I'm only writing this just to write it, I know it's probably fucked up, and no, I don't want sympathy. I'm not depressed.
Today I got asked if I was single, which I am. They asked me why, which I explained. They were dumbfounded by the fact that I have been single for 9ish years. I dated four years ago, but it wasn't meaningful, she was gorgeous and I just wanted sex, it lasted probably six months. My last actual relationship ended around 9 years ago, but even that needs an asterisk. The last year of the relationship I wanted out, we dated for four years. I didn't want to date to begin with, I just wanted sex, she knew that, but I dated her because I wanted her in my life, and, didn't want to hurt her.
The second and third year of the relationship were decent, I enjoyed the time, but continuously thought about being single. I had a lot of girls before I got into a relationship with her, which lingered on my mind. It's safe to say the relationship was good, but not exactly what I wanted. The last year the sex faded, in turn, my interest was gone. It hurt when it ended, but even those feelings felt forced at a certain point.
The last time I really felt love was about 15 years ago, which feels like a life-time ago. The relationship ended when I was 18, I longed for love after that, but it lead me to unfullfilling relationships. I wanted love so bad, but when I never found it, it started meaning nothing to me. After years of the feeling fading, I thought if someone chased me, really pursued me and showed me love was worth it, I'd date them. I wanted it. But, it never happened. I got so sick of the thought of love, it started to affect me negatively whenever it was brought up. Love, over time meant nothing to me, I became numb to it.
Too many times I've had some one call me "babe" or, "hun" or, whatever buzz word they could use. I've heard "love" directed at me and over-used for everything else "I love ____" I've heard it all so often, the words mean nothing. It like when you say a word out loud so often, it starts sounding strange, or, wrong.
Every one, and every conversation feels the same; even if it's a unique conversation, I'll likely forget it happened. The people that I meet, some stand out, but I never see them again, and if I do, the next time it feels different. Everyone blends into another, unless sex is involved, every conversation feels hallow and meaningless. In a way, I'm glad when I only see people once, if it goes well, at least it ended on a good note.
So, when I was asked today if I missed being in a relationship, and if I missed love. The truth is, I don't miss love, because I don't even remember what it feels like.
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