So, So Many Songs

♪ ♫ ♩ ♬ ♭♮ ♯ <3

[sosomanysongs]

Found you when your heart was broke I filled your cup until it overflowed Took it so far to keep you close (Keep you close) I was afraid to leave you on your own

I said I'd catch you if you fall And if they laugh, then fuck 'em all (All) And then I got you off your knees Put you right back on your feet Just so you can take advantage of me

The last two years have been a lot of this for me. Thinking that I could save you by filling you up. Thinking I could save you by setting a good example, even if it came at the cost of my social life or wants/needs. Thinking I could create a barrier around you, your heart, your mind, your soul, so that the things that you said hurt you couldn’t do it anymore. 

Tell me how's it feel sittin' up there Feeling so high but too far away to hold me You know I'm the one who put you up there Name in the sky Does it ever get lonely? Thinking you could live without me Thinking you could live without me Baby, I'm the one who put you up there I don't know why  Thinking you could live without me Live without me Baby, I'm the one who put you up there I don't know why 

But what I did instead was put my life on hold to try and create a life with a person who was never fully there, and never fully able to be. There were always excuses; most of them projections. I was abusive. I was mean. I was all of these things that actually... weren’t me at all. 

The thing I have learned from all of this? A person will smash a mirror you put in their face. You knew the things you were doing were wrong, mean, and hurtful, but it didn’t matter. The love that I pumped into you and this relationship didn’t matter because you were going to do whatever you wanted anyway, even if that involved manipulation and lying. Accountability was a foreign word.

Gave love 'bout a hundred tries  Just running from the demons in your mind Then I took yours and made 'em mine  I didn't notice 'cause my love was blind

I had two options: keep my autonomy, leave town on a trip and suffer through the hungover text messages, lying about drinking, lying about being hungover, projection, etc. Or bring you with me and either be embarrassed that you couldn’t socialize for whatever reason (likely because you were sober) or worry that you were anxious and it became my problem. I did not like either option. Your problems became mine. I had to constantly think: is this event going to make her anxious? Is this event going to trigger her because there is alcohol?  Will she be able to be present? Can she be that person who she said she was when we first met? The one who was so interested in self-improvement, didn’t drink, loved therapy, had her shit together, etc. 

The answer to everything started becoming no.

You don't have to say just what you did I already know  I had to go and find out from them So tell me how's it feel 

Tell me how's it feel sittin' up there Feeling so high but too far away to hold me You know I'm the one who put you up there Name in the sky Does it ever get lonely? Thinking you could live without me Thinking you could live without me Baby, I'm the one who put you up there I don't know why

And when I tried to create a boundary, you shat all over it. When we broke up and I said we shouldn’t talk because I had already tried to be your person -- your ears, eyes, heart, soul -- you continued to try and push the needle. Push the boundary. Insist you didn’t have any friends. Insist I was the only one who got you. You said we are two people who get each other. You said I was the light of your life. (Of course, this was after telling me any hurtful thing you could and putting the couches on their sides and packing up the toilet paper and light bulbs because you didn’t want me to be able to “use anything you purchased” before I moved out, while you weren’t there.)

You said whatever you had to, manipulative as it could be, to get me to feel badly and entertain your conversation. And then the moment you make a new friend, the moment I tell you something that makes you consider the truth or how you hurt me, you say we need a boundary and shouldn’t talk.

I’m not a fan of this kind of slap in the face.

All I wanted was more than an empty promise or words to fill space. All I wanted was consistency. I tried to keep you in that mind frame, but your brain wouldn’t let you. 

I miss feeling like “we’re living in a romantic comedy.” I miss feeling like I had a person, however fleeting that may have been. I miss you. Or who I thought you were. And the thing that kills me is you are now working on the things I’d begged of you. And now someone else will get to benefit from my mirror in your face.

I’m the one who put you up there.

There is nothing more unfair or hurtful than this. Justice and fairness don’t play a role when there isn’t an even playing field. Relationships shouldn’t be politics.

[sosomanysongs]

I knew When you told me you don't wanna go home tonight And you tried to just shrug it off when I asked you why Somebody hurt you Somebody hurt you But you're here by my side

I understand the bruises and the brokenness that come from being rejected or hurt or not fitting in, and I think that is where things get sticky with my relationships. I make people feel comfortable, like they don’t have to put up a front, like they don’t have to carry around that hurt. But when it is so, so deep within them and they try to push it down in order to accept this kind of love, it is only a matter of time before it begins to bubble back up. 

'Cause I can recall when I was the one in your seat I still got the scars and they occasionally bleed 'Cause somebody hurt me Somebody hurt me But I'm staying alive

And I can tell When you get nervous You think being yourself means being unworthy And it's hard to love with a heart that's hurting But if you want to go out dancing, I know a place  I know a place we can go  Where everyone gonna lay down their weapon

People are messy, ugly, dirty, beautiful, amazing, wonderful creatures. We are hurt, but what matters is what we do with that hurt. The lessons we learn along the way. 

But when you are a person with such deeply embedded problems who has not properly addressed them in a healthy way, but try so so hard to present as a  well-adjusted human being within the parameters of whatever hierarchical form of “normalcy”exists from when you grew up being yelled at, being told you weren’t good enough, being told you had to try harder, do better, that you were a loser, that you wouldn’t amount to anything, that you were just too weird? Things come out. Addiction happens. Codependency. You project and lash out at others. You usually lash out at the person closest to you and hurt them the same way you have been hurt before. 

I have never understood that kind of “paying it forward,” but I ended up in another relationship like that. Someone who grew up abused, left out, told they were wrong or weird or gross. I tried to pick those pieces up, show her that it wasn’t true, show her that healthy boundaries against those bad feelings and bad people were okay -- even if they raised you. Especially if they raised you.

But it wasn’t enough. 

Right now It's like you're carrying all the weight of your past I could tell all your bruises, yellow, dark blue, and black But baby a bruise is, only your body Tryna keep you intact So right now I think we should go get drunk on cheap wine I think we should hop on the purple line 'Cause maybe our purpose Is to never give up when we're on the right track

The getting drunk on cheap wine (and beer, and tequila, and vodka, and whatever else she could get her hands on any time i was out of town and trying my hardest to trust her) was the problem, though. The rest would have been okay. The rest would have saved her. Saved us. So I thought. 

And I can tell When you get nervous You think being yourself means being unworthy And it's hard to love with a heart that's hurting

There is nothing wrong with being yourself. You just have to know who and what that is, and I pray that she finds it and stops hurting -- both herself and others. In the meantime, I have to pick myself up by the bootstraps and start all over. 

It will be okay. I will be okay.

They will try to make you unhappy Don't let them They will try to tell you you're not free Don't listen I, I know a place where you don't need protection Even if it's only in my imagination I, I know a place we can go Where everyone gonna lay down their weapon Lay down their weapon Just give me trust and anything can happen

[sosomanysongs]

I’ve been feeling for almost two years that I was in a purple phase. The things I thought I felt and the people I had spent time with or merely just had seen–they were shades of aubergine. Royal purple, purple mountains majesty, lavender, light purple, and especially amethyst. I probably felt that one the strongest of all. 

But maybe since I’ve already written about the color blue, the thing is... I need to pause and acknowledge red, before going to purple. Maybe the time is now. 

Been in and out of love since I was 19 Opening my heart has left a bloodstain And I don't know how to make a man stay Maybe I've been putting my heart out in the wrong way And I'm bleeding But I'm alright with it Darling, I'm alright with it I'm bleeding out But I'm alright with it Darling, I'm alright with it It's just a bloodstain Thought I found the one when I was 23 And when it was done, it nearly killed me I've got a little heart, not built for one night I give it all away even when I know it isn't right And I'm bleeding But I'm alright with it Darling, I'm alright with it I'm bleeding out But I'm alright with it Darling, I'm alright with it I'm gonna pull myself together Gonna wait till it's forever Gonna find someone who'll stay Who's not afraid of what I'm asking for I know love is never easy With the scars it's gonna leave me I would rather love and bleed than never feel love at all

[sosomanysongs]

Who wrote the book on goodbye? There’s never been a way to make this easy When there’s nothing quite wrong but it don’t feel right Either your head or your heart, you set the other on fire

Talk about a Sophie’s Choice. When your head feels like it’s on fire, that is called paresthesia. It’s a symptom of PTSD or extreme anxiety. I’ve found myself suffering from it on days where the news is too intense, on nights when I think about Pulse, on afternoons when we fight and I am trying to push the frog in my throat back down. It’s as though there is too much happening in my brain for it to process properly and instead it outputs a pain. It literally burns.

I don’t know if I know what a heart on fire would feel like. Indigestion, I guess. I know a broken heart. I know a heart falling in love. I know a complacent or callous heart. But i imagine a heart on fire looking something like a phoenix. When will it be time to rise, then?

Back and forth now I’m feelin’ guilty Cause I just can’t stop this pendulum in my head Though I know that our time is ending I’d rather lay forever right in this bed

So now we have two things happening here. The brain is on fire. And the brain is ticking back and forth like the heart beneath the floorboards of an Edgar Allen Poe poem. It’s truly a bad feeling–guilt. I’m just not sure that is the right feeling to attribute to this moment.

No one knows…

Not even me…

[sosomanysongs]

There must be some Scandanavian word for the way that I am feeling. The definition would be: “_________ (n.): The trifecta of emotional, intellectual, and physical interest.”

Ain't never felt this way Can't get enough so stay with me It's not like we got big plans Let's drive around town holding hands And you need to know You're the only one, alright... alright And you need to know That you keep me up all night, all night

I never quite understood wanting to go to sleep just to wake up because reality is better than your dreams. Not only does it feel better, it is better. Counting down sleeps instead of trying to count sheep. I don’t know... it just appeals.

And you need to know That nobody could take your place, your place And you need to know That I'm hella obsessed with your face, your face Oh, my heart hurts so good I love you, baby, so bad, so bad Oh, oh my heart hurts so good I love you, baby, so bad, so bad

Familiar used to feel boring. But I like how it is beginning to feel stable. Better than stable. 

[sosomanysongs]

After ranting about how I am sick of acting like a rock to people while they treat me like a stepping stone, a wise friend told me: A stepping stone is still a rock.

We both know I cannot come home. The water rose faster than I could run. Oh my load has bruised my grieving bones. Forgive my sins for I haven't found God And I don't know when I can trust my heart But you were my rock never my stepping stone.

Perhaps a stepping stone is still a rock. But you can’t survive a flood on stepping stones.

She said I'll be your rock when the water comes Don't waste your life on the stepping stones.

[sosomanysongs]

You know, sometimes I create these insanely extended metaphors when writing about music. But sometimes the music does it for me. 

At first it felt like this:

Do me this solid If you would pretty lady Please grab your martini And meet me on the balcony I've prepared a light show You could fake a melody We could argue over where and when The cymbal hits should be

And then we went somewhere that sounded like this:

And if you're partial to the night sky If you're vaguely attracted to rooftops Hannah takes the stairs Cause she can't tell That it's a winding spiral case Is she right side up Or upside-down?

And then I guess it ended from a lack of this:

So Hannah let your roots grow Let your blue veins show If I need to take a breath Then you can take a trumpet solo I'll work on the limbs if You work on the torso and If it gets to be too much Then you can lend a helping hand

[sosomanysongs]

I don't necessarily think other places are better, per se. But the option of having a fast car to take you away if and when you need to escape? It sounds brilliant.

You got a fast car I want a ticket to anywhere Maybe we make a deal Maybe together we can get somewhere Anyplace is better Starting from zero got nothing to lose Maybe we'll make something Me, myself I got nothing to prove

The extended metaphor that has been weaved throughout the last three decades of my life has been about escape. The greener grass.

It is my hope that by now, I've seen it as green as it will be. I know I have. But this time, it's within. I have the capability to keep amazing company. To be a person others can rely on. To be a person that people seek out to work with.

You got a fast car Is it fast enough so we can fly away We gotta make a decision Leave tonight or live and die this way

A partner in life will just be the morning dew on the grass. But I am finally realizing I am the grass. And it's soft Kentucky Blue.

So remember we were driving, driving in your car Speed so fast I felt like I was drunk City lights lay out before us And your arm felt nice wrapped 'round my shoulder I had a feeling that I belonged I had a feeling I could be someone, be someone, be someone

[sosomanysongs]

All I remember is getting caught up in a moment. A series of them, actually. It was a series of moments that involved series of intense conversations, which led to a date, which led to driving up to the top of a mountain at 1 in the morning because who would choose going home over “an epic adventure?”

We were lovers in a past life I can see it in your green eyes Maybe you were one of my wives In a long lost tribe

When there is this sort of connection, when you just know that you and another person are kindred spirits or souls or whatever existential thing you want to identify as, how do you contain it? How do you avoid sprinting at 100mph? Is it a lack of impulse control or something else entirely?

There’s just somethin’ about you I know Started centuries ago though You see your kiss is like a lost ghost Only I would know But I, I keep on falling for you Time after time Time after time I’ll make you mine Time after Time after time

When somebody plays you a song and tells you, “This is the most perfect falling-in-love song,” how do you keep yourself from doing just that? How do you know that it’s not an invitation? How do people speak in these hypotheticals without any meaning behind it?

See millenniums ago love We were nothing more than stardust Just the galaxy beneath us You found me Then we made it though the ice age But I lost you in the crusades I build the pyramids for you babe Just to see your face But I, I keep on falling for you

I keep falling.

[sosomanysongs]

There have been so many moments that I wish I could have pressed “pause for:

Watching sunsets from the middle of a bay on a boat being driven by the person who built it.

Standing across from my girlfriend and taking a photo of our shoes next to our initials that were carved into the cement by the first place we called home.

A long, swaying hug. 

The last time I would take my dog for a walk or sprinkle cat nip on the sidewalk for my cats.

Sitting on the couch with the person I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with while she kissed both of my cheeks during the commercial break of our favorite television show because she knew that I needed it to be even.

I can still remember The words and what they meant As we etched them with our fingers In years of wet cement The days blurred into each other Though everything seemed clear We cruised along at half speed But then we shifted gears

The shift is the thing that I try to avoid. Whether it’s within myself or another person. It’s difficult to handle. Maybe it’s because I have difficulty handling things. Maybe it’s because I am too sensitive. Maybe it’s because I shouldn’t have to settle for people who shift gears. Maybe I don’t want to be the person who shifts ever again and will only ever be the best version of myself… whatever that is. I won’t leave again. It’s not a promise I can make, but it’s one I want to make. I’m so used to running away from things after the major gear shift that it becomes this automatic Pavlovian response. If I have the choice of fight or flight, I sprout wings and disappear. Maybe I was done a huge disservice by being told stories of magical butterflies and boys who could fly. I thought I could do the same. I have done the same.

We ran like vampires from a thousand burning suns But even then we should have stayed

I wonder if I am thought of as often as I think about others. I wonder why it’s so much easier to run from love back into the arms of abuse or apathy. 

I brought down the sky for you but all you did was shrug You gave my emptiness a name

The name has nine letters, and I should have known better to fall for an odd number. I tried to ignore so many parts of what I thought was hoping for because there were so many other significant benefits and pluses. But at the end of the day, it’s my own fault for ignoring the red flags. 

We’re all ok, until the day we’re not The surface shines, while the inside rots We raced the sunset and we almost won We slammed the brakes, but the wheels went on

And on and on and on…

[sosomanysongs]

What is it about heartache that brings us back to the places or people we have always visited before? What is it about “home” or “family” that gives us comfort?

Something always brings me back to you. It never takes too long. No matter what I say or do I'll still feel you here 'til the moment I'm gone.

Before moving forward, I guess we have to move backward. But how many times does that have to happen? How many times do we have to “go back like a moth to the flame” before the flame burns us and we learn our lesson?

You hold me without touch. You keep me without chains. I never wanted anything so much than to drown in your love and not feel your reign.

Set me free, leave me be. I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity. Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be. But you're on to me and all over me.

One of my best friends told me she noticed I only ever write post-trauma. (Or when I am falling in love, but that’s usually less likely because I’m too busy falling in love.) I would rather never write another word again or switch to fiction or screenwriting if it meant I didn’t have to feel like this ever again.

I live here on my knees As I try to make you see That you're everything I think I need here on the ground.

But you're neither friend nor foe Though I can't seem to let you go. The one thing that I still know is that you're keeping me down.

[sosomanysongs]

What else is there really to say now? 

I sugarcoated every dream of you That you're unable to make come true And I'll let faith decide this time around It appears though I'm still here now.

This doesn't mean I don't love everything about you Sometimes that's not enough It doesn't mean I couldn't stick it out a few more years It just means I'm not tough Whether you like it or not

I'll be around most likely For years to come if you need anything But I'll never be your lover No, I'm not cut out for that job obviously I'm not enough and I won't be Ever if not now Your temporary lover you let down

So don't fall back on me now Cause I'm not cut out

I've been in trouble since the start of the first round And I've dug a hole I can't get myself out Been miserable off and on for a while Just give it two more months, wait it out I told myself that you came back because you love me But it turns out that I found out, it's cause you're alone again You never hesitated once to leave me standing In corners watching you choose her over me again

I'll be around most likely For years to come if you need anything But I'll never be your lover No, I'm not cut out for that job obviously I'm not enough and I won't be Ever if not now Your temporary lover you let down

So don't fall back on me now Cause I'm not cut out for this It's not worth it from my end I've been over it too many times, too many lines I've never seen you so clearly You're so clear to me

Sometimes I think I know you better than you know yourself I'll call your every move, before you move it The only problem is that I have too much faith in you I see the best in you, but you won't prove it

It's obvious that it's real love, because you disgust me And I put up with you willingly when nobody else will And I could stick it out a few more years But who's to say you would actually stay

[sosomanysongs]

I am meditating on the dichotomy between my two different kinds of relationships: ones where I am the one who leaves, and ones where the other person does. 

There is no great thing, to stop and sing Waiting for the rain And this perfect pill, it's all too much On the edge again

Don't look away

A friend of mine in college once told me: You will meet the love of your life, but be too busy pining over someone with more baggage than a 737 to realize it or nurture it properly. 

I appreciate that she’s a pilot now.

Anyway, I’ve been thinking a lot about that, as well as this guest blog that I recently posted on my personal Tumblr where I use the quote: In order to walk the warrior’s path, we must first surrender.

I don’t always think in hyperbole, cliche, or platitudes, but it’s mighty hard to do that when you’re going through a thing and are unsure of what that thing actually is. When you lose your balance metaphysically, it can seem even more difficult than the physical loss of balance. And it was because of a previous difficulty that I delved into MBTI and different kinds of typology. While coloring inside of the very small lines of my adult coloring book (yep, ENFP here!), I was thinking about the two types of relationships (or I guess break ups).

The one where I end up leaving: I think I have relied too much on my secondary function, Feeling Introversion. I went right into my own head and the other person had no idea where I went. To be perfectly honest, I have no idea where I went, either. 

Couldn't help but note a cold disdain In your precious face Why do you always speak when you have no grace In your precious face

That has happened only three times in my timeline as a dater. The others? I was in what the MBTI-enthusiasts call a “functional loop.” The same place I am now. Where I bounce back and forth between my extraverted functions: Ne-Te. Extraverted Intution met with Thinking Extraversion makes me look out into the world and percieve what I think is happening and then NEED to talk about it. Incessantly. I become obsessed. It triggers my OCD and shoves it into high-gear. It turns me into a bundle of anxiety that won’t stop talking or trying to get to the bottom of something when the truth of the matter is: there may be no bottom. Sometimes you just aren’t right for a person at a certain time. Sometimes they shut you out and you hit bottom and then try to claw at the dirt. 

I’ve been on both sides, and boy do they suck.

But even in the dark I saw you were the only one alone At these hot gates you spit your vitriol Though you swore you wouldn't do this anymore And I can't be for you all of the things you want me to But I will love you constantly There's precious little else to me And though we cry, we must stay alive

But when the thing you had with a person was the best thing you ever had, even inconsistently? It’s so hard to give up. It’s so hard to not try to get the person who you thought understood you on this deep, transcendental level... to continue understanding.

We need our secondary functions for that. For me, that would be tapping into my inner values and considering things for a very long moment before acting. For the people who I have pushed away with my looping, it would be to get out of their own loop inside of their head and learn to outwardly communicate better. That’s the only way to defeat the catch-22.

Trying my best to get there. I wish everyone had the same determination, but that isn’t my place to impress upon anyone else. And I have to accept it may not be about finding the exact right words as my Ne-Te loop dictates, but to hope the other person will simply hear me.

Let my blood only run out when my world decides There is no way out of your only life So run on, run on!

[sosomanysongs]

It’s happening again. More than usual. I sometimes feel like I am not myself. Like this cannot possibly be what’s happening in my life. I look at everyone else and I know that their lives aren’t perfect. But goddamn, can they hide it better. Maybe I can’t hide it because of some weird Malcovichian disassociation. But maybe some people can do it better because of that. Am I too connected and they are too disconnected or vice versa?

Oh my sweet mind. Where did you fly? Where have you gone tonight? This is when I need you the most. From head to toe and coast to coast. Baby, time needs its distance too. I guess time takes after me and you.

Sure, we all need distance from time to time. But what happens when you can’t differenciate between flight or fight, time or space, internal or external intuition? Are the people who are treating you badly actually treating you badly? Or can you truly not see from any other lens besides the internal one? What happens when you are continually a victim and never the aggressor?

...I’ve come to hate the word aggressive.

All my sweet time. Where did you fly? Who have you left behind? Where do we go when we die? I'm getting older, growing closer. Who decides when it's time for us to close our eyes and say good night?

I also hate having a million unanswered questions. They’re hanging in the air like a thick 5am fog:

I just want to know where I'm going. I just want to see where I'm going. And if you'll be with me. I just want to get to where I'm going. I just want to see where I'm going. And if you'll be with me. I just want to see where I'm going. I just want to know when I'm going. And if you'll be there with me.

[sosomanysongs]

Shadows settle on the place, that you left. Our minds are troubled by the emptiness. Destroy the middle, it's a waste of time. From the perfect start to the finish line.

Why is it that when someone leaves you, the void feels so much stronger? Even if you know it’s for the best? If you do the leaving, all you have to feel is the trail of dust coming off your heels. You don’t have to breathe it in or cough it back out.

And if you're still breathing, you're the lucky ones. 'Cause most of us are heaving through corrupted lungs. Setting fire to our insides for fun Collecting names of the lovers that went wrong The lovers that went wrong.

What happens when the corrupted lungs and reason for breathing is another person? I’m sick of the elements. Forget the fire/anger, water/tears/sadness, air/her, earth/the number of steps I count as I walk down the street. The collection of names had gotten as big as I wanted it to be. And now there’s another. 

Well I've lost it all, I'm just a silhouette, I'm a lifeless face that you'll soon forget, And my eyes are damp from the words you left, Ringing in my head, when you broke my chest. Ringing in my head, when you broke my chest.

I promise.

I’ll do better.

I’ll make you feel safe.

I’ll protect you.

I’ll make this all up to you.

I know I haven’t done a good job at showing you I care.

The words won’t stop ringing in my head. But now I have had to learn the hard way: there is no such thing as a promise from a wolf dressed like a sheep.

[sosomanysongs]

I would grant all your wishes If you promised me a thousand kisses I will never, love another, like you So give me all your secrets your fear and doubts, honey you don’t need them I will never, find another, like you

I have had this song playing on repeat for about a week now. Every time a new perfect song comes recommended by Spotify, I add it to our playlist. Last week, I made the joke that this playlist will be the soundtrack to our wedding. But the thing is: I was mostly not joking.

I believe in something more all the days that came before led us right to where we are right to where we are it’s all written in the stars we’ve already come so far

The entire solar system was created by chance. Because one meteor hit another one slightly one inch out of orbit. That’s basically how we met. Everything about this relationship has been serendipitous.

Mostly.

I don’t have all the answers but right now is all the matters I could never, love another, like I loved you And we don’t have to understand fate always has the upper hand and fate choose me and you

I wouldn’t be able to love somebody else like I love you. I don’t understand it, myself. I don’t understand wanting this more than I want anything else in my life, but I do. And I can’t change that.

[sosomanysongs]

Sometimes I wish I could just disappear with you. And leave all the baggage behind. Yours, mine, anything that could possibly pop up. 

Run away-ay with me Lost souls in revelry Running wild and running free Two kids, you and me

But I can’t always plan for everything. It’s my tragic flaw. All I want is to live this ideal, romanticized life with you. 

It's our time to make a move It's our time to make amends It's our time to break the rules Let's begin...

Can we?