SKIN TO SKIN / WITH YOU AT DAWN

“i’ve never fooled anyone. i’ve let people fool themselves. they didn’t bother to find out who and what i was. instead they would invent a character for me. i wouldn’t argue with them. they were obviously loving somebody i wasn’t.”

[soraxns]

hey this is a bit late, but it’s easier for me to do it here on the dash so here goes nothing. regarding my old threads, i actually wasn’t thinking of dropping them, but if the people who i was writing with do wish to drop them, please let me know! i totally understand! and as for starters that i had promised but didn’t get to do, if you’re still up for them -- also let me know! leave a comment, reach me on discord ( or via ims ) , i’m always up for a discussion. <3

[poetinyourheart]

Visit Original Link

[soraxns]

poetinyourheart‌:

I went forth with an age old Desire to please On the edge of seventeen

[s2yumissyous2]

[nsminjae-blog]

don’t touch, it’s art.

[soraxns]

nsminjae‌.

(...)

And Minjae can’t help but nod at her suggestion: perhaps closing his eyes would make the whole experience a lot more memorable. He’s not really into surprises, they always make him nervous and anxious, but this time things feel different — it feels like nothing could go wrong and he trusts Sora, he smiles at her and offers his arm for her to hold onto and lead the way into the museum, as he closes his eyes and waits for the woman to take him inside.

“Alright, Sora-ssi. I’m ready to go in, I’m curious to see and hear about the things in this museum.”

‘‘they say flattery can get you far and open many new doors in life, but tonight i’m just being downright honest. it warms my heart to know that you actually listened to my little advice. plus you look lovely when you’re blushing. i think that’s exactly what the agency needs. people who’ll smile more.’’ she said, half-joking, but there was perhaps some truth in her words. she loved any and every color, she loved seeing smiley faces and blushing cheeks, for the little things made life truly beautiful. 

nodding gently, sora chuckled at his request and added, ’’you can rest assured that you will hear everything i know. by the time we end our little tour i just hope that you won’t find me too boring. i simply know things, far too many things i’m not even supposed to know.’’ she couldn’t even blame her father for this silly trait. of course he was the one who had showed her the beauty and importance of art, but she was the one who took things to a new level. she wanted to know more, always more, never finding it tedious to memorize new information, names or even years. it was passion in its purest form, a passion for beauty and stories trapped in pretty paintings. 

seeing him follow her instructions without any queries or unnecessary complaints, sora couldn’t help but to feel a small sting of mournfulness. he obviously trusted her, but she was always so uncertain and far too secretive. sometimes she really felt like she didn’t deserve to call him a friend. finally she took him by the arm and led him inside, holding two museum brochures in one of her hands but she certainly had plans of giving both of them to him. she already had way too many stacked on her night stand. 

the illuminating and somewhat familiar light inside of the museum welcomed them both and she quite slowly and mirthfully ( as if she was waking someone from their deep slumber ) said, ‘’open your eyes and tell me the very first word that comes to your mind.’’ a dazzling smile followed her words as she waited for his answer. ‘’to start things off, this museum was opened on the 19th of august in 1988 and i’ve been coming here since 1995. so you’re in good hands, minjae.’’ 

[soraxns]

🥂 are there any colors that you refuse to wear?

absentmindedly she turned her attention toward him and blinked once, then twice in surprise, hoping that the haziness inside of her mind would quickly vanish with each new blink. ’’what? colors? why? not that i can really recall. but to be fair, i rarely refusing to do anything... oh well.’’ she stopped, midway lost in her thoughts, as she took a quick peek at the dress she wore. ‘’yeah, not really. i’m pretty happy with the current color pallet in my closet. but are you actually trying to imply something else with your question? perhaps i just don’t see it? are you trying to say that certain colors don’t actually fit me? huh, maybe you’re not mistaken, but i really can’t be the judge of that. it has been scientifically proven that we all perceive ourselves in a different way than others perceive us. i never really thought about it too much, but i’m certainly thinking about it now.’’ 

instead of staying put and simply lost in her foggy thoughts, she placed down her drink onto a table and slowly started climbing. from one chair to another, she reached the top of the bar table, her high heels creating the distinct sound once they came into contact with the cold surface below her. her grand confidence, no matter where it came from, always served her utterly well. she stood proud and tall, and with a small clap of her hands she tried to gather everyone’s attention. ‘’hello everyone, i just need a minute of your free time because i have a small question for all of you. the question is rather simple and feel free to share your honest thoughts. now, is there a color that doesn’t suit me? do i look bad in the things i wear? really, every and any opinion will be appreciated. thank you.’’ 

[soraxns]

🥂 + would you prefer that i act like nothing happened? it's hard to find the balance and i... really mean it when i say i don't want to make this uncomfortable.

‘‘shhh,’’ sora gently shushed him as she placed her index finger on her lips, giving him a clear indicator that he was talking too much. by now the glass of wine in her hands was replaced by a cigarette and a vintage lighter, and after taking a moment to properly observe his face she lit her cigarette in just the blink of an eye. she wasn’t addicted. she could stop at any moment. it’s just that she didn’t want to stop. sora took a long drag on her cigarette and exhaled elegantly, almost like she was lost in some old neo-noir film shot decades ago. ‘’would you care for one?’’ she queried, pointing at the pack she had left on the bar. but despite her offer, she knew that she owed him an answer. so her following words slipped out seamlessly, ‘’ah yes, the question. i almost forgot. these cigarettes are so good, they could make your forget pretty much anything.’’ 

‘‘look, yongjin,’’ she fell silent for a moment to take another puff of her cigar, then continued in a softer, more contemplative voice. ‘‘i think you should act in the way you think is the best one. asking you to behave in a certain manner wouldn’t be very wise and that’s not something that i want to do. to you.’’ she clicked her tongue against her palate, the corners of her mouth turning upward. what she wanted and what she needed were two strikingly different things. ‘‘i think you’re only making this uncomfortable by asking such questions. and what is balance in life? what would be the perfect balance between you and i? do you have any ideas? please do share your thoughts.’’ 

with a slight sigh leaving her lips, she gave him a tender smile and said, ‘‘in the end you will,’’ leave me just like everyone else, ‘’do what you think is best. and i will be fine with it.’’ the best cons were always done with half-truths. ‘’but like i always say, i never let anyone who doesn’t intrigue or interest me in a certain way into my life. it’s always been like this. those who don’t burn me like the sun will never get close. and you like art after all. i like that about you.’’

[soraxns]

🥂 + most people in this organization absolutely hate my guts so why are you being so nice to me?

‘‘am i being nice to you?’’ starting things off with a counter-question seemed like the most reasonable thing to do at that moment. was she truly being beyond nice to him? no such thoughts had occur to her prior to this conversation, but perhaps everyone had their own definition of the word nice. however, even a slight peek at her kaleidoscope eyes was enough to reveal sparks of bewilderment mixed with curiosity in them. she gave herself the liberty to observe him a little, only for a few brief and fleeting seconds, and she looked at him like one would look at a caravaggio painting; with meticulous focus on the intense chiaroscuro.

‘‘what others do is none of my interest really. i do not know why they harbor such hatred, but you’ve given me no reason to despise you. maybe the fact that you wish to put me in a basket with all the others could be one of those reasons.’’ despite the alcohol in her system she felt rather sober which to her seemed like a pretty strange occurrence. was bad alcohol the main culprit? or perhaps the satisfaction that came when one finally spoke the truth? whatever it was, it was enough to sober her up. 

‘‘they say that some people choose to see the ugliness in this world and nothing else but that very same ugliness. they cling to it like it's their only life-line. but not me. never me. i choose to see the beauty and i know true beauty when i see it. but don't let it get to your head, i’m not talking about your face or any other physical aspect. sometimes i just choose to see the best in people, the very beauty that others blatantly ignore. i know valuable things when i spot them. it’s a family thing actually.’’ and it really was. she got her mother’s eternal beauty and her mesmerizing eyes that could drive a person to the point of madness, but the wish to see the best in people came only from her father.

that very same wish brought his downfall in the end, but sora could not rid herself off that trait. it was woven in her dna, a part of her every living cell. for an agent she truly was sometimes way too softhearted, ’’or perhaps it’s a disease, doctor. but i think i can live with it.’’ she sank back into her chair and crossed her legs, in the same manner like a prideful cat would do. always so elegant and coordinated. ‘‘you know, people that don’t interest me... well i never give them the time of the day, doyoon.’’ with names everything felt more personal and she, ever so casually, gave him a smile, always so dazzlingly red. ‘‘and finally, if you don’t like me or the way i behave or if you think i’m deceiving you out of pity or something else... then look me in my eyes and say it.’’

[soraxns]

🥂 + what type of person do you think i am? :3

there’s a reason why one should never ask questions regarding delicate matters, for their ears and heart ought to end up disappointed. sometimes even broken. 

she gritted her teeth in a rather unladylike manner, which was the first indicator that something just didn’t feel quite right. but she was shin sora after all, the trickster among tricksters and in just a few moments she regained her usual statuesque composure, looking as charming as ever with a glass of whiskey in her hands this time around. 

a boy-sheep who wishes to run with the wolves, but the mask sadly doesn’t fit. you’ve spent too much time in your gilded cage and now you don’t know what rust tastes like. too naive if you really trust someone like me. you’re supposed to see through people. so am i that good of a magician or are you just bad at what you do? 

but her red lips did not part. they remained sealed, keeping the sudden hurricane of thoughts neatly hidden inside her pretty little skull. what an ache it was to face them all now. placing her delicate hand on his, she gave him an apologetic smile out of shame for letting her thoughts run wild. ’’you’re a, dare i say, a very very interesting person. not just interesting, but you’re also kind and i think you have a heart that could offer a home to all those who never had it, those who seek a friend and something to call their own.’’ 

she was good with words, the one thing no one could take away from her, but surprisingly she felt no urge to lie. not too much at least. a little bit of sugarcoating was always necessary. ’’you have a golden soul, minjae.’’

‘‘and i don’t see you just as any person. i see you as a…,’’ naive, definitely a naive boy and not a man, but that didn’t matter. ‘‘i see you as a friend. a real friend.’’ or a real friend-in-the-making. but the fault wasn’t his. sora was the bad seed, one that wouldn’t let things grow naturally. one that kept people close, but never too close in case they got too curious. ‘‘you’re the psychologist here. shouldn’t i be asking that question, huh?’‘ she pulled away and even pushed his hand aside, clearly growing bored with the passing minutes. it was his profession that bothered her the most. slowlyshe sank down and lay her head on the bar, empty eyes displaying disinterest. she had already said too much. 

[unchildhood]

MARGARET ATWOOD x WALTON FORD

‘Let Us Now Praise Stupid Women’, Good Bones and Simple Murders (1994);

Gleipnir (2012), watercolor, gouache, ink, pencil on paper, 69" x 120" x ½".

[nsjaehwa-blog]

( delicate matters ).

[soraxns]

nsjaehwa‌.

(...)

She probably should have double checked that the restroom was empty before partaking in a mental breakdown, but rationality had never been Jaehwa’s strong point, so as a figure stepped out of one of the stalls and made their way to the sinks, she simply wrapped her arms around her torso, trying her hardest to make herself seem small. Best case scenario, the other woman would simply ignore her presence and go about her day, and Jaehwa would be alone to panic all she wanted.

for better or worse sora somehow possessed the tendency to find herself in the right place at the right time, a sixth sense of some sort that came in handy in dire situations and strange scenarios. or maybe those were just the pretty lies she repeated to herself over and over again, a brilliant way for her to calm her racing mind down, but also a practical way for her turn a blind eye when faced with all the disarray. say something enough times and one’d eventually start to believe it in, be it true or false. maybe it actually was the other way around, a reversed image of what she truly saw in her shinny silver mirror. little alice, you’re far away from home now. there were no such things as the right place or a perfect timing, those were just illusions created by the free-spirited and optimistic souls, and sora perfectly fitted among such a lonesome and hopeful crowd.

however as soon as she took notice of the pretty young girl in distress, she started to believe in her own little notions. it was like a bolt from the blue and something one’d never expect to see in an ordinary restroom, but sora certainly didn’t have the heart to let the poor girl drown in a pool of her own worries and sorrows. it went against all of her moral beliefs and she cared, she always cared too much about the world and it was one of her biggest flaws. but also virtues. she was no doctor or a therapist, a trained professional that knew how to handle such situations with grand care and observation, just like in all the medical textbooks. but she knew the pains of girlhood and having one’s heart crushed by the weight of family matters. she of course wasn’t familiar with the source of the other girl’s worries, but whatever it was it needed to be resolved at an alarming speed. 

so she approached her careful, not like a poacher who would try to harm a wounded doe, but like a curious stranger in hopes of helping a little dove spread her wings and fly again. gentle, gentle, with no haste moves or actions. it was a nerve-racking experience indeed, but sora was never the one to give up easily. she didn’t want to scare her away or cause her even more trouble, but she was well aware of the fact that she had to say something. in worse case, the girl would only tell her to leave. ’’excuse me, i couldn’t help but...’’ no, that was an awful way to start things off. so she immediately interrupted herself. ‘’i’m not blind nor deaf and i can clearly see that something’s wrong. what happened to you? are you hurt? did someone hurt you? please you can tell me.’’ not a command, but a soft plea, a sort of gentleness that probably wasn’t expected from agents. 

‘‘tell me, who dared to worry a girl like you?’’

[soraxns]

🥂 + what are you not telling me?

[ enter a girl holding a glass or red wine, a girl staring hopelessly at the crimson liquid in hopes of getting an epiphany. ] 

his curiosity was almost admirable. pandora had similar tendencies, did she not? but she had left ruin in her wake, a clear warning sign and reminder to all the other prying strangers. it was almost admirable, but for most parts sora was rather disappointed. did he really take her for a fool? she brought one hand to her neck, soft fingertips playing with white pearls that went perfectly with her dress. her secrets were like those very same pearls, rip one out and the rest would scatter all across the floor, forever lost out of her reach. did he really expect a few drinks would have such impact on her? a trained professional? it would take a lot more than just alcohol to make her talk of such things. 

‘‘what makes you think i’m hiding something?’’ she offered him a question instead of even a half-lie, her lower lip quivering in a state of half agony and half surprise. the drinks were no truth serums, but instead they awoke a different side of sora. a prideful and bitter side, partly furious and partly sad. why did he want to know? what difference did it make? ‘‘i’m an open book, hajoon. all you have to do is read.’’ but certain pages were torn out, missing, never to found again. ‘‘i don’t understand and quite frankly it’s almost insulting when i have to deal with such questions. your question is just an improved way of calling me a liar.’’ i am liar and i’m better at it than you. but she knew when to stop, to keep her tongue in its place. say just a little too much and then risk losing a lot. 

‘‘i know there’s something that you’re not telling to me, too. i can see it in your eyes sometimes,’’ she clutched the glass with all her might - practically to the point of breaking while the red liquor danced around from one side to another. ‘‘i think there’s someone calling you in the back.’’ translation; i think you should leave me now. but instead she stood up. 

[ exit sora. ] 

[niskrp]

「  ASK MEME II: HAPPY HOUR  」

SEND 🥂 + A QUESTION, and the muse will answer it drunk at any time during the night.

ᴸ  to go hand in hand with our EVENT. to be reblogged by NISKRP members only.

[soraxns]

╰ *russian roulette.

(( @nskwon ))

while gripping a russian crystal glass filled with chilled champagne ( a type of glass that seemed over-decorated and a type of glass that would make most faint upon seeing the actual price ), sora slowly moved through a dense crowd of half-familiar faces, subtly keeping her forever curious eyes on those she knew. she pranced around proudly - like she truly belonged among all those high class gentlemen and their pompous wives adorned with the most beautiful jewelry. she even looked like she was one of them. her once brown and long strands of hair were now replaced by blonde, almost icy, curls. it was a golden crown resting atop her head. a true queen among mortal men and women, she really looked at most like they were nothing more but some dirt stuck to the bottom of her shoes. 

her silver dress glistened underneath the bright crystal chandeliers as well as her pretty jewelry, but the white fur wrapped around her shoulders was the last piece of the extravagant puzzle. russians were known for their decadent and opulent way of living, a sort of wealth that was hard to find. even sora behaved differently around those people. maybe because around them she was no sora, but a mysterious heiress called matryoshka. any and every trace of the real sora was now gone, long forgotten and omitted. like the forever sweet and compassionate brunette never excited in this world. 

she first approached a group of three women dressed in the finest silk, kissing each one three times on their powdered cheeks, greeting them in the politest way and never once taking a smile off her stunning face. she had met them in an opera house two years ago, but for the sake of her role she had to be well-familiar with the real elite.  matryoshka was a work of fiction, but in order to make her come alive it was necessary to mix fiction with reality. the more the better. 

after exchanging the necessary pleasantries with them, she turned around and continued with her little walk, hoping to spot their target among all those people. but it was practically impossible. she had to keep smiling and greeting and chatting with people she pretended to know. all caught up in her little role, she barely had time to speak with seojun, but when an opportunity presented itself to her, she immediately reverted her attention back to him. ’’any luck? did you find him? or perhaps overheard something useful?’’ she raised a curious brow, keeping a rather neutral and cold expression on her face. cold was the mask she wore, devoid of any emotions. that was very thing made her so good at her job; the ability to become anyone. 

[hirxdo-deactivated20191005]

guns ‘n roses || sora & doyoon

[soraxns]

nsdoyoon‌.

(...)

doyoon loses track of time, sitting so closely to the monitor his mother would have scolded him if she had been alive to do so. his back hurts and his eyes sting but he doesn’t move once, at least not until he feels the pressure of hand carefully placed on his shoulder. ❝ i’m sorry, were you saying something? ❞

@soraxns

perhaps sora should’ve felt nervous, perhaps she should’ve taken the whole situation a lot more seriously, but while standing there with the other team members and waiting for her cue to exit she didn’t feel particularly concerned. the stakes were always high in every situation, during every mission, so what frightened others usually calmed sora down. each bruise, scar and failure were lessons, lessons that somehow made her stronger. it was true what they said. the things that don't kill you, do make you stronger. but what about one’s mind? the mind wasn’t like a body, it suffered in different ways. and each mind had its fair share of encounters with ghosts and phantoms. some sadly more than others. so even in her line of work it was of great importance to stay compassionate, to read between the lines and see the whole picture from a different angle. 

and something, she didn’t know what exactly, but something was wrong with doyoon. it was written all over his face, all she had to do was read and where others saw only hieroglyphs and a strange juxtaposition of words sora saw far more. a clear story, an image. human behavior was in most cases rather predictable and in spite of the fact that humans possessed something as great as free will they were still trapped in their own little worlds filled with loops and endless repetition. so of course she had to approach him. sora, a pretty doe who had learned how to wield a gun and catch bullets with her teeth, was still very kindhearted. sometimes maybe even too much for a special agent. ’’yes, i was actually saying something. don’t worry, it wasn’t anything overly important. i was just going over the details of the mission. you know them, right?’’

she kept her hand on his shoulder for a few more moments, her soft skin radiating heat, and then she took it off. had she crossed the lines of proper work etiquette? perhaps. perhaps not. ’'by the looks of it we’ll be going out in a few minutes, but if it all goes right we won’t need your help.’’ she flashed him a little smile in hopes of keeping the atmosphere cool and relaxed. there was already too much tension for her liking. ‘’but are you all right? you don’t look very... ah it just seems like there’s something different about you today. is that a new sweater on you?’’

[soraxns]

╰ * 99 bottles.

[soraxns]

nshajoon‌.

(...)

❝ i don’t know what that means but i agree. ❞ hand clutches around the glass, gratefully, as he raises it into the air and taps at against her. he pours about half of the contents down his throat before he sets it back down again, twirling it in his hands as he answers her question. ❝ it looks like we’ll be making our first move soon so i’ve been kept busy at hq. ❞ it’s not entirely true but hajoon smiles widely enough not to cause suspicion. ❝ but that’s enough about work. why don’t you tell why you really dragged me out here tonight? ❞

oh how she ardently wished to share her thoughts with him, with anyone really. to pour her heart out and have someone help her carry the heavy burden that life had strapped onto her back. but wishes were for children after all, ugly thoughts that gave dreamers far too much hope. there was such a thing as too much hope. anything in excessive measure was dangerous. sometimes even lethal. so she had to keep her mouth shut, her tongue behind her perfect pearl teeth and her thoughts locked somewhere in the depths of her mind. crack open her skull and they would all start to leak, a crimson river of thoughts never shared aloud. she was a deceiver after all, just like her father, the very source of all the worry in her life. the very source of shame, too. thus she did what she was the best at; smiling, acting, pretending that her mind wasn’t a battle field. 

‘‘predestined? do you actually believe in destiny? and hey, i’m fun when i’m drunk, but then again when am i not fun? plus i don’t have much too hide, you know. i’m a simple girl, with simple dreams, sitting next to a boy and hoping to see him drunk. it would be another great victory for me, wouldn’t it?’’ she teased, almost glowing with absolute confidence. ‘’but what would you do with all that incriminating evidence? would you like to see me behind bars? why of dear hajoon, why?’’ her little performance was quite close to being melodramatic, a true soap opera star in the making. 

‘‘i know that. but i’m better at it. and of course. why not tonight? what makes tonight so different than any other night? yes, why not tonight? in this city of millions? a city filled with far too many shinning lights?’‘ she put down her empty glass shot and pushed it aside, a silent but clear sign to the waiter to serve her another one. ‘‘wait, you don’t speak russian? that’s a great shame. but basically it means we’re celebrating our health and that we’re hoping to stay that way. it’s the russian way of making a toast.’’

when it was his turn to say something, sora seized the opportunity to take off her coat, but that didn’t mean she wasn’t paying attention. on the contrary, it gave her some extra time to think properly about his words. with a slightly confused look painted across her face she said, ‘’wait a minute! why can’t we talk about work? where will you be making your first move? come on, don’t leave me hanging. that’s just plainly rude.’’ a joke of course, but joking was far better than answering his question. ‘’is there supposed to be a reason? maybe i just wanted to see your pretty face. isn’t that shocking?’’

[windfairies]

151019

[soraxns]

╰ * kindred.

(( @nsjaehyun ))

restless, restless, she had always been so restless, even in situations that didn’t require such a convenient trait for a special agent. while the half of the, if not the whole, city was in a deep slumber, sora was on her feet, aimlessly going from room to room in her apartment and trying to find something to take her mind off the fact that it was already three am. three am and not even once did she managed to properly close her eyes and rest her weary body for a second. it was excruciating and she had tried everything, but sleep simply refused to come to sora. however her apartment, despite being her main living place for more than two years now, was still rather empty and thus even finding distractions became a challenge for the willowy brunette.

she had her bed and paintings and most of the time a woman like her didn’t need more. but even the paintings were forgotten in the dark shadows, stacked and buried one beneath the other; a grave of fine art and vintage frames. all the dust made it even worse, but she rarely had time for cleaning. or for that matter - energy. instead of cleaning and reorganizing her apartment, she had tried getting back to her old passion. somehow in the sea of all the paintings she managed to find an empty canvas and some old acrylic paint, but of course after not being used for so long it was way too dry and downright useless. 

 she searched again, but without much surprise, she only came face to face with more disappointment. around four am, she became far more agitated and not even cigarettes were of much help. she stood on her balcony in a nightgown with a cigar in her hand, gritting her pearl white teeth and trying her very best to ignore the cold wind. she had no rules against smoking in her own apartment, but watching the glimmering city lights was to a moderate extent calming. the balcony was her favorite place and no heat or cold would ever stop her from enjoying in that. 

but still none of those things were able to put her heart at ease. so without any other options to turn to, she picked up her phone and dialed jaehyun’s number. while waiting for him to answer she did consider hanging up. it was selfish of her to call him at such an ungodly hour. beyond selfish and yet she did it anyway. wake up. wake up. how awful it was to be shin sora; a girl who was so addicted to social life and a girl who always pushed people away when they got too close. yes, it was awful indeed. ‘’hello? jaehyun is that you? did i dial the right number?’’