
blake kathryn

Kiana Khansmith
taylor price
No title available
No title available
we're not kids anymore.
Misplaced Lens Cap
noise dept.
trying on a metaphor

Love Begins
Sweet Seals For You, Always
styofa doing anything

PR's Tumblrdome
Claire Keane

Discoholic đȘ©
Xuebing Du
Show & Tell

romaâ
NASA
ojovivo
seen from India

seen from Canada
seen from United States

seen from Greece

seen from Malaysia
seen from Spain

seen from Germany
seen from TĂŒrkiye
seen from United States
seen from TĂŒrkiye
seen from Brazil
seen from Mexico

seen from Belgium

seen from Malaysia
seen from United States

seen from United Arab Emirates

seen from United Kingdom
seen from United States

seen from Canada

seen from Canada
@southernwidow
The 5 year anniversary has now come and gone, and it was just as hard as the previous years. When does it get easier? Does it even get easier? Does it continue to feel like it gets harder and harder every year? This widow desperately needs a break, emotionally and mentally. But alas, this widow will continue to suck it up and bear the storm for the sake of her children, and to make sure they never see her down.
It would just be nice for things to get easier though. To be able to look back on old photos and videos, and to hear his voice and it not feel so raw like the day 1.
Today I was watching âSnow Whiteâ with my children, and it gets to the scene where she is singing âsome day my prince will comeâ. I know what youâre thinking, how is this going to relate to being a widow/widower? The song put my depressed little mind to thinking, that is how.
It has been almost 5 years have come and gone, and yet so many days feel like it was just yesterday when I joined this horrible club. Another year of missing my love; another year of the children missing their father; another year of him missing watching them grow up, and cheering them on with whatever they decide they want to do next. Another year of thinking about the what-ifs and the could have beens. Another year of thinking about all of the plans we had for the future and goals we wanted to achieve together. And another year of watching everyone around me being happy with their spouse or significant other. This life gets so depressing when youâre alone like this, even with friends and family around supporting you. You miss having that one thatâs YOUR person, your absolute best friend, your number one fan, and your biggest supporter in life. A life that just isnât fair.
I so often see many other widows/widowers that have found their second chance at love, and I cant help but ask God âwhen will it be my turn?â. I keep telling myself that I will just wait until my children are older, but DAMN it gets so lonely and depressing. But, I also just donât know if I have it in me to put so much time and effort into another relationship and eventually another marriage. I donât know if I will ever be able to find someone that loves me the way that my late husband did, or even more. If someone COULD even love me more than he did. I have had one failed relationship since my husbandâs passing, and I just donât know yâall, I just donât know. The dating world isnât the same as it was when my late husband and I met. Thereâs so many expectations these days. I also see so many stories from others in this horrible club that deal with such jealousy and control from their new partners or potential partners where theyâre expected to forget about their late spouse, not have pictures of them up, not continue to remember them, celebrate their life, and even not continue to still love and miss them. Even those who end up being used by people who distinctly seek out widows and widowers because they think theyâre sitting on a fortune from their spouseâs passing. Truly sickening.
While I am not actively searching, I still cant help but wonder when will MY Prince Charming come and sweep me off my feet, and help end this loneliness that eats away at me so often when I am laying awake at night? Someone to calm me down when it storms and tell me everything is going to be alright, to tell me I am doing a good job, or even reach the things on the top shelf that I cannot reach without a step ladder. Just a good man that is going to love me for me, accept me for me, accept my children, and accept the love I still have for my late spouse. Someone to bring joy to our lives and give my children that male figure in their lives that they need. A true partner in life again.
Maybe one dayâŠâŠ
Fear
Iâve always known fear, but never like I have since becoming a widow. Fear of the unknown. Fear of the future. Fear of leaving this earth before my small children are grown. Fear of leaving my small children orphaned. These fears also fill me with a whole new level of anxiety. The constant worry, the constant lack of sleep from laying awake at night.
I recently-ish went in for a routine eye exam, just to find out that my optical nerves are swollen, and was referred to a specialist. The specialist did his examination of my eyes, and diagnosed me with IIH, Idiopathic Intracranial Hypertension. He said he was 99% sure it is IIH, and said that it is the cause for all of my really really awful and debilitating headaches, my vision deteriorating, the whooshing in my ears that sounds like my heart beat is in my ears, and everything else that has been going on.
But then here comes the big drop. âThese symptoms also go alongside brain tumors, so we are going to have to send you in for a MRI with and without contrast to check for that before I can 100% say it is IIH. I am however, going to go ahead and prescribe you a diuretic so that we can go ahead and start treatingyou for IIH and the medication get in your system.â
Those words instantly sent me down a whole new road of fear. The fear of what if it is a brain tumor and not IIH? What if it is a brain tumor and I canât come out on the bright side and leave my kids orphaned? Cancer runs bad on both sides of my family, and my aunt passed away due to a brain tumor when I was a teen. To say I am terrified that this is a brain tumor and not IIH would be an understatement.
I went in today for said MRI and it was awful. My claustrophobia kicked in with 7 minutes left of my MRI without contrast and I had to be pulled out to get some fresh breaths. The MRI with contrast was only 7 minute long but it felt like an hour. I wonât know until sometime next week what the results are, and the unknown is eating away at me.
If youâre experiencing any of the symptoms, please go get your eyes examined and get yourself checked out. Even if it hopefully isnât a brain tumor, if IIH is left untreated it can lead to total loss of vision.
The loss of a spouses. Something so many of us thought we would never have to endure, at least not so soon. Thereâs no books, no class, absolutely nothing that will prepare you for the loss of your spouse. Nothing prepares you for that last goodbye, or the lack of a goodbye for those of us that didnât get that chance. Nothing prepares you for the journey that is grief, and learning to live this life without our loves. The one that we were planning our future with. The one that we made/were making a home with. The one that we made/were planning a family with. Nothing prepares us to help our children endure the journey of the loss of a parent, how to navigate their emotions. Having to tell them their mommy/daddy isnât coming home, and explaining to them why when the questions begin to arise. Nothing prepares those who end up having in laws who begin to wreak absolute havoc on their lives once their spouse passes, when theyâre already facing a horrid storm.
âThings will get better.â Things donât always get better, we just learn to live with it. The grief hits you out of nowhere, no matter what stage youâre in, like that surprise pop quiz in high school you werenât prepared for because well, you wasnât expecting it. We simply, but slowly, learn to handle it better. Well, as well as we can. Grief comes in waves, and like the waves in the ocean, grief is ever changing. Something that triggered our grief in the beginning of our journey may not trigger us in the future, while something new in our future will now trigger the grief where as it didnât in the past. Whether it be a scent, a memory, a material item, a word, or even a quick glimpse of someone out of our peripheral vision that resembles our late loves.
âOne day youâll move on, and someone new will come along.â I have heard this so many times, and each time it irks me just as much as it did the first time. Irk is honestly putting it lightly. I will never understand how someone can tell a widow/ widower that we will one day move on. The loss of a spouse isnât something we simply move on from. This was a breakup, this wasnât a divorce. We had absolutely no choice in this. I would have much rather went through a divorce with my husband than lose him. At least then I would still be able to see his face and hear his voice, and my children would still have their father. Instead, I only see his face in picture and in the faces of my children, and I only hear his voice in old videos that pop up in my memories on Facebook and what is on my phone that I havenât lost over the years. But even then, it will never be the same as getting to see his face again or hear his voice in person. It wonât be the same as him coming home to me and our children. It wonât be the same as his arms around me, or hearing HIS snoring at night. Iâd give anything to hear his awful snoring one last time. Iâd give anything to hear him tell me that he loves me one more time, or one of his silly little phrases.