Hi! Thanks for those that participated in my small-scale #Age Gap Discourse poll to answer this anon’s question:
I’ve got some answers for you, Nonnie!
I had a total of 15 responses (over 1,800k words!). Two of the responses were not “counted” in the overall evaluation because they did not provide an answer the anon’s question of “What’s the appeal of such large age gaps between Steve and Bucky?” (I’m a data scientist and I gotta draw that line somewhere, sorry). However, I still included those two responses in parentheses (*) where applicable in the charts below, to acknowledge their place in the discourse.
I’ve divided my observations into four categories. I’ll provide a little bit of quantitative data evaluation for each, as well as select excerpts from responses that I feel are representative of one or more consensus items. [Note: While neither me nor Nonnie defined “large” age gaps, the consensus in the responses seems to indicate the average to qualify as “large” or “too large” a gap was somewhere around 15 years (with some leaning 5-10, some as high as 20-25), varying widely.]
“What i like about age gap is one party having more experience and taking a sort of guide/care-taker role.”
“It’s called… EXPERIENCE KINK! No to be honest though the age gap thing, for me, is all about being fresh-faced and innocent only to be absolutely swept of your feet by someone who knows how to SWEEP, BABY! Like weren’t we all young once and disappointed by the sex people our age were having? Also… it’s nice to be taken care of, doubly so when the person doing the caring has a sort of ease about it that comes from confidence only time can produce.”
“[…] in my experience older guys tend to be calmer and more considerate. Simply more mature […] It’s one of the reasons why I also like Daddy Kink. A Daddy should keep his boy or girls safe and take care of them, it’s a natural demand of that kink”
2 - Associations with Personal Experiences
“[…] fic is a safe place to vicariously enjoy a dynamic i’m into as a fantasy but don’t want to explore in reality”
“The first time [I dated an older man] I just came out of a manipulative and somewhat abusive relationship. My new boyfriend had so much patience with me, while I figured out what I really wanted and he constantly checked in with me, giving me the safety and the knowledge that ‘no’ would be accepted […] Until I dated an older guy I had never experienced an orgasm that wasn’t by my own hand. The guys either didn’t care, simply cared more about themself, or even told me I was broken[…] Dating an older guy made me grow up and be secure in my own wants, so now I have a certain standard for male behavior that helps me keeping myself safe.”
“For me it is the idea of someone with more experience who truly cares about the younger person and has no interest in taking advantage of them. The idea of wiping away my own hard life if there had been someone older there who cared enough to take care of me.”
“I want to be taken care of, and guys my age (early 20s) just don’t do it right. They are still learning to take care of themselves, and older men just know better.”
“My whole life I’ve been told I’m ‘older than my years'”
3 - Reader Experience Preferences
“I think logically it might be the safety of fiction and the fact that we can explore things like that without real world consequences.”
“I like that in fics because there we can imagine a world where that age difference won’t turn into power imbalance and an unhealthy relationship, something that is harder in real-life”
“I like feeling cared for and being able to place myself into the younger character is really nice! I can safely explore how I like to feel without having to do so irl, which can be scary and manipulative (like anything in the real world).”
ifeel like the age gap device is a rlly good way to show contrast between love interests and why need their partner… The younger one might need that older influence to feel taken care of and to learn perspective. the older one needs a new perspective to feel young and hopeful again? I like it”
4 - Acknowledgement of Potentially Problematic Situations/Content
“For me, age gap in real life sketches me out a little if it’s quite large, but it’s not too bad. I can totally live with it in moderation. In fics, idk something about it is just HOT.”
“I’ve read fics with larger age gaps (i think the biggest is 16 years) and too me thats too old, just cause i could see the gap ending up being problematic. Honestly tho as long as both partners are legal and happy and consenting in the relationship its okay”
“Age gaps purely as a 'kink’(?) I get can be problematic, but like you said in your fics they’re plot points, and I don’t read those really (but if they’re done right they can be very hot and great to read).”
“I think as long as its properly tagged as AU, written for the purpose of those who are looking for that kink, not shown as a common thing in queerness, it’d be fine.”
And there you have it, Nonnie! Hope that answers your question <3
Side note: I love all of you so much for participating. I am humbled to have such incredible, intelligent, critical, thoughtful, mature people reading my fic. If I’d ever felt the need to baby you guys when it comes to curating your content for you (which I honestly never did), I certainly don’t feel that need now.
I want to finish off with a quote from a deeply personal story that one of the anon’s bravely sent me (and if it was you, I really hope you don’t mind me using so much of your story, and thank you for sharing it):
“Not every man is considerate, even when they grow up. And age differences come with a power imbalance. And if an older guy uses that than the relationship is anything but safe and will turn abusive in the blink of an eye. Age is not a guarantee. There are younger guys who are considerate and there are older guys who are anything but and will use their power for their own gain. Assholes will be assholes no matter what age. But to summarize in my experience older guys tend to be calmer and more considerate. Simply more mature. They knew what they want, they knew how to do it, they care about what you want and don’t get caught up in their sex brain and demand sex. And therefore the sex was really enjoyable and most importantly safe for me, physically and mentally.”