Everything I Could Never Say

So, this is my life. And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I’m still trying to figure out how that could be.

[soul-fixerrr-blog]

Weren't We Taught When We Were Younger To Always Reach For The Stars?

Our generation is known for hopping around and never feeling that we have is right. We are more likely to get divorces and move around from job to job. People of older generations are caliming that "we are never satisfied", but couldn't it just mean we are not willing to settle? "Be thankful for what you have, you'll end up having more. If you concentrate on what you don't have, you will never, ever have enough" - Oprah Winfrey". While Oprah makes good point, I believe it is also important to never feel like you have to settle. It doesn't mean to always look for the next best thing and dump your situation right when you see a better one, but if you are not happy, and you don't see a change in the future, what is the point of living an unhappy life? It is your life after all, and you are the only one who have to live with your choices. No matter how much money or love a person has in their life, they will most likely never say they are satisfied, there is always a new goal they are reaching for. It is natural for us to want more than we currently have, it doesn't mean that we are being selfish or conceded, we learned at a young age that we are always growing, and that there is always more in life. Those tendencies to always reach for more stick to us, into adulthood. We know the world and everyone around us, including ourselves are constantly changing. This causes us to always stay on our feet and be ready for change, to uplift our lives into a new adventure. "Why do we let the one thing we don't have affect how we feel about all the things we do have- Carrie Bradshaw". Obviously there are times in our life where we should be happy and content with where we are, but some parts of our lives can be constantly changing. Our life can change in little ways, like what you do with your friends that weekend, or even who you hangout with. There are times to be content, and there are times to get up and leave the situation. The struggle is distingushing between the two. Sometimes it seems like a no brainer, and other times you know what you have to do but it's hard to let go. Being content is a hard thing to justify. We may never fully feel content with every aspect of our life, but finding satisfaction within the small things is what's most important. As we learned at a young age, " You can do anything you want". That spirit of achieving whatever we want has stuck with us and created the feeling that we should never feel like we can't improve. It shouldn't necessarily be sen as we are never content, because that can take a negative turn, but rather we should see it as, we are always striving to become better people.

[soul-fixerrr-blog]

My Love For You Grows Everyday...

To the people I owe everything to, I send my eternal thanks. I understand that sometimes things don't work out. I've experienced it firsthand after all, I know that people falling out of love is more common than people falling in love these days. First, I want you to know I am not mad at all at either of you. Two people who were once in love, fell out of it, and who am I to be upset about this? My parents didn't go into their wedding day thinking they were going to get divorced, so I can't be mad at them. My parents do not love each other, and I am happy they aren't being forced to pretend they do. Thank you for living in separate homes, my parents aren't a good match together, so living in a house with both of them would be torturous. If my parents lived together, I would be in the middle of constant fighting, I would be in the middle of their unhappiness, which would probably affect my happiness too. I've learned to accept things for what they are. I've practiced keeping things to myself. I've learned that it's okay to watch two of the most important people in your life go their separate ways and begin making a new  family again. I've learned that nothing is permanent, and for that I am immensely grateful. Dividing my life in half has proven to be a rocky path with blurred boundaries, a path I must continue to walk until I reach my destination, where that destination will be is a mystery to both you and me. I'll admit, watching the only thing you've ever known be torn apart in front of you was a little traumatizing at first, then watching both parents put up walls and never sit down to explain what happened was frustrating. But, at the same time I owe you my gratitude. I was thrown into the real world, and I realized the only way to survive is to grow a thick shell. Not many people have broken through my shell that I've been building, and that's something I take pride in. I've also had the privilege of living two lives in one, with many incredible people being apart of both worlds. I have built-in best friends in the form of siblings. So many extraordinary people have walked in and out of my life, some which have chosen to stay and that is all because of the decision you guys made however many years again that decided that fate for me and I cannot imagine my life in any other way.  Thank you for teaching my tough love. Most of al, Thank you for doing your best over the years and helping to raise me in your own ways, into the lady I am today. Despite your thoughts, I think I am a very mature, independent, and smart girl, all of which I owe to the two of you. I love you both endlessly, never forget that.

[soul-fixerrr-blog]

I Don't Want To Die, I Don't Particularly See Why I Want To Live Sometimes..

Dealing with suicidal thoughts is weird, some days I wake up and already saw several ways I could easily kill myself and some days I wake up and see none. Some days I actually think about doing it, while other days I'm like " I could do it but I don't see the point". They don't ever really go away either, they're always there lurking in the back of your mind. Now, this isn't to say I want to die. I have suicidal thoughts but I don't want to die. In fact, I want to live. I have so many thoughts about the future and goals I want to reach, the thought of death is honestly unappealing because I know I can't do those things if I'm dead. Yet, there's always a small part inside my mind telling me that I'm not worth it and that the world would be better off. I've expressed these thoughts to friends and each time I get a similar answer, "that's not true, so many people would be affected", "Why would you think like that?". I know that my thoughts are logical but it' something I can control most days, Like I said, sometimes I wake up and I can get through my day with some intrusive thoughts but they're easily pushed aside. Other days, and these are the hardest days, the intrusive thoughts get so loud inside my head I can't ignore them. I could be walking down the street and see a truck coming and my mind will be like " Throw yourself in front of the truck. It's easy" or I'll be in the shower shaving my legs and a thought about how easy it would be to just cut my wrists and be done with it. Those days, when the thoughts are loudest, are the ones that really get me down. Again, I'd like to reiterate, that I, in no way, want to die but the chemicals in my brain have this disconnect that allows these thoughts to run through my mind. I used to think that nothing was worse than wanting to die but I realized, very recently, that there's nothnig worse than wanting to live but not knowing how to continue. The thing about living with suicidal thoughts is that it becomes a part of your everyday life. It's something that is another normal for you. Wake up, go through your morning routine, got to work, hang out with your friends and deal with thoughts that run through your head every second of every day. It's something you, I don't want to say get used to, but it's something that doesn't seem out of place anymore. It's exhausting, If I'm being honest, to live like this but I'm still here because I know now that it's not something that I want. I want a chance at a life without my depression and anxiety, even though it may never happen. The thought that it could is what keeps me going. Sometimes I have bad days and some days I have good days. If I left my brain do what it wanted to do ever day would be a bad day, but I've learned to live with it and how to fight my thoughts.

[soul-fixerrr-blog]

How I Expect To Be Loved....

I don't expect you to give me all of your time and attention but I expect you to be present when I need you most. I fully understand that you're busy with your own life and you have things to take care of, and I don't mind at all. Go on, build you're empire, work on your dreams, I'll be pleased to know that your time spent on things matter more but I want you to remember that I do need you as well, you're not just a prop. You're my lover. You have to give me the time I deserve and the moments we can share that cannot be replaced by any other things. I don't expect you to tell me everything, but I expect yuo to be true and honest with whatever happens. Trust is a MUST, it is one of the most important parts of relationships. I don't have to go through your phone and check it or ask you about things that are insignificant, nor will I. If you have something to say, I'll be all ears an if you have done anything, I promise to be as open-minded as I can. I don't want to do things that might put our bond at risk and I'm hoping the same from you. I don't expect you to restrict me from doing what I want,and living the way I want to,nor will I allow that but I expect you to support and guide me. You don't always have to tell me how everything should be done, or how to handle my life- I can, and will deal with mine and you with yours. We are individuals with freedom and will, but we are also a team that helps each other in all cases. Be my number one fan, we won't go and drag each other down, we should pull each other up instead. I don't expect you to follow my beliefs and principles in life, but I expect you to respect them. You may have different views from the way I see things, if that's the case, I want you to consider that i'm not forcing you to tke what I think is true and real, if your side is unlike my side, then I respect it that way, I respect you and your being. You don't have to change your beliefs just so you can fit into the liking of other people, just be you and be firm to what you stand for. I don't expect you to get too close or attached with my family or friends, but I do expect you to build a good relationship with them. The people who are closet to my heart play a BIG role in forming ther person I am. Letting you in means letting them know you, examine you, and mingle with you. You have to engage with these people in ways that can make good relationships. Nevertheless, know that I won't push you to like some of them if you don't want to, but at least have the nerve to show that you hold them high in regard. You need to realize they were here for me long before you were even around, and you'd be crazy to think they are going anywhere. I don't expect you to treat me like royalty, but I do expect you to put your best foot forward in effort to keep me. Expensive gifts, extravagant suprises, a dinner date at this fancy restaurant, or flowers every time you do something "wrong" and other stuff like that are way too much. Those things will just fade away and be forgotten in time, priceless gifts for me are the times we 're together, laughing and having no cares in the world. The littles things we do that makes our union a lot stronger, the sweetest love letters, you listening to my stories and bad days at work, the cute unexpected presents, and a lot more- those are the keys and aces to win me everytime. I don't expect you to be nice at al times, but I do expect you to talk it through and fix things that bother you. If we have to argue, let's do it for the sake of solving the problem and not just thinking of who will win or lose. Of course, it won't always be bright and sunny with you, there will be dim and gloomy days ahead. We can't avoid hurting each other, but let that hurt be a reminder that what we have is real, true and something worth fighting for. I don't expect you to stay away from colleagues of the opposite sex, but I dont expect you to know your limits and boundaries. Who am I to demand that you don't talk to other people outside of those we both know? I don't have any sort of control on the way you deal with people and I don't mind if you have plenty of friends of the opposite sex. As long as I know that your loyalty to me will not be jeopardized, that's enough for me. I don't expect you to know where we're going from the start, but I expect you to be in it for real. If you want to stay, stay until the end. If you want to leave, leave and don't ever come back. I don't have time for temporary feelings, temporary moments and temporary people. It's just a matter of staying or leaving, no in between. I don't expect you to be good all the time, but I expect you to show me the real you, show me what's inside- the concealed darkness, the past that affects your present, what ticks and keeps you going, every flaw and imperfection there is and all the things that cannot be seen by my bare eyes. I don't want the deceptions and disguises, I want the whole and real you, nothing more and nothing less.

[soul-fixerrr-blog]

To My “Almost”...

Dear You; I think it's important to note that I might have never known I was sleep walking through my life. I was blissfully content to believe that I was living fully, I made mistakes, stayed out too late, and loved the people around me, searched for adventure until my heart was full and I was happy, but then I met you, the almost. You were the almost because time was never on our side, even without my lack of commitment. So, for awhile we were almost dating, almost together, almost something that we never wanted to label. We were everything and nothing, convinced ourselves it was the only way. We said goodbye to this at 3:15 pm and I choked on all the words I wanted to say. You were better at the face to face, I always wished I were able to write it down first. So, I left you shut the door and walk away under the weight of being everything and nothing all at once, and I realized another problem- no one ever teaches you how to miss this kind of person. S0, now I miss you quietly and only in whispers. When I'm in my car, and the windows are rolled all the way down and the music is turned all the way up, I think of you and the weight of your absence is so heavy I almost think I can feel you in the passenger seat. I miss you whenever someone mentions Taco Bell, or when I'm twirling my hair in my fingers or whenever I remember the topic of one of those endless conversations that we never got to finish. I miss you after a really good laugh, and when I find myself stuck outside when it rains. You became the almost not for lack of moments, because there were plenty of those, but because there were other lives waiting for us to live and we met too close to the start of them. The thing about you is they leave you wishing for what still might be. You taught me about myself in ways I never knew possible. You are secrets and stories, and truths that are hard to swallow. You found me, and I hadn't even known I was lost. You are the chance I've yet to take and the hardest goodbye because of it. You have become the pages in a blog filled with all the words I couldn't find until it was too late and my, how I finally found the words and now they won't stop. Everything I should have told you when it made sense, like how I will never shy away from what I feel again because I've learned the importance of loving people while you have the chance, even if it isn't for as long as you'd hoped for, like the feeling of being free with you and knowing the comfortable silence of our two bodies in late afternoon, or like how I've found peace with the idea there is no way to know what would've become of us.

[soul-fixerrr-blog]

It feels wrong, you know. It feels wrong saying I’m ashamed of something that is, inherently, me.

I want to love you. I want to love the way you flow to maintain my vibrancy and my health, but I don't. I've tried- not as hard as I could have, but hard enough. I've looked at you, begging my mind to dig through the depths of insults and criticism, searching for some measure of appreciation for you, but it finds none. It discovered instead a deeper hatred for you and the way you let those marks etch themselves upon the skin that covers you, or the way you let yourself because an ocean of ripples when I walk. I love the ocean, but I don't love that ocean. I love being connected to the sea, with the sand and water mixing and melting in between my toes, but I hate being connected to you. I think there was a time in my life where I liked you, it definitely wasn't love, some form of infatuation, maybe. I loved the way you changed based on how I treated you. I loved the way you did what I asked in those years before betrayal. I fed you exactly 10 almonds for a snack and didn't let you have any carbs after 3 pm. There was this one day when you demanded more, I was in 11th grade and I had just come home from school, I grabbed an extra handful of something from pantry before you kept asking me for more, again and again until I couldn't resist your pleading. I caved before the tears let themselves seep from my defeated eyes, the salty proof that you had won staining my fair skin of my cheeks red. I looked at a nearly empty can of cashews in my hand as I wondered why I had let myself throw all my hard work away just because of you. I hated you so much in that moment, but I hated you more when you betrayed me in those years that followed. The betrayal- that's all I know to call it. If I called it anything else, it would be on me. I have too much pride for that. You gave me an ultimatum, life or death, and I chose life. That life wasn't what I thought it should have been, and that's why I can't love you right now. The life I thought I chose isn't the one I'm living, you transformed without my permission and became my greatest fear. I used to climb out of bed and into the closet, stepping on a scale that showed me a number I wasn't ashamed of. As you made that number grow higher, I began waking up earlier. I rose before the world was awake, groggy and exhausted and walked into that same closet. I didn't want the world to know what you had become. It feels wrong, you know? It feels wrong saying I'm ashamed of something that is, inherently, me. You and I are one, but I forget that. I separate myself from you sometimes, believing you might be the only one with anything to offer this world, I am merely your guest, living within the walls of your house until I can find a way out. Sometimes I start thinking about the way I treat you and how I wish I would treat you, and the disparity between those two things. If they could just coincide in your favor, body, if I could only love you that way I want to, with love and appreciation through the lenses of adoration, things would be different. We could do so much if we were only on the same team.

[soul-fixerrr-blog]

Just To Be Clear; My Big Heart Does Not Equal Weakness...

Once you get labeled "the girl with the big heart" people will react to you one of two ways. Some will tilt their heads, soften their features, and look at you like you're a helpless puppy. Others won't be as passive, they'll try to take advantage of your kind nature. Either way, you're seen as weak, Someone non-threatening, easily manipulated, or vulnerable. But what people don't realize is that just because I have a big heart doesn't mean I don't know how to protect it. I'll always help others who need someone to listen, to show love to someone who's in need, to be there for the ones I love through all the bumps and bruises but the minute someone tries to take advantage of me, or takes me for granted, I'll put an end to it. I know what I have to offer people, and I won't let anyone do wrong by this big heart of mine and I'll never apologize for that. I'm not perfect by any means, so sometimes, this big heart of mine can lead me astray. I'm clumsy in love and I fall too hard. Sometimes, it's a stubborn heart, refusing to walk away from relationships, even the ones bringing me down and other times, a naïve heart thinking that love can save people from brokenness, or fix problems. With a heart this big, it's no secret I've felt heartbreak but it also means I've lived and I've learned, I've grown stronger and my strength doesn't take away from my kindness. Being compassionate and strong at the same time is completely possible. I know how to live with conviction because I know what it's like for people to leave, for people to decide I am not good enough but the thing is with all the pain, I have learned how to love without condition. I have chosen to be honest with my heart, I know how to fight for those I love, and I know what it means to commit. I can be selfless, put my heart on the line for others, and show endless kindness to those I love, but that doesn't mean I don't know how to stand up for myself

[soul-fixerrr-blog]

I Don’t Need To Hear “ I Love You”, I Want You To Show Me..

Words are easily spoken, they make us feel good and create some comfort especially when it comes to love, hearing those three words for the first time can be truly exciting. But, as it is the case with all words, they are the unmanifested expressions of ideas and concepts, only our actions can make them real. It takes alot more than just words to truly love someone. Some people say they love us, but they do not act upon their words. Their actions do not coincide with their words. I dont wait for the day when you whisper in my ear that I mean everything to you, I wait for the day when I actually feel like I do. Words can be spoken just to please someone and promises can be made too, but feelings and emotions are a language of their own. People may doubt what you say, but they believe what you do and so many girls live for the day when someone professes their undying love, but I'd rather see it in your actions, than hear it. If you say you believe in us, how will I know it's true unless you show me? because it is easy to say you love me, but it's difficult to prove it. The challenge is the effort, not the declaration. Your empty words dont give me reassurance, and they shouldn't have to. I don't want to be reminded that your love is real, I want to know that it is because I'd rather suffer through never hearing those words spoken, than suffer hearing them and feeling insubstantial anyway. It's how you make me feel that really matters and sometimes it's more comfortable to not say anything at all. Whether it's out of fear or complacency, our comfort shouldn't have to come with words alone, words have to be backed up by actions because as good as words can feel, they can cause that much pain in return. Anyone can tell me that they love me, but you're the only one who should make me feel loved with your actions.

[soul-fixerrr-blog]

Dear Future Self...

Writting a letter to your future self  is an intimate act of self-love. It's a hopeful exercise that can help save you from deeper despair, or so they say. It's a declaration and a knowledge that every single second we have a new chance to start fresh. If you're feeling frustrated, uneasy or stressed anout life, my counseler says the self- exercise could help. So here's one I threw together  and pulled me back into the moment and helped me choose love over fear. Dear Future Me- I see you smiling, sitting so peacefully, you are simply in awe. You're looking at me, the younger and more naive, more determined, more self- righteous self. You have nothing but love and gratitude for me. You watch me cry on my living room floor, completely bored and unmotivated by life. You see that i am outraged at how stuck I feel. You watch me consumed by more depression tied to how large I've allowed my body to become, you see me struggle daily. You see the pain I carry around in my heart. You see my struggle, you see me have momentary outburts and cry in fits of rage, and you see that I make it through. You see that I'm okay. My pain, my struggles, my issues are not what define me. You see that I make it through this rough patch, and you know that I come out stronger, smarter and more self-aware than ever before. I see you smile with gratitude for al the lessions I am in the middle of, the gut wrenching painful moments of extreme self-hate, followed by harsh judgement and flurries of condescending words. You are proud to have them be a part of your past, you made it through and hold nothing but positive loving thought for yourself. Future Me, your energy and love is infectious. You have a knowing way about you that is wise, patient and graceful. You see that everything is always in the right order and that that I am going through right now is part of my bigger plan. It's as if you know that all of this turbulence and stress was divinely put into my life to help me become the person I need to be, the person that you ARE. Future self, I know that you're so proud of me for learning these lessons, for rolling up my sleeves and doing the work on myself that's required, for getting into the trenches of my own life to prepare me for my next chapter. You're oozing with awareness and you see that I am getting it, day by day, I am trying and I am learning. I choose to work toward you, and by taking responsibility for my life. You smile because you see that I get it, that the choices I make today affect you and your daily life in the future. You see that I am showing up and doing the best I can. You see that what may  feel like not enough, even a failure for me is more than enough in your eyes. You are proud and honored to have been me. Future Self, I see that somewhere between you and me, we have figured it out. I am so thankful that you take care of yourself every single day. I am so honored to become you. Future Self, the most powerful thing you are showing me is what is possible with our life. I can't wait to meet you. You are not defined by your problems, or any situation that you find yourself in. You ride the waves of life with such ease, it makes me want to catch up to you faster. I see that together we figure it out. I know that my life is a moment by moment web of intricate experiences and reactions that help me shape you. I am working to make myself better for you, for us. I am showing up for all scheduled hours, I am choosing to be happy and I am choosing to love openly and honestly. Future Self, I am going to take big risks because I know that you know that I, that WE, need me to. I am not going to settle EVER AGAIN. I am going to leap into the unknown and completely follow my heart. I am going to become the person you know i can be. Future Self, you are my guide and you show me what is possible for our life. You show me that no matter what life throes at us, we are stronger, smarter, healthier and more beautiful than ever, not because we rise above it al, though we do, but because we have the courage to keep going. Our experiences make us who are are. I choose t let my dreams and my successes define me, I release my problems and the attachments to keep me identifying with them. I am no longer weighed down by self-loathing thoughts. I choose to be happy. Future Self, you rock and I am so unbelievably proud I get to become you.

Love Forever, your younger, not-so-together, sad and overweight, yet doing the best she can and hopeful self.

[soul-fixerrr-blog]

Heaven Let Your Light Shine Down...

You know, your name itself comes from the english orgin and means lives by the sea. I think we could all agree that fits you perfectly, you loved the majestic deep blue ocean and it's waves crashing along the shoreline, the wind lightly blowing a gentle sea breeze through her hair, and the gritty feeling of hot sand on her bare feet, followed by intese coolness of the sea trickling her toes as she walked by the shoreline. A few weeks ago, I was sitting on the beach and it reminded me of the vacation I took with you and your family in Avalon. I believe that we all have fond memories of you that are connected to us so strongly and i'll always remember this vacation for the fact that it's one of our favorite memories to tell everyone exactly what we did. I can't tell you exactly what her brother and his friend did to make us mad, but I can tell you exactly what we did for payback, We got the brillant idea to hide dead crabs from the beach under their beds in the room while they were gone because how funny would that be when it stunk out te room they had to sleep in. So thankful to have such wonderful memories and pictures from this trip with them. You were such a strong person through and through from character, personality and presence. For me, you will always be with me, when I look back on my childhood so many of those great memories have you in them. You were the first person I wanted to tell any sort of news to, You were a great friend, the kind of friend that stands by you when you need somebody there. What will i remember about you? Your laugh, your love for your family, your love for your daughter, your kindness and general belief that everyone is good and means well. I will always remember how we use to stick a chuckie doll out the sunroof and windows of your car while driving around town antcipating all the reactions and crazy looks people were going to give us or the time we went to walmart with a friend of ours, and dressed up in the halloween costumes and did the "polio dancer" up towards the camera as our friend recorded us, you can still find that video on facebook somewhere, I laugh every time I come upon it. What will i miss the most? My friend, the person that I'd pick up the phone to call first, the person that I laugh and cry with, and the person whom I both mourn and celebrate. I will truly miss how you could make me laugh and cheer me up just by being yourself, and that's a trademark of yours, you always wanted to make people happy. Your death was sudden but your life was not faint, your legacy will live on through your daughter. I never saw your face light up more than when you spoke of your daughter. I remember receiving the phone call in the middle of the night, I simply couldn't allow myself to believe it. I has just had dinner a few weeks prior with you, your daughter and your parents. My heart dropped and I couldn't process a single thought. You were too young, but it slowly occured to me, I have realized that you indeed lived a life wonderfully. You were well-loved , and had done so much on this earth and I'm sure you'll do so much more in Heaven. I will forever be grateful to have known you, I will forever be grateful for spending the last 12 years of my life with a friend like you. We shared so many memories together, I wouldn't trade for the world any of it, good and bad. You were truly there for me no matter what situation I was going through and I like to think I was able to try my best  and do the same for you. You taught me more then I'm sure you even realized at the time. You will forever be missed, but I know in the right time, I will meet you again, we will all meet you again and you will make us laugh in tears. We were all very lucky to have had you in our lives and I know despite you no longer being here in body with us, we can all agree a part of you will ALWAYS be with us.

[soul-fixerrr-blog]

I am struggling, but you don't know..

I know this may seem stupid to you but to me, it's my entire life. You sit at the dinner table on holidays and talk about everyone else's day,accomplishments,and work but you never ask me. Instead you have a habit of turning to me and tell me everything I'm doing wrong. I'm sorry I'm not the kid that got accepted into a big name College. I'm sorry I'm not the one who can go out and get a job simply because you tell me to. I'm sorry I'm not living up to your expectations of me, but I am not sorry for telling you like it is. Trust me, I'm not writing this letter to you because I want your sympathy or attention, I'm writing this letter to you to make you understand someone you care about and love is struggling and she needs help. I am me. I am my own person, with my own set of goals and accomplishments I want to achieve in my life. In the beginning, it was easy to ignore what you were saying and fake laugh it off. As time went on, things only got worse. Just because I'm not an engineer, further my education to a higher degree, or a lawyer or anything else in this family does not mean I don't have a right to feel certain things. My anxiety is not an excuse, nor is it a made up thing. It is real. and it is crippling. Anxiety to me doesn't mean getting nervous for a few minutes and then it passes, it means my legs will break out in hives, I will feel like I can't breathe, uncontrollable crying at times, and shaking like I've experienced hypothermia, and my classic go to, chewing on the tops of my shirts neckline. In other words, I don't have  a nervous system, I am a nervous system. You all think I enjoy not being able to breathe when I don't have a blue pen to take notes with, or when I can't sit in the same room as someone. You think it's funny when I leave the room almost in tears because I cannot deal with the amount of pressure being put on me. I often wonder if you were in my shoes, any of you, if you could even make it through one day without wanting to lock yourself in your room and cry. The best part is none of you even see what you're doing to me, you shit there and say that I need to "suck it up". Well, here's a lesson for you, so pull up a chair. Anxiety is REAL, it is life changing and it by far the worst thing that can happen to a person. You guys use the term anxiety so often that is has no real meaning for you, I often shut down, go silent, disappear mid-conversation for no apparent reason. I constantly feel judged for this, and it hurts. Every time I get up to leave the room, you have no idea it's because I feel as though you guys don't want me there, that no one would really care if I was in the room or not and usually, you don't say anything to me when I leave, that's the most painful part. I hope that you guys can look in my eyes and see the pain and discomfort but no one cares enough to even do that.When you tell me to "take a deep breath and relax" you don't even understand that I have tried that a thousand times already, so don't think I'm ignoring your advice, I'm just trying to get you to understand. If I could stop my anxiety by taking a deep breath instead of having to take pills three times a day, I would. So PLEASE spare me the yelling to get over it, the disapproving looks and PLEASE start supporting me instead of putting me down. Depression isn't feeling just sadness, it's feeling hopeless, self-loathing, isolation, anxiety, sadness and you're at the emotional equivalent of watching paint dry. I feel like the odd one out, and you make it known that I am. I am not sorry for my illness, nor will I ever be, but I am sorry for you. I'm sorry that you do not know how to deal with something like this and I'm sorry that you make NO effort to understand it. Let me tell you this about depression...Depression isn't always crying your mascara off in the shower and playing sad songs on repeat in bed. Sometimes it's not wanting to talk to anyone for days and other times it's desperately needing to be around people. Sometimes depression is having no appetite even though you haven't eaten anything since yesterday and sometimes it's eating EVERYTHING you have in the fridge. Depression isn't your friend holding you and telling you that it's going to be okay, it's sitting across the table, not eating, having her ask what's wrong and knowing you're ruining her night because you can't seem to snap out of it and just be happy. It's a frustrating feeling of desperately wanting to enjoy something and just be normal for once. It's keeping things a secret from the people you love because you don't want them to look at you like you're broken. No, depression isn't beautiful black and white images, depression is lonely and frustrating and mostly just exhausting. I have moment where I think I'm over it and then I have others where I cry on the bathroom floor wondering why I wasn't good enough. You need to understand that someone's mental health is more important than a good grade, or being the most successful person in the family. Having anxiety and depression is like being scared and tired at the same time. It's the fear of failure but no urge to be productive, and it's wanting friends while hating socializing. It's like running a marathon with the willpower of a corpse because you want to get to the end but you also want to sleep and evaporate into the soil and become compost for snails and flowers because then at least you're useful. This is it, this I everything I've always been too afraid to say to you. I hope you read this and realize that his isn't a joke, and it's definitely not a game. I wrote this letter to you so you can understand what is going on in my mind. I hope after reading this you have a better understanding of why I do the things I do but no mater what happens, at the end of the day, I will always love you. I'm sorry if I let you down. Love, your loved one that's struggling.

[soul-fixerrr-blog]

Saying my final goodbye to the past..

Looking back, my life is great. It can be difficult and there are moments everyone wants to lay down and quit. Sometimes we get lost in those moments and we let them consume us, It feels like the world's working against us and there's no light at the end of the tunnel, but somehow we always wind up on the other side, every dark hour is followed by a great day and another beautiful memory. There are days when I'm a terrible pessimistic and I can't find a positive thought, and while we're often taught that looking back at our past is something we shouldn't do, I say screw that and dive deep one last time. Everyone has a past, some are a lot prettier than others. My past tends to be a little darker than most. I look back and i have been overly blessed with a great life. I have amazing and supportive parents that have worked their asses off helping me get to where I am today. I have a couple of amazing friends that allow me to be myself 110% and they let me confide in them. I have two loving cats who are laying on me as i type this, and the great thing is that they have no clue what I'm writing but they missed me this weekend and feel the need to purr in my face to show me an undying affection. I go to work at a job that I love, and pursuing this career that I am proud of. But with all that on the outside, this picture perfect life is far from it. I suffer from anxiety and depression, I've been pretty much as low as it gets. I've been treated like dirt by people I've loved and I was crushed in the process. I've lost myself trying to be what other people wanted me to be, but through this all I've become thankful. I'm thankful for all the friendships that fell through and didn't last. I'm thankful that you chose to not have me in your life anymore because it taught me how to pick out a true friend. It also taught me that not every friendship is meant to be cherished. I'm thankful for all the guys that's decided I wasn't the one they cared about. You made me realize that your attention is not important, and that one of the other girls you were playing games with is better for you. I'm thankful for all the sleepless night I sat up trying to solve problems that weren't mine. I'm thankful for the nights I cried myself to sleep, these were heartbreaking but they made me realize that's with each sunset, a new chance for success is there. I'm thankful for all the crappy jobs I've had because you helped me find my passion. Finally, I'm thankful for the first person that truly broke my heart. You showed me that love can be toxic but it is not suppose to be and that it is not something that you treat in a carefree manner. You taught me that I am greater and more worthy than I could have ever imagined. You helped me find my worth one tear at a time and lastly, you led me to know what and who I deserve. That person wasn't you. The funny thing about thanking your past is that you learn to take life in stride. Live each day to it's fullest and remain positive. I never once believed it when people told me that things get better with time, but now that I've experienced so much in such a short life, it's clear to see that we are challenged in an attempt to keep us grounded. Each hardship that we face is a way of knowing that an accomplishment is on the way and we have one lesson to learn, even though these experiences were hell to go through and I've felt so broken at times, it comes with a sense of comfort that they helped to shape me into the person I am today. We have to realize that everyone is fighting their own demons every day and sometimes we just have to be there for support. Love and courage will get you through your toughest hour and optimism is the only way to reach the light at the end of the tunnel. So, while it seems weird for me to thank the things and people that made parts of my past dark, it only seems suiting now that I've found the light.