So I meant to post a video last week, but decided against it because I felt as though it made me seem like an unhappy unappreciative person when I personally feel like that isn’t the case, but at the same time I question it. Sometimes I feel like the kind of rich person who gets everything and still isn’t happy (except obviously I’m not rich and I’m happy with even a McChicken from Mcdonalds) but me myself..... it seems like whenever I do find happiness or I find out something new about myself, I somehow find myself in a dark space in my mind. I’m a firm believer that through darkness you can see light, because life has it’s ups and downs, what I don’t understand is that whenever I am in this funk (which is often) why is it so hard to appreciate the people in my life, appreciate my talents, and find a way to..... I guess be accepting and challenging myself. And as much I would loooooove to blame my mom and how I grew up, that doesn’t change the fact that I’M the one that brings ME down.
Yes, I live in an apartment with someone who doesn’t seem to like me, and doubted me basically all of my life, but that doesn’t mean I have to be a victim. I wish I was strong enough to do for myself. I wish I found a way to like..... be fine....... I find myself comparing me to my friends and sister, wishing I found myself like they did, but in reality we’re all lost regardless of ( as I believe) them finding their purpose in the world. I’ve had this kind of talk with them and it’s amusing because they see potential in me and even my friend Damani says he wishes he can be like me...ME, the one who kinda...... Okay for example my twin sister has my beautiful nephew who is in love with her! She’s a great mom, she does art, and she hoops and writes. No she doesn’t work (like me) but I always think she has a lot going for her because she’s so intelligent and strong minded. Sometimes she doesn’t think so, but I’ve always felt my sister was a strong beautiful woman. And my friends are artists as well,one is married and draws his own comics while the other has the potential of creating his own t-shirt line. AND they both work so investing will be easier....and to some (including themselves) having a job doesn’t mean that they found happiness, it’s definitely better than not being able to pay for a metro card to get around the city and network or something. I mean even I KNOW that having a job doesn’t bring happiness, not even making fast money does...... Idk why it bothers me.
I’m looking into volunteering for a homeless shelter for women since I have so much free time to finally do it. Yet I still haven’t taken the necessary steps because I’m scared I don’t qualify. It seems like now or days you absolutely need a cell phone or some type of number and wi-fi to keep connected and I have neither. Even now as I’m typing this I’m in a library holding my tears because I definitely don’t want the librarian stopping by my table to ask if I’m okay, because I kinda am but then I’m not. As depressed as I am right now, in my mind this is another obstacle that I have to face. I faced so many obstacles in my life that I’m sorta tired. But I notice my childhood me keeps me going. Let me explain, I’m a big kid. Bam. There we go. Just kidding I’ll get further into detail. Please don’t think I’m crazy because I’m not..... though I probably am to some others but anyways. I noticed that because I didn’t have the best childhood I sometimes live it out now. Like watching cartoons, getting excited over small simple things that only kids or toddlers like my nephew get excited about. It doesn’t bother me at all, it doesn’t bother others either..... well sometimes. I’ll explain that later because I feel like I’m writing a little bit too much right now and want to give more about myself as days goes by. As fucked up as I can be( to society because I enjoy smoking weed, I take drugs sometimes like acid or shrooms( which I miss) I go out with my friends maybe 3 times a month) a lot of people I’ve bumped into who gets to know me at first say I have a certain kind of “innocence” which I used to be confused about but I think it’s because they notice the child like spirit in me......
That was a really long paragraph my apologies. Anyways..... my sadness, I would like to get out of this funk. I need to stop stopping myself and getting in my own way. I hope that I’ll step out of this “comfort zone” because to me it’s not comfortable at all and it’s not all I know. I will go to a shelter tomorrow morning and see how it goes. Even if I get rejected I’ll have to keep trying. I’ve always wanted to help others especially women because.... a lot of us just need to love ourselves more.... and if we can help guide each other and give advice.... so many of us will be happier. This goes for transgenders, men, and they/them too. I’m just saying women because, I’ve bumped into so many like me throughout my life and I just want to help. With me lending a hand and meeting so many others, I’m hoping it’ll help me realize that yeah life can suck, but only if you allow it too, and you’re never alone.
If you’re someone who has depression and is probably at your lowest point please feel free to contact me or anyone else who just wants to be supportive.