life adventures log 12
june 10, 2026
you were just thinking to yourself, what an odd feeling it is to be so familiar with what was once unfamiliar. you felt the sting of that as you were driving off campus. you thought to yourself, more than four years ago you were driving around this campus with your parents. you were terrified of driving, so your dad drove as you toured around by yourself. at the time, you could've never dreamed yourself there. your family got lost behind the buildings and stuck in a dead end. now, you know that campus like the back of your hand, its ins and outs, ups and downs, and how to go every which way. at 18, did you know that this was the place you would call home? a place that you would feel so comfortable in? the answer is oooobviously not. but how weird it is to think that this place is something you once never knew.
there's a lot of things that are familiar now that were strange before. obviously. that's what it is to learn; to know things you didn't know before. to be familiar with what was once unfamiliar. you don't like being new at things. you hate the growing pains and the feeling of walking on two new feet. you hate stumbling.
you like how it feels to be good at something. how it feels to be able to talk about something and teach others. you like being able to talk about what you know and you like being familiar with speaking about that thing. that's another thing that's familiar these days: speaking.
you've been talking more. quite a lot, actually. you talk more with strangers than your own friends, just because of the prospect of school. but talking with strangers isn't going poorly. you don't think it ever went poorly in the past, but you didn't like doing it before. now you feel comfortable in your skin (for the most part). you enjoy talking with interesting and smart people and being able to match their intellect. you're feeling so blessed to have intellect, especially in a world where intellect is hard to access.
you feel like a poser lately. larp some may call it. or performative. you suppose this is how it's always been. the feeling stems from imposter syndrome, insecurity, and the need to impress. the sting comes from the recognition: you catch yourself acting differently in front of different people, then question what just happened. like, why do you feel the need? people like you. you don't lie at them often, so they like the usual you, but then you decide to act up in different scenarios. you want to try to stop. hopefully speaking it out into existence will help.
but despite it all, you are happy. you're stressed ouuuttt with school, but being busy gives you something to talk about, which obviously you like. although, you dont wanna be one of those people who talk about work all the time and thats it. learn how to talk about other peoples' life. you're happy. you have friends that look after you and care for you. you have people that guide you. you have a god that loves you. life is.. good. not perfect, but good. you feel like you're working towards something and its good.
but as you're writing that, you cant help but feel bad about Something out there. like there's something to worry about. you think about your love life. in the last couple of days, you've exclaimed (in a joking way) how lonely you are. you aren't lonely at all, but just desperately curious. the prospects from before have officially fizzled out. taken or lost to the wind. dating apps are kind of. not fun anymore. at first it was nice. get to chat with people at your own pace. but now there's so much time to sort through and lack thereof. you don't want to say "after school" because there's so much of it left. you're not doomed, but every day you get farther from young love. you want to fuck around and find out. you want to be young too!
perhaps being loved (in that way) will one day feel something familiar. maybe it never will be. you're not as okay with that sentiment as you once were. you're alright with never being loved; you have plenty around you for that. but you're more concerned with never trying it. never being able to be in that situation. this is probably something very known. but every day you feel more and more behind.
you have more to say, but you're feeling tired. today's log is more for feelings, you suppose. whatever happens, happens. hopefully (actually not hopefully) in a few months you're still feeling the same way and you can fill yourself in about those other unmentioned feelings. do what you want.
sincerely,
past you
song: found me - men i trust










