I am not here @space-con-archive - Tumblr Blog

Hello. It's been many years since I've logged into this tumblr account, but recent events urge me to reach out on every platform I have to speak. I don't know how many followers are left on this long since unused account, or how many of those are bots, but for those that are left, I appreciate you. Not for staying with this account (because again, it's unused and I have other platforms I use now). But for existing. I moved very recently. I moved from the deep south to the PNW, to be with the majority of my friends and with my partner. In my time away from this account I solidified that I do have depression, as well as a conditioned BPD that made what happened to me when I left this account much more painful than it would be to those without BPD, which likely made me look and appear abusive and controlling. Please, if you haven't heard of BPD before, look up its symptoms and the stories of people who have it. (Alternatively, do Not look up how to live with someone diagnosed with it. They are 99% of the time biased and ableist and ignorant.) And ultimately, it comes down to this: I moved not only to be with my partner and friends, but to stop being afraid. I wanted to learn to love myself, something that depression and BPD make nearly impossible, something that being ace and trans make a monumental task in the deep south. I've been here for a week and I was learning to be okay with merely existing. After the events of last night and some news reports from this morning, I'm afraid again. I'm afraid for myself, for my partner, and for all of my friends and all of you. I'm asking, on this day, to please be kind to each other. Please stand up for those whose voice is drowned out, fight for people whose rights are in question, whose lives are in danger. While this man may not have the actual political power to do the things he promised, his followers and supporters have every possibile physical way of doing whatever they want. Half the country just told them they can and get away with it. I likely won't log back into this account, but I do use my twitter very frequently if you need someone to talk to or vent there. If you don't feel comfortable talking to me but are afraid and scared and need someone, please don't hesitate to reach out to those you do feel safe with. Look after each other.

I've been gone from this tumblr for almost four months now. There were a series of events that led to this decision (at first a kneejerk reaction, but is now a permanent choice). Before I go into those things, I must write down a necessary request here:

Do not reblog this post

This is an extremely personal post. I've written, edited, re-written, deleted, written again multiple times over the last few weeks, simply because my anxiety and fear have kept me second-guessing sharing this story with anyone publicly.

I have been assured multiple times that it's okay for me to talk about. I've been assured multiple times that it's okay if I don't talk about it. Ultimately, I want to share this so there is clarity and transparency on my part.

As such, I also need to put warnings here for the following: #suicide ideations tw, #suicide attempt tw, #abuse tw, #depression tw.

Four years ago, my grandmother passed away. I was closer to my grandmother than anyone I knew; while I didn't tell her everything, I felt safer in her presence than anywhere else. Her passing happened very quickly under very stressful circumstances I still cannot talk about. Her funeral was also very quick and the family was not kind to my mother (divorced daughter-in-law) and me. The situation at the time was rough and aggressive and raw and painful and I do not look back at any of those times with any sort of fondness or ease.

In late May to the beginning of June of this year, my depression started spiking, my brain remembering this anniversary and what it meant and what I'd lost. I don't feel safe with many people. I can count the number of safe people in my life on one hand with fingers to spare. My boyfriend is one of them, but our schedules are rarely compatible for me to go to him for long discussions or to help with my depression and anxiety. Blu was my best friend and one of the first two people I would go to to feel safe. At that time, Blu was not available for me to go to. Blu had gotten to the point where long-term instant contact (like messengers) were overstimulating them and shut themselves to just tumblr and occasionally email.

I tried to find other outlets for my depression, most of it honesty hour-type posts to tumblr. Gradually I shut myself in more and more, only making myself get out of bed for work and to go to the bathroom. I had suicide ideations in late June/early July and tried to reach out, but was simply told I should "try to sleep?". I did try to kill myself in late July. It was too much. Depression and anxiety, stress from being pushed to decide on what school I was going to go to and what I wanted to get a license in and when I wanted to start, self-hate for what happened that night four years ago, self-hate because I'd shut myself away from friends and thus felt worthless with no interaction. I sank lower and lower. My expressions became more passive aggressive; I would then turn around and hate myself more for being passive aggressive at all.

Late July, I tried reaching out to Blu more, for anything, any kind of contact or conversation, only to be brushed off or shut down after a single response. It hurt. I kept trying. Because I saw them brush me off but were okay doing things with other people. It was very obvious something was wrong with our friendship and I wanted to fix it. I wanted to be okay with them again because they were one of the few stable things in my life (next to work, boyfriend, and meatspace best friend).

At the start of August, I reached out over email, asking if we could please talk and air out whatever this was between us. It took about a week for us to both be in headspaces we could handle a conversation like that, the emails are as follows:

1. 2. 3. 4. 5.

I was hurt, but if that's what they needed for us to be okay again, then I'd be willing to do it. I still kept my tumblr activity here to a minimum. I think I tagged Blu into one post because I thought it was something they'd be interested in. But I left them well enough alone, gave them their space.

Five days later, Blu sent this email without any provocation.

I broke down. Literally everything stopped because that was it. I couldn't handle anymore. What little self-worth I'd managed to build back up by that point was immediately shot down to nothing: if my best friend of five years could decide that my depression wasn't worth sticking around through, what good was I? How horrible must I have been without realizing it to make this happen? I was in the midst of a conversation with a mutual uninvolved friend when it happened; they and my boyfriend asked what had just happened because I was beyond not-okay. I forwarded our emails to them and they came back to me an hour later to tell me I hadn't done anything wrong. That what Blu had done was selfish and I had done nothing to deserve that.

I left this tumblr. This URL is too attached to my friendship with Blu and the things we'd done together since we joined together. I tried logging in once to find a message in my inbox and that alone sent me into an anxiety attack. For weeks afterward, I'd wake up and would be sobbing before my feet even touched the floor. I broke down at work several times in my head trainer's office. At the end of the day, I'd cry myself to sleep. I spent months terrified of talking to anyone -- too terrified to talk to my friends, my family, strangers. What if I ruined them too? What if I did or said something without realizing it and ruined that relationship beyond repair? I couldn't handle it. I couldn't risk that, so I kept shutting myself away whenever I had the chance.

I was told a couple months later that Blu was telling people I had been controlling and abusive about our friendship and that's why they'd broken it off. I forwarded our email conversation to a few other safe friends and they said there was no such conduct from me there. I dug up posts from those months in a further attempt to prove my guilt, to show that yes I did deserve this, but they said there was nothing there that I'd done wrong. That what Blu had done was mentally abusive and wrong. I was told that this, what happened to me, is a long-running pattern of Blu's and they had done it before. Blu and I have not spoken since mid-August. I sent them an email October 1st saying happy birthday, and that is the extent of my contact.

I have had consistent support in my life from a few friends throughout these last few months. I have been trying to get to a place where I can be functional. I've gradually gotten a little better. I can get through three or four days now without breaking down. I can actually talk to my friends without second- and third-guessing everything I say before I hit 'send'. I still have very low days. I still have days where I question if I should bother getting out of bed. Some days where I don't talk to anyone because what's the point. But I'm starting to learn to ask for help those days. It's very slow going and I'm so, so grateful for my friends who have been supporting me through this since early summer, and even those who have only just learned what's happened and are supporting me now. I would not be as "okay" as I am now without them.

dearcorvo-deactivated20170506

are these still a thing?

(insp)

#marvel movies #gotg #guardians of the galaxy #long post #jack queued this

zeeewa-deactivated20150627

cue the disgusted gagging noises of all other characters in marvel

#marvel stuff #steve rogers #tony stark #jack queued this

mishasteaparty

#captain america #bucky barnes #marvel movies #gif #jack queued this

shacklefunk-deactivated20220623

a witch hunt

#Paranorman #jack queued this

dolcissimo

come on caps i know my uniform is pimp as fuck but you guys don’t have to be jealous

#captain america #art #B')#jack queued this

buckybarnesss

Okay, but listen. In Winter Soldier you have Natasha trying to set Steve up, you have Sam asking what makes him happy, you have Steve telling Peggy he just wants to know who he’s fighting, and Sitwell telling us they used the past to determine someone’s future.

These are questions and ideas the narrative sets up to be answered and they’re answered by bucky’s re-appearance in steve’s life.

#marvel movies #cap 2 spoilers #jack queued this

faeriefountain-blog

quick sketch of my ultimate Hyrule Warriors dreams

#legend of zelda #jack queued this

maxkirin

I want to write. I really do. I've been working on this story for years and creating the world inside my head, but whenever I actually open a notebook or sit at the computer I freeze. I'm scared of writing crap. I'm scared of it all being wasted hours, wasted years. How do I just force myself to write?

Hello, there~

I’m actually happy you asked this on Anon, because I’m going to ask you a few very HARD questions.

You see, any other writing blog would probably point you at many of the dozen times they’ve answered questions like:

"I feel like I’m writing crap" or "I don’t know where to start."

But that is not what your question is really about, isn’t it? No. There is a little something-something to your question that attracted my attention. And this is the part where the HARD (and rather mean) questions come in.

I don’t give a flying fuck who it was, but someone — at some point in your life — told you that writing was a waste of time. Your father, your mother, your school counselor, the pretty girl you met at that one party. I don’t care who it was, but their shitty personality planted the seed of doubt in the garden of your mind. And whoa are the weeds showing.

Do you really think writing is a waste of time? Or did someone tell you it was a waste of time?

Is there something else you would rather be doing? Or did someone tell you that you should be spending your time doing something else?

Those are not the hard questions. These are:

Do you enjoy writing? Do you enjoy telling stories?

If you do, then why do you think it would be a waste of time?

If you’re expecting to put words on the paper and make a masterpiece on the first draft then I am going to give you a reality check. That doesn’t happen. The first draft of everything is shit. It’s going to be crap, the real test comes in revising the story— cleaning it, polishing it, and then you will truly see the beauty in it.

Is it hard? Yeah. But so is everything in life.

I love telling stories. I know that no one else in the world can tell my stories, and that someone out there will be going through a hard time in their life— and that only my words will get them through it.

The garden of your mind is full of weeds, Anon. Doubt has very thick roots— but if you have the courage you can rip it out.

If your father told you that unless you’re a doctor you’re wasting your time. Fuck him and his opinion.

If your mom told you that unless you get married you’re wasting your time. Fuck her and her opinion.

If your school councelor told you that unless you go to an university and get a degree you’re wasting your time. Fuck them and their opinion.

If that pretty girl at that one party told you that nobody reads books anymore. Fuck her— and fuck her shitty ass opinion.

You’re going to die someday, Anon. Your minutes are counted. Spend them doing the things you love. The things you enjoy. It’s your life, and you don’t have to make anyone else happy but yourself.

Remove the doubt from the garden of your mind, and please let the flowers grow.

#important #writing #jack queued this

cloudmarsh

MBTI in Fiction: INTJs have original minds and great drive for implementing their ideas and achieving their goals. They quickly see patterns in external events and develop long-range explanatory perspectives. Skeptical and independent, INTJs have high standards of competence and performance – for themselves and others. (x)

#jack queued this #intj #gif

illustratedkate-blog

happy birthday grandpa rogers!

hello--camille

Happy 4th of July!

thefingerfuckingfemalefury

Their comedy aprons make me so happy :D

#marvel #jack queued this

dutchdisneyangel

#treasure planet #jack queued this

bisouette

"It was late, late in the evening, The lovers they were gone; The clocks had ceased their chiming, And the deep river ran on.”

Original prompt probably wasn’t thinking something like this, but I love dirty hipsters and trash punks running away together on a bus ride somewhere. This palette was really hard to work with… Slowly getting through these. Quote from W. H. Auden.

If you wanna take a look at the lines, the sketch is here!

#steve rogers #bucky barnes #marvel universe #jack queued this

gryzmoly

Captain America

Working on a thing. Pre-serum Steve and Bucky. I keep getting this image in my head of them lying on a couch, Bucky on his stomach and Steve lying at his back on top of him, and they’d just shoot the shit that way, all lazy and draped over each other.

#steve rogers #bucky barnes #cries about it #marvel universe #jack queued this

forcemage-moved-deactivated2015

There was a glitch and…it looks like a bunch of pillows jfc James doesnt appear to be amused

#silent hill #silent hill 2 #oooh my god #jack queued this

rajkumaris-deactivated20170129

THE WONDERFUL WORLD OF DISNEY ANIMATION

The following list of films fall under the feature-length, fully-animated umbrella, meaning partially animated films like “Who Framed Roger Rabbit?” or “Mary Poppins” are not included.

LIST OF WORKS

Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs (1937)