Space Ghost Crying

Trauma is weighing me down, like my bones will collapse to pieces any minute. If only I could float in space- where I'd weigh nothing at all.

[space-ghosts-cry]

I have said many times here, there has been someone for a long time I wish I never met... But at the same time meeting them put someone in my life I could never imagine not meeting.

Despite all the pain... everything... I lay there thinking "I wouldn't trade this moment for anything in the world." Suddenly it almost feels like the pain and sorrows it took to get us here... was almost worthwhile.

That's confusing.

[space-ghosts-cry]

I wish there was less shame to people who decide they don't have the energy for a relationship and have to end it... I'm sorry it hurts you but I am hurting too much right now to carry another thing.

[space-ghosts-cry]

About a year and a half ago, I was vetoed out of a relationship I am afraid I will never forget. PTSD, heartbreak, distrust, and anxiety rue me to this day. I constantly think... why me. I constantly wonder where I went so wrong to deserve this much pain. I was vetoed out of our relationship and our attempted friendship of the aftermath and I constantly wonder what they think... I don't know what they think. I know very well what their partner thinks. Are they feeling the same dread I do? Do new relationships bring them the same fear it brings me? Does seeing me given them the same trauma it brings me?

The way I reacted to the manipulation and heart break was framed by them and their partner as immature, as manipulative, gaslighting. Like she truly could not understand I loved this person more than anything...

I don't understand why this happened. We were on the same team. I was on their team. I was there for it I wanted to be there for it....

I am so deeply afraid of never getting over this.

I haven't found many articles that help me describe what I feel. That help me feel less like this was somehow my fault. How dare I expect married partners to not have veto power? How dare I ever expect a certain level of commitment from my partner. Of course I should be on board with their right to tell each other to break up.... it's their marriage after all fuck everything it will do to me. The trust and the utter betrayal. The article is correct- I see both people as villains. My partner for allowing it to happen. My partner's partner for demanding it. For taking all choices away. For not being able to control her jealousy enough to see it could have succeeded.

Maybe too I have been overthinking it. This article brings up a really good point. Though I have seen this relationship looking back as manipulative and abusive to me, it is abusive to my ex partner as well. I know for sure she would pin us against each other. Because she did it to past relationships even telling me about how terrible their past exes were and funnily enough acting like I was so much better until something blossomed that could have been so good...

But I found one article. And if you are struggling with this situation, in polyamory and jealousy.... I encourage you to take a read. It helps me feel less alone I guess.

[space-ghosts-cry]

Do you have someone... in your life you would give anything to go back and never have met them?

A source of pure trauma and anguish and heartbreak I could have lived a good life without ever knowing.

[space-ghosts-cry]

It's weird the shame comes with depression. Why am I ashamed to feel this way? Because I bring everyone down? Because what- alternatively I should be grateful for what I do have and it could be worse?

Ashamed. And depressed. And scared. And alone.

[space-ghosts-cry]

Since I was a teenager I dreamt of one day working in a place that created magic.

And finally I got there.

And all within 24 hours all that magic burned away.

No spoonful of sugar will make this feeling go away.

Just like that 7 years of hard work towards a dream had been crushed by the company I idolized for seeing me for who I am...

They do see me.

They just don't want me.

They do not care about me.

They do not want to make space for me.

It was a big mistake leave the company that did care about who I am in their workplace to chase a child's fantasy.

I no longer hope to see you real soon.

[space-ghosts-cry]

Today. I'm making the decision to give up on you. And move on.

I'll miss the idea of you.

Knowing you was exhausting. And trying was painful.

It's okay. You won't even know I'm gone.

[space-ghosts-cry]

You wanted a graceful reaction to the abuse and manipulation. And when it wasnt I became the monster.

[space-ghosts-cry]

I wish we never met

[space-ghosts-cry]

You wouldn't have remembered to show up anyway. I don't know why I had the audacity to expect more.

[borderlinereminders]

It’s important to not punish someone for doing what we asked them to do.

Playing games and telling people to “leave me alone” and then being upset when they do isn’t fair to that person. If someone is trying to respect boundaries and does what you ask, it isn’t fair to punish them.

People can’t read your mind and know when you say one thing that you mean another. And even if they can, they’re not obligated to play guessing games. It’s exhausting for them and for you.

When you play these games, usually no one wins.

[space-ghosts-cry]

Punch me again.

I bet I can't take it...

[space-ghosts-cry]

You're right. It'll be a better birthday this year. Because you and all you're demons won't be there for it.

[space-ghosts-cry]

I don't love you anymore... your memory only sparks pain. So I think I don't love you anymore...

[space-ghosts-cry]

Everyday I wonder if I made the right choice or if I did something spur of the moment I'm going to regret. Then I remember how many times you were okay to standby and do nothing when I asked for help. And invalidated my feelings and reactions after. And I can't afford people like that right now...

[lifeafterpsychiatry]

As an autistic person, the implications of "if they really cared I wouldn't have to say it" culture are really scary. Because I want to know what hurts your feelings, what crosses your boundaries, where the line between teasing and being mean is at for you, what you need, and how to make you feel loved. And the implication that if my disability makes me unable to figure out these things through intuition alone, then I'm just not worth having around, is genuinely heartbreaking

[space-ghosts-cry]

I want you to come after me... you shouldnt want our friendship to end. But I know you won't. You aren't coming back. I did tell you to leave after all. Because I know I've been the villain in your story this whole time. You're my villain too.