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[southernwidow]

[southernwidow]

The 5 year anniversary has now come and gone, and it was just as hard as the previous years. When does it get easier? Does it even get easier? Does it continue to feel like it gets harder and harder every year? This widow desperately needs a break, emotionally and mentally. But alas, this widow will continue to suck it up and bear the storm for the sake of her children, and to make sure they never see her down.

It would just be nice for things to get easier though. To be able to look back on old photos and videos, and to hear his voice and it not feel so raw like the day 1.

[southernwidow]

Today I was watching ‘Snow White’ with my children, and it gets to the scene where she is singing “some day my prince will come”. I know what you’re thinking, how is this going to relate to being a widow/widower? The song put my depressed little mind to thinking, that is how.

It has been almost 5 years have come and gone, and yet so many days feel like it was just yesterday when I joined this horrible club. Another year of missing my love; another year of the children missing their father; another year of him missing watching them grow up, and cheering them on with whatever they decide they want to do next. Another year of thinking about the what-ifs and the could have beens. Another year of thinking about all of the plans we had for the future and goals we wanted to achieve together. And another year of watching everyone around me being happy with their spouse or significant other. This life gets so depressing when you’re alone like this, even with friends and family around supporting you. You miss having that one that’s YOUR person, your absolute best friend, your number one fan, and your biggest supporter in life. A life that just isn’t fair.

I so often see many other widows/widowers that have found their second chance at love, and I cant help but ask God “when will it be my turn?”. I keep telling myself that I will just wait until my children are older, but DAMN it gets so lonely and depressing. But, I also just don’t know if I have it in me to put so much time and effort into another relationship and eventually another marriage. I don’t know if I will ever be able to find someone that loves me the way that my late husband did, or even more. If someone COULD even love me more than he did. I have had one failed relationship since my husband’s passing, and I just don’t know y’all, I just don’t know. The dating world isn’t the same as it was when my late husband and I met. There’s so many expectations these days. I also see so many stories from others in this horrible club that deal with such jealousy and control from their new partners or potential partners where they’re expected to forget about their late spouse, not have pictures of them up, not continue to remember them, celebrate their life, and even not continue to still love and miss them. Even those who end up being used by people who distinctly seek out widows and widowers because they think they’re sitting on a fortune from their spouse’s passing. Truly sickening.

While I am not actively searching, I still cant help but wonder when will MY Prince Charming come and sweep me off my feet, and help end this loneliness that eats away at me so often when I am laying awake at night? Someone to calm me down when it storms and tell me everything is going to be alright, to tell me I am doing a good job, or even reach the things on the top shelf that I cannot reach without a step ladder. Just a good man that is going to love me for me, accept me for me, accept my children, and accept the love I still have for my late spouse. Someone to bring joy to our lives and give my children that male figure in their lives that they need. A true partner in life again.

Maybe one day……

[southernwidow]

Fear

I’ve always known fear, but never like I have since becoming a widow. Fear of the unknown. Fear of the future. Fear of leaving this earth before my small children are grown. Fear of leaving my small children orphaned. These fears also fill me with a whole new level of anxiety. The constant worry, the constant lack of sleep from laying awake at night.

I recently-ish went in for a routine eye exam, just to find out that my optical nerves are swollen, and was referred to a specialist. The specialist did his examination of my eyes, and diagnosed me with IIH, Idiopathic Intracranial Hypertension. He said he was 99% sure it is IIH, and said that it is the cause for all of my really really awful and debilitating headaches, my vision deteriorating, the whooshing in my ears that sounds like my heart beat is in my ears, and everything else that has been going on.

But then here comes the big drop. “These symptoms also go alongside brain tumors, so we are going to have to send you in for a MRI with and without contrast to check for that before I can 100% say it is IIH. I am however, going to go ahead and prescribe you a diuretic so that we can go ahead and start treatingyou for IIH and the medication get in your system.”

Those words instantly sent me down a whole new road of fear. The fear of what if it is a brain tumor and not IIH? What if it is a brain tumor and I can’t come out on the bright side and leave my kids orphaned? Cancer runs bad on both sides of my family, and my aunt passed away due to a brain tumor when I was a teen. To say I am terrified that this is a brain tumor and not IIH would be an understatement.

I went in today for said MRI and it was awful. My claustrophobia kicked in with 7 minutes left of my MRI without contrast and I had to be pulled out to get some fresh breaths. The MRI with contrast was only 7 minute long but it felt like an hour. I won’t know until sometime next week what the results are, and the unknown is eating away at me.

If you’re experiencing any of the symptoms, please go get your eyes examined and get yourself checked out. Even if it hopefully isn’t a brain tumor, if IIH is left untreated it can lead to total loss of vision.

[southernwidow]

The loss of a spouses. Something so many of us thought we would never have to endure, at least not so soon. There’s no books, no class, absolutely nothing that will prepare you for the loss of your spouse. Nothing prepares you for that last goodbye, or the lack of a goodbye for those of us that didn’t get that chance. Nothing prepares you for the journey that is grief, and learning to live this life without our loves. The one that we were planning our future with. The one that we made/were making a home with. The one that we made/were planning a family with. Nothing prepares us to help our children endure the journey of the loss of a parent, how to navigate their emotions. Having to tell them their mommy/daddy isn’t coming home, and explaining to them why when the questions begin to arise. Nothing prepares those who end up having in laws who begin to wreak absolute havoc on their lives once their spouse passes, when they’re already facing a horrid storm.

“Things will get better.” Things don’t always get better, we just learn to live with it. The grief hits you out of nowhere, no matter what stage you’re in, like that surprise pop quiz in high school you weren’t prepared for because well, you wasn’t expecting it. We simply, but slowly, learn to handle it better. Well, as well as we can. Grief comes in waves, and like the waves in the ocean, grief is ever changing. Something that triggered our grief in the beginning of our journey may not trigger us in the future, while something new in our future will now trigger the grief where as it didn’t in the past. Whether it be a scent, a memory, a material item, a word, or even a quick glimpse of someone out of our peripheral vision that resembles our late loves.

“One day you’ll move on, and someone new will come along.” I have heard this so many times, and each time it irks me just as much as it did the first time. Irk is honestly putting it lightly. I will never understand how someone can tell a widow/ widower that we will one day move on. The loss of a spouse isn’t something we simply move on from. This was a breakup, this wasn’t a divorce. We had absolutely no choice in this. I would have much rather went through a divorce with my husband than lose him. At least then I would still be able to see his face and hear his voice, and my children would still have their father. Instead, I only see his face in picture and in the faces of my children, and I only hear his voice in old videos that pop up in my memories on Facebook and what is on my phone that I haven’t lost over the years. But even then, it will never be the same as getting to see his face again or hear his voice in person. It won’t be the same as him coming home to me and our children. It won’t be the same as his arms around me, or hearing HIS snoring at night. I’d give anything to hear his awful snoring one last time. I’d give anything to hear him tell me that he loves me one more time, or one of his silly little phrases.