Do you feel bad right now? Kinda listless, like everything is being dumped on you? Eternal misery that cannot be fixed? Try eating a potato. You'll feel a lot better.
Potatoes, while obviously the single most lifegiving crop in human history, have gotten a bit of an unfair rap in the media. Be it because of carbohydrates, not enough greenery, or the fact that everyone only eats them fried to a crisp in oil and heavily salted, it seems like there is always a chance for our so-called "truth tellers" to deliver a slam to the noble spud.
Of course, improving your mood will require cooking a potato. Eating them raw does not seem to make me feel any better. And that can be difficult, if you are already feeling pretty terrible. That's why I think we should replace the police with people who hand out a baked potato. They could have like a little oven or something with them and when you want one, you get one.
Now, now, I hear a lot of you saying: oh, but then who will arrest the criminals? That's scarcity thinking. There'll be no criminals anymore. If you're feeling like you might want to rob a bank, it's possible that you just need a baked potato. With chives, little sour cream, bacon bits? Any nearby Potato Officer will provide, and then you can go right back to having a productive life, doing some kind of weird hobby instead of threatening to shoot a bunch of people unless they give you money that you would just use to buy potatoes anyway.
So I want you to think about this the next time the city police budget comes up for renewal. That could buy a lot of potatoes. Hell, it could buy some fried potatoes. Damn, that sounds pretty good right now, doesn't it? Way better than having some kind of unaccountable stealth helicopter flying down your alley because some asshole didn't get to eat dinner this evening and has committed an unspeakable crime about it.
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