☆

just a kid trying to make it out there

[souenstar]

dear kim taehyung;

happy birthday! I hope today was all that you hoped for and full of happiness. that's exactly what you deserve. being a fan for 3 years and being able to watch you grow into the man you are today has honestly been a truly enlightening experience. I'm not sure what drew me into you years ago but I am honestly so glad that I did. your existence is my reminder to keep on living life and to look on th brighter side and to work hard. I can't tell you how many dark times you've pulled me through, but I'm so grateful to you (and the rest of bangtan). I will continuously support you and the boys whole heartedly because I could never repay how much you've improved my life. many people don't understand. they'll call me some delusional fan for feeling so much gratitude and love towards people I have never met before but they don't realize how much you've all been there for me when they weren't. needless to say, I wouldn't be where I am now if it weren't for you or bangtan. I'd probably be dead from my own cold hands. so thank you got giving me the reason to keep going on. please remember to take care of yourself and to continue to be happy and healthy and smiling. in return, I will work harder in my own life and to keep my determination and motivation to keep living and moving forward strong.

Thank you for another year of life.

yours truly, kyu.

[souenstar]

i am not special

as i am reminded every single year on my birthday.

quite childish of me but if i knew that every year i’d be sitting in the dark listening to sad songs while i cried, than i’d skip my birthday every year.

[souenstar]

In the midst of finals...

Why, hello stress. Though i don’t think you’ve ever left me. It’s in times like this that you start to question all of your life decisions. Why am I going to college? Why did come here for college? Why didn’t i do more? Why? Why? Why? 

And i can’t help but ask myself why. That’s just who i am. Life gets difficult and i suddenly get into a cyclone of why is it so difficult. There must have been some way to avoid the difficulty. And there is, but i know i wouldn’t be happy in that path. Staying home, going to community college. Life would’ve been easy, but I know i wouldn’t be happy. But i do question why I am living here. Being a lower class daughter of a dishwasher and to be surrounded by wealth and fortune all of the time you can’t help but feel a bit bitter. People here are living their life in luxury, while I’ve been just struggling to live.

But that’s life for ya.

[souenstar]

fave songs june - october

according to me last.fm lol

i will try to be more up to date with this lol

June:

BTS - 홍탄소년단

인피니트 - Just Another Lonely Night

인피니트 - 24時間  

Big Bang - Bang Bang Bang

방탄소년단 - Outro : Love is Not Over

Big Bang - Sober

방탄소년단 - 하루만

Kehlani - You Should Be Here

July 

보이프렌드 - 내 꿈꿔 (Good Night) 

GOT7 - 딱 좋아 

Big Bang - If You 

인피니트 - Bad 

TEEN TOP - 아침부터 아침까지 (ah-ah) 

TEEN TOP - 쉽지않아 (Missing) 

Exo - Love Me Right 

15& - I Dream 

방탄소년단 - 쩔어

TEEN TOP  - 리모콘 (Remote Control) 

레드벨벳 - Ice Cream Cake

August

Big Bang - 우리 사랑하지 말아요 

Dove Cameron - If Only 

Daughter - Youth 

레드벨벳 - 사탕 (Candy) 

방탄소년단 - 이사 

GOT7 - Playground 

5 Seconds of Summer - Close as Strangers 

C-CLOWN - 흔들리고 있어  

Epik High - Born Hater (Feat. 빈지노, 버벌진트, B.I, Mino, Bobby) 

방탄소년단 - Rain 

방탄소년단 - FOR YOU 

정준영 - TEENAGER 

September

레드벨벳 - Dumb Dumb

Block B - 빛이 되어줘 Be the Light

GFRIEND - 오늘부터 우리는 (Me gustas tu)

VIXX - 아이돌 하기 싫어

TEEN TOP - 니가 아니라서 (Missing You)

Exo - 나비소녀 (Don't Go)

Exo - Promise

October

TheFatRat - Never Be Alone

Karmin - Brokenhearted

SMLE ft. Helen Tess - It'll Be Okay

Mako - Smoke Filled Room

Jhameel - White Lie

Childish Gambino - 3005

2NE1 - 살아 봤으면 해

Linkin Park - Given Up

방탄소년단 - Miss Right

TK from 凛として時雨Unravel

DJ Okawari - Flower Dance

5 Seconds of Summer - Close as Strangers

BTOB - 그 입술을 뺏었어

C-CLOWN - 우연이야 (Intro Remix)

방탄소년단 - Butterfly

F(x) - 4 Walls 

[souenstar]

never mind. // 11/18/15

9:18 am

i’m not gonna sit here and pretend that nothing has changed between us. it’s funny; we said that we weren’t going to change and that our friendship would outlast and never drift and yet here we are. i honestly can’t say i’m surprised by this, to be honest. they say that naturally the relationships that don’t work will just stop. and once they stop, who am i to struggle to push it forward? i stopped trying a long time ago. it gets tiring to always message firt or to keep the conversation alive, you know? have to respond to one word replies gets old and cold. you start to realize that it may not even be worth it to keep the conversation anymore so i stopped. our conversations became small talk and superficial. and that was kind of reflective of what our friendship became too, wasn’t it?

only time will tell what happens to us now. but i have confidence that you’ll be fine without me. you have plenty of other people you care more for than i. so what does it even matter anymore?

9:28am

[souenstar]

is romance dead? // 8.18.15

8:11am

well, is it? I’ve moved into my dorm for about two days now, and i’ve realized the amount of guys that are just looking for a quick fuck with freshmen girls. It’s only been a few days since we’ve moved in, and you can’t even let things settle? Yes, waste no time to potentially scar a young girl when she first moves into college, a place that’s completely new to her, and she’s probably scared and craving to fit in. Possibly just sleeping with you because she thinks it’s the thing to do. Yeah, you’re the real ladies’ man.

8:17am

[souenstar]

2015 July 26

so i havent posted in a while, but i just had my first panic attack and it wasnt fun.

i’ve had breakdowns, but nothing has ever compared to this before and i’m just still shaking from it all. it last about 15 minutes, and i was just hyperventilating the entire time. i scratched myself, slammed things, my ears and hands and fingers felt tingly and my head was spinning and i fell to the floor and i just hugged my knees and cried. and wow, it was scary. just thinking about how much stress i was in, and how out of no where it came when i was slightly triggered. i can only imagine how many will come my way in college... that’s a very scary thought. i wish i knew how to deal with my anxiety better. it’s already come to this point.

[souenstar]

Fave Songs of May

((kinda late but whatev,))

English

“Slow Motion” by Trey Songz

“Post to Be” by Omarion

“The Night is Still Young” by Nicki Minaj

“Be Real“ by Kid Ink

“Fire Squad” by J Cole

“Energy” by Drake

“No Role Models“ by J Cole

“Never Again” by Trey Songz

Korean/ Non-English

“El Dorado” by EXO

“I Need U” by BTS

“Converse High” by BTS

“Loser” by Big Bang

“Bae Bae” by Big Bang

“Hold Me Tight” by BTS

“Hide & Seek” by Mad Clown

“Knock” by Nasty Nasty

[souenstar]

MAY WAS AN AMAZING MONTH. -- Long post alert.

This month was jam packed with a whole bunch of excitement, new experiences, and sadness and goodbyes. So let’s just start with the beginning.

May 4th - AVID Senior Trip

This was the first event for me for the month of May. It was also the last field trip we’d ever have as a class. It was very bittersweet and things didn’t go as planned, but we made the most of it and had fun! This was the first indication that high school was coming to an end.\

May 9th - My Sister’s college commencement. 

This was a very surreal experience because here I am preparing for my college journey and all of these people are done! I’m extrememly proud of my sister and I look forward to what she does next.

May 16 - Grad Nite @ Disney Land!

WOW THIS. This was my first time at Disney Land and it was spent with some awesome people and I’m so glad and happy to experienced this. I have so much to say about this, but maybe I’ll save it for another post haha.

May 11 - AVID Awards Night

We got sashed! It was a very emotional day. Many of us gave our farewell speeches that day and we gave our teacher a gift of TOMs. This was officially the end of our AVID journey. It was really sad because we were at the last stage. We also showed the cardboard confessional video. I’ll probably link it in another post.

May 10th - Last Orchestra Concert

not much to say to this other than this will be my last time in a while that i’ll be playing the violin :,(

May 23 - Hieu’s Bday/Grad Party

This was the most fun I’d had in a LONG time (other than grad night). Was all chill vibes and stress free. Most def turnt up, and we were all dancing in the street, using a car as speakers with absolutely no cares in the world. We all just let loose and celebrated, not only Hieu, but THE LAST DAY OF FREAKING HIGH SCHOOL!!!

AND THAT’S ALL CAUGHT UP!! WOOHOO

[souenstar]

The end of an appblr.

The start of a normal personal blog. Yes. I am officially done with high school. All I have left is graduation! So I’m going to keep this short and I’ll post an update on my life after I collect some pics for it haha

[souenstar]

Fave Songs of April.

English songs

“Prayer in C” by Lilly Wood & The Prick

“Dazed and Confused” by Lion Heart

“Staying Up” by The Neighborhood

“Bleed” by Hot Chelle Rae

“Hold You Down” by DJ Khaled

Korean/non-English

"사랑하지마” By Winner

“Missing” by TEEN TOP

“나비소녀“ by EXO

“노래가 늘었어“ by Ailee

“어디에서 왔는지“ by BTS

[souenstar]

2015 April 30

Hello friends! It’s been nearly a month since I last wrote on this blog. And for good reason. This month has been a huge milestone for me and has made me think a lot about the big decisions I have to make.

So as you know, tomorrow is the deadline to accept admissions and to commit to colleges! And i’m happy to say that I have finally set on a college!

Now before I get into what college I’m committing to, I want to go on a recap of this month.

It started off really overwhelming for me. I was lost and confused and stressed. I felt very pressured to have to decide on a college and i was getting so many mixed messages from all types of people. I was being pulled in all sorts of directions and I didn’t know what I even wanted anymore.

I asked my teachers to have a conference with my parents to help convince them that me going to college was the best option... however this only triggered bad feelings for me. I hit an emotional breaking point here. My parents couldn’t be convinced that going far to a college was a good idea and I was practically being forced to go to a college I didn’t want to attend.

This is when I became rash. My sister and I took a trip to SoCal and I was convinced that I would be going to Long Beach for sure. The trip was a little over 24 hours.

When I got to CSULB’s campus, I was in love. Even though it was cloudy, i was still very happy. But the practicality of everything hit me when I was sitting on my hotel room floor, charging my phone. Travelling down there was a HUGE hassle. and there were many orientation dates I would need to go to. IT was then when my doubts for going there were kinda fading.

Later that night, my sister took me to downtown disney, and we had a heart to heart. It was then when I decided what college I really needed to go to.

And so, I have decided on San Jose State! I submitted my intent to enroll over the weekend and I completed all of the fees and such yesterday! I am officially a spartan! Thanks to everyone who has went through this journey with me :-)

I also received my cap and gown yesterday. Ahh~ it feels so real now!

20 school days until graduation!

[souenstar]

Fave Songs of March.

So i decided to do something new. and here is a playlist of the songs that have found themselves on repeat last month.

English songs:

“Proud” by D-Pryde

“Runaway” by Kanye West

“I” by Kendrick Lamar

“Work Out” by J.Cole

“Unforgettable” by Drake

“Pills and Potions” by Nicki Minaj

Korean/non-English:

“Born Hater” by Epik High

“Shake That Brass” by Amber

“Do You” by Rap Monster

“Playground” by GOT7

“Evil” by SHINee

[souenstar]

2015 March 27 // 11:26pm.

Hey everyone. So I have big news, I'VE BEEN ACCEPTED TO CAL STATE LONG BEACH! This is a huge milestone for me because I was starting to doubt myself about this college. Its given me a bit of confidence because they see the potential and me and I should embrace it. Also, I know a few who have been rejected and although I feel sorry for them, it makes me feel a bit encouraged to move forward but there is something different about me that they saw. Fullerton still has not made a decision on me. It'll be very ironic if that's the only school I get rejected from... hah. But I don't mind. I'm pretty set on Long Beach now! The only thing sdd topping me from accepting admission is EOP. If I don't get into their EOP, going there will not only be impractical but nearly impossible. So I'm still waiting to see if I'm in before I commit to it. If by the unfortunate circumstance I don't get into EOP at Long Beach, I'll commit to San José State since I have already been accepted to the EOP there and I really like San José State too. It's just I'm more drawn to Long Beach. The last colleges that I was accepted to were University of the Pacific, Sacramento State, and Santa Fe Univ. of Art and Design. Santa Fe is officially off of the table. Same with UOP. Sacramento, although very nice, is off of the table too. That's my plan. and hopefully things turn out well! On a bittersweet note, 59 days until graduation! High school is almost over!

[souenstar]

2015 March 20

My favorite band is having a concert in LA in July. And ticket info is coming out next week, and idk. I’m not as excited as I thought I’d be. Maybe it’s finally starting to set in that I’m going to be a college student strapped for cash soon. That I cant be spending on such expensive luxuries like concerts anymore. I need to be saving up any money for college... and life.

But I’m going to Disneyland for Grad Night in May so I guess I can’t really complain? Just that much is very lucky for me.

I’d hate to thin that “growing up” means that I stop liking bands and stuff. That would be devastating... music has always been there for me. This band has gotten me through a lot, so the thought of NOT going makes me sad, but not devastated.

I really hope that when I’m in college I don’t “grow out” of liking these bands. They’ve gotten me through so much.

[souenstar]

2015 March 14

WOOT WOOT SPRING BREAK.

i just finished another quarter of my senior year.

and i guess it’s finally starting to hit me that in 2 and a half more months, i’m going to be done with high school and moving on with my life at a university on my own. and yeah, it’s scary to think about but i’m completely ready.

The only thing that i’m sad about is not being to see the underclassmen that i’ve grown so close to grow up and take over the high school when i’m gone. Like, they are taing over the club positions, and making the sports teams for next year. It’s kind of weird thinking that i am not doing any of this because i’m going to be gone! it’s something to get used to, and it’s definitely a new feeling to know that i’m not doing any of those things because i am DONE.

[souenstar]

2015 March 9

So i haven't updated in a while, so I'm updating.

All i've been feeling, really is just overwhelming stress and anxiety. not sure if it's because graduation is drawing closer, or if its actually new things that are starting to stress me out.

I feel like my parents have been more on my case lately. not sure why. it could also be that since they know that i'm going to be leaving in about 5 months (hopefully) they are taking out all of their frustrations on me now. I know that when i get out, it'll be hard, on me and them, but I know it is for the best. Give it a few months when i'm in college, and they'll realize that it's better that way. if not, then they'll have 4 years (ideally) to get over it.

I've come to the point when i've stopped caring about what anyone thinks. It may seem that i now lack the human compassion of "omg that's your parents and you're going to make them feel like that and not care" damn right. because all of my life they've only cared about the betterment of themselves, rather than me. Though, it may have been unintentional, i need to focus on bettering myself, yeah that sounds selfish but whatever.