Soon, Sarah.

Little sweet sorrow

[soonsarahsoon]

I wish to die alone

21/7/2025

I wish that when I die,

I would die alone

without anyone beside me

so that I can whisper to myself of

all the things that I am proud of

I will let the silence sing to me

My last few breaths, the beat

It is mine and mine only to cherish

What a wonderful feeling

the rise and fall of my chest

If I ever live my life to the fullest

I want to say thank you to my body

and touch my wrinkled hands

to trace the paths I have created

and of all the things that I have done

While I close my eyes for the very last time

the darkness will engulf my very existence

I shall go as if I am falling into deep sleep

savouring the sweet sensation of drifting away

To an adventure unknown

[soonsarahsoon]

A little mess

6/4/2025

My consciousness is avoiding

the rush of leaves that forms

A dust devil that would stir up

the compartments that

I have kept tucked neatly

very deeply somewhere out of sight

Very long time ago it was as if a tornado had

flown around without control

A very confused state where I had to

rearrange brick by brick like

it was a Tetris battle trying not to

stir up any more dust

I am allergic to mess like the dander of

my cats that I love so much

Stuck on my black shirts no matter

how hard I try they stick and never go away

Entering my eyes usually in a state of

unexpectedness and I tear up

Yet there is an expanding universe in my bag

Full of receipts of the past

scrunched up little planets of sentiments

Keeping themselves in wonky orbits

waiting to collide when I pour out the

contents to rearrange my mind

[soonsarahsoon]

I’m not lazy

19/7/2024

Listless morning,

windows to the east.

I don’t know where to start

So I take in all the light

Very first activity

other than dreaming

I untangled my mind

from the restless night

of toss and turning

In the dream I kept running

hiding and chasing

I register the colour

that comes into my eyes

I let them tell the time

rather than guessing where am I

Bleary eyed with leftover

tears In my eyes I

wiped away my pride

I celebrate my body

choosing not to die

yesterday night I’m happy

that I get to see and breathe

at least now I’m doing something

I can tell the world I’m not lazy

[remanence-of-love]

[soonsarahsoon]

Whatever

20/10/2022

She likes to stare into the glare

of car windows as they pass by

without squinting her eyes

She likes the green dots in her vision

Like paint strokes on abstract paintings

- they need no explanation to the world

if they’re only happening through

the windows of her mind

She doesn’t like the idea of giving

meaning to things sometimes

Do the sloshes of paint carry

messages of importance

She doesn’t care

The world is her massive canvas

without a gigantic frame

Some days she stares into the sky

and carries the piece of green onto

her room wall as an act of defiance

Because nobody could stop her

She will continue to do whatever she likes

[soonsarahsoon]

Skin

3/10/2022

You’ll never know

until you jump into the water.

How much your elbow stings

and where exactly have you scraped off

a part of your skin.

A piece of you is gone.

Was it the sharp edge of the table

or was it the coarseness of the sand.

Deep down inside you knew

it was your own finger

that chose the path of

self inflicted pain.

[soonsarahsoon]

An Ode to Ryan’s Love

2/10/2022

Your love existed in the form of portable chargers, a bottle of Vitamin D, and the non- stop reminder to take the Vitamin D. You knew that the world was tough - those were the armour you gave to me, that I carry till this very day.

Your love came incessantly even when I told you that it was too much, and that you should keep some for yourself. You did not calculate them in grams, nor in dollars, yet you were willing to receive returns in the form of hugs and kisses.

Your love poured down like rain outside the window, while we cuddled in the warmth of the nest you built for us. You knew how much I loved this weather, and how much cuddles meant to me and so you held me even though your arm was numb.

Your love was selfless, kind and pure. Your love was to let me go. Your love was to make sure I have a better future than whatever we had. I can still feel it even when your love is history, like a memento for me to cherish and keep.

[soonsarahsoon]

With love from earth

28/8/2022

My dear to you I promise,

When the first sunray hits your face

you will feel the love from the earth.

No matter how unwanted you think you are,

the world will always welcome you with

its open arms. The beautiful sights will

lift your downcast eyes, the fresh air your

sunken shoulders. It will show you its

incessant unrelenting love until the day

you’re ready to stand up on your feet.

My love I just want to tell you,

If your chest feels heavy at the break of dawn,

open your window and listen to the sounds

when the world wakes up. When you’re

able to make out what’s happening you’ll

realise that they are calling out to you.

The hills yearn for your footsteps and

your laughs when you stumble upon a funny

thought. And when you trip and fall, the

earth will receive you as you are.

[soonsarahsoon]

Forget-me-nots

27/8/2022

I’m allowed to go to bed like the sun does

but you keep on peeking through from the inside of

my eyes and projecting pictures in my mind

Hiding in the cracks of mountains I look at

the sky full of stars that combine into images of you

I want darkness but the sky is just too bright

I want to sleep through the winter so that

when I awake the seasons change but when cold

wind blows I think of the warmth you gave

I hope that when the first flower blooms

I can start anew with blank slate white as snow

but why does it have to be forget-me-nots

[soonsarahsoon]

Question Marks

23/8/2022

When I was twelve my teacher told me that I’d been using too much of similes

and metaphors which came as a shock to me as a child who just loved to write.

I loved to describe how it’s like or what it’s like with the images in my mind just

so people could feel the stories exactly like how it’s supposed to be right.

I remember writing “the child cried like a puppy who had lost its mother” and

“His smile is a rainbow turned upside down.” thinking that I must be so bright.

My essays would always come back with big red circles and question marks

reflecting how lost I was as a child who genuinely honestly just loved to write.

[soonsarahsoon]

Natural

23/8/2022

I love to catch words for you

and write them as they are

I will still say I miss you

when I miss you, and vice versa

I’ll let them slide off my tongue

as natural as how rain falls

onto your palms I will place my cheek

and spell out the stars

[soonsarahsoon]

Attic

22/8/2022

I archived you

In a box in my head

just so my feelings

wouldn’t leak

Like what the clogged drainpipe

did to our balcony

when the rain comes

unexpectedly

Still the warmth in the air

of the dark attic

Like the sticky feeling

that wouldn’t leave

I left the wreckage

as it is and

walked down the stairs

- I threw away the key

[4s1na]

"my darling, you will never be unloved by me you are too well tangled in my soul"

— Atticus

[soonsarahsoon]

Halfway

19/8/2022

I like to hang around the semi sleeps

Where thoughts are neither

Dream nor reality

When you’d breathe next to me

Or the rain that may or

may not exist

I like to keep my eyes closed

and float

In the sweet nothingness I half control

When you’d kiss me

I could somehow or other

choose to believe

[soonsarahsoon]

Being alone

5/2/2020

Being alone needs practice

-- just like muscle memory.

I was pretty sure I was gonna be alright travelling alone up till when I really did. The loneliness creeps in like muscle soreness. It’s bugging me when I tried to let it be. 

The sights are pretty but I want to share it with somebody. But nobody’s talking to me. Everyone’s separated by a mask, and it feels pretty damn cold because it February. 

I should be having the time of my life but I’m feeling pretty lonely. 

[yu-fukagawa]

ADKクリエイティブ・ワン「ちい告 #3 秋号」｜挿絵

[soonsarahsoon]

😊

[soonsarahsoon]

Better place

20/1/2020

Looking at my past self at a vantage point feels surreal. 

Most of the ghosts are gone now, leaving behind a few that haunt me on bad days. I let them haunt me, knowing that they’ll go away. Because my sunshine awaits. I am no longer afraid. 

I am not closing this chapter. Holding on to them, forever I will. Being in a better place does not mean that life is forever good. There will be dark days and when the dark days come, I will need these stories as a reminder of how strong I was. 

Better days await. As the love of my life holds my hands, I move forward in life, getting closer to the self that I yearn to be. We fight trials and tribulations as a team. This time, I too wear an armour. But I have learnt how to shed it when I need to.