looked almost confused.
âOf course I do.â
Silence. Then you looked toward the crib.
âSheâs beautiful.â
âShe is.â
âAnd kind.â
âVery.â
âAnd happy.â
âThe happiest.â
You swallowed.
âMaybe she already has some of me.â
He smiled.
âOh, sweetheart.â
His hand settled over yours.
âShe has all kinds of you.â
You looked back at him.
âReally?â
He looked downright offended again.
âHave you seen the way she reaches out to pet every dog she meets?â
You laughed softly.
âOkay⊠maybe.â
âThe way she watches people when theyâre upset.â
Your smile faded.
âThe way she leans against you when she thinks youâre sad.â
Your throat tightened.
âThe way she giggles when she hears music.â
Another tear escaped.
âThose things didnât come from me.â
You stared at him. He smiled softly.
âThey came from her mama.â
The room blurred. And for the first time in weeksâŠthe ache in your chest eased. Just a little. Robby reached over and wiped away the last of your tears. Then he leaned forward and kissed your forehead.
âBesides,â he said softly, âyouâre forgetting one very important thing.â
You frowned.
âWhat?â
A slow smile spread across his face.
âYou gave her your nose.â
You laughed. A real laugh this time. He grinned.
âAnd honestly? Thank God.â
You smacked his arm.
âRobby!â
âWhat? My nose is huge.â
âIt is not.â
âIt absolutely is.â
You laughed again, shaking your head. He looked at you like heâd hung the moon. Then he kissed your temple. Then your cheek. Then the tip of your nose.
âYouâre a good mom.â
You closed your eyes.
âYouâre an incredible mom.â
A tear slipped free.
âAnd our daughter adores you.â
You leaned into him.
âI love you.â
His arms tightened.
âI love you too.â
The two of you sat there for a long while after that. Just holding each other. Watching your little girl sleep. And when you finally stood to leave the nursery, Robby slipped his hand into yours. You looked up at him. He smiled softly.
âCome to bed.â
You squeezed his hand.
âOkay.â
As you stepped into the hallway, neither of you noticed the tiny pair of eyes blinking open inside the crib. Or the little girl watching her parents walk away. Watching her mama. And smiling.
******
The next morning felt lighter. Not perfect. The little ache in your chest hadnât completely disappeared overnight, but it no longer felt quite so sharp. Maybe because you had finally said it out loud. Maybe because your husband had held every ugly, insecure feeling in his hands and hadnât laughed or dismissed it. Maybe because heâd looked at you like you were the most important person in the world and reminded you that motherhood wasnât measured in genetics or who got the first smile.
It was measured in love. And you loved your daughter more than you had ever thought possible. You stood in the kitchen, making coffee while morning sunlight streamed through the windows. A few minutes later, you heard the familiar shuffle of feet.
âMama?â
You smiled. You turned to find Robby standing in the doorway, your daughter balanced on one hip. His hair was a mess, his T-shirt wrinkled from sleep, and your little girl looked equally disheveled. The sight nearly made you laugh.
âGood morning.â
Your daughterâs entire face brightened.
âMama!â
She reached for you. Your heart fluttered. You took her from him and kissed her chubby cheek.
âThereâs my girl.â
She giggled. Robby wrapped his arms around both of you from behind, pressing a kiss into your hair.
âShe woke up and immediately demanded breakfast.â
âDemanded?â you asked.
âYes. Quite aggressively.â
Your daughter babbled.
âSee?â he said. âSheâs defending herself.â
You laughed. And something inside you eased a little more.
The day passed quietly. No visitors. No comments about whose eyes she had. No mention of who she resembled. Just your little family. The three of you played in the living room, ordered takeout for lunch, and spent most of the afternoon on the floor surrounded by blocks and books. Your daughter had recently started pulling herself up on everything. The couch. The coffee table. Your legs. Robby. Mostly Robby.
âYouâre going to walk before weâre ready,â he informed her seriously.
She smiled. Then promptly tried to eat one of her blocks.
âNever mind,â he sighed.
You laughed. By early evening, the sun cast golden light through the windows. You sat on the rug folding tiny laundry while your daughter played near the couch. Robby was stretched out beside you, absently sorting through baby toys. It was peaceful. Quiet. The kind of ordinary moment you knew one day youâd miss.
Then you looked up. And froze. Your daughter was standing. Not holding the couch. Not holding the table. Standing. Completely on her own.
âOh my God,â you whispered.
Robby looked up immediately.
âWhat?â
Then he saw her. His eyes widened.
âNo way.â
The two of you became perfectly still. As though even breathing too loudly would ruin it. Your daughter looked between the two of you. Proud. Wobbly. A tiny smile spread across her face.
âOh, sweetheart,â you breathed.
Robby slowly sat up.
âI think this is happening.â
âI think it is too.â
Your daughter swayed. Regained her balance. Then looked directly at you. Your breath caught. She smiled. And took one tiny step. You gasped. A second step.
âOh my God.â
A third. Robbyâs hand found yours. A fourth. Then she tipped forward. Straight into your waiting arms. You caught her with a startled laugh, immediately gathering her against your chest. For a second, everything went silent.
âOh my God!â
Tears instantly filled your eyes. Your daughter giggled. You looked at her in complete disbelief.
âYou walked.â
She squealed.
âYou walked!â
Robby let out a strangled sound beside you. You looked over. Your husband was crying. Actual tears. You burst out laughing.
âOh my God, youâre crying.â
âNo, Iâm not.â
âYou absolutely are.â
âIâm having an emotional response.â
You laughed harder.
âThatâs called crying.â
He wiped at his eyes.
âI wasnât prepared.â
Neither of you could stop smiling. You looked back down at your daughter. And she looked back at you. Then she reached up with both tiny hands and cupped your cheeks. Your breath caught.
âMama.â
The world stopped. Everything stopped. Your heart. Your breathing. Time itself.
âMama.â
A sob escaped you.
âOh.â
Tears spilled freely down your cheeks. Your daughter smiled.
âMama.â
You pulled her against you and held her close.
âOh, sweetheart.â
Your voice broke completely. Robby was openly crying now. Neither of you cared. You kissed your daughterâs curls. Her forehead. Her cheeks.
âI love you so much.â
She laughed and patted your face.
âMama.â
You let out another tearful laugh. Then strong arms wrapped around both of you. Robby gathered you and your daughter into his lap until all three of you were tangled together on the rug. Your daughter happily squished between you.
You looked up. Your husband was staring at you. Not at the baby. At you. And his expression was so soft it made your chest ache.
âWhat?â you whispered.
He smiled. Then he reached over and brushed away your tears.
âLooks like she knew exactly where she wanted to go.â
Fresh tears filled your eyes. You laughed softly.
âRobbyâŠâ
âNo.â His own eyes glistened. âI think she just picked her person.â
You shook your head immediately.
âNo, sheââ
âShe did.â
His voice was gentle. Certain.
âBecause she couldâve gone anywhere.â
You looked down at your daughter. She was now chewing on your sleeve.
âBut she walked to you.â
Your lip trembled.
âYou.â
A tear slipped down your cheek. Robby reached over and kissed your forehead. Then another kiss to your temple. Then your cheek.
âSo I think we can officially retire the whole âshe doesnât need meâ thing.â
You laughed through your tears.
âMaybe.â
He grinned.
âMaybe?â
You smiled.
âDefinitely.â
âThere we go.â
He kissed your forehead again. Your daughter looked between the two of you and giggled. Then she reached up and smacked her fatherâs face. He blinked. You burst out laughing.
âWell, thatâs definitely your child.â
He looked offended.
âMy child?â
âAbsolutely.â
Your daughter did it again. He sighed.
âI stand corrected. She has your sense of humor.â
You laughed harder. Then your little girl leaned forward and buried herself against your chest. Your laughter slowly faded. Because there she was. Curled against you. Warm. Safe. Home.
You looked at the dark curls on her head. The eyes that looked so much like her fatherâs. The tiny fingers. The little expressions. And suddenlyâŠyou didnât care. Because she had just taken her very first steps. And she had walked straight into your arms. As though there had never been any other destination.
Robby watched your face soften. He smiled. Then he wrapped one arm around your shoulders and pulled you close. You rested your head against him. Your daughter tucked safely between you.
The three of you sat there on the living room floor as the evening sunlight poured through the windows. No one said anything for a long while. Then your husband pressed one final kiss into your hair and whispered softly,
âShe has my eyes.â
You smiled.
âShe does.â
âMy hair.â
âDefinitely.â
He looked down at the little girl asleep against your chest. Then back at you.
âBut she knows exactly who her mama is.â
Your eyes filled one last time. You looked at your daughter. Then at the man beside you. Your family. Your whole heart. And as your daughter sighed in her sleep and curled even closer against you, you finally believed it. She had never needed something of yours. Because from the very beginning she already had your heart.
The outgrowing that version wasnât the painful part. Figuring out how to move on and leave those who canât/wont/arenât accepting? Thatâs the hard part. Tips tricks and advice is appreciated.
People talking abt autism like its a set of quirky silly traits and not an often debilitating neurological disorder genuinely drives me up a wall, especially as someone who's support needs are higher.
"I want a gf with autism :3" ok are you prepared to help them with hygiene tasks? Are you gonna help them with laundry and cleaning their room? Are you gonna be patient with them when they're using AAC? Will you comfort them through meltdowns? Or do you just want a gf who talks to you about dinosaurs and has a cute "neurodivergent aesthetic"?
The minimization of autistic struggles to just "socially awkward sometimes" ends up making higher support needs autistics feel real isolated, because it's obvious that when you romanticize neurodivergence, you're not talking about us.
You wanna talk about serving cunt? Miss Parker from The Pretender was doing it every scene. Every single second. There is no one else. She is the blueprint.
so donât get me wrong: the fact that the first case mel and frank ever work on together is a marriage collapsing due to drug use is⊠already just insane work. but i rewatched this episode recently and i canât get it out of my head that this couple mirrors frank and abby more than we even think.
obviously, franks addiction is heavily foreshadowed through his patients in season one. once itâs revealed that the little boy accidentally got into his fatherâs marijuana gummies, we see this subtle undertone in pballâs performance as frank where, in my opinion, heâs facing the reality of how his behavior could have (or could in the future if he doesnât get it together) effected his kids and the foundation of trust in his marriage.
however, even before amanda (the mother) finds out that drewâs (the father) irresponsibility is technically the reason why tyler is ill, she assumes it anyway. sheâs very snarky with mel and frank as they ask her about tylers routines, and when they ask about recent injuries she immediately throws drew under the bus and complains about his actions/parenting/responsibility by saying âbut he roughhouses with drew all the timeâ (paraphrased). drew shoots back with something like âbut he never gets hurt.â very defensive, an argument that seems like itâs been had many times.
combine this with the fact that she didnât even know her husband was using weed recreationally (which i assume is because he knew she would take issue with it) makes it clear that there is already tension, mistrust, blame, and resentment between them. the accident with their son only brings to the surface what has been concealed or hidden in passive aggressive quips.
i believe this is a direct insight into frank and abbyâs marriage. we are supposed to gather from everything explicitly stated about abby (wanting a birkin?, frank getting her a dog, frank overcompensating all the time) that they fundamentally do not understand each other. but i think amanda and drew tell us that langdon, even before his addiction, felt like he couldnât do anything right in abbyâs eyes.
and NOW couple this WITH the fact that langdon has been in residency working eighty hours a week for not that much money, missing out on his childrenâs lives while abby is basically solo parenting all day every day, and all of this began during the pandemic⊠baby that marriage was destined to fail from day one.
itâs not weird to find fanfiction from 2021, or 2017, or 2014 that youâve never read and actually taking your time to read it.
itâs not weird to love it and comment and leave kudos because the author will probably still see it someday and it will make them happy.
itâs not weird to like said authorâs work so much that you want to go look for other fics from them.
itâs not weird to go through the authors profile and look for other fics from the ships you like (or maybe some that youâll give a chance because you liked the author) and maybe bookmark them for later.
itâs not weird to read these other fics and like them too and comment on them because you actually like them and you want to let the author know.
itâs not weird to read fanfiction from 5, or 8, or 10 years ago and actually enjoy and engage with it because itâs perfectly normal to relate to something thatâs less than a decade old!
letâs stop treating fanfiction like theyâre instagram posts that stop being interesting in 24 hours! fanfiction is NOT social media, fanfiction is art!!! and art doesnât get old in one day, one year, or even a decade!
read fanfiction! write fanfiction! comment on fanfiction! letâs not let fanculture die people!!!!!