Just me

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Today started pretty normally- I woke up 45 minutes before I was supposed to leave my house, decided that wasn’t happening, and woke up 25 minutes before I was supposed to leave my house. To which I then spent the entire morning running around like my head was either chopped off(like a chicken) or my hair was on fire(not like a chicken). I made myself pack a lunch, brewed some coffee, and decided that I had enough time to drive to my job and not be late, by a minute or two. Except, my car started chugging as soon as I rolled the ignition over to start the car, and I knew at that moment that it was time. I’ve been dreading selling my car, because I really loved my car. I felt that it was another facet of myself, that it represented me. However, I can’t keep up with all of it anymore. At first it was one or two things that would come and go, and maybe they weren’t cheap but they also weren’t easy either. And now, it’s one thing after the other, and I knew that if something else got added to the “metric fuck ton of things wrong with my car list”, that it was going to be time. I'm sure that you think that I am being dramatic, but I can almost guarantee you that I am not. Out of everybody, I am the only one that still thinks that I can handle and fix this car. Everyone else thinks that I should have given up a long time ago, far before I sunk so much money into it originally.

You’re also probably wondering why my car chugging would be the last straw, but that’s because I replaced the spark plugs a few months ago, and that starts to limit the options of what is actually wrong. Especially because I replaced my battery a year ago, right around this time, which also limits the remaining options for what’s wrong. On top of that I have other bigger issues that kind of just make it unbearable or scary to drive my car in the first place. I've lost count of the amount of times that I've held my breath when at a stoplight, because there was specifically this one time that my car stalled, and then had a full body rattle. I was stuck at the light for an entire rotation because my car’s breaks wouldn’t work, like they were stuck. It literally took all of my strength to get them to work again, and I'm still unsure if that was the proper call for that situation, but it was the only thing I could think to do besides throwing my hazard lights on. That was when I replaced the battery, which fixed the issue at that time. But that was then and this is now. There is still too much wrong with my car, and if I were to make a list it would probably look like this: TPMI, TPMS, AC, Timing Belt/Chain, and probably so much more. I haven’t exactly been trying to find things wrong with it. Some of these issues are just regular shmegular maintenance, like the timing belt/chain. You’re technically supposed to change it out every 50,000 to 75,000 miles, and imtechnically overdue for another one, and it’s only a matter of time before it fucks me over (literally. A replacement cost between 800-1500). The TPMI needs to have been replaced since 2023, and I will regularly get Check Engine lights over it. Long story short, I hit a pot hole so good, that it broke it’s brain. The cost alone is bad, but there is also the problem that it’s going to take two weeks, which I don’t have lying around. I have to get to work somehow, and my days of walking to work are over.(TLDR: I used to walk over 5 miles to work, not including what it took to get to school. There was a LOT of walking in high school). For other things, the TPMS has been broken since ive gotten the car; always showing me what my tire pressure is at, even when they’re all good. The AC has also been broken since I've gotten it, and while I would like it, I can handle not having an AC. Now, if I didn't have a heater, there would have been far more issues, since I live in the PNW and it can get cold.

So, while the Alternator possibly needs to be replaced, there are larger issues contributing towards me having to give him up. And yeah, not only is this me “giving up”, but he’s also a he. I named him Appa. Not for any major reason aside from him starting up, because it sounded similar to the grunt that Appa did in Avatar the Last Airbender, and so it stuck. But I also claim that this is giving up, or at least it feels like it’s giving up. If I had more money and time, I would keep him forever. But I don’t. I don’t have the money to continue to sink into him, to make him better, and I certainly don’t have the time to fix him. This ultimately feels like I'm quitting early, that im throwing in the towel before the game has even started, but I have to remind myself that the game started when i first got the car, that this was my fault because I wasn’t playing the game right. I was playing checkers and really I should have been playing Mah Jong(is that spelled correctly? IDK this is all one take).

Way back when I started to notice all of these issues, and began to keep track of all the money that this would cost me; I told myself that the minute something new appears, I was done.Since it has, it means that I now only have a short window to figure out my next steps. Which means I spent most of my work day, on dealership websites looking through the online catalogue of what they had for used and for 2026 vehicles. I told myself that I would test drive tomorrow(Sunday), and on Tuesday I would have an informed decision and would sign. That’s not really the point though, of this at least. I'm writing this because I feel some sort of grief. This is my first car, you know? I've traveled far with him, witnessing so much and yet not nearly enough. I've driven hours with him to visit friends and family. He took me to my first job, and then my second, and he won’t get to take me to my third. I've cried in him, I’ve screamed in him, hell- I've had anxiety attacks in him. He taught me how to charge a battery(numerous times) and eventually how to replace one. He taught me how to replace my spark plugs, and he taught me how to replace my windshield wipers. He taught me how to order a new gascap, because where I am from, someone was once required to pump your gas at a station, and they wore down my old cap. He’s a part of me, and I think he is always going to be a part of me. He taught me how to replace my taillights, after I utterly destroyed the originals. He’s taught me a lot; has shown me a lot; has provided me with a lot, and I still feel like a failure because I have to throw in the towel.

Really, I think part of the issue also lies with the fact that I'm not using him properly. He’s an SUV, he’s meant to get more mileage then the few miles that I get here and there, because I live semi-close to my job. Someone will actually use him for what he was intended, rather than my 10 minute commute for work. Ive felt like ive been failing this machine, for a while now at least; and this is the best course of action, for both him and my wallet. But I'm still sad. I'm still grieving the loss of my car, because he’s my baby. I was supposed to take better care of it, and I failed. I let it get this bad. This is my fault. I think he’s always going to be a part of me, but this situation just sucks.

I don’t know where I'm going with this, I think I just wanted to tell someone and not recieve judgment because this is a car.

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Dont let the photos fool you, these were taken like 4 years ago, they just bring me joy. Hope they bring you joy too

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I took this photo a few years ago- way back when I worked at a ranch- and I thought this was nice. Maybe a little muddy.

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Captive

I had a lot of criticism with this one and another one of my poems, way back when I was submitting them to teachers and fellow students at my university. I think it's because it read weird, but at the time I had reread a fanfic and I legittimately had came up with this as part of a "dark and brooding" scene where the main character was waiting for back up. But you can't exactly tell your teacher and classmates that, now can you. At least, I didn't have the guts too. But, poetry is also about interpretation, and there is no artform quite like this-form.

Captive:

It’s dark here. Although only God knows, where here is. All I see is the shattered light, that could only be procured by moonlight.

I don’t know how long I have been here. Months? Maybe. Years? Not likely.

My mouth tastes like copper. Like the taste of blood when you accidentally bite your tongue, Because you were eating too quickly and didn’t realize. It tastes like the kind of copper ma warned me never to put in my mouth, Like the penny I thought would taste good but hurt me on the way out.

It’s cold here. Wherever here is. Its colder than the chilly air found only in the fall, but not colder than the air in the mountains, When you don’t have a jacket to keep warm.

I don’t know when my saviors will come get me, I don’t know if I will ever see my family. I don’t know if I will ever feel the August air, when the humidity is just right, and the peak of summer has finally ended.

What I know, Is that heaven nor hell can stop me. From tearing apart this monster in front of me.

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The Ellipses

Here is some more older pieces of work. I'm so sorry that majority of the writings/poems I have, all come from dark places.

The ellipses:

The ellipses of orbit could not have absorbed this. As we lacked awareness I felt it regardless.

We were the mistakes of the broken, the words all misspoken out of turn

We watched the leaves fall, in a prison that was too s m a l l . We no longer count the hours, but await our punishment in the towers of this prison.

This sentence has become our penance, and we will watch our descendants from the skies above.

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I Forgive You (Not because I want to, but because I have to)

Here is an old poem that I wrote a few years back, and I figured it could sit here for a little bit; rather then it just taking up space in my storage. I promise I haven't always been this depressing, and im not sure if you'll enjoy it or not, but I hope you can try.(also not me just figuring out that I can put italics and bold on here...)

I Forgive You

I forgive you For all the ways that you made me Feel betrayed and alone Which scared me I forgive you

I forgive you For when I was 8 And you had just separated From Dad, and I was left to Ponder the inneroworkings And sorrows that were Left behind and filled with The dread that I had To choose between Him and you I forgive you

I forgive you For when you weren't there Not a spec of you in the air And I was left to appreciate And value myself Alone I forgive you

I forgive you For when I was 10 And you had invited me To a concert of hers For a few hours On an ordinary d a y And you held that to your chest For years and y e a r s Until I brought it up again I forgive you

I forgive you For the way you manipulate "Girlboss and Gatekeep" For the ways you made me Hate the ways I would Forgive our father I forgive you

I forgive you For when I was three Just a Wee Lad, and said ihateyouihateyouihateyou And you said Never Again I forgive you

I forgive you For the way you treated Me, like ths corpion That rode in on the frog, Who in the end, Destroyed the frog and won Again I forgive you

I forgive you For ignoring me So completely that I felt A L O N E I forgive you

And I will forever Forgive you For the transgressions you made And make Because in the end The only ones Who can truly forgive others Are the same ones That can forgive themselves

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You Gotta Die Sometimes P.2(final bit)

But I also find it, well frankly, weird. Why is it that our minds instantly assume that these people are so lonely? What about these social situations and patterns indicate to us, some of the younger generations, that these people are miserable? Which is why I had brought up my questions to Katara. She's genuinely easy to talk to, and I'm grateful she doesn’t get easily offended if I don’t understand things, or if I'm too harsh, especially because it's a frequent issue I've faced in my interpersonal relationships. At first, she was confused about my questions, citing that I too was assuming that they weren’t as lonely as everybody assumes. And she’s right, in a way I too was also doing the exact same thing that I was harping about, only with a different outcome. But then we had a rush, and had to get a handle on that, so there wasn’t really time for me to immediately ask more questions again, so I waited a bit. This time, I was mostly asking why our minds instantly go towards the fact that a person is lonely, rather than that they might have people with them? She didn’t have much of an answer, and frankly I don’t either. I want to say the reason we have these thoughts and assumptions about others in different age demographics is because of subliminal messaging from programs and advertisements. I mean, look at life alert, for an example. It reads more as “you have no one to actually truly help you, and this is a last ditch attempt at getting you help because your phone is in the other room and you can’t get up”. Maybe that’s a little too harsh on the advertisement, or maybe it’s simply too literal. Or maybe it’s not. I don’t know. I guess I just worry, that at the end of the day when my time comes to be an older-wiser-badass me, im gonna get the same pitying looks that they get; the same hushed and whispered voices that they can’t hear; the “here let me get that door for you and your walker” that’s never said, but is implied by actions. Or maybe…maybe I'm just afraid of growing older with the knowledge that no one is going to have my back anymore. That I could be the only person remaining in my family, through a series of actions and what not, and I will have nothing left. It’s hard to understand what the worst case scenario looks like, that unpredictability is a common thing when it comes to life; but man is it hard to still have to come to terms with that pin-prickle of an idea. That even though I used to be alone, and that I can sometimes thrive in it; this kind of loneliness might be too much. that maybe I won’t survive it. But I guess that’s the whole entire point of life, right? You Gotta Die Sometime.

I know this is a depressing way to end this "note", but I hope that someone learned something, or if no one did that's fine too.

With a sliver of my curiosity,

Space <3

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You Gotta Die Sometime P.1

I don’t think I am a lonely person. I have friends, even if they’re few and far between. I still have them. But, I have also lost them. Sometimes it's  a natural course and we just split, like my high school best friend Macgyver (not their name, but I think it's fitting. They're quite resourceful) who was my best friend prior to the Corona Virus Incident, and when it struck we kinda just fell out of touch. I see their posts on instagram every now and then, and Snapchat too (though I hate going onto snapchat—so many bad decisions from when I thought that I was tough shit—). Or like some of the old coworkers who I had become attached to, and then stopped communicating with altogether because it no longer felt like they wanted me in their lives. Really, what I'm trying to say is that I have friends currently. But that I’ve also lost friends over the years, but that even though we no longer talk I still am gonna support the shit out of you. Genuinely these poor souls had to deal with my shenanigans and BS for years, I think this is the least that I can do. I don’t just bring this topic of friendship up out of nowhere, because I think it has a place in this conversation. The one about loneliness and percieved societal misguidings. I bring up this topic of loneliness— and really that of just friends in general— because I had a conversation with my coworker Katara (also not her name, but I think that at times she does resemble Katara, and im sure she’d look great with hair loopies) and a recurring pattern that I’ve noticed. It’s no secret that old people also love to move around in public spaces, hell I’d consider it weird if they didn’t. The price I've found for that “freedom”, is that my coworkers feel sorry for these older folks who are out by themselves running errands, or just being one with the earth. I don’t want to sound weird or aggressive, at the risk of sounding judgmental or what not. I’ve found this topic of conversation to be a very interesting one, because I guarantee you that the majority of my coworkers really do get sad when they look at an old person by themselves, simply just living their life. Their minds instantly assume that they’ve lost all of their family; that they no longer have any friends; that ultimately they’re gonna die alone, surrounded by family—sure— but not by those that really know them. And…well… I don’t think like that. I don’t immediately assume that any or all of the old people within a five mile radius have lost everyone and everything, and that they’re merely just taking some “me-time” through it all. It appears that I am at odds with my coworkers, and I guarantee this is not the first time. On one hand, I think that this difference in opinions between all of my coworkers, and I, is a good thing. I see these kinds of topics and social situations differently than they do.

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For as long as I can remember, I've always been considered “weird”. To society’s standards, I am. To my fellow peers, those that have chosen to spend their time with me and continue to stick around me, not so much. I'm always reminded of this, when I see characters through the mass media that are also considered “weird”. Most recently, I’ve had some hyperfixation on the 2017 production of Power Rangers, y’know, the same one so many people disliked (though I could not tell you why). Yes, that movie. I like it, because there are so many outcasts featured within it. It’s a movie of 5 broken and suffering teenagers learning and coming into themselves. That they are finally turning over new leaves with the expectations that they can make it into adulthood; finally becoming something more than just a caregiver, or a quarterback(Jason was the starting quarterback…right?), or the autistic kid of a dead dad, or just simply being lonely and reserved. I can’t say that I resonate with all of the rangers, I think my personality is too broad for that. I think that if anything I see myself in all of them; rather than none of them. I can be as strong-headed like Jason; or the brash and zero-self-preservation like Zach, or understanding the time for caution like Billy, or being smart and quick-thinking like Kimberely, or sassy and witted like Trini. Above all I know that among this group of misfits, they too are also kind. And I think I also have that ability of showing kindness; that somehow I have displayed time and again that I am willing to set fire to the world for those that I love. I think its because I can’t show affection so easily, unlike these characters who can (aside from Billy, he’s the exception). Hugging/just any display of affection tends to make me severely uncomfortable; at least when I'm on the receiving end, it definitely does. I can’t explain to you, dear reader, the kind of rift this uncomfortability has had on my platonic and romantic relationships. Many find it bizarre that I have to “ramp up” to show physical affection to immediate family members. All this, I guess, to say that I have never really fit into society by its standards. This movie, however, does a lot of show that as long as you can find a group of fellow teenage outcasts surrounded by angst, just about anything is possible, like fighting a gold-powered-evil-alien that has just recently discovered what a donut is.

Make sure to take care of yourself today!

Majority of my love,

Space <3

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A beautiful view running in Oregon