There’s something quite indulgent about spanking parties. For about three or four days, you inhabit a space with people who share the same desires. We talk about how we got into this, our first time.
Sometimes these conversations are between scenes, between swats. Everything moves so fast but there’s never a distinct sense of urgency. It’s vacation - I wear things I don’t have the chance to, I stay up later.
I lean into the feeling that comes from being surrounded by people that get ‘it’. When you don’t have anything to hide, vulnerability is safety.
Five years ago, TASSP was my first major party. A lot has changed for me since then but the euphoria that comes with doing this thing we do hasn’t gone away. I’ve come to understand party drop as my body’s way of reconciling such an abrupt loss of freedom.
And I never could have imagined this. Years from now, I won’t have anything to compare these experiences to.
I often take an extra day after I come back to realign myself. The transition is overwhelming, but for me it’s not just about missing people. It’s about reconciling the sadness of saying goodbye with the opportunity to catch my breath. I like being alone, where I can close my eyes and relive my favorite scenes. Sometimes I close my eyes and let my fingers wander, tracing bruises, trying to remember where they came from.
Recently I found myself thinking about heartbreak, how we think of it as this this massive thing that tears you apart. But I think it happens slowly, over time. The minute their flaws hurt us, we understand that they have the potential to tear us apart. All we can do is hope that they’ll be more gentle in the future.
The scene as a whole is like that, in that there are these small things we hate, but we let them go. And sometimes there are the things that overwhelm us, and the heartache is much more colossal. I think when we think about the scene as a utopia, every disappointment feels like a broken heart.
So I don’t. Instead I acknowledge the flaws, and think about how I would make it better. I surround myself with people that bring me joy - not just because we share a fetish, but because they love me even when I’m not smiling.
For so long, I harbored this fear of not being accepted because of my desires, but once you meet enough people that goes away. The hard part is finding people who can sustain a connection beyond a shared fetish. I’ll never stop being grateful for having these people in my life. This is for them. This is for everyone who thought they found their people, but things didn’t work out. It’s for everyone just stepping in, still trying to figure it out. I promise it’s worth it.
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