+Bonus

if i look back, i am lost

Kiana Khansmith
Aqua Utopia|海の底で記憶を紡ぐ

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Keni
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@sophdlpaz
+Bonus
“Do you think I can have one more kiss? I’ll find closure on your lips, and then I’ll go. Maybe also one more breakfast, one more lunch, and one more dinner. I’ll be full and happy and we can part. But in between meals, maybe we can lie in bed one more time. One more prolonged moment where time suspends indefinitely as I rest my head on your chest. My hope is if we add up the "one mores”, they will equal a lifetime, and I’ll never have to get to the part where I let you go. But that’s not real, is it? There are no more “one mores”. I met you when everything was new and exciting, and the possibilities of the world seemed endless. And they still are. For you, for me. But not for us. Somewhere between then and now, here and there, I guess we didn’t just grow apart, we grew up. When something breaks, if the pieces are large enough, you can fix it. Unfortunately, sometimes things don’t break, they shatter. But when you let the light in, shattered glass will glitter. And in those moments, when the pieces of what we were catch the sun, I’ll remember just how beautiful it was. Just how beautiful it’ll always be. Because it was us. And we were magic. Forever.“
- Jenny Young (Gina Rodríguez), Someone Great
“You work so hard, just to end up at home crying yourself to sleep; remember you’re trying, you are moving mountains that have plagued you since you were young, and you’re trying so hard. Keep fighting, fight until you have won. Fight until you have found your way home, until the sun comes back and your heart learns to love the mornings again." —@TBLaBerge, Go Now artwork by @tishkbarzanji https://www.instagram.com/p/BwPQK1XgK1G/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1rzrcr58267q3
Why can I relate to this so much?
“There was an episode, one of my favorite moments in Star Trek, when Captain Kirk looks over the cosmos and says, ‘Somewhere out there someone is saying the three most beautiful words in any language.’ Of course your heart sinks and you think it’s going to be, ‘I love you’ or whatever. He says, ‘Please help me.’ What a philosophically fantastic idea, that vulnerability and need is a beautiful thing.” —Hugh Laurie #ThingsThatMakeYouGoHmm artwork by @seanjmundy https://www.instagram.com/p/BuhUAIsAof_/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1n4i4x2g6yfcu
Video from one of my work colleagues
Here’s our attempt to do a sexy hip-hop dance during Ms. Leah’s bridal shower.
“It’s so healing to wake up in a silent house and silently make your own coffee or tea and enjoy the beautifully intricate fullness of the morning silence while remaining calm and collected and unbothered by all outer and inner noise and it’s so low-key elevating and pacifying to rejoice in the silent atmosphere of your own house and just silently block the rest of the world…it’s a slice of heaven.” —violentwavesofemotion.tumblr.com artwork by Vittorio Giardino https://www.instagram.com/p/BtYgrshA2oL/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=myepkl3pzyg9
Someday, one day
2018 Major Plot Twist
So I tweeted this:
Then Quarter 4 came and I was shaken to the core.
Just when I thought the year was going my way, God put me to a test. I thought the only challenge that I will be facing in the last quarter was work-related, but the personal aspect of my life was the one that was greatly affected. And I must say that THAT is the major plot twist of my year. I had my tank full (or so I thought) but I ended up almost being emptied. Two of my friends died, my boyfriend and I broke up, my mom was confined in the hospital, a polyp was found in my uterus (which is yet to be confirmed). They just happened and caught me off guard, as if kicking me in the shin and the gut and punching me in the throat and face. I was almost in the state of depression; I had no one to talk to because the two people that I get to be vulnerable with, were already gone in my life. I was dragging myself to live a life because I had to, despite the strong urge to take loads of sleeping pills and just curl up in bed so I wouldn’t have to lose all my energy in crying. But I know I didn’t want to stay that way; it was just a difficult phase but I know I had to go through it. If I had a weak heart and personality, I might have just ended my life. But I am no quitter, I just let myself feel these feelings but I know I had to get up and regain my endurance and my confidence in myself. I can’t say that I’m completely okay already but I’ll get there. Just give me time.
My 2018 key take-away’s:
1. I saw this in Instagram and just had to copy: People come and go. That’s why it’s important to deeply attach yourself to someone who sticks forever (that’s Jesus!)
There was this moment when I told Mares that I feel like “ang steady lang ng buhay ko ngayon”. At that time, nothing was going wrong, my relationships were stable, I was fine at work but I felt that there’s a void that needs to be filled. When everything was going great in my life, I became so detached from God. I still prayed from time to time but I was too busy having fun. And when important people suddenly left me, I literally felt lonely then I felt the need to go back to Him. It was the most comforting feeling.
2. I don’t have control over a lot of things.
People’s fate and reactions included. For a period of time, even though I was already feeling emotionally weak, I still wanted to fight for my relationship with my boyfriend so bad. I felt like I can still do something and I wanted to do it so I can salvage our relationship. But I knew it wasn’t enough. It was clear that he didn’t want to continue with our relationship anymore. That became my cue to just stop the madness and let go.
I had a hard time coping with Mares’ death. (Feeling kamag-anak?) I built a very strong connection with her that it felt really lonely when she was gone. I still keep on messaging her in our Messenger thread whenever I feel like it but I know I wouldn’t be getting any response anymore. Whenever I’m crying, I keep on asking her to comfort me and be around because I still need her. But she’s gone. Forever. And I just have to accept that truth.
No matter how I wanna keep these people in my life, I know I can’t. The space in my heart that they left will continue to be empty and I just have to live with that.
3. I am complete and enough.
I always had this feeling that because of my past and my imperfections, I deserved less. As years passed by and as experiences come my way, I have come to learn to love myself even more. I am not the A-type of girl. I am not physically attractive. I am not 100% physically well. But I have come to love my body, with my acne, scars, stretch marks, cellulites, frizzy hair, my defective left ovary (due to polyps) and all. I’m not saying that I am not doing anything to address them. I am actually praying for more resources so I can continuously undergo treatments for these concerns. But they do not define me. Just because I am flawed doesn’t mean I cannot live my life the way I want it to be. If people judge me for how they see me, I’ll leave them being stressed with their disgust as I continue to not give a fuck.
4. Abundance mindset is the key.
It doesn’t hurt to aspire for more because WHY THE HELL NOT. As Sara Bareilles said in one of her songs, “A dream needs believing, to taste like the real thing.”
But of course, you must also do your best to let these dreams materialize.
I have a lot of plans for this coming year (trips - of course, work-related, businesses, health-related) and I am so pumped up and eager to make everything happen. I will continue to be grateful and continue to work hard because I know I fucking deserve them.
This year didn’t go as I expected it to be. But it certainly made me into a more resilient person. 2018, you were bittersweet but still awesome nonetheless. 2019, I am ready for you.
Peace out.
It’s like our time together is just ours. It’s our own creation. It must be like I’m in your dream, and you in mine, or something.
Before Sunrise (1995) dir. Richard Linklater
Just because.
Hey you, I went to San Juan for a few days. I was in Sebay, eating my lunch at the spot where we had our dinner then, watching these waves. I kept saying to myself, “I wish you were able to see these.”
I may have opted for other destinations for my last quick breather this year but I chose to be there. You may be asking why. As the title of a song goes, “You can’t put your arms around a memory”. It was some sort of my way to say goodbye. To the moments we had there. And here in MNL. And in Coron. And in Bali. To the days we spent together. To our disagreements. To our silent treatments. To our pig-out’s. To the random photos and videos we sent to each other. To our funny conversations. To our deep conversations. To your distinct snores. To our secrets. To that comfortable feeling that I felt every time I get to talk to you as if I’ve already known you for a lifetime. To my vulnerable moments with you. To that smile you had on your face when you got to eat TJ hotdog and chicken isaw for the first time after a long time, and when we got into a legit perya in Coron. To that happiness you experienced when we had an entire resort in Palawan all to ourselves. To our plans that will never be accomplished anymore. To your hugs. And kisses. And “I love you’s”. To you. To us.
Believe me, it wasn’t easy being there. There wasn’t a day that I wasn’t crying. I looked stupid going inside 7-Eleven to buy a bottle of mineral water with tears in my eyes. I was crying while eating my burger in Mad Monkeys. I was crying while chugging my beer in front of this beach view in Sebay. I found myself shaking my head when I passed by that laundromat where we did our laundry twice. Crying was my way to put myself to sleep every night that I was there, because I couldn’t take my mind off of the memories we made there. It wasn’t fucking easy. But I knew I had to do it. I had to be there. I had to go through that “torture”. To be numb. To not feel feelings anymore when I think of you.
I may appear fucking stupid for doing this melancholic shit of a blog post. You may already have moved on completely. Or may be spending the holidays with someone new, while I’m here still crying my heart out. Well, this is me. This is how I cope. I revisit every memory that I can recall and cry over them until I have no more tears left. By that time, I can probably say that I am already okay.
I still love you. I only had a simple dream, that is for us to be together in one place. So I can support you. And serve you. And physically show my love for you every single fucking day. But I have to let that go. Even though I can easily let go of what I have and what I am here in the Philippines, and do what I want for us because I can, I chose not to. It’s because I still love you; I’m letting you go because that’s what you asked of me. At the end of it all, I’m still giving you what you want.
I wish you well.
To new beginnings.
Rare [complete] family photo
Not the most decent, but this will do.
Heard this again in the waxing salon. What are the odds.
Exactly four months ago.
Not really sure why I’m posting this. I just find it somewhat comforting.
Why is their music so good?