@greenelight sent : he loves him. even after everything they've been through, that has never once wavered & while he should hate him for it, he never could, even when he was angry & hurt by his actions. as mason moves to enter his apt building, which sam so graciously walked him home to, he instead decides to gently step on his tiptoes to give the writer a peck on the cheek, a gesture of thanks & perhaps one of hope. "chin up, buttercup," he whispers with a smile. "things will get better for you. i know they will."
samuel has to keep his hands in his pockets in order to stop himself from trying to reach for mason’s as they walk. it still feels so strange to him, to spend all this time together just as friends after all their years of history - both the good and the bad. not that he doesn’t enjoy being friends with mason, because of course he does. they’ve always had chemistry, naturally, but more than that, they’ve always enjoyed each other’s personalities on a deeper level than that. it’s a beautiful and tragic truth, that they had fallen apart anyway, that they could see each other that clearly and it still all fell to shit. because of samuel, chiefly, which is a fact he knows, a fact that he’s loathe to say haunts him sometimes, when he thinks of what could have been if he’d just managed to get his shit together in time. but he’d taken too long, just as he takes too long with everything in his life. ( often, it feels like he’s trying to walk through a lake of molasses, unable to move more quickly and yet working against some impossible deadline that he’s only set for himself. )
when they reach the door, he turns to the other man, smiling a little, trying not to look at all as pained as he feels. he has no right to such aching after everything and he knows that, but that doesn’t stop it creeping in during times like these. maybe they’d simply missed their moment. and samuel knows better than to ask for it back now. the fact that mason is even willing to spend time with him at this point should be enough - is enough - and sam is certain he can be satisfied with whatever it is the other man is willing to give. ( yearning aside, he is lucky enough that mason is in his life at all, after everything. ) in a way, sam is quite certain he’s made himself unlovable through the years and it leads him to wonder if he ever truly deserved what he had, with the necessary conclusion being that he hadn’t. but here he stands anyway, offering the best of himself for however little of that he has left and asking himself how good the best of him ever was to begin with.
the kiss leaves him blinking, however innocent it is, and his eyes turn to mason. to reciprocate would be to cross a line ; to initiate more would perhaps put an end to their already tenuous friendship. it is better to accept with grace any whisper of affection he can, knowing his opportunities might wane eventually. he firms his smile, nodding once, although he does not reach to touch the other man. ( best not to push ; if this is all there is, if this is all there can be, then samuel will take it. ) ❛ don’t you worry about me, darling, ❜ he answers softly. ❛ I’ll be all right. ❜ he nods toward the door to the apartment building, shoving his hands deeper into his pockets. ❛ now, go on ; pretty sure it’s past both our bedtimes. ❜