On relearning how to stim
I never realised that neurotypicals don’t actually feel that overwhelming need to move like I do until I met my new group of friends in university.
Unlike them, I cannot help but constantly fidget no matter what I’m doing. When I’m sitting on a chair I often rock myself without even noticing. When I’m concentrating I pick on the skin of my lips or tap my fingers in a regular rhythm. When I’m stressed, uncomfortable or tired I rub a strand of my hair against my mouth to relax and when I’m in a good mood I repeat the same sounds over and over again. This is just as natural to me as it is for other people to fidget from time to time. The difference is that I do it more often and in “unusual” ways.
These last few weeks I started reintroducing some old stims and tried a few new ones. It felt so amazing and just so right that I’m struggling to find the words to express that. I felt happy and whole.
My parents were away for a few days so I decided that it was a good time to try flapping and it just felt incredible. I was watching a TV show that I love and flapping just made so much sense to me! It immediately brought a smile on my face and I felt something like a really satisfying buzzing in my hands (I can’t explain it better).
Then a few days later I decided to take my old Tangle toy that I haven’t used for years and bring it with me to university. At first I was really self-conscious about stimming in public but I quickly noticed that people didn’t care much. Stimming during classes really helped me staying focused and I worked much better than usual. When I was playing with my tangle it was as if my sense of touch was so satisfied that I had tingles in my fingertips and at the back of my head (as if I was watching an ASMR video!). Stimming this way also helps me to lessen the disturbance I sometimes cause in class because I have too much energy and I start talking/moving/fidgeting.
But stimming isn’t always cute and happy. Sometimes I stim in ways that hurt my body. Sometimes it drives people away from me because it annoys or even disgusts them. For years I was feeling emotions so strong I had no idea how to get them out of my head. I had some really unhealthy stims but they were more discrete so no one noticed it and I kept using them as a way of relief.
Relearning to stim is changing my life because not only I am relearning how and when to do it to feel better but I am also slowly trying to replace my harmful stims with new ones that are healthy.
Stimming is necessary in my life. I need it to connected my body to my mind, to comfort myself, to relax, to express my emotions, to focus and so much more.
Anyone reading this, please don’t feel ashamed to stim. Do it at home, do it in public transports, do it when you’re with your friends, family, at school, do it when you’re happy, upset, embarrassed, angry. Please just stim freely because it’s healthy and you are valid.
titsay
andulkaphoto
annaxmalina
prguitarman
turnnoffyourmind
janainaart
izzy806
