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Welcome to my emotional kremlin. Feel free to laugh at my posts below. I feel no shame for being such a drama king. This, too, will pass. Come what may. I have nothing left to lose.

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Now I guess I have to say goodbye to everything, and for real this time. To make peace with our past, and to build a clearer future for both of us. You said you won't look back anymore, and so will i. So long and thanks for the once in a lifetime experience to be yours.

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Instigate

giving out so many vague hints like reflections in a field of smoke. all i know is that you have someone new, meanwhile i just carry myself alone not engaging at anything unnecessary. not that i care about your lovelife and all, and i hope you really get a man who will love you with all your heart and soul soon. but also lately, i've been discovering new things about you, too. like how you became a good player of a game we used to play that back then you absolutely have no idea how to. you immediately added me too, i couldn't even see you when you're playing, i couldn't even tell if it's really you that's playing. i had no guts to ask, simple reason is i don't want to initiate the talk anymore because i know you don't care, but now i'm so close to sliding in and asking things. like also asking about how i became a soul who deeply traumatized you. i know you know a very few Taurean in your life, and why is it me? i didn't even wanna mess with you but why would you say things that you can literally just do to avoid me instead? unfollow or block or just tell it straight to my face, and not wave signs and shoot me in the back. are we still friends? more than that? just nothing? are we just gonna be observers of our lives from now on and nothing's changing that? i'm almost wanting to talk to you about it, but i'll just put it here instead. so my curiosities would die here without ever sparking my unreasonable spite.

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feels like i'm doing time oh no, it's not like i'm in prison i'm just in my crappy state of mind

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and all i'll ever be, is just another distant memory

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a mortal wound to end all my soul's misery is what i deserve, not a slow agonizing torture crushing me everyday

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pain is what drives me to write down everything here. i couldn't, for the life of me, stay holding onto these ugly thoughts just running around in circles of my mind. so i release it here. you are allowed to hate me. i want to be hated for these reasons.

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there's a reason why the words "pain" and "insane" rhymes

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All that’s left are fading memories.

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Love is letting go.

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The world will always be unforgiving. It will ultimately teach you lessons through pain. And if you're not hurt enough, you'll live through the same hell again for you to realize the truth you have to learn.

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not @ past me, teaching me a lesson

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Hindi sana ako magkakaroon ng lakas ng loob, kung hindi ko sinunod ang payo ng dalawa kong kaibigan. Dalawang magkaibang payo o pananaw na nag-udyok sa'kin. Bukod sa pagkaexcite ko nung ako'y umamin na may gusto ako sa kanya, itong dalawang payo na ito ang nagsisilbing pinanghahawakan ko ng katapangan. Edi sana okay lang kami ngayon, kung pinagisipan ko ng mabuti ang lahat.

Yung unang payo sa'kin, galing sa babae kong kaibigan. Narinig lang nya kasi akong nakikipagusap sa isa kong tropa, tungkol sa kung mag-g-girlfriend ba ako. Sinabi ko kasi, na hindi ko pa kaya kasi marami akong obligasyon, marami akong pasanin. Tapos ang sabi ng babae kong kaibigan, 'di naman basehan ng pagkakaroon ng minamahal ang pagkakaroon ng pera o kakayahang pinansyal, tapos kinumpara nya ang sitwasyon nya sa pinaguusapan namin. At naiintindihan ko sya doon, kasi maganda nga ang samahan nila ng boyfriend nya na kaibigan ko din.

Yung pangalawang payo sa'kin, nagkwekwentuhan lang kami ng kaibigan ko sa production line. Sa tingin ko'y wala talaga sa katwiran kung bakit ko sinunod. Kung may gusto ka sa taong nakakasama mo palagi, loko lokohin mo ng kaunti. Yung tipong kapag nagflirt ka sa kanya ng bahagya, ay pahagingan mo din ng kaunti na may gusto ka sa kanya sa pabirong paraan. Huli ko nang nalaman na hindi pala talaga maganda ang epekto non sa'kin, dahil hindi ko kayang magsinungaling.

At huli ko nang nalaman ang lahat ng masisira ko kapag ginawa ko ang bagay na yon. Ngayon, ni kaibigan, di nya ako maituring. Dahil pakiramdam ko, talagang iwas na iwas na sya sakin. Pakiramdam ko rin na diring diri sya sakin, sapagkat kahit dumaan lang sya ng saglit sa pwesto ko ay tagong tago pa rin sya. Kahit na wala akong masamang intensyon, ganun na talaga ang tingin nya sa'kin. Wala nang lunas. Napakatanga ko kasi.

Hindi naman ganun kalalim ang nararamdaman ko eh, nadadala lang siguro ako ng mga nangangantyaw sa'kin, pero sa totoo lang, masaya syang kaibigan. Masaya syang kasama. Ang tanga ko lang sa part na nagsabi ako ng bagay na hindi naman talaga totoo, di ko pa naman sya ganun kagustong gusto. Wala din naman akong balak ligawan sya. Naexcite lang ako sa moment na yun. Walang dahilan na excitement, walang kasiguraduhan. Hindi ko na mababalik ang samahan namin, dahil sa katangahan kong di ko na siguro malilimutan.

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Another year aging. Hopefully, the next years of my life will be geared towards happiness, stability, prosperity and peace. I hope i could endure everything to keep moving forward in this life full of hardships. I hope it turns out that everything will be for the best. I got only myself, and that's enough. Down the road less traveled, i shall take my walk. I do not aim to prove anyone wrong, i only want to gain confidence and self-reliance.

To more calamities.

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The world will always be unforgiving. It will ultimately teach you lessons through pain. And if you're not hurt enough, you'll live through the same hell again for you to realize the truth you have to learn.

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I'm starting over.

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I just looked at her socials again and hurt myself more than i thought i could. I can see she's progressing like a normal human could, or maybe more than that, and i'm here left stuck in a rut of a lifetime. I am reminded that i am the reason why she has been held back in life, of happiness and progress. Now, she's only thriving in everything, in everyday life. It's not that i don't like it, it's just that i am aware now that i am the hindrance she was waiting to remove. I think she's really just better off with him, and without me.

Pain is like a drug to me, too, somehow. I'm addicted to inflicting pain to myself, that comes from you. That comes from the things you do happily without me, and that's probably why i'm bitter. I loved way too much, that's why i lost way too much.

Soon, she will take the next steps with him in the future, and i will only be left here wondering how fast life passed me by.

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I suppose she's already too far gone, she has moved lightyears away from everything about us. Now, i just look like a crazy weird clown who still carries a little hope that maybe someday it'll all be alright again. When in reality, she's already with someone else way greater than who i am. When will i ever learn that i should just get stronger and better for myself? All i do is think about them, and their time together, everyday living the dream. It makes me feel like a rotting, decaying, molding, abandoned old house.