Six months ago, I came here on a mental breakdown. It was five days after I found out. I was trying to understand feelings which are then so foreign to me. I was mad and frustrated at myself. I wanted to run and scream. But to where? And what will I scream? I had no idea. All I knew was at that time, it was going to be a difficult year.
Six months later? It was a wake up call. It reminded me that nothing is permanent and that I should not be investing feelings in such a place and the people in it. It does not define who I am. It is not my world even if it demands to be. I wouldn’t have been as mad, sad and frustrated as I was back then if I was conscious of this. Whatever I found out back then was only the trigger; the breakdown was long overdue after all the previous events that happened in that same year.
And for the first time in three years, I finally started living. This isn’t to say that I haven’t been living well for the past years; but I guess, this year, I started living and detaching. And maybe, I’m starting to discover my worth - that this place and the people in it isn’t the be all and end all of everything. There is a big world out there. There are so many exciting opportunities in this life that I know are waiting for me. Ironically, this mindset doesn’t make me hate where I am now - surprisingly, it even helped me appreciate where I am in a healthier and detached way.
So I started living - I got back into fangirling, watched plays and started taking care of myself. Sometimes, I’m scared that it’s just a distraction from what I’m feeling and what I’m about to face but honestly, it did help me cope a lot. Realizing that I could be happier in so many other ways and forms helped me accept that happiness does not come in just the form of one person. Or of a place or the validation that comes with it.
Every now and then, there is still that anxiety of separation and the ache in my chest that I’ve felt six months ago - that I will be in that place and you wouldn’t be in it. And that I wouldn’t know how to start over again. But for the past six months, there are so many moments when I thought, “Oh, I could do it alone.” There are so many moments when I realized that I can move forward without confiding, without ranting and without depending on you. And I am very grateful for that because those are moments of growth. I have to let you go (along with all of my self-doubt) because I have to grow. (Of course, I’m the main character.)
The only comfort I have is I know we may just be on the same page - that some way, somehow, you feel as sad as I do. But I haven’t cried since six months ago - and it’s not because I’m sad, but because I understand why you have to go away. And I’m very very happy for you. And I’m very grateful to have met you.
And that is why I’m not even sure if I have to make another entry because I just dismissed my entry six months ago as a result of a shock and a mental breakdown and because I feel more okay now. But I want to close this chapter of my life. And as I’ve always said since I started blogging, blog entries always mark the chapters of my life.
I wish you all the best. I will always miss you. Thank you for everything.
jbbartram-illu
prguitarman
baratheonpilled
tangentwithtanner
