Baby Steps

Just a Bipolar ADHD human making their way in the world She/they

[spacechaostician]

Progress isn’t linear. Today I am so tired. I went out for brunch and then just collapsed into bed. I think part of it is I ran out of some of my meds. I need to go get them but I don’t have the energy.

When I was feeling a little better yesterday I committed to hanging out with my friends and I had to cancel on them. They’re understanding but I feel like a bad person for it.

I just want to be better. I want to feel stable. I don’t want to feel so depressed and burnt out. I feel so stuck in this body and in this brain. I just have to hang on.

[spacechaostician]

Today has been difficult. I ran out of some of my meds and I’m feeling a bit irritable and tired. I just want to stay in bed all day and sleep. I’m trying to be gentle to myself because I have made progress this week.

[spacechaostician]

I no longer want to live an exciting life, or a successful life. I want to live a quiet life. I want early nights in bed cuddling my cats. I want sunrises drinking coffee and a little garden to water. I want to learn the names of birds and the names of my neighbours. I want inside jokes and long walks with my partner. I want a bookshelf that is full and an inbox that is empty. If my life can look like that, that will be a good life.

[spacechaostician]

I’m learning to be ok with not being good at things. I can’t run like I used to, but that’s not a reason not to do it. I can’t do a push up anymore, but that’s not a reason not to try. Doing something is better than doing nothing. I just need to keep trying.

[spacechaostician]

Appreciation post for my kitties, who haven’t left my side for the last few weeks. They are my little angels 💖

[spacechaostician]

Last week it took every ounce of my strength to get out of bed and move to the couch. Today I’m at a cafe sipping a dirty chai and doing my local crossword. I am so so thankful that I’m here.

If you’re struggling right now remember there’s more than one way to stop the pain, even if your brain is telling you there isn’t. Reach out. I promise you the people who love you would rather have a world with you in it. You can get better.

[spacechaostician]

It’s funny how quickly the mind re-adapts to fear. I welcome it in like an old friend. Listening for footsteps I didn’t even notice I memorized, setting up the bar behind the door like it’s second nature, just waiting for something to happen. It almost feels comforting to have something to attach my anxiety to. I guess it’s better to be able to point to the monster than to be constantly pointing my flashlight in the forest waiting for something to peak its head out.

[spacechaostician]

I took myself out for lunch today and went for another walk. I’m seeing a friend tonight. I still don’t know if I’m going to tell her that I almost didn’t make it to this week. When I think about what I tried to do and I’m honest with myself about it I just feel so guilty. I should have thought about my girlfriend. I should have thought about my family. I don’t think I thought about anything, I just wanted it all to stop.

The truth is I’m not broken. I have people who love me and rely on me. I have stuff I need to work through. I need to reset my life because what I’m doing is not working. I have to be willing to do the work and not just rely on the meds.

My goals for now

- find a hobby that brings me joy

- start working out every day

- make my own healthy meals

- develop a daily routine and stick to it

- make and go to medical appointments

[spacechaostician]

Things I wish I knew when I was first diagnosed with bipolar disorder

- a diagnosis is a tool in your toolbox, not a path to a cure

- most people take 5-10 years to find stability but that doesn’t mean it’s not worth it

- you are responsible for managing your condition. Nobody can force you to get better

- there will always be hard days and good days but the good days make the hard days worth it

- there are people who will love you just as you are and they are the ones who are worth it

[spacechaostician]

When did it become radical to believe that just existing was enough?

[spacechaostician]

I made myself lunch today. It’s just macaroni with jarred pasta sauce and pre-cut vegetables, but I’m still calling it a win. It’s not ramen or beef jerky which has been my diet for the past how many weeks. I’m calling this progress.

[spacechaostician]

They say I’m young but

At this moment I feel a thousand years old

Like a rock caught in a riverbed

Feeling the weight of the rushing water

The sediment scraping, slowly whittling away parts of me

Just waiting for a hoof, or a paw, or a foot

To once again dislodge me so I can rejoin the river

And feel weightless once again

[spacechaostician]

I went outside again today to a cafe. It’s nice to get out again. I actually feel a little better today. Not manic better or not depressed better, but slightly more functional. I feel like I can breathe a little easier. I just feel so heavy. I usually dive into work to avoid all of these feelings but I can’t now, I actually have to deal with them and it’s hard. The only one who can fix me is me.

I just wish this neighbour threatening to kill me situation would be over so I could actually go to my gym and like go outside without being scared I’ll run into him. Part of me is like “if it happens it happens” but I know that wouldn’t be good for my girlfriend so I have to keep myself safe.

[spacechaostician]

My neighbour tried to lure my partner and I out of our apartment yesterday by leaving his dog out in the hallway to do who knows what. Since he didn’t verbally or physically threaten us this time the police didn’t send anyone but they gave us a file number. After 20 minutes of everyone being too scared to do anything he gave up and came out and got his dog. I hate that pride this year is starting with an actual hate crime but I guess life always has to be interesting.

I’m stuck inside today because I’m too scared to leave. Feeling like this is really bringing up a lot of feelings from my abusive relationship being so unsafe and on edge all the time. This morning my girlfriend asked me why I didn’t stick to one of my strategies and I just started crying and couldn’t stop. I feel like I’m just barely holding it together.

Healing isn’t linear and I know that. It’s really hard to see myself getting better right now but I know I will. I just feel so broken, and I know my meds will keep me from getting manic which is good but man I miss the feeling right now. I miss the energy. I just don’t want to feel like this anymore and I really don’t want to go to the hospital.

[shit-people-probably-didnt-say]

I don’t like that my ADHD type is called ‘inattentive’

Im not inattentive, Im too attentive. Thats literally the problem.

Im attending to 20 tasks/thought trains all at once, constantly. With multiple soundtracks fighting for priority whilst trying to tolerate the sound of electricity and the feel of my clothes and my collar bones and a tiny crumb barely visible that feels like a shard of glass

So no. Im not inattentive, you’re just losing an uphill battle against the many things that have my attention. Such as my GOD DAMN FUCKING COLLAR BONES

[spacechaostician]

I reached out to an old friend who I think has been looking for an excuse to cut me out of her life for a while. She has her own issues and I know it’s been hard for her watching me move on in life with my girlfriend and find my place in life when she is struggling. She said she didn’t want to be friends anymore due to worldview differences and value differences. When I tried to clarify what those were she attacked my character, saying I wasn’t grateful and had really bad learned helplessness.

I sent a reply back that I’m not proud of telling her how I felt about the friendship. How I felt I didn’t have space to talk about my feelings and how I was always there for her but I didn’t feel like she was there for me.

I think it’s all part of a pattern. I pour love into people who are not capable of giving me that love and validation back. Everyone except for my girlfriend. She is my soulmate.

Those words will still echo in my head, even though I know I have dragged myself out of hell and I’ll do so again. I’ll add them to the list I have from my ex boyfriend that pop up on my worst days. Lazy, hated, too much, coward, waste of space, ugly, stupid, crazy, delusional, unable to be loved. I’ll try to fight them with good things, even when I don’t believe them.

Today I got out of bed, got ready and went to a cafe. I ate breakfast and lunch and took my pills. I even cleaned the apartment a little and did the dishes. Today is a little better than yesterday. Even if this is all I do today I’m going to count it as a win. Baby steps, we got this.

[spacechaostician]

Holy moly. So where to start. My neighbour threatened my life and the lives of my neighbours over a noise complaint. I had to call the police and it was a pretty scary situation. On the bright side fearing for my life made me realize I do value my life. Last week I really did not, so this is progress. I don’t really believe in the traditional idea of God, but this felt like a lesson I was meant to learn.

I’m still on the borderline of functional, waiting for my meds to kick in but taking a leave from work has been a good idea. My supervisor has been sending me really supportive messages while we get the paperwork sorted out and I’ve stopped having the persistent thought that my body is dying. I still have this black hole in my chest, but there’s a little room for hope too.