so i know exactly how to piss my mom off and now that my humor has reached peak dumbass GenZ child™️ she doesn’t know how to react in anyway that isn’t anger - like this one time my mom was watching stranger things and the demagorgan in all of its glory came on the screen, so I naturally said “oh, that’s my son.” Now my mother takes no bullshit so very cooly- and bluntly I may add- she reply’s with “so that thing came out of your vagina?” A powerful statement that can only be countered by something with no logic and bad humor: I go, “you know, a child like that (the demagorgan) does not need to come from my womb to be mine, adoption is always an option.” Ok not bad, but I like taking things too far- pushing the bit until it’s not funny anymore- so I continue by saying “oh, but I called dibs.” She humors me by asking what (a mistake on her behalf, because with this inquiry I am greenlighted and can be put back on the bullshit), so I explain: “I called dibs, like it’s mine because I called it. Like you know when you’re playing Uno and someone calls Uno before you, and even if you are the one with the single card you still have to draw two? It’s like that, I called dibs and it’s mine.” We aren’t even on the subject of fucking Stranger Things anymore- oh no - we’ve stumbled down the Alice in Wonderland style rabbit hole that is the logic of this arguement, which is about to be pushed to the point of pissing my poor mother off. The show has been paused as if the silence of the room would give more room for thought in this thoughtless argument. Already the quick remark has progressed into a thirty minute almost argument, but I can’t stop. “Like, so if I burst into the delivery room of an expectant mother and father and the baby pops out and I’m the first one to call dibs, that child is legally mine. They have to fork it over, its mine now. That’s just the rules of dibs.” Now, my mother has, in the past, illustrated her deep set values in family and what a child means to her personally, so being the one child that has expressed no genuine interest in mothering children, she sees this as an opportunity to maybe sway my opinion by going on a rant about the bonds of motherhood and how rewarding it is and that’s all fine and dandy whatever. She steps from her soapbox by saying “if anyone ever tried to take my child, I would do anything in my power to stop them, no matter the cost.” A fine sentiment and a understandable one, but I am a known ruiner of all nice things and against her warning stare and my better judgement, I answer with a deep sigh and “but I called dibs though...” and that’s how I single handedly ruined an otherwise peaceful night just by opening my mouth and letting hot garbage spill out.
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