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@sparklemaze
❤️❤️❤️ (at The Metropolitan Museum of Art)
The Death of Socrates. #intheflesh #corruptingtheyouth #vscocam (at The Metropolitan Museum of Art)
I look like a tourist. (at New York Public Library)
Out here (at Bushwick)
Living With Your Mom
I love my dear mother more than this ever-expanding universe itself, and in the past 2 months I have had the good fortune of sharing a home with her. I wanted to write something about living with your mom because, let's face it, no matter how cool you think you are, you probably have lived or will live with your mom at least one time after you've received a piece of paper that endorses your tangential knowledge of game theory or string theory or something else that will not likely help you in the job market but which has nevertheless been much more fulfilling than 4 years of the 4 Cs. Living with your mom is cool at 23- you know why? Lots of reasons. My mother is one Atlanta "LOL" or "Lady of Leisure." "What is this LOL you speak of?" you may ask. Well, an LOL is one who has not worked in a significant number of years and has thus been afforded very early retirement to do whatever she pleases- Zumba, the Nordstrom shoe section, margaritas at 2PM on a Tuesday, charity involvement, Vitamix demonstrations. I'm not saying my mother is lazy- she is absolutely not. She has worked for herself in various capacities for two decades with ventures like catering or antiques dealing. That being said, my mother is still able to do lots of fun stuff with me all day long.
Living with Alison these past two months, I have ingested more brie or truffle/goat cheese infusions than I have in the previous 23 years combined. It's a wonder that I've actually lost weight. I get to go to matinees at a movie theatre with reclining chairs. I go grocery shopping, pretty much secondary in enjoyment only to sex, basically tri-weekly. I get my nails done all the time now. She lets me work out with her personal trainer, making me feel like a GD celebrity. I'm the only person under 40 in my yoga class.
I have virtually no friends here because, A. no one my age lives in my town unless they just left rehab, and B. I hated high school. There's no shame in saying it now. It took me this long to realize that not having more than five friends from high school at my age doesn't make you a social pariah- it means you've lived your life. Plus, the ones that have always been there are still there, and they're the only ones who matter anyway. This is all to say that my mother is my best friend in this town, and hanging out with her is stupendous. I am not a religious person, but a part of me feels inclined to pray for those who are estranged from their mothers. I know it's probably not your fault, so let me extend AlBay to you as a mother. She is truly the best.
"This sounds too good to be true!" the non-believers will chant. "Why don't you just stay home with your mom forever!?" Excellent point. I probably should, but it's embarrassing and almost none of my friends are here. To be completely fair, we've been at each other's throats more than once. Sometimes she nags me to use a coaster when I'm already using a condensation-proof glass, and that gets me super upset. I'm a child. In her defense, I took her car out to a seedy establishment one night without asking if I could use it first, so I bear partial responsibility for our quarrels. She may not do my laundry, but she does pay my cell phone bill. Living with your mom as a man or woman-child has led me to this conclusion- I'm cool, but I'm not that cool. If anyone needs a peg knocked down in this life, it's me. I know that. There are many implications here into the meaning of the word "adult" or "man" or "woman" and at what specific point in time one crosses that ridiculous threshold. For me, a lot of what it means to grow up means to treat your mom as a friend and a mom. You can call each other out on stuff cause you're friends and stuff. I tell her she's bragging too much; she tells me I'll never attract a man if I continue to use the word "like" when I'm not making a comparison or using it as a verb. She's right. I like probably won't. Growing up also means that I play it cool with mom's wishes even if I think they're dumb because she's given me a LOT in the past two months, and no one likes an ungrateful brat under their roof. Although I'm not elated at going from lavish perks to the tenement grind next week, we will probably both be better for it.
Maybe not.
Can I go back to school yet? (at Boston Public Library)
I tried to resist, but you caught me. #disclosure #athens (at Georgia Theatre)
Ok, guys, I'm done complaining. This snow is beautiful. #snowpocaypse (at Byrnes Family Farm)
12 Years a Slave and Modern Racism
So, I'll start out by saying that I'm (clearly) taking this blog in a new direction. No more travel for the moment, so you'll be stuck, if you so choose, with my thoughts, opinions, and rants. Not that you weren't stuck with them before. This way I have an avenue to blab about the things that keep me up at night without subjecting innocent bystanders or the blameless individuals who still have Mitt stickers plastered to their Yukons. I digress.
Yesterday, my mother and I went to see the movie 12 Years a Slave, which, although of course beyond spectacular cinematically and plot-wise, was almost impossibly difficult to watch. Some elements gave you the classic (if you have had the fortune of the experience) Human Centipede look away, look away quick! effect. But the impetus for the reaction wasn't an abhorrence of pure grossness so much as an inability to witness certain acts being performed by an individual of the same species as the viewer. AND, towards one of the same. I hope my mother doesn't mind me disclosing the fact that her reaction was exactly akin to the one I remember her having when we went to see The Passion of the Christ years ago. I do not consider my mother to be a fervent Christian, but the movie caused her to weep as I had seen her weep very few other times in my life, and 12 Years described that same response. I, low on the emotional juices as is my nature, welled up a few times but was unable to produce a bona fide tear. This, itself, impressive.
However, upon discussing the film afterwards, her all-encompassing word was disturbing. Mine was not. I have had a difficult time in thinking of what my word would be, but I know that it wasn't disturbing because I noticed in retrospect that I had this knee-jerk reaction to believe that the gruesome scenes were theatrically enhanced instead of accurately portrayed. Of course, intellectually, I know that this is not the case. Of course, these kind of acts are correct representations of an objective history that I, as a white child educated 150 years after the execution of the Emancipation Proclamation didn't and don't have access to today. Of course, the scenes in the movie don't even betray the worst of what happened during this era. This, I know intellectually, and yet somehow I get the notion that I've been conditioned not to empathize. Maybe just a hunch.
And so disturbing wasn't my word. My thoughts may be best explained in the movie's most interesting character, whom I also had a troublesome time elucidating. The movie's 'humane' slaveholder, Benedict Cumberbatch's character, left me almost cruelly puzzled in my incapacity to dissect him. He is seemingly kind and generous. He never lays a hand on his "property." He doesn't punish any of the slaves if he gets the inkling that they may be more educated than they let on. He even gives the main character a violin as a gift upon learning of his talent for it. However, when purchasing the slaves he is witness to a separation of mother and children (he acting as the buyer of the mother) that 'couldn't be helped.' And this is true, it couldn't, but the character patronizes this vendor of indentured servants all the same. If the idea that the power to change a society lies not in a vote but in a wallet was in circulation at the time, the character certainly wasn't applying it. More likely, the character turned a blind eye. He turned a blind eye as he did to the injustices taking place on his plantation and to the greater, underlying and necessary implications of the institution of slavery as a whole. He acted as a protector, yet not as a champion. He refused to degrade just as much as he refused to improve. His kindness masked his inaction.
So this got me to thinking about the modern racist. What does it mean to be a racist? Surely, there is an especially blurred line between bias and racism. Also surely, 'bias' and similar terms are employed to protect the individual in question from the negative implications of real racism. When does bias become a mere kind way of putting the reality of a certain human quality? I'm not sure. Regardless, I would argue that we can and perhaps should all admit that to a certain degree we are the modern racist.
Wait, wait, wait, some may say. Why is it our duty to promote a situation that requires promotion instead of just preventing the ills resulted by said situation? Why is it our duty in the first place? 150 years have passed; there is no way that the racial divide we witness in the US in 2013 is resultant of or to be blamed on slavery. This is the common and less "racist" rhetoric used by those who, although perhaps not bigots, may still in fact be racists. Again, this is a distinction that is really blurry, so let's just call it those who are willfully ignorant versus those who are not willfully ignorant. Even among so many who I would (maybe generously) classify as the latter type apply a fundamental attribution error to racial divisions. They say that 'minorities' are predisposed to certain behaviors because of their ethnic status as a 'minority.' (I put this in quotations because I grew up in a city where 'minority' is just about the worst description of the black community who is, nevertheless, generally separated from the white community.) 'Minorities' aren't behaving a certain way because of their continent of origin. People are, almost universally in my view, products of their environs. And yes, although this may be an anally retrieved thought, I do believe that conditions associated with (but not caused by) race are the products of history. I cannot produce a flow chart or a choose your own adventure scenario that would illustrate why this is true, but that's because the claim appears to me as a basically undeniable one for one. Secondly, a counterfactual chain of events that leads to any certain conclusion is logically unfeasible in this case. In other words, it is impossible to say that the absence of slavery in the US would not have lead to a socio-economic division between races in the US exactly as it is today.
So, where does that leave us today? It seems to me that there has been irreversible damage done. Clearly. Beyond that, it seems to me that to treat society as if slavery never occurred, as so many people try to do, isn't helping modern racism. Maybe the idea that we're all the same is the wrong one to hold. We don't all have access to the same resources and opportunities. We don't all have the same family histories that have effectively shaped the scenarios of our birth. This is a result, at least in part, of slavery. Maybe it's time to acknowledge things like gun violence as it occurs in our entire society, not just in white society, as is the current media standard. To stop turning a blind eye and say history is irrelevant. It isn't. To then integrate a sense of empathy is outside the limitations of my imagination at this point.
This has been, I know, a very small-minded and not expertly researched rant on something I don't really understand any more than I do string theory or the evolution of the tree frog. I just had it on my mind and had to write it for whoever, even if just for myself.
Koh Phangnan, Thailand 19.11.13
It's official my last month in SE Asia. (obligatory) Where did the time go? Since we last spoke, I've been at a yoga school on the illustrious Full Moon Party island- it's been more spiritual and less Full Moon Party in my case. I kind of came into this one blind, as I usually do with commitments, and, as usual, I've had absolutely zero problems, and everything's worked out all too well. I find myself knocking on bamboo a lot because this entire trip's been so wildly successful, but I don't know if bamboo has the same superstitious efficacy; Thus, it's likely in vain, and I'll get robbed soon.
So, I got on a boat here about 10 days ago, and I'll just comment on this thing that happens a lot in Asia, and I should be used to it by now, but it's still kind of eerie- middle-aged, slightly overweight Eastern-Hemispheric men asking to take pictures with you. This is only related to the boat because it happened on the boat. Something about tall, lone white girl must scream, "I really want you to take my picture with you because I'm definitely a celebrity, and even if I'm not a celebrity I'm obviously so enamored with the fact that I'm a complete stranger who you think is worth taking a photo with." I was so flustered by these men on the boat, that their pictures with me all include my giant headphones placed strategically over my ears to avoid such tubby, middle-aged photography advances, not to mention just general engagement with humans. In any case, here's my message to this genre of person- Why? P.S. If 'Eastern-Hemispheric' may possibly get interpreted by some as racist and a massive over-generalization, I promise I've just run out of synonyms for "Asian" over the past year, so I had to get creative.
I'm not sure how much interest I can inspire talking about the whole yoga thing, so I'll wait on that/not write about it other than my general feelings since being here, presumably generated by this more esoteric form of yoga than I've been exposed to previously. I've been seeing more than I have in a very long time in terms of untapped potential. It's so easy for me, as well as I'm sure it is for most others, to just assess my limitations in a rigidly rationalistic way and work from there, escaping any fear of failure. The fear is really just masking me and just about most everyone I know from jostling the boundaries of what we can and cannot do. I'm not talking about taking up professional golf or joining Mensa. I'm talking about wanting to do something that seems hard or time-consuming or not very practical and actually doing it. Like anything- for me it's ballet and learning another language, writing like I mean it instead of writing like it's laundry. Learning how to be an adult, but not in the practical sense- in the differentiation sense. In the ability to stand on one's own and do what one wants simply because one wants to do it and not because it makes sense or contributes to a meaningful or productive end. Not speaking just because I can't stand the silence or feel the need to entertain others. Realizing the values of your family, your best friends, YOURSELF one year in the past no longer have to reflect yours and that your relationships with your past self, friends, and family need not suffer any strain because of this incongruity. That latter part is the most important I think. Forgiveness too.
And of course, to answer the inevitable question, no, I regret to tell you that I didn't attend the famed Full Moon Party. I did, because I had a day free of yoga, get to go to Phangnan's bi-monthly "Jungle Experience," and well, I suppose only small anecdotes wil do it justice. A not-so-marginally obese girl aggressively (like really aggressively) making out with this guy who could neither keep his eyes open or sit up on his tree stump. A truckload of Canadians who kept wailing some Dane Cook-type full stand-up monologue, which, needless to say, induced fantasies of my own bursting eardrums. A girl having a hallucinogen-inspired meltdown plead that she needed a mirror to wash her face and her friend basically abandoning her to her fancied life-or-death-priority task. Yes, the ivory tower is a place that I love to observe the world from, but that's why I'm here doing yoga- to learn to be nicer to people. Kidding, but not really. Practicing ahimsa, or non-violence, which includes thoughts, is not a walk in the rice paddies. Was that last line entirely too ridiculous? Maybe. I'll just go with it.
Nam Part 2: Halong Bay
Southern Vietnam: Ho Chi Minh, Mui Ne, Hue, and Hoi An 3.11.13
Soo much to say and not enough time or energy to say it, so I'll just talk about the best parts.
Days 1-4 were relatively laid-back and not so newsworthy except for the War Remnants museum and the accolades I have to give Saigon (HCMC). Saigon is visually exquisite. Heavily wooded, sculpture parks, French Colonial architecture, whirring motorbikes, rooftop cafes, wafting incense, etc., etc. The South of Vietnam, being impressed by almost 150 of French colonialism, is the first place I've visited in Southeast Asia that so heavily laden with Catholic Churches. I had never considered the impact of religious denomination on the atmosphere of a city, and I was surprised by the great influence it had on my perception of it- seeing a steeple in the place of a pagoda had quasi-confusing effect. Walking down the same streets as described in Graham Greene's The Quiet American, it was evident just how easy it must have been for European and American correspondents to get adjusted to the lifestyle regardless of the terror that lay in wait beyond the city limits. The Rue Catinat, which has since the end of the French occupation been renamed, is lined with an Opera house, gorgeous cathedral, massive parks, and old-world hotels. It is blissful and serene while still maintaining the sense of the constant flux signaled by the traffic and the horn-happy motorists.
I mentioned the terror outside the bounds of the city, and no full account could be given without delving, at least a little bit, into the history of Vietnam, even before the war Americans have come to know. (Sorry, skip this paragraph if you don't want to hear anything remotely unpatriotic or don't care about history.) The land which we know today as Vietnam was under Chinese rule from the 2nd until the 10th centuries AD (or CE if you want to get PC. Acronyms!). From the 10th century until the 19th century there were a series of civil wars- Vietnam being home to 54 ethnic groups!- as well as vain attempts by China to regain their former position. Somewhere in that time, the Ming Dynasty of China fell (17th cent.), and Ming loyalists moved to Vietnam. To this day their descendants still use Chinese temples in Vietnam as meeting houses to plot vengeance on the losses of their ancestors in the name of the reclamation of their bygone dynasty. 400 odd years seems like a long time to hold a grudge, but you can probably chalk that up to the fact that I am a national of a country younger than this grievance itself. Anyway, the French colonized Vietnam in 1802 and continued to colonize them until 1945- hence the Vietnamese use of the Latin Alphabet and the Virgin Marys and the Rue Pasteur in HCMC. Of couse, as you know, WWII ended in this year, 1945, and, honestly, between 1945 and 1954 I get really confused, but in 1954 at the Geneva Conference, Vietnam is divided at the 17th Parallel between the Communist North and the Royal family in the South. As an aside, this is also the place where Korea is divided between Soviet-friendly North and America-friendly South along the 38th Parallel. Ok, sorry, getting boring- so, why does the US get involved in the Vietnam War, or, as it's called here, the American War? Excellent question! I sincerely wish to tell you that my week here so far has enlightened me as to the true purpose of 'our' (I put this in quotes because, as we do know, the people of the US weren't exactly in cahoots with Washington on this one.) occupation/slaughter, but regrettably, I cannot. I think the answer is somewhere between the Red Scare, tin/steel resources, and weapons testing. If you've ever wanted to feel a lack of patriotism/borderline disgust with your home country, just visit the Vietnam War Remnants museum.
'Nightmarish' would most aptly describe the images in the museum. That doesn't apply merely to wartime images; in fact, it mostly applies to the images that have documented the effects of Agent Orange or Dioxin in both Vietnamese and American troops and insurgents. The effects of Dioxin are not limited solely to those exposed- they last for up to three generations after initial exposure. Grandchildren of those who served in the war or were exposed as civilians will continue to bear the burden of the atrocities bestowed upon them by the American presence in Vietnam. It is estimated that up to 4 million people face health consequences and terrifying birth defects either directly or indirectly as a result of the use of Agent Orange. Exposed Americans have been paid restitution by the government, but those in Vietnam have been left destitute. Appeals to the Supreme Court for indemnity to be paid by the producers of dioxin during the war (Monsanto and others) have been denied. These are appeals that have all come to light within the last 10 years and will, given the long-term consequences of dioxin, persist for decades to come, whether or not the US government chooses to acknowledge them. I don't think I need to continue on to point out my level of antipathy towards my home country after visiting this museum, regardless of party considerations.
War-ravaged as Vietnam is, Bill Clinton's lift on the trade embargo here in 1994 hugely revolutionized the economy throughout the country. Also, as disastrous and barbaric as the US was during the war, many Vietnamese consider good relations with America as a way to avoid having to do business with China, which is, in their books, an excellent thing. The brighter side of this is that, contrary to what I assumed and what most Americans probably assume, Vietnamese people do not loathe Americans- quite the opposite, especially in the case of Mr. Clinton. Thanks, Bill!
The central coastal cities of Hue and Hoi An were our next stops on the tour. Our tour guide, Jan, bearer of an unsightly hairy neck mole (mom and I just couldn't look away), but nevertheless an absolutely wonderful, knowledgeable, fun, and insightful tour guide led us through these two historic cities. His passion and enthusiasm were infectious, and his catch phrases such as, "Here's a kodak moment/wonderful photo opportunity," "take some time for smelling the roses," and a largely displaced "nevermind/ never you mind" propelled us on our whirlwind tours. I'll put a picture of him at the bottom of this post. Hue is the former capital and home of the royal family. The imperial city was located here during the French occupation. What wasn't bombed during the war remains as a beautiful testament to the rulers who lived there.
Hoi An is a small town about three hours south of Hue. This is the place where Vietnam's preeminence in overnight suit-making and tailoring originated. The mother, skeptical as always, was initially weary of these tireless clothiers, but, predictably, was swayed until her purchases exceeded mine and left her wanting more. When we first got there, the ladies keep harassing me saying, "We look after you," which I stupidly interpreted as, "We look up to you," to which I replied, "Yea, I know, I'm really tall." Classic Natalie move. Seriously though, if you have the chance to visit Vietnam, get yourself a whole wardrobe made. It's inexpensive, quality, and fits like a beaut. In the words of Jan, "You wouldn't believe it/unbelievable/just amazing".
Yesterday, we took a cooking course with a hilarious chef who told us to roll our spring rolls like joints, complimented my said rolling, and asked my mom if he could move in with me to cook for me. Yes, flattery goes a long way. Now Al and I are off to Hanoi and Halong Bay for the final leg of our trip. I don't want to even think about the fact that it's close to over, so I'll go because this post was really long, but here's Jan and I. Excuse my face as this was taken at 6:30 AM.
'Nam Part 1- Ho Chi Minh, Mekong Delta, and Hue
Last Day at Ban Namtok School
Leaving Northern Thailand 24.10.13
I know it's been forever since I posted anything, and I apologize. There's been a mix between not a lot to write about, general sloth, and a desire to get more perspective on this part of my travels before writing about them. Today was my last day at my volunteer gig at a school in a small village 35 kilometers east of Chiang Rai. The past month (with the exception of my fateful three-day Pai extravaganza- eye infection, black eye, mass hammocking) has been pretty peaceful. Whether or not that's a euphemism I still have yet to figure out for myself. I taught English in a very relaxed atmosphere- to students who actually wanted to learn, which, not to offend, was a great change of pace from Korea. I felt more connected to them in the month that I spent with them than I ever did to the kids I taught in Korea. We lived in the same village and spent every day together. We ate at the same noodle shops and bought soap at the same convenience stalls. There was such an outpouring of gratitude for my presence there from both the students and their families. On my more ambitious days, jogging to the waterfall nearby, everyone in town greeted me with a smile, if not a mock panting sound mimicking my silly western practice. But not really- many of the kids in town are into Muay Thai, and I had several Forrest Gumpish moments where I'd turn around to find one of them, Bun or Ying, trailing me and then, usually, passing me on the uphill. Bun even waved to me, started jogging, and yelled, "Teacher Natalie- America!" as I left today, which is obviously a moment I had to immortalize here for you all.
Before I left this afternoon, I asked the questions one can't help but ask upon finishing a volunteer stint. Did the cost of my volunteering outweigh the benefits reaped from it? I oftentimes was plagued with the notion that I was more of a burden than a help, and that feeling was really discouraging. It's also, as I'm beginning to see, really f**king self-centered. It's not only okay, but also probably more productive for me to focus simply on how I've helped rather than asking what the cost was. With that focus comes the necessity to be responsible to it as well. In other words, if I am going to concentrate solely on how I can contribute without focusing on what I siphon away, I need to take my role seriously. With a few minor exceptions to which I can honestly say, I'm human and mistake-ridden, I do feel like I fulfilled this. On the ride back into town today, my volunteer coordinator said that she heard one of my students speaking English yesterday, which, really unbeknownst to me, she could absolutely not do a month ago. Again, I wasn't there for me, and I certainly learned more from the people in Ban Namtok than they did from me, but of course, I felt really good about this. I don't consider myself to be a good teacher or a born teacher, and, as a former TFA girl I met in Malaysia poignantly pointed out, no matter how qualified you are, ESL education is essentially inherently ineffective. For all of these reasons, I'd never pursue teaching (plus salary concerns), but this wasn't about any of my trying to disect my function, the value of teaching, the benefit of volunteering, etc., etc. This was about the fact that I was able to help just one person in one small way, and I know I sound like a disgusting walking cliche right now, but that's all I needed, all I need.
Anyway, I know this isn't as funny as my Korea blog, and I can't tell if that's because I disliked Korea so much and have become less cynical, or if I'm actually not funny anymore. That would be tragic, but expected. For now, I'm off to Bangkok then to Nam tomorrow. It's been a pleasure, as always. Thanks for not doing a TL;DR if you've gotten to this point.