Essential Embodiment of Sozina Pen

The concept of impermanence follows every situation I run into. There are only certain circumstances where things permanently begin or end, and that's still questionable. I can handle the good as I can handle the bad. I am my own Buddha.

[sozina]

Little Love

In the moments when you are staring at yourself in the mirror, how do you see yourself? Would you recognize yourself outside of your inner reflections? 

[sozina]

Evolving love

I saw the cutest expression of love the other day, it made me say #relationshipgoals in my head like a fool. There was an older couple, well into their seventies. The gentleman held his wife’s hand and curiously explored the mall’s photobooth machine while the wife rolled her eyes, as if to say, “Another one?” He dragged her in and they took pictures together, to encapsulate the moment and their love once again. 

I just love that, it makes me smile. 

[sozina]

Where did one year go?

Well, January 2019...where did the time go? 

I spent the most of 2018 writing in my journals...felt that it was a nice break.

But the ability to catalogue my thoughts here sounds nice these days. It seems to be a pattern...while AOL was (is? around...I know there are some people out there with AOL and those damn CDs), I wrote in many journals/notebooks and then I found Xanga. Ha, those were some silly teenage angsty notes. 

Ultimately, I am here. Are you?

[sozina]

Day 8: Got that loving kindness?

Be your own greatest fan.

You want a mantra. Here it is:

Breathe in: You are everything you need to be at this moment.

Breath out: All the thoughts that no longer serve you and all the negative energy that surrounds you, please respectively leave. 

[sozina]

Day 7: Let’s get physical

What physical activity energizes you when your battery feels low.

Stretching. Especially in beautiful places. 

[sozina]

Day 6: Selfie Time

Look into the lens and allow yourself to be seen.

It’s not going to help today.

But, what I do love about myself is my bravery to follow my intuition and push myself into an uncomfortable space in order to grow and prosper into the beautiful human I am today. 

[sozina]

Day 5: Get inspired

Create or share an expression of art that brings you joy and inspires you.

I had been feeling a little bit discouraged and complacent with work. I constantly felt overworked and overwhelmed in the day to day expectations, that I forgot to look up and see the overall good impact I have on the world. It’s so easy to lose track and microscope over the minute details that the bigger picture gets so foggy. 

This quote resonates so profoundly...

“I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” Maya Angelou

Taking a moment to reflect, I have impacted lives for the better and I truly believe I am a good force in the world. 

[sozina]

Day 4

Reframe your thoughts. Choose a limiting belief and turn it around.

Today, I challenge the self limiting belief regarding my external body. Right now, I’m in a period where I don’t like the way I look in the mirror, or how clothes cling to my body. Nor do I like the idea of buying a size up or items that make me look like a bloated whale behind a sheet. These are those self deprecating woes that doesn’t serve me or anyone else around me.

Today, I worked out, ate right and spoke with a personal trainer that provided me with such enlightenment. I felt really good after we spoke. I think finding a routine was one of the hardest things for me because of my work/obligation schedule and also because I am the Master of Procrastination and a servant of Instant Gratification. But I can’t survive this way. Rather, it’s important for me to recognize when I am pushing things off and to say fuck it, I’m gonna do it now.

I want that 100% always beach ready body and I’m going to have it. Actually, I just want to feel stronger, with more endurance and stamina...but beach ready would be a plus.

[sozina]

Day 3: Look a little deeper

Alright, so I fell of the bus real quick and I think it’s worth while to examine why. I don’t think I had the right tools to examine myself a few weeks ago when I started the challenge, but look who turned the light back on?

How am I willing to see myself?

I see myself in three forms, mind, body, and spirit. At this point, I do not think the entities are truly united while they are connected and interwoven. It’s not quite the symbiotic relationship that I would like to see myself have. But that’s okay, it’s definitely a work in progress. I think I spent so much of my energy being spread thinly for a long time, that I forgot what it was like to be in my skin, and thinking for myself and really asking myself, “What do I need? What is beneficial to me? What do I want and does this really serve me? How can I be the best version of myself?” It’s by making time for myself, reconfiguring my goals into something that is sustainable. Actually committing to something for once, and that is myself and my future.

So, here’s the action plan. Go into an ICU. I think having a good work environment, one that I like, one that is challenging, one that refocuses and may help bring me back to the excitement I once had when learning and first becoming a nurse, or first getting into travel nursing. I do love my job, even though I grunt and mumble most of the time, but I don’t like what I am doing right now. I think it took a lot of time to realize that, even though I had been hearing it out loud for some time. But there, I said it and I wrote it down. It’s tangible and out for the universe to hear.

Second goal of the action plan is to get healthier. Working out, shaping up and not making any more excuses. My hold up is that I don’t have a good routine, and I lack self control and self discipline. Or rather, I’m rebellious and spending useful energy in the wrong ways. I know I have it in me to be the person I want to see. So, take fucking action and I am.

I know what will make my spirit sing again. It’s reconnecting with nature. It’s spending time with my family, friends and dog. It’s laughing, dancing and flailing to a sick beat. It’s finding a hobby that I love. It’s about meditating and praying. It’s finding a music album, learning all the words and singing it out loud. It’s about leaving my self consciousness behind, and letting my true self free by accepting both the positive and negative characteristics, forgiving myself and saying, “It’s okay.” By loving the duality that is me and learning how to tame the beast that is indecisiveness who rides on the backs of procrastination, confusion and poor commitment skills.

I am also willing to see myself as someone who finds strength from vulnerability. My empathy for others is as large as my embrace and my resilience is as strong as the trunk of a Baobab tree. While, there is a lot for me to learn, I know that I am a good nurse. I am a good friend. I am beautiful and I am worthy. I am a beacon of light. 

[sozina]

Day 2: Anchor with an altar- Make an altar to anchor the new Light coming into your life.

So, the only place I could think of to create an altar was on this book shelf…has to be high enough that the doggie doesn’t get any crazy ideas to munch on my stuff. It was a lot of fun to create this sacred space, it’s a collection of things that I enjoy. The first shelf has items from Senegal from when my mom traveled abroad for college. I don’t know if she misses these items, but I took them when I moved out of the house years ago. I think she went to Africa…oh man, decades ago…but anyways, I’ve always taken a liking to them, so here they are. The journal on the top, with an interesting spine came from a bookstore in Pike’s place. It reminds me of an old book, one that I would pick up based on first impressions. I wrote a drunk entry in it tonight :). The picture frame is from a dear friend, she gave it to me before I left for Seattle. It’s a picture of most of my home friends.

On the second shelf has all of my rocks, my Buddha and Ganesha figures and pictures of people who I care for deeply. It has a sea shell from a previous altar that I found. Now I’m not one to pick apart someone’s altar, but it was at the beach and one of the environmental gals were going to toss it out…so, rather than see a perfectly good shell find it’s demise in the trash, I picked it up, and it’s now found a new home with me.  There is a box made from some of the marble from/near? the Taj Mahal, and a necklace from India that the boy gave me from his Indian travels. Lastly, the bracelet my sister and I share sits upon this box, and it helps me feel connected with her. I am her big dipper as she is my little dipper.

I’m happy with how the altar turned out. I think it’s beautiful and its the first time I’ve invested in bringing my home alive with some of my own creativity, or filled it with something that speaks volumes about who I am. It’s no longer just a space I live in, but a space that represents me.

[sozina]

14 days

Fourteen day writing course to correspond with the “Own Your Light”-Self-Empowerment Challenge, I accept.

Set your intention: What do you want to take away from your experience?

My intention would be to rediscover my passion, whatever makes me happy and helps balance life/work. I spent a lot of time within the last couple years tearing things from the seams, I suppose it’s time to put pieces back together to make a whole, new version of myself, one that I can stand behind and say, “Yep. I love this, I love what I’m doing and it corresponds with my core values/beliefs.” Perhaps, it’s not so much a dissatisfaction with work, but rather coming up with hobbies to decompress from reality, something that is meditative and realigns my whole body (mind, body, and spirit).

I like to think, and I’ve said this before, that while 2016 was a year for tearing down walls and removing things from my life that no longer serve my highest good, 2017 is for rebuilding, and cultivating a life that I find pleasure and contentment with. So here we are.

I’ve been stunned by the question, “What are your interests?” Such a simple question, but it brings such existential feels, I’m almost always at a loss for words. I stutter and stammer and usually mention something about being a dog momma, and that I spend a lot of time focusing on my fur baby. Right now, we are working through therapy and training, to reduce her anxiety, dominance behaviors and boundary issues. It takes a lot of my energy, because in order for her to be social, she needs to be exhausted both physically and mentally, I’d like for her to be well-mannered enough to start agility classes. The move and transitioning from different homes were very tough for her, especially during her teenage years...it’s like all the training she had is out the window. Nonetheless, she is a good dog. Ok...tangent. 

So I’ve developed a list of things I am interested in:

-writing, learning songs and nailing the lyrics so I can have solo car concerts, yoga, being a good dog momma, walking/hiking, swimming/kayaking, playing the uke, seeing new places, drinking wine and socializing, seeing plays/musicals/concerts, collecting rocks, drawing random shit, coloring random shit.

Today, I bought a wood-burning kit...that’ll be neat. I should also redecorate my apartment, but one thing at a time.

There, the intention is set, what I would like to take away from the experience is all here, maybe not in the most coherent fashion, but all here. Maybe, working on organizing myself would be good too. #lifegoals.

Thanks for the pictures, internet.

[sozina]

The light is on and someone is home

Whether I’m finally putting the pieces together with the guidance of the light from the life activation and/or peak hormone levels, needless to say, today was an emotional day. Almost to the day-one year ago, I felt lost, clouded by negativity and uncertainty. I couldn’t recognize myself and I didn’t like how I felt especially when I could feel the rage burn inside of me and filtered its way into my work. The sludge was overwhelming.

Last year, one I will dub, “Transformative 2016″, I can honestly say, I am much happier. There were wounds that took me until now to address and heal. The work is ongoing, but today feels like progress. It’s so interesting to me that my past feels like it works in circles and often experiences mirror themselves. Today, I feel the love I thought I lost forever, both from myself and from my significant other. This brings me strength to know that the choices I made in 2016 that appeared disruptive and encouraged me to be vulnerable in the face of the unknown was ultimately worthwhile. The feeling of independence proves to me that I have the courage to stand on my feet and keep moving forward. That the journey of breaking down the safe/stable east coast walls was necessary to my development.

[sozina]

Separation vs obsession

The key to a healthy relationship is healthy boundaries. It fosters sustainability and minimizes co-dependence. I think that’s what I need in order to have a nourishing and lasting relationship. It’s so tempting to spend all of your time with your significant other, but it’s so easy to lose yourself in this kind of relationship.

I finally see the different versions of my heart and myself again, that I don’t want to be clouded again. The light of my soul and spirituality depends on it.

The conversation I had last night, although it yielded what my physical body yearned to hear, it was only an affirmation of what my subconscious and conscious body felt. You’re right. I went fishing in order to satisfy my immediate gratifying needs, and while a small part of me feels like I cheated by urging it out, your voice soothes this notion, especially when it’s supported by deep feelings.

I like that you encourage better versions of myself to develop, and I urge you to do the same.

[sozina]

[sozina]

The demons that no longer offend me

I’m ready to let go of the anger and animosity. Whether I have forgiven you or not is irrelevant, in the grand scheme, it does not matter. We are passengers on the train and it’s time for me to leave.

But before I go, I’m moving to Google central with my beautiful fur baby. We will live happily.

Good bye.

[sozina]

Essences of a good day

When you find the perfect outfit on sale, receive confirmation that your love interest is also interested and then "Bohemian Rhapsody" plays on the radio. Can someone wipe this smile off my face? It's starting to hurt.

[sozina]

Distant lovers

You are my Marv as I am your Sweetest Woman.

Are we writing a new chapter in our story, or revisiting the parts that hurt us so badly before? There’s a daunting fear that I will fall so dangerously close in love with you again to only have the past kick dirt into my eyes.

So, the question begs, what are we doing here?

Time will tell. And if I’m going at my normal pace, it’ll take about two years for me to realize if I’m sincere or if it’s just a phase.