mishmash @soopscoop - Tumblr Blog

life adventures log 12

june 10, 2026

you were just thinking to yourself, what an odd feeling it is to be so familiar with what was once unfamiliar. you felt the sting of that as you were driving off campus. you thought to yourself, more than four years ago you were driving around this campus with your parents. you were terrified of driving, so your dad drove as you toured around by yourself. at the time, you could've never dreamed yourself there. your family got lost behind the buildings and stuck in a dead end. now, you know that campus like the back of your hand, its ins and outs, ups and downs, and how to go every which way. at 18, did you know that this was the place you would call home? a place that you would feel so comfortable in? the answer is oooobviously not. but how weird it is to think that this place is something you once never knew.

there's a lot of things that are familiar now that were strange before. obviously. that's what it is to learn; to know things you didn't know before. to be familiar with what was once unfamiliar. you don't like being new at things. you hate the growing pains and the feeling of walking on two new feet. you hate stumbling.

you like how it feels to be good at something. how it feels to be able to talk about something and teach others. you like being able to talk about what you know and you like being familiar with speaking about that thing. that's another thing that's familiar these days: speaking.

you've been talking more. quite a lot, actually. you talk more with strangers than your own friends, just because of the prospect of school. but talking with strangers isn't going poorly. you don't think it ever went poorly in the past, but you didn't like doing it before. now you feel comfortable in your skin (for the most part). you enjoy talking with interesting and smart people and being able to match their intellect. you're feeling so blessed to have intellect, especially in a world where intellect is hard to access.

you feel like a poser lately. larp some may call it. or performative. you suppose this is how it's always been. the feeling stems from imposter syndrome, insecurity, and the need to impress. the sting comes from the recognition: you catch yourself acting differently in front of different people, then question what just happened. like, why do you feel the need? people like you. you don't lie at them often, so they like the usual you, but then you decide to act up in different scenarios. you want to try to stop. hopefully speaking it out into existence will help.

but despite it all, you are happy. you're stressed ouuuttt with school, but being busy gives you something to talk about, which obviously you like. although, you dont wanna be one of those people who talk about work all the time and thats it. learn how to talk about other peoples' life. you're happy. you have friends that look after you and care for you. you have people that guide you. you have a god that loves you. life is.. good. not perfect, but good. you feel like you're working towards something and its good.

but as you're writing that, you cant help but feel bad about Something out there. like there's something to worry about. you think about your love life. in the last couple of days, you've exclaimed (in a joking way) how lonely you are. you aren't lonely at all, but just desperately curious. the prospects from before have officially fizzled out. taken or lost to the wind. dating apps are kind of. not fun anymore. at first it was nice. get to chat with people at your own pace. but now there's so much time to sort through and lack thereof. you don't want to say "after school" because there's so much of it left. you're not doomed, but every day you get farther from young love. you want to fuck around and find out. you want to be young too!

perhaps being loved (in that way) will one day feel something familiar. maybe it never will be. you're not as okay with that sentiment as you once were. you're alright with never being loved; you have plenty around you for that. but you're more concerned with never trying it. never being able to be in that situation. this is probably something very known. but every day you feel more and more behind.

you have more to say, but you're feeling tired. today's log is more for feelings, you suppose. whatever happens, happens. hopefully (actually not hopefully) in a few months you're still feeling the same way and you can fill yourself in about those other unmentioned feelings. do what you want.

sincerely,

past you

song: found me - men i trust

life adventures log 11

february 17, 2026

you keep doing this man… leaving the log open and then forgetting to actually write something. whatever, here’s what you left over from last time:

january 29, 2026

happy birthday! its currently your first hour of being 22. your sister mentioned it earlier when she greeted you. life’s been busy, so you haven’t had much time to think of the ramifications. 22 is big.

those your age begin to enter the Real Workforce. professionals doing professional things and getting professional money. you feel unprepared and wary. nervous to face reality.

you still feel that way. you feel younger than you are, yet so much older. maybe 22 is right for you. maybe you’re always meant to be the age that you are right now.

huge life update! you got into grad school! its not painfully hard like you imagined, but your first few exams are coming up. you don’t feel strained, but every second you’re not working you feel the guilt that you COULD be studying. your peers are much more stressed than you. they have jobs and relationships to attend to. you’re just here. but you’re smart. you’re capable. you’re doing well!

tonal switch. you recently had a conversation with a friend. she said that her “entire life is other people” (in reference to how she now has a new girlfriend and is very content now that she is able to “serve” a beautiful woman lol). this concept is hard for you to wrap your head around. well, not that hard.. you’re not a psychopath. but, you definitely are selfish. self-centered. you think of other people and try your hardest to be open-minded and thoughtful, but its seemingly effortful. you’ve raised yourself with putting yourself first. but you want to care. you want your kindness to be second nature. maybe it is, and your being dramatic. you told your friend (a different one) that a new year’s resolution of yours was to be kinder. she said that was crazy to hear from one of the kindest people she knows. huh? who, you? she doesn’t know the half of it. you’re a bitch.

in relation to all that, you recently saw a video of a guy always making time to talk to someone, but the other person only talking when it’s convenient for them. thats bad. thats soooo you, dude. you have an awful habit of texting people when you can, and leaving them on read otherwise. it’s because you don’t feel like it. that’s awful. you’re a bitch.

in spite of all that, you went to the club recently. first time. gay club. it was awesome. you were so scared you would hate it. that there’d be too many noises, too many people. but that’s never bothered you before, why would it now? you enjoyed yourself. you enjoyed that your friends showed up for you. you enjoyed that you could attend to so many people at once. you enjoyed dancing with certain people.

there’s this friend of yours, one you’re interested in. he said he’s talking to someone at the moment, but you both got drunk and danced together and whatnot. it was fun in the moment, but what does all of that even mean for you? you hope to talk to him more.

you’re trying to get out more. be at home less. its hard because your grandmother isn’t doing the best right now. you feel guilty being away because it just feels right that you’d be at home. what a blessing it is to not be a caretaker. to not have to put down your hopes and dreams for take care of another. so many people have to do that, but not you. what a life you lead.

you’re trying to get out more. do more things. talk to more people and be the social butterfly you’re supposed to be. its working. you’re very busy and you’re often with people now. its hard to be alone when you’re always surrounded by classmates. you see a direct correlation with the amount you feel lonely and when you feel depressed. right now you feel so content. you’re with people. you’re doing things. whenever there's no one around you feel so empty. you feel like there’s too much room to think about self-loathing. so continue to surround yourself.

your love language is definitely gift receiving. you’ve never liked the concept of this love language, but now that you understand yourself more it’s alright. for your birthday you got many gifts that you Love. meaningful gifts with thought out into them. you feel most loved when getting a gift because its a physical manifestation of the thought someone has put in for you. thats so epic! what is the love language that you speak, though? is it quality time? the endless thoughts that you pour out about someone? the people you love the most, you always talk about. you’re always recounting your memories with them. you sigh in your bed when you think about them. but do they know it? maybe its words of affirmation. because how else do you physically manifest your feelings? you’re not good with gifts. maybe you’re bad at expression. you did not mean to write that big of a paragraph.

you’re trying to be more disciplined. in general. socially, physically, academically, spiritually. constant strive for greatness you suppose.

anyway, you’re 22. so many things are happening around you. you see a bright future, one where you’re happy and fulfilled. and rich. potentially. life is good and those around you are even better. what a blessing to have them. it’ll all work out in the end.

sincerely,

past you

song:

who knows - daniel caesar

life adventures log 10

september 6, 2025

hello future you. you feel as lots have changed, yet nothing at all. something worth talking about, you suppose.

the itching insecurity of being unknown is creeping upon you again. how will the world know you if you’re silent? how can your friends know you if you’ve never given them a change to understand? you’re a creative. you’re dreadful. you write. you’re a whore. you’re sweet. you’re apathetic. you’re lazy. you’re not mindful. you’re ambitious. you’re determined. you’re not dedicated. how much of this is known by the world? can your friends, even the closest of them all, really know this? do you even want them to know? or do you just want to be seen. after writing this, you thought to yourself that you want a boyfriend.

there was another log in the drafts. you’ll just copy paste so its easy lol:

june 29, 2025

good evening, you! last night you told your friend about this page. not really the whole thing exactly, but the concept of it.

you honestly don’t know what you were going to write next. its been more than a month OOPS! but you enjoyed talking about the log. you explained that its only for big events or big feelings whenever the mind comes to it. she said she’ll start something of her own. after posting this, you’ll follow up on that.

you love the log, but its probably time to get therapy. you’ve been holding it off for awhile, nervous of what kind of things you’ll hear. nervous for what kind of things will happen. that’s something reoccurring lately. scared of what will happen. okay wait you’re getting off topic (you began to write another paragraph about something else) you wanna be checked for ADHD LMAOOOOO. wow okay. embarrassing! you think you don’t have to explain much anymore. the story unfurls itself. you promise this wasn’t staged.

you’ve experienced strange gender issues the last couple months. you said you were a woman in a past log, which is true. there’s a little more to it and you’ve thought about it. you’ve been working out relatively consistently the past month and building muscle. you were criticized for building too much muscle. can’t look too much like a man, now can we? but how else are you meant to lose weight… there’s no winning. there was one time you were at a store with family and a woman asked your father (no sons? don’t you want someone to carry your family name?). like bitch? it will be you. you will carry your family name. even despite all of the insanity and discomfort it carries, you carry it with honor.

you joked about names with your friends. you said you wouldn’t want to take a “white man’s name” out of fear of becoming plain. hyphenate at the least, let them take your name at the most. they will take yours unless someone has a cooler one. stand firm but keep your options open.

anyways, its always a strange feeling. you cut your hair, and you don’t feel pretty as often. you want to feel pretty, but you like how you look. you look cool. but you enjoyed the versatility of longer hair. stop cutting it so much, silly.

you feel like you’re hated. this turns back to the therapist thing, you suppose. now, more so than ever, you feel like you make wrong choices in your words and that everyone hates you for it. they think you’re strange, outrageous, or stupid. this applies at work, with friends, and with family. you feel like its a byproduct of becoming bolder, of actively becoming less unknown. but now they know you’re a fucking weirdo.

back to what you said in the beginning, you want a boyfriend. on the night of the drafted log, you told your friend that you wanted one. because you wanted your first relationship to be a relatively normal one. one you could share with your parents without worrying. one that you could experience all of the romantic things without further societal pressure. you like girls. its clear. but for now, you’re looking for one thing. your friend said that was really sad that you had to feel that way. scared. you never thought about that. about how scared you felt. its not an overwhelming fear, but you guess that it might be a little more felt if you were infact dating a woman.

you feel undesirable. right now you’re more handsome than pretty, of you’re anything of that sort. whoever dates you in the future will probably have to be some sort of gay to make it make sense, no? and that’s a rare breed. any guys out there want a nonbinary futch? uh hello? is this thing on? 🎤

you’re desperate to be back in school. not only because you want that schmonayyyy but also you’re desperate to be back on the scene. you want to live in the city. you miss living with people who think like you. everything felt comfortable on your own. so much more controlled. you finished your application; a very strong one. we’ll see how it goes.

side point because you’re still thinking about it: your coworker is using chatGPT to write your recommendation letter….. you’re fucking cooked and you’re never getting in………

you still really miss your dog. the last log was a lie. you’ve still cried many tears past the fact. nobody really knows that it still affects you as much as it does other than probably your mom and sister. you want him back. no new dog, just him.

the world is crumbling around you. you don’t like getting political because you’re too blessed by being out of touch. know that being out of touch is a privilege. but even someone as out of touch as you knows everything is shit. censorship, bans, eradication, its fucking shit. you’re scared of the future. your future specifically is probably fine, but there will be small things that snowball into bigger ones. thats the crumbling cookie of politics.

you feel smarter lately. maybe generally more braggy. you like to talk smart and feel smart, and you always have a lot to say, just nowhere to say it. you’ve talked your mom and sister’s ear off lately about anything. loser, lol.

you’re becoming more financially independent. that scares you. you’re paying for things on your own and seeing the money leave in real time. you thought you’d have more help from your parents at this point, but you’re also glad they trust you. you’ve found yourself to be more competent than most you’ve met lately. to combat all that negativity earlier, you are kind, capable, and smart. the better self that you strive for is achievable. do it. #positiveaffirmations

you don’t like spilling out your heart to people. you feel like you’re not verbally capable of expressing everything you feel. you have so much to say but no means to say it. well, there’s the log. but this is for someone to stumble across when you’re 6 feet im the ground. or for someone you Love to read. there will be a time. you’d like the friend you talked to about it to read it. inch resting.

honestly that’s about it. WAIIIITTT OKAY. so basically you’ve confirmed in your heart that you would not want to do a long distance relationship. you said you could in the past, just in your head, but that is not feasible. you didn’t know much about relationships then. you want to see. to touch. to kiss and fuck and all the in between and before and beyond. you’re a little horny lately, might be the PCOS?

oh yeah you have PCOS probably. your doctor suspects it. more doctors appointments and stuff, which you really hate. and it always boils down to your weight. you’re obese. you try to lose it (and honestly you’re doing great as of right now) but its staying. you’re trying to be better. get jacked and skinny. ideal build is twunk or twink. god willing!

okay you’ve decided to cut it off here. if left to your devices, you could write for ages. but you want to cut it off now so you can talk to your friend about it and also generally get things done today, oops. bye bye!

sincerely,

past you

song:

vince van gogh - daniel caesar

some poetry; not a life update because you can’t be bothered and you’re tired. you couldn’t figure out how to work the locking on the notes app so here we are haha

7/15/2025

i am a culmination of my mother

i am a father’s daughter

to be her is to be everything

to be kind, to be wise, to be reasonable

as him, i am strange and angry

to be her is to love and to know it

from him is to question it

my mother is something to strive for

the epitome of a woman and the sun of humans

to be him is my nightmare

to be a burden, to be unliked

but every day has its strains

small and insignificant

yet impactful and telling

and more is learned about myself that i wish to take back

more is unearthed that is best left buried

past the borders of my skin

in between the lines of my cells

written in the code of me

and the man who associated

past the code is my heart, my soul, my mind

her mind

her genius mind

please let it be hers

id rather be hers

or maybe i’d rather be nothing at all

am i a representative of the sun?

how can i shine like a star does?

can anything I possibly do amount to that?

can i even be more than strange

than unliked

than angry

than a burden

the body and soul and heart and mind and code of the two

after them i’m nothing but dust

annoying and useless

and nothing at all

life adventures log 9

april 24, 2025

oh my. its been awhile. a LOT has happened to you since the last log. romance, graduation, friendship, careers, the whole lot. we can touch base on everything!! it’s 4:20AM as you’re writing this; Hell Yeah.

the first thing: graduation. you have a bachelor’s degree! you’re overjoyed at being done with classes, but you miss college life. you miss being a walk away from your friends’ apartment. you miss having your own space and all the time in the world to do nothing. you were yourself, all by yourself. an introverted dream.

writing the last paragraph reminded you of a conversation with your mother just the day before. you discussed the notion of moving back into the house after grad school to save money while paying back your student loans. she noted that moving back in and *staying* was always the plan. you pinned this as a conversation to have later. you’ve never had plans of staying. the goal was always to move out. american style. you don’t want to be here. maybe you’d get home sick and run back to mommy and daddy eventually, but right now you know you want to be anywhere but here. yearning for what you had in your little apartment in college you suppose. you’re scared of having that conversation with your parents. if only they didn’t make the decision for you. (passive aggression).

your sister said you are passive aggressive. this is true. you were never taught how to truly be mean. maybe the passiveness is worse. to silently seethe until someone recognizes your plight and confronts about it. that can’t be healthy. speak up.

okay back to updates: after graduation you began applying for grad schools. a strangely stressful experience. and since you didn’t get into the ones you wanted and don’t have any money, it was all for nothing. you didn’t like making those applications, asking for rec letters, trimming down essays. it was a personal hell. and now to do the same in 6 months! woohoo!

you got a job in february. like a serious job. it is something you’d never thought you’d be good at, but for a rookie? you’re pretty damn good! its taxing. hours you’re still barely used to (normal working hours), sickness to overcome on the job, new work friends, new work information. you’re learning so much and your bank account has never been fuller! but wow you need a break (you probably don’t).

romance. attempts have been fruitless for awhile as per usual. you got on hinge again during your last semester and have talked to several people. there was one guy you’re certain you fumbled. you moved away, which is probably why he distanced himself instead of pursuing more, but you’re a LOSER who LOST THE BAG!!!! he was nice; you think of him sometimes but ultimately don’t care much. you’re talking to someone right now but your physical and timely difference makes it very hard to get closer. he’s nice too, so we’ll see where it goes. you lowkey feel some tension with you and one of your friends. you feel like a rebound. we’ll see where it goes.

friendship! YOU LOVE YOUR FRIENDS!!!! despite being busy with work and the sort, you’ve been finding a lot of time for your friends. hanging out, going on trips, getting closer with the people you want to be close with. it makes you feel so special, that you’re able to be surrounded by your favorite people. you discussed with some friends one time that if you didn’t have the friends that you have, you’d probably go insane. to be with likewise people is your comfort. people who are the same as you and experience your experiences keep you grounded. otherwise, you’d only have yourself to talk to. you already do that enough! your friends love you. never forget that.

its been a hard couple of months. lots of rejection, loss, sickness, etc. you lost your dog. you cried every tear on the day he was put down, but you can’t seem to muster up any anymore. even if you force yourself. but why are you forcing yourself? shouldn’t you mourn him? aren’t you sad? you love him. you think about him constantly. you feel the emptiness without him in the house. what gives? you think you’re overthinking things. its probably fine.

for like a month you were sick with god dam SHINGLES. you thought about the invincibility complex. you thought about your age. you’re 21 as of now, and suddenly you feel so much older. you don’t think the people at work know that you’re so young. its making you feel old. but you kinda like feeling like the secret baby of the workplace. one day they’ll find out and it’ll be funny.

you’re kinda just spewing out nonsense into the log because its before work and actually now you're at work typing this lol. you're feeling the weight of the world around you. even without living alone you have so many responsibilities. who knows what it'll be like when you're on your own.

you were rejected from many grad schools. this is one of many things lately that hasn't gone your way. you aren't as mad about them as you thought you'd be, but you're definitely feeling the strain of rejection as of late. not able to see who you want to see. not able to go where you want to go. work, school, friends, etc. it all can't be done and you're beginning to realize this. the heartbreaking reality of adulthood, you suppose.

you want to get black out drunk soon. not because you're sad but just to experience life. maybe one of your alcoholic friends can help out? one day, haha. but for now, don't forget yourself. don't forget what you love to do but don't be afraid to do it all. the new and the old. life is busy. yet life is so quiet. you're not sure what to think, but you're expecting a lot from the future.

wishing you all the fun and joy,

past you

song:

terrapin - clairo

life adventures log 8.5

august 23, 2024

just a quick one because you were thinking of things.

in the last post, you mentioned not being able to see that far in the future. ultimately, this is true. you don't know how you'll look or be by 30, 25, or 21 for that matter. but recently you saw this post by someone on twitter. basically it was like this:

(16 years old) haha i dont have to think about the future thats so far away im not even gonna be here by 20 (19 years old) (distraught)

it had you thinking. wow. you remember being 15 and saying you were going to die at 25, therefore you were already in your midlife crisis. crazy edgy teenage humor shit lol. but you're currently closer to 25 than you are to 15. you've always said that 25 is the worst age to turn. will you even make it that far? or will you be struck by lightning like you said before?

that being said, now you have a plan. you can't see into the future, but you have a plan. you understand what you need to do to be successful and you're pursuing it. you're happy with this plan. its not the same as before, where you dread the passing of time, seeing that it leads to a certain end of freedom. before, time lead to uncertainty. to discomfort. to a plan that was not your own. but now you are pursuing something you enjoy. something that pushes you to learn and discover. you're doing great!

you aren't suicidal. you love life and love living it. but you wouldn't mind putting a pin in it right now. if things are good now, then who needs to continue on? risking the bad? crazy, selfish thinking. for now, stick to the plan. minimize misery, make life as good as it is right now. you're doing great.

a little longer than you thought it was going to be. no worries.

wishing you luck,

past you

song:

die with a smile - lady gaga, bruno mars

life adventures log 8

july 29th, 2024

hello! your're currently supposed to be studying for finals, but you felt bored. as per usual haha.

last log was crazy.. you could tell that you were feeling a little crazy back then. you have a post note after reading all that business.

you have finally come to the conclusion that you are a ridiculously jealous individual. obviously. as if it hit you like a meteor, the realization crashed into you in the shower one day. usually you wouldn't admit to something like that, but dear god its become painfully apparent. this isn't strictly romantic either. i mean sure, you feel jealous of your friends who are getting with the people that you were interested (you were too shy to pursue them) (oop!). but you're also jealous of your friends having closer friends than you yourself are to them. which is CRAZY and something to work on. you're jealous of those who are stronger than you. emotionally and spiritually, that is. you'd love to be an olympian, but like you've fully accepted being a regular human being with an average body. thats alright. BUT you've always yearned to be like others. its only natural, you suppose. as you write this, perhaps you aren't entirely ridiculous in the jealous department. just a normal amount of jealous. its whatever lol

the summer is coming to a close. you've hung out with the people you wished to! albeit, not as much as you would've liked. but isn't that like any summer? you always have time to reinforce the relationships you adore as time goes on. you're excited for the new semester! you hope to see all the people you miss! you're excited for your new classes and most importantly, you're excited to be FINISHED. the end is near, and you're definitely feeling the strain. undergraduate has been a ride and school is certainly not finished yet, but you're one step closer to being a big girl.

you are a woman. you love being a woman and you're totally comfortable in your own skin. you'd love to be that skin to be a little smaller, but that's as usual. the gender crisis is over. everyone wave a flag of surrender! right before this paragraph you were debating on whether to end it with "big boy" or "big girl." an ultimatum has been reached. dont even know if that word is being used right.

you feel indifferent about the future. you can't really see that far ahead. is that bad? to not be able to answer the question "where do you see yourself in 10 years?" i see myself wherever i am. wherever the world brings me. you wish to see the world. you wish to be with your friends. you wish to have money to do these things. you wish to not be consumed by things you don't want to do. you want to be consumed by love. woah. woooaaahh chill who said that! you've been obsessed with cannibalism as a metaphor for love stuff lately. off topic but like what are these posts other than dump whats on your mind lately. you'd love to be consumed. this is a metaphor please dont eat me

you find yourself to be selfish. this plays into the jealousy stuff from earlier. there was this one exercise that you and your friends did where you look in the mirror and tell it what you like/dislike about yourself. yiiikes. was it apathy that you didn't cry as your friends cried? or was it the fact that you didn't believe what they were saying? that they weren't funny or caring enough? was it idolization? was it not knowing anything about them? why wont they come to you? why can't you be as close to them as you want to be? see. always making it about yourself. youre jealous of those who have it all about them. yikes. slippery slope we just went down. next!

uuuhhmmm you love doing art! back to square one, lol. the art account finally hit 1k followers! lets go!

enough of that you finally thought of something to cook with. you're friends that you've only known for a year or two have expressed that. they dont really know you. which is true. you've never spilled your heart to them or ranted to them about anything serious. which feels weird since you feel as if you've worn your heart on your sleeve. but you suppose its only to certain people. is it that nothing happens to you? you have nothing to speak of? no way. you're growing. things are happening. nobody knows you, just of you. they dont know the real you (wolf emoji) (wilted rose emoji) (chain emoji). theres no need to protect your peace any longer. you're an aforementioned Big Girl. you can handle it, or you can learn to handle it. learn to handle things. you learn by experiencing. get to it, 'kay?

you mentioned to your friends that you're in your "self-preservation era." talkin sunscreen, sunglasses, salads (not implemented yet). has it been working? you dont know. let those on the other side of these posts know when you get to log.. 80 or sumn. all thats left is to get skinny! purr!

wow this is a long one. signing off,

past you

song:

love - keyshia cole

life adventures log 7

april 29, 2024

helloooooo!! its been a hot minute, and a lot of things have piled on your mind once again. as they say in the industry, shits crazy.

to start, classes have finished. you did quite well! it wasn’t hard, seeing you were entirely unemployed and you only had four classes, but you’re proud of yourself nonetheless. all A’s! you go girl!

in two weeks you’ll start your summer classes, all three of them, in person. the thought is daunting, but its nothing you can’t handle.

if anything, you’ve been wanting to feel the pressure for a bit. you feel like life is way too easy and that you need a little bit of adversity to make things better. to make YOU better. right now you feel like some pudgy little marshmallow with too much time on her hands and not enough edges to get by. you need a god dam JOB 😭😭😭 your broke ass can’t take it anymore 😭😭😭😭. you want to get busy. too much time equates to too much thinking. thinking results in a log.

anywho… love life! as previously mentioned, shits crazy. you’ve found yourself in a friend group. a lovely one at that. but you’ve also thrown yourself into a love triangle, that of which you are sure has been decided. you liked this person. decidedly. OKAY assigning names because im going to explain all the business. the crush: person A. the friend: person B. okay. so you liked person A for a while. silent adoration of course, but it had been quite some time. (quick interjection: you aren’t quite sure to discern your feelings as romantic or platonic, but certain developments to be discussed makes you feel it leans a certian way.) you found out through Quick Discernment that your friend, person B, had also grown a crush. fuck shit fuck. and they are soooo much more open with their feelings and you have zeeeerrroooo chance against them fuck shit FUCK!!! so time passes and you see that person B is becoming increasingly bold. increasingly touchy. whatever, that’s just how they are, and you are not them FINE. but then one day, with your group (minus person A) you have the Smart idea to reveal that you’ve considered yourself to be aroace. like why would you say that. and you got some serious yappers in this group what if person A tells the rest of them that they’re showing interest in you but then they refute, saying “oh no, they’re aroace! they probably don’t like you like that.” fuck shit FUCK. and then later on you see them and theyre holding hands and walking together ugh ugh UGH. so yeah you might be jealous. you might want to be person B holding person A’s hand instead. but you value their friendship and everyone’s friendship and if you do anything about it, it’ll probably fuck everything up and you’ve been waiting SO LONG for a group like this and you’re leaving NEXT SEMESTER. and it hurts. everything hurts and you just want things to roll over in your head because it really is all in your head and you really need to get over it. fuck shit fuck. also there’s another person but they have a partner so LMAO! that’s a mini crush tho. actually all of them are. none of it matters and you don’t think you can handle any romance right now. maybe. or maybe you want to get involved. get busy.

speaking of unready for romance, you downloaded a dating app the other day. it was strange. it felt weird to approach people, real-life, breathing, and thinking people, with an initial romantic intent. does that make sense? until then, you’ve never initiated a conversation with someone because they caught your eye and you wanted something to come out of it in a Romance way. it was intimidating. overwhelming. you deleted the app after two days. you told your friends that you deleted it because Older Men would interact with your page. but in reality you were just overwhelmed with the prospect of flirting and catching someone’s romantic interest. its weird. maybe you are aroace after all.

you feel like you have a lot more to say, but your head is beginning to spin just thinking about it all. just add more to it as you go, love. something home related. don’t forget.

talk to you soon,

past you

songs:

someone new - hozier

life adventures log 6

january 7, 2024

you could’ve sworn you made one of these a few months ago. not the prior one but a secret, lost log, erased from the naked eye and hidden between the pixels and code of the tumblr universe. its gone. or you’re crazy. you don’t even remember what was in the post lol, but you know for sure that you were up at 3AM cooking up something great.

its the new year! lots of things have happened since the last log. firstly, school was a delight. it was so refreshing to be in classes you actually had interest in. hopefully you’ll bring the same energy to the next semester. you’re finding more friends in the major and growing more in what you want to do. more on your future job later.

you feel as if your circle of friends has grown smaller and larger all the same. its like you’ve made more friends, but the number of close, talk-and-text-a-lot-to group feels like its getting smaller. maybe. or maybe you feel like there are more people that you’re friends with that you wish to talk and text a lot to now. options are growing!

the winter break has most definitely been an eventful one. you’ve had family over for the entirety of it, making it your main priority, without much time for anyone or anything else. although you’ve enjoyed your time back at home, you will not be mad that you’re headed back to school. your introverted bones ache for solitude, although you’re sure you won’t feel this way for long. give it like two weeks lol.

you gained a lot of weight over the break…. like damn girl!!!! you’ve set a goal for yourself. its a far off and a long term goal, but you hope one day you can do a pull up! this is a secondary goal, second to the one of losing however many pounds. fifty for sure. this year is to get to the 100s. embarrassing! the gym at your apartment complex is closed for renovations, but there are plenty of options. this year is for growth and discovery.

speaking of this year, you are turning TWENTY. in the past you’ve been wary of the number. however, now you’ve found a newfound spark and hope. this year is going to be great. this year you’ll pursue (hopefully) all the things that you’ve wanted to. you’re hoping to start the webcomic! you’re gonna get a job finally and get money (currently dead ass broke). you’re gonna love your school and love your friends and maybe even love someone? crazy! the future is bright! your twenties have never looked better! you’re gonna be rich and successful just like you always wanted. here’s to the next decade, darling!

back to your future job: the future is definitely moving closer to you very quickly. there’s plenty that you are excited for in this upcoming decade, but the whole career scene is filled with doubts and uncertainties. you still aren’t 100% sure that speech therapy is what you want to do, but at least the percentage is larger than it was with nursing. during your classes last semester you started formulating a plan. well, not a plan per se, but a more solid idea of what you want to be. in this field, the dream is to work with trans patients. my niece is to help them in their transition, mainly with voice and the surgery for their optimal voice. like isn’t that so cool. amazing even. working with kids was the initial plan, but this feels so much cooler. you’re currently not sure how to get there, but this year you’ll start finding ways how!

back to the whole losing weight thing: you’ve challenged mom and your sister to losing one pound every two weeks. you recently (re)watched that one CGPgrey video about maximizing misery and in the video he mentions that making shorter, more easily obtainable goals is better for encouragement and feeling like you’re achieving more rather than a long term goal. something like that. keep up with this, okay?

closing thoughts: you got this babes. live your best life. there is a good life ahead of you and you know it. keep up the good work!

songs:

tulips - stranger club

paler, still paler - bo en

with high hopes and regards,

past you

life adventures log 5

june 27, 2023

haiii!!!!! :3

you are currently in a silly and goofy mood because you just woke up from a nap and now you’re super hyper. you were messing around in the bathroom and had the sudden urge to write. its been a bit!

its been 2 months of summer so far. you’ve been keeping busy by doing commissions, playing video games, hanging out with friends, and surprisingly, working! its been a very busy summer, but it somehow feels more fun than the previous. yesterday you began your summer class, so hopefully the fun wont be drowned out by work.

you absolutely adore your friends. truly the dearest things to you right now. you never fail to have a great laugh with them whenever they’re around! please continue to always be there for them and let them know that you can talk to them about anything at all :)

in about a month, your friend’s debut is going to be held. you are beyond excited. you’re dancing in beautiful gowns and suits with all of your closest friends and the practices are giving you plenty of time together. you worry for her. she’s so sweet, the world might eat her up. you pray for her.

you miss college. although you will be away from your friends here at home, you cant help but miss how life was as an independent (kinda). next semester you will aim to not be at home as often, as to live a more independent life (mom thinks its because you will be busier). you want to see if you can really do it (you want to show how capable you are!!).

you can really tell that you and everyone around you is getting older. your parents are aging, your grandparents are getting frailer, your friends are being as independent as you are. its a bit jarring. but its exciting none the less. the future seems bright!

you feel very naive. beginning work makes you feel not as capable as other people. its very jarring to be a newbie at something again, and working at an ice cream shop is making that feeling very apparent. its like, you know you can do something, but you still haven’t gotten to the point where you’ve gained enough experience to meet not only everyone’s expectations, but your own. your coworker said the training was garbage anyways so maybe you aren’t as incapable as you think lol.

you hate feeling incapable. a friend went into heat stroke and it just tore at your heart to not know what to do. the ice cream job makes you feel like an idiot all the time. being at home with your grandmother makes you practically go insane because she still treats you like you’re 5. you are naive! guys, let her live in her delusion in peace!

you like doing things at your own pace. if only life went as slow as you liked going then things would be alright. thats clearly not how it works haha

its june. for a couple of months you’ve been considering things. putting your life into perspective, some may say. like, no cis girl would ever say “god intended me to be a boy before he put me on this earth.” like wow you never really thought it about that way until a little recently, but its been this way for awhile hasn’t it. genderfluid? perhaps? and you dont think you’re bi, not like how you’ve said in the past. every time you think back to that one time you told your roommates that you were questioning about being bi you cringe. thats like. no. it was a little embarrassing and pretty wrong. maybe. idk man. about a year ago you watched the jaiden animaitons aroace video and that definitely resonated with you then, but then suddenly men became so hot..? hormones? insanity? both? maybe you’ll understand when you’re older.

you’ve said to a friend “i think i like men in a... gay way?” they didn’t understand, and honestly, neither do you LMAO. there’s definitely something fruity about you, thats for sure.

you hope you can become someone to love. someone better than the present you. you dont mind being by yourself, and you feel content with the people in your life as of now, but you wouldn’t mind having someone to hold, yknow? anyone? or maybe i should make moves? you feel like you would be such a good partner. thats probably a lie.

you are a feminist. there have been little things happening around you that just set you the wrong way lately. you remember that women have a place in the world and its never been completely fair. its something you just kinda.. deal with? but you know for sure that there are plenty of men that you sit high above on your beautiful and sexy throne. go babes go.

you’ve been feeling better about your body. its getting smaller. you cant help but think if its just terrible beauty standards or your own personal goal. its both probably. keep it up to at the very least be healthy! take care of yourself please!

as of now, life is good. if only it went a little slower.

songs:

cyanide - daniel caesar

smithereens - twenty one pilots

with all the love and appreciation,

past you

p.s. you want these to be seen when you die. a little bit of a tonal change but like, yeah. you want people to know who you are. you want to be seen. you’ll probably write down the log in info in your phone or something. idk!

life adventures log 4

april 12, 2023

you were reading through the previous log and like. wow. that was honestly beautiful why did you go off like that. a couple months ago you got “poet” on a soldier, poet, king personality quiz that was going around online and damn that last post was really a pinnacle of the depressed and tortured artist you could really be LMAO.

its the last couple weeks of your first year of college! finals are still yet to pass, but you have high (maybe a little too high) hopes for acceptable grades. summer couldn’t come sooner.

you move out of the dorm very soon. every time you wait by the microwave you find yourself looking at the activity list that you and your roommates made at the beginning of the year. it felt like yesterday that you were saying you had plenty of time to do as many things as possible, but now nobody is even on good enough terms to get lunch together. yikers! you were never close enough to anyone to truly be bothered bu their drama, so its not too big of a deal, but its still sad to see them go. you’ll miss this room alot! although it was only by chance you made it to this room, it really was a little paradise of its own.

OHHHH OHHH HUGE NEWSSSS you changed your major!!! thank GODDDD because you really didnt want to be a nurse. as days passed by your distain for your studies’ path and the divide between you and your nursing peers became apparent. your parents will probably never understand but it was never for you. now you will be working in speech therapy, hopefully teaching children to not make the mistakes that you make lol. you do not want to work in geriatric. you will die.

on a darker note, a few months ago you found yourself feeling lonlier than ever. you spilled your heart out to your dad and he assured you that god will send you someone blah blah blah (ok religion will be for the next paragraph ill touch on that too). since then, you’ve felt alot better and you’ve been less lonely, but it was worth mentioning. maybe it was a seasonal depression. you really need to get a therapist.

religion……. lately you have been feeling a divide between you and christianity. it was a couple weeks ago, when you were looking for an apartment for tge next year. being put on the waitlist, dad told you to really pray that you get in, and that He will provide you a spot on campus. at this point in your life, you cant just sit around and wait for god’s answer. things are happening very quickly and miracles are too unstable to rely on. you need proactivity. you feel like you still believe in jesus. He is real and He does care, but you still are your own person and you still need to be smart about your own decisions. sure you can ask a friend for advice, but at the end of the day, your decisions and actions are your own.

you find yourself wanting love more than ever before. maybe because you’ve been watching a lot of romance shows lately? well whilst typing that out you realize for a long time you’ve been watching romance, but this is the first time you’ve really felt this way. you aren’t sure what changed. what happened to aroace man. this doesn’t contribute to the lonlieness tho lmao. you don’t really care for a partner as of late, but you do think it’d be nice to have one. maybe its the college air. gross.

in summation, you aren’t feeling as emotional, but you’ve definitely been having a lot more thoughts of your own. deeply personal, self-reflecting thoughts that feel like they go even deeper than that self concept stuff from the last post. no tears left to cry for now. its only time to move forward.

edit: you were reading LA log 2 and apparently these were way more about life updates more than FEELINGS UPDATES 🙄🙄. ok backtracking. cute updates time.

tomorrow you are getting tickets for universal for free (HOPEFULLY)!!! you are gonna go with your friends from glee club (btw you are in glee club) and have a great time. you hope that going with glee and going with your roommate wont conflict and that you’ll have a great time with everyone.

you feel closest to your best friends right now. they are your favorite people and you love talking with them and sharing interests. hopefully she can come you your school so you can become even closer. it sucks having to drive two hours every weekend just to see all of them.

you like your art alot! you’ve been spending more time improving your style and like, wow things are looking great. maybe you’ll take up an art minor?

ok thats pretty much it lolz. ttyl byeeee

songs:

sober to death - car seat headrest

get into it (yuh) - doja cat

xoxo lots of love,

past you

p.s. either i gotta start making these quicker or life is getting harder 🤯 these are getting way too long. but they only are made when you remember tumblr exists!!!! keep the novelty

life adventures log 3

january 23, 2023

happy new year! the first semester of college has concluded and it went considerably well. of course there is always room for improvement, but things ended in a way you can be satisfied

you are writing a log because you’ve been alone with your thoughts for far too long. last night you had a conversation with one of your roommates about overthinking but like. you cant help it man. its so hard to not overthink when you’re listening to mitski (that silly silly girl).

in one of your classes, social psychology, you were discussing self-concept with the class. how would you describe yourself? currently, you are a very quiet and introverted creature that is pretty detached and nerdy. you have your interests that feel painful to reveal to others and you hope to get over this. outwardly, you are kind to those around you, but in reality you are extremely selfish and self-centered. self-preservation is very important to you. you care deeply for those closest to you, but that is the extent of the care for others. you have a forbidden-type love for the arts and are currently a student in moratorium. this moratorium deeply burdens your heart, and thinking about it when you are alone burns your eyes. you long for relevancy, whether its online or in reality. you yearn for friends to check up on you and involve you things, but you know that you are the only one who can put yourself in these situations. you are introverted, but long for interaction and friendship with so many. you are afraid that who you have now is all you’ll ever have.

currently, you are wondering how people perceive you. do you even do enough for people to even have an opinion about you? or are you just a shell of a person that people interact with from time to time?

how do you wish to be seen? or do you just wish to be seen?

you turn 19 in a few days. teenage years are becoming more relevant yet are becoming increasingly fleeting. you dont wish you did more, but you hope for more to come. i hope you throw yourself into more situations. be bolder. be more.

ill start doing this thing too:

know love - rex orange county

sincerely and wholly,

past you

life adventures log 2.5

december 7, 2022 (2:23 AM)

.5 because i just want to talk about a single thing!

i really know nothing about the world. im just a 5’10 baby who can barely function outside of going to school. i know so many things yet i know nothing at all. and sure its good to remain innocent, but sometimes (all the time) i wish i wouldn’t be so.. clueless about everything. i hope to learn more to be better equipped to help people. currently you hate feeling helpless.

sincerely,

past you

not really a log, but its so interesting to see the evolution of the way i talk. the way i verbally speak is quite reflective in the way i write, so reading the older posts makes me really think about how much ive changed the past couple years. kinda like how every time i take an mbti test, my personality changes ever so slightly. ive learned alot about the world since the first log, and my ideals have most definitely changed. maybe in the next 5 years ill be completely new again

life adventures log 2

october 24, 2022

i was just reading over the past posts and it just occurred to me that i’ve been writing these over the past 4 (almost 5) years. so cute!

college is going GREAT and living alone in a dorm is better than you could ever imagine. the first week of school you were miserable with covid, but like living by yourself made up for the fact that you were dying lol. i love being by myself and walking around as my own person. its so fun!

classes are going well too! only one B so far, and its in a class where the teacher barely teaches, so you’re doing great.

you haven’t made too many friends here in college yet. just a good handful of people that you talk to occasionally. they’re nice, but they have their own friends that they seem to be much closer with. your roommates are very sweet, but one tends to step over some boundaries some times (shes a whore). girly is wayyyyy too comfortable with bringing guys over and talking to men over 25. but when it just comes to talking and hanging out with them, shes lovely.

there isn’t much time to do other things. art has been pushed to the back burner and studying has taken a full time position. you ARE at college, living and learning here, so it makes sense. but i hope the future still gives time to do things you love. if you’re this busy now, i cant imagine how it’ll be when you start working.

speaking of working! you applied for a job that pays REALLY well and you got the interview! its coming up next week, so i guess the next post will have work life included as well? maybe?

whenever you go home you feel like a burden to your family. they love you and you know that, but you cant help but feel that each week you go back and you ruin things for them. its mentally easier just to stay on campus.

you have been losing weight again. striving to get back to where we were, but the process is slow (but steady). progress will show very soon.

you are a fashion god now (kinda). every outfit you wear to class literally slays. ur an icon i love u

i cant wait for halloween! im going to be a ghost and its gonna be awesome :D

xoxo,

past you

life adventures log 1

august 16, 2022

u graduated!!! yay!!!!! thats it thats the post

i mentioned in the last post that i’d have to change the title from “HS ADVENTURES.” life adventures is much more classy and very creative clearly.

this summer has been the most eventful of your life. so much time with friends and family! honestly it was super fun and a big change from the usual shut in summers you were used to.

you have decided to become a nurse. obviously you want to do other things; not even just art anymore?? like teaching (children) or marketing maybe. but nursing is the get rich quick plan! hopefully by the next log you have more things figured out.

by this saturday you will have begun the Awesome Move to college. the past couple weeks you’ve been collecting things around the house that you want to bring. a huge pile has accumulated upstairs. your roomates seem nice and you’re moving in with a friend! its all so exciting and every minute at home drags on.

old people are just so .. old. i understand that you have to be patient with them but being in a house full of them is becoming increasingly tiring. cant wait to move!

for the first time in years, you are excited for school. not much is looking up except for that. if it doesn’t go the way you want then there’s not much going for you after that. maybe by the next log you’ll have a partner or smthin

you’ve put on weight again. hopefully school can make me busy enough to not have time to eat. mental health at an atl!!! 😜

being an adult is hard, and i haven’t even done much of it yet. hopefully by the next log you’ll be doing better :)

currently you love your friends, your sister, your parents, and your school. add more to the list next time!

cheers,

past you

p.s. i do wish i was 17 again (like the movie)

HS ADVENTURES ~ LOG 10

edited this and realized ur gonna have to stop calling it hs adventures soon 😳😳😳😳

september 8th, 2021

hey loserrrrrr ur a senior now 🤯

even as an old hag you still make these tumblr posts yuhmao. today u watched eighth grade (directed by big man burnham himself) and u didnt cry but u did feel the incentive to write here again pffftttt

right now you dont have many friends. your favorite people are still your friends but like you only get to talk to them on sundays and like you should probably get better at talking to them in dms or get better at planning times to hang out. i hope by the time you remember this blog again you’ve become a little nicer,,,

high school is a pain in the a word!!!!! and college thoughts are literally no better. last post u said you wanted to be a dentist but that was literally stupid. you’re going on the nursing route baby. i hope by the time you’re reading this blog again you’re going on what seems to be the right track. dont be poor!!! <3

im scared for what the future brings. i really wanna be a youtuber or at least a creator of some sort, but nothing is really happening. its probably because im really irresponsible and bad with time management. i’m banking on future me to be better but like i have to start now or whatever.

ANYWAYS wish me luck boo. hope to become you someday <3333

unless ur even worse of a person than i am now LMAOOOOO if so then screw you <b word!!> wish i was 17 again.

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