Male Victims
I wanna talk about male victims and why it’s hard for them to come forward. This is gonna be a semi long post, partly because of the story I’m sharing. It’s from reddit and I know what you’re probably thinking
“You can’t believe everything you see online”
That’s true, I know. However, circumstances like I’m about to describe do happen and while I can’t say for sure this particular post from reddit is exactly true, I’m going to speak on like it is and show you pictures from the post to illustrate my points.
So this starts out with the OP saying that he’s 20 years old and one night, he and a few friends got pretty drunk. They went back to his places which he shares with his girlfriend. She had three of her own friends over. His friends helped him get to bed, which is in a room of his own. They don’t share a room. And later on, he ends up throwing up on himself.
His girlfriend came to check on him, saw that and with the help of her friends, took OP to the bathroom where they proceeded to strip him completely and give him a sponge bath. He was semi conscious at that time and he mumbled things like “Stop” and “No” but he hadn’t been initially sure that they heard him.
Flashforward to the next day. He wakes up, he’s hungover and then realizes he isn’t wearing any clothes. So he puts something on and the girls are already awake (her friends stayed over for the night). They start giggling, one compliments him and says he’s handsome. Meanwhile, he’s feeling pretty self-conscious about it.
So, he tells them that he wasn’t okay with what they did, that they shouldn’t have touched him without his consent and the girls start yelling at him. They said that he was drunk and needed their help. He mentioned that he was going to be telling someone and that’s when they freaked out and when he left, they sent him messages begging for him not to say anything.
Here is a picture where he answered some common questions:
OP posted an update to the post and clarified that he was okay with his GF and her friends helping him to the tub, that his GF knew he would be uncomfortable and could’ve done the job herself. He also added that he has no relationship with the three other girls and that they’re his GF’s friends ans nothing else.
He went on to say that he was staying at a friend’s house (someone who was on his side regarding the situation) and his GF stopped by. He immediately started a video on his phone that was in his pocket. The GF said that they were just trying to help, to which the OP cut her off and asked her how she would feel if he and his friends bathed her. His GF said it wasn’t the same thing and that girls are more vulnerable than boys are and that it was just her and her friend’s natural “maternal” instinct to take care of him. OP then asked why the GF didn’t make her friends leave and she said that they wanted to stay and insisted on it “just in case” so she let them.
He also asked about why she didn’t leave him in his boxers. She said that they were dirty (with puke). OP said that she c0uld have easily poured water using the showerhead to clean them while leaving them on but his GF stayed firm on her reasoning . Finally, he asked her if she’d heard him telling them to stop and she said that she heard something but hadn’t know exactly what he said.
He and his GF went back to their place. Later on (and he acknowledged that it was wrong, but he just had to know), he took her phone and using it, he texted her three friends. He asked them if they’d heard him and one claimed not to have heard it but the other two admitted that they did, but said that he was drunk and “needed their help.”
At the end of all that, he asked for advice. He wanted to know if he should report that to the college or the authorities.
Now, surprisingly, he did receive a good portion of support from people. Saying that they were sorry with what he’d gone through and that definitely, he should report them. I was happy to see that.
However, there was also some not so stellar comments and I screenshotted some so you guys can see here:
As I was reading that on reddit, there were some red flags that stood out to me:
They stripped him naked and bathed him
Even if you’re somebody that’s comfortable seeing a naked body (maybe you’re in a profession like the medical field so you’re used to it), you also have to consider the fact that someone else might not be and their comfort (in this case) is a little more important than yours. Even in his inhiberated state, he was clearly not comfortable with the situation. With them touching him all over like that.
They put him to bed without any clothes on, not even underwear
This is just wrong. I agree with the OP that they should’ve kept his underwear on, there was no need to take it off and even with them insisting on “helping” him, they couldn’t even bothered to put some clean underwear back on him. C’mon now
Yelling at him when he voiced his displeasure
Way to invalidate his feelings. Again, it doesn’t matter if they were okay with it or that they were “just trying to help” him. He clearly didn’t want it and they should have respected that. They had no right to yell at him and make him sound ungrateful
If one of those four friends (I’m including the GF into this) found out that one of them was touched by a guy and she was upset over it even if he was trying to say that he’d just been helping her, would they have had the same reaction?
Probably not.
“Girls are more vulnerable than boys”
So, she definitely avoided the question. You know that had the situation been reversed, she would have been upset and it would’ve been made into a huge deal.
“Maternal instinct”
Sooooo he’s just supposed to suck it up and deal with it? That’s no excuse. Absolutely none.
The GF didn’t make her friends leave
I don’t get this one. She knew he would be uncomfortable and yet she allowed them to stay. I don’t wanna make assumptions about her, I really don’t. I just wonder; was she too intimidated by her friends and let them do what they want or did she not really try? I’m just not getting this.
If my boyfriend did that to me–not to sound dramatic–I’d kinda feel betrayed. I’m not the type to just get drunk like that, but if I was or I was in a semi conscious state because of a medical reason, i would trust that he wouldn’t do anything to me or allow someone else to.
It’s all about trust and respect. And as his girlfriend, she should’ve put her foot down and told them to get out after helping him to the tub.
The two friends that didn’t stop, even after hearing him say stop
That’s sexual assult. No means no. And it doesn’t matter if your intentions are ‘good’, when someone tells you to stop. You do it.
Don’t we hear the same thing about drunk girls and girls who aren’t drunk? Don’t we hear how a guy is supposed to respect a girl’s wishes and stop the moment she says it?
It’s the same with guys. He told them to stop and yet they didn’t listen. And they should be punished just as people would want a guy to be punished for doing it to a girl.
I gotta say, I was floored by some of the responses. Particularly by some people who were acting like OP wants to ruin the lives of the girls for nothing. They committed a crime. Why is it okay for them to just do it and get away with it? What will that teach them? Nothing, that’s what.
If I was in OP’s position, I would report them. To the college, to the authorities. It’s just not okay.
And people wonder why, why won’t guys speak up. Why they don’t come forward about these sort of things or talk about things that are bothering them. Well, here’s your answer!
How are they supposed to feel like they can when people are more inclined to take the girl’s side?
People brought up the drinking; no, really, they shouldn’t have been drinking underage. 1 year or not, it wasn’t right. But they also shouldn’t have touched him. He was in the wrong for that, but they were in the wrong for what they did, too.
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It’s difficult for a male victim to come forward, we’ve established that. But I want to dig in deeper as to why ; the different reasons why it doesn’t really happen. And this isn’t just for something sexually related but for any kind of harassment or abuse.
It can be pretty embarrassing, for one. Whether it’s a young boy or a teenager or a grown man, I think all of them will feel something similar. Although I think–could be wrong–it’s more prevalent in older teenage boys and grown men because of what they hear and see from society. This is especially true if the abuse was brought on by a woman. Men are typically bigger and stronger so there’s a sense of disbelief from people that it could even happen.
People may laugh. They may make jokes, such as asking him what he did to make his wife or GF angry. Just not being taken as serious as if they were a woman and I think that’s terrible. I can’t imagine confiding into someone about something so serious and that person doesn’t believe you or they joke about it. That’s a crushing feeling.
Men might also be hesitant to say something because in the case of the girl turning it on him and accusing him of trying to hurt her somehow. This happened to a 14 year old boy who was raped (or as the articles on the matter are trying to say, “inflicted herself”, “had sex with”, “convinced”) by a woman named Mandy Stubbs, who was drunk. She then went on, after getting caught, to accuse the boy of raping her. Thankfully, nothing happened and it was later stated by her defense lawyer that it wasn’t the case, but the accusation had definitely put fear into the boy, who didn’t want to leave his house in case anyone he knew believed her.
That’s so messed up. To not only go through that and then get accused and have to worry that people are gonna believe it. It has to be a horrible feeling.
And for many boys and men, they might even think it was their fault and that they consented to it because they reacted sexually to it. Having an erection, for example, doesn’t justify anything. Your body is reacting to it because that’s what it does, because sex is supposed to be a pleasing experience. If you didn’t want it, or you can’t consent because of your age, then that’s it. It’s wrong. Period.
But another reason is that they may not see themselves as being a victim. And another problem I believe is enforced by society that keeps putting out this idea that women somehow don’t abuse or don’t rape and that only hurts people. Men have to be able to recognize the signs and warnings and in some cases they just don’t.
And I wanna touch back on what I said about how men and typically bigger and stronger than women. This is another reason. People look at men, the kind who are tall and super muscular, and they think they’re safe. They think how could a man like that possibly be abused or raped. And you know, that sort of stuff can take a toll on a person. They may also be suffering from low self esteem or have had it happened to them before or whatever the case may be. I don’t think your physical appearance matters; because no matter how tall you are or how much muscles you have, abuse or being raped can make you feel small.
And then one must consider the lack of resources that are available to men in cases like this. Where is the help? There are places out there, sure and it’s a great thing. But men don’t exactly have the same access to those things because majority are for women.
It’s something that definitely needs to change. They need that space to know that they can fall back on. Being abused or harassed or whatever is awful–and that’s putting it lightly–but I think it’s worse when you think you don’t have anywhere to turn for help and you feel so alone.
And while I’ve been primarily speaking on women abusing or raping their man, this also happens in homosexual relationships as well. From a little research I’ve done, I read that some are reluctant to come forward because they think it will reflect poorly on the gay community as a whole. So, they just stay silent.
We have to change things. We have to make male victims feel safe as they come forward like we have for women. What’s worse is that I see that while they aren’t really taken as seriously, they still get blamed for not speaking up. That means they have toxic masculinity and they really can’t win either way.
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For any man that’s gone through any sort of abuse, I hear you. And if anyone just needs to vent and let loose whatever you’ve been holding in, you can certainly drop me a message. I don’t even have to respond if you don’t want me to. I’m also leaving some resources for you men out there that may need it:
https://www.thehotline.org/ (This is the National Domestic Violence Hotline)
https://www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/help-for-men-who-are-being-abused.htm (This is from the Help Guide)
Here are numbers you can call if you like:
National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-4673
National Domestic Abuse Hotline: 1-800-799-7233
National Dating Abuse Hotline: 1-866-331-9474
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255
