Then Quarter 4 came and I was shaken to the core.
Just when I thought the year was going my way, God put me to a test. I thought the only challenge that I will be facing in the last quarter was work-related, but the personal aspect of my life was the one that was greatly affected. And I must say that THAT is the major plot twist of my year. I had my tank full (or so I thought) but I ended up almost being emptied. Two of my friends died, my boyfriend and I broke up, my mom was confined in the hospital, a polyp was found in my uterus (which is yet to be confirmed). They just happened and caught me off guard, as if kicking me in the shin and the gut and punching me in the throat and face. I was almost in the state of depression; I had no one to talk to because the two people that I get to be vulnerable with, were already gone in my life. I was dragging myself to live a life because I had to, despite the strong urge to take loads of sleeping pills and just curl up in bed so I wouldn’t have to lose all my energy in crying. But I know I didn’t want to stay that way; it was just a difficult phase but I know I had to go through it. If I had a weak heart and personality, I might have just ended my life. But I am no quitter, I just let myself feel these feelings but I know I had to get up and regain my endurance and my confidence in myself. I can’t say that I’m completely okay already but I’ll get there. Just give me time.
1. I saw this in Instagram and just had to copy: People come and go. That’s why it’s important to deeply attach yourself to someone who sticks forever (that’s Jesus!)
There was this moment when I told Mares that I feel like “ang steady lang ng buhay ko ngayon”. At that time, nothing was going wrong, my relationships were stable, I was fine at work but I felt that there’s a void that needs to be filled. When everything was going great in my life, I became so detached from God. I still prayed from time to time but I was too busy having fun. And when important people suddenly left me, I literally felt lonely then I felt the need to go back to Him. It was the most comforting feeling.
2. I don’t have control over a lot of things.
People’s fate and reactions included. For a period of time, even though I was already feeling emotionally weak, I still wanted to fight for my relationship with my boyfriend so bad. I felt like I can still do something and I wanted to do it so I can salvage our relationship. But I knew it wasn’t enough. It was clear that he didn’t want to continue with our relationship anymore. That became my cue to just stop the madness and let go.
I had a hard time coping with Mares’ death. (Feeling kamag-anak?) I built a very strong connection with her that it felt really lonely when she was gone. I still keep on messaging her in our Messenger thread whenever I feel like it but I know I wouldn’t be getting any response anymore. Whenever I’m crying, I keep on asking her to comfort me and be around because I still need her. But she’s gone. Forever. And I just have to accept that truth.
No matter how I wanna keep these people in my life, I know I can’t. The space in my heart that they left will continue to be empty and I just have to live with that.
3. I am complete and enough.
I always had this feeling that because of my past and my imperfections, I deserved less. As years passed by and as experiences come my way, I have come to learn to love myself even more. I am not the A-type of girl. I am not physically attractive. I am not 100% physically well. But I have come to love my body, with my acne, scars, stretch marks, cellulites, frizzy hair, my defective left ovary (due to polyps) and all. I’m not saying that I am not doing anything to address them. I am actually praying for more resources so I can continuously undergo treatments for these concerns. But they do not define me. Just because I am flawed doesn’t mean I cannot live my life the way I want it to be. If people judge me for how they see me, I’ll leave them being stressed with their disgust as I continue to not give a fuck.
4. Abundance mindset is the key.
It doesn’t hurt to aspire for more because WHY THE HELL NOT. As Sara Bareilles said in one of her songs, “A dream needs believing, to taste like the real thing.”
But of course, you must also do your best to let these dreams materialize.
I have a lot of plans for this coming year (trips - of course, work-related, businesses, health-related) and I am so pumped up and eager to make everything happen. I will continue to be grateful and continue to work hard because I know I fucking deserve them.
This year didn’t go as I expected it to be. But it certainly made me into a more resilient person. 2018, you were bittersweet but still awesome nonetheless. 2019, I am ready for you.
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