I’m Not Shy. I Just Hste Everyone Around Me.

Amber | Asexual/Aromantic | Gryffindor | Daughter of Posedion | Alastair Carstairs and Raphael Santiago are iconic  

[agnes-draws]

chain of thorns scenes that rant free in my head 1/3

[the-secret-hours]

the way in the beginning cordelia just wanted her big brother back but she couldn’t have him because he was slipping away destroying himself to protect her

[thousand-winters]

"And he'd checked already to make sure that the Carstairs carriage was gone, which meant Alastair and Cordelia had already left for the party. Telling himself that he was being ridiculous, he raised a hand and knocked firmly on the door.

Which was answered immediately by Alastair.

"What are you doing here?" said Thomas indignantly.

Alastair looked at him with his dark eyebrows peaked. "I live here," he pointed out.""

Perfect, flawless

Not one second here in which Thomas hasn't been a disaster. Most of his scenes are making me laugh, I love him.

[thousand-winters]

"Alastair's skin was a few shades lighter than usual, which made his eyelashes look even darker. They framed his black eyes like the petals of a flower.

Petals of a flower? SHUT UP, THOMAS."

LMAO. Why is Thomas the only character aware of his internal narration? I have no idea, but he's the funniest motherfucker here just for that. I can't take him seriously, help, he's hilarious.

[literarybutconditional]

A lesson in how to get out of things from Alastair Carstairs.

[thechangeling]

I have no idea why the way James says this is bothering but it is bothering me.

It's the infantilizing vibes. It's the condescension.

Free Christopher from these people 2022.

[littlx-songbxrd]

No because I've had time to collect some of my thoughts and I am still mad. The way they treat Christopher is disgusting. Over and over again they keep treating him as if he were some kind of joke mind the fact he literally just saved the entirety if the london enclave while on his death bed.

The underline here is "I dont care what you think but I'll take you agreeing with me"

Is this the friendship im supposed to me rooting for?

Christopher literally has a chapter saying sometimes he doesnt think people like putting an effort into understanding him AND ITS PROVES LEFT AND RIGHT TO BE TRUE EVERY TIME AND THE WAY THIS IS THE FRIENDSHIP IM SUPOOSED TO BE ROOTING FOR?

I hate it i hate it i hate it i hate it

[the-secret-hours]

cringe culture is dead what shadowhunters do you kin

i’m a strong jem thomas alec julian which i feel like is a diagnosis in and of itself

[spearsandcarstairs]

I'm a Raphael and Henry myself ^^ odd combo i know

[youngreckless]

going to manifest that she's talking to alastair so i can make their friendship come true

[boredfangirl16]

If Alastair’s eventual confession of his undying love to Thomas doesn’t accidentally have half a dozen insults that makes him backtrack every five seconds, I don’t want it. 

[inahandful-of-dust]

“Few are saved,” said Raphael. “Nobody is spared. Somebody tried to save me once, and I will pay him back one day. I don’t choose to owe another debt, or for anyone to owe me. We all got what we wanted. The Shadowhunters and I are done.” - Ghosts of the Shadow Market; Son of the Dawn

This is making me emotional - especially considering Raphael's character arc.

[all-for-the-fanfiction]

OH MY GOD LOLA CONGRATULATIONS!!🥳JSKJJSJSJSK❤️❤️

Also 🖊 can I request a Thomastair post coi Hurt/comfort fic? No pressure write wherever you’re free!

OMG HI SIMRIT THANK YOU SO MUCH <333

Absolutely! (I'm so so sorry I took so long I got so behind on this like it's been EONS you probably don't even remember this but it's here I'm so sorry bestie <3) I hope you like it!

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Alastair wasn’t sure where he was or how he got there. He was afraid and yet it wasn’t at the same time. He was worried less about the feeling of a hold in his stomach and more about the fact that he couldn't force himself to remember where or how it got there no matter how hard he tried. And damn all the gods it hurt like hell.

He heard voices but the whole world sounded like it was underwater. Maybe he was drowning? He couldn’t tell. He didn’t feel like he was in any sort of water, but he most certainly knew he was up against something. He could feel the pressure on his back and side. His question was if he was up against a person or a wall of sorts?

That was when things went black.

Now he saw what was clearly a dream but it was a vivid memory. His mind had the cruelty to allow him to see it from an outside perspective. How miserable and angry and distraught he looked as he practically carried his drunken father up the steps to their house, not a soul inside was awake to help him. No, it was his problem now.

Then he was with Charles. He was only a teenager and didn’t understand exactly how he was being manipulated but he could see it very clearly now. The only regret he had was how much time he had wasted on Charles until he’d finally learned his lesson. They were at Alastair’s house, he was fretting because Charles was talking about marrying a woman to cover everything up, and Alastair didn’t quite feel like he could speak up and tell him he didn’t want him to do so. Why had he taken so long to finally cut himself loose from the stress of it all?

He was in the middle of dreaming of an argument he was having with Cordelia when they were teenagers, how he had pushed her away so much, when he suddenly woke.

There was a light pressure in his hand, from somebody else’s, and based on the sheer size of it he knew it was Thomas. He squeezed back.

Hazel eyes met indescribably dark ones when Alastair rolled his head to the side to see Thomas. A look of relief flashed across his lover's face and Alastair smiled lightly. “Alastair,” he breathed. He squeezed his hand again. “How do you feel?”

In truth he felt exhausted but he didn’t want to dream again. He remembered all of them vividly and he had no desire to revisit them or any other memories. He just shook his head, not feeling very well off speaking.

Thomas frowned in concern and picked up a glass of water from beside the bed Alastair was in, helping the other man drink from it. “Do you remember what happened?” He asked.

He shook his head.

“We were patrolling. We heard demons and we split up, James, Christopher and Cordelia were with us, we all went a different route to try and box it in. You must have thought you heard it on the roof because we were all on different street corners, and since you didn’t have one to cover you climbed up there. You took a bad fall and it got you in the stomach.” He grimaced slightly and Thomas nodded in agreement to the expression. “I know. You need to be more careful,” he joked. “But, we were worried, we rushed you back here and the silent brothers took care of you from there.” He squeezed his hand again. “I was worried.”

Alastair closed his eyes for a moment, reopening them again. “I’m sorry to worry you.”

He looked somewhat relieved that Alastair had spoken. He just shook his head and smiled slightly. “I’m just glad you’re alright now.” Alastair smiled and closed his eyes again as Thomas reached out to brush a bit of curly hair out of his face. He let himself relax but minutes later he found he was battling sleep. His eyes snapped open and Thomas gave him a questioning look. “What’s wrong?”

He shook his head. “Nothing.”

“Alastair-”

“I’m alright, truly.” He was met with a sceptical look but the taller of the two stood to fetch more water for Alastair. He sighed.

When Thomas came back he told Alastair he should get some rest, to which Alastair objected he wasn’t tired.

He raised an eyebrow. “You look exhausted.”

“I’m quite alright.”

“Doubtful.”

“Well, you can’t make me rest,” he said, crossing his arms.

“Cordelia could.”

“I’m not afraid of my little sister.”

“You should be.”

“A wonderful attempt, Tom, but Cordelia won’t get me to do it and neither will you.”

“I’ll get Eugenia.”

“I’m not afraid of her either.”

“And once again, I say, you should be.”

“No.”

“Why are you so opposed to it?” He asked, sitting back down in the chair next to the bed. “What’s wrong?”

“I’m just not tired.”

“You need sleep, Alastair.”

“And I will sleep later. I-”

“Alastair,” he said, levelling his gaze. “Talk to me. Please.”

He sighed. “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

“Why not?”

“You’ll find it strange.”

“I won’t.”

He shifted slightly, reaching for Thomas’ hand again and absently playing with his fingers. “I think I have nightmares.”

“You think?” He asked. His tone wasn’t judgemental in the slightest, more so curious.

“They’re more like memories.”

“Those qualify as bad dreams, I believe.”

“Well, then I do have nightmares. Ones I’d prefer to avoid.”

“Every night?”

“No, usually just when I’m ill or,” he gestured to where his bandaged midsection would be if not obscured by the blankets on the infirmary bed, “injured.”

“You have to sleep,” he said, “You won’t recover as well. And sleep deprivation doesn’t seem ideal.”

“I know,” he said, grimacing. “But how do I stop them?”

Thomas looked down, an expression of thought evident on his features. He smiled lightly, looking at Alastair softly. “Have you ever had them when someone else is with you?”

“I’m not sure.”

“Would you prefer someone to be with you? I could get Cordelia, or your mother, or Brother Zachari.”

Alastair smiled lightly. “And what? Tell them I’m scared to sleep.”

Thomas cocked an eyebrow. “It’s not like they would judge.”

“No,” he decided. A part of him still thought it embarrassing, especially to bother Brother Zachari, he was sure he had other matters to attend to. His mother was still recovering after the birth of Alastair’s little brother, and he’d rather not request such from Cordelia. He looked over at Thomas, squeezing his hand once more. “Will you stay with me?”

Thomas looked somewhat surprised. “Me?”

Alastair raised an eyebrow. “No, the other Thomas in the room. Yes, you.”

He smiled a little. “Gladly,” he said. He stood and kissed Alastair’s forehead gently. “Just close your eyes. I’ll still be here when you open them again.”

Alastair did close his eyes. He thanked Thomas quietly, then was carried off to sleep by only the haze of bad memories, and when he woke Thomas was still there, ready to see him to recovery, and tell him how much he loved him. The dreams were hard to see, the memories far less vivid, and he tended to forget most of them had been in his head while he slept when he woke up. Perhaps he’d be alright after all.

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Hope you liked it dear!

Let me know if you'd like to be added or removed! 💙

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[femmechilles]

"the ghost isn't alastair, emma is just imagining a random ancestor". the only carstairs from the past emma has ever met is jem; she recognizes the dagger and the writing on it as middle-eastern. she would imagine her ancestor as blonde based on what, exactly?

[drunkonimagination]

*everyone being super dramatic about thomas being the ghost*

my brain:

*don't laugh don't laugh don't laugh* no but imagine ghost thomas roasting emma bc she imagined alastair with blond hair

+ *flying books being thrown at emma* DARK HAIR IS SO DAMN BEAUTIFUL WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU ALL-

[alastaircarstairsdefenselawyer]

the interaction between alastair and charles where charles tells him that barbara died and alastair asks if thomas is okay and charles goes "i thought you hated those fellows" and alastair simply says "no" despite saying to cordelia literally 15 minutes earlier "let's never talk to those terrible people ever again" is the alastair equivalent of lucie complaining that thomas wont let anyone see his tattoo and alastair saying "I'd like to see it" and thomas immediately rolling up his sleeve

[the-secret-hours]

How the sanctuary scene was cut up so cc could make it seem longer

OOOQP{EGH}IPQEG this gets my blood BOILING its so obvious that cassie doesn’t give a shit about these two because the content is just so … lacking

the sanctuary scene is approximately 21 pages, split into 5 parts, a sickeningly short amount, but if we’re talking about the sanctuary when thomas and alastair are actually alone? we’re talking approximately 10 pages across 2 sections. AND THEY DONT EVEN DO ANYTHING FUCKING USEFUL THEY HAVE LIKE HALF OF A MEANINGFUL CONVERSATION AND THEN THOMAS SEES A BIT OF STOMACH AND SUDDENLY FORGETS HOW TO USE HIS WORDS

like dont get me wrong i fully support thomas getting his man but i mean,,,,,,,,, in a book where thomas spends the majority trying to kill alastair with a glare and heart attacks it would’ve been nice to have,,, some solid content…?????

like we get well over 10 pages in one scene for other couples who take up half the book but this is thomastairs only scene in the book and ITS SPLIT UP!?!?!?!? @E@R{|PTJQ y]p9n[wrh

and the fact that half of it was infodump and she just goes “yeah they kissed and talked but im not writing that thomas will just tell you it happened” LIKE MAAM HELLO?????? WHERE is the substance

the sanctuary scene is my comfort scene but also makes me want to walk into the ocean

[the-secret-hours]

How about the fact that Cordelia said to Matthew, “you probably think it’s horrible that I still love him after everything” about Alastair after he told her about the miscarriage

oh jesus oh sweet jesus i mean WHERE DO I BEGIN

okay first of all maybe im just an overdramatic bitch but the BETRAYAL of this? matthew told her that alastair spread a rumour and her first thought IS TO BE ASHAMED OF THE LOVE SHE HAS FOR HER FUCKING BROTHER, THE ONE WHO DESTROYED HIS LIFE TO PROTECT HER I MEAN GENUINELY WHAT IS HER PROBLEM

like this just lights such a pure rage in the deepest caverns of my soul i don’t even have the WORDS at this point i dont understand how that thought even crossed her mind “you must think me horrible for loving him” NO??>>??? LIKE WHY WOULD THAT EVEN CROSS HER MIND, WHY DOES SHE HAVE SUCH A LOW OPINION OF HER BROTHER THAT SHE WOULD ASSUME LOVING HIM IS SOMETHING WRONG, SOMETHING OTHERS WOULD THINK IS AWFUL??>??? LIKE ID EXPECT THAT LINE TO COME FROM HER IF ALASTAIR WAS THE SERIAL KILLER NOT THIS

im just so tired of watching alastair not have a single solid person in his life, not one person sticks by him steadfastly and im exhausted from watching matthew be the one to rip everything away from him I JUST WANT ONE PERSON TO PROUDLY LOVE ALASTAIR WHY IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR

[the-secret-hours]

okay. so. um. hi everyone. how are we all doing. i’m currently on public transport trying not to die from lack kf breathing. how is everyone else?

so. I HAVE SK MUCH TO SAY OH MYGFFFOOFNFNFNF

okay so firstly: this is like. 60% confirmation that we get a truce between matthew and alastair. which is just. oh my god. this says so much for both sides. firstly, it’s acceptance from the one major roadblock alastair had from moving forward. but arguably more important is what this means for matthew.

firstly it’s an acceptance of his own guilt. alastair has BEEN his scapegoat for years, been the thing he projects onto and deflects his own emotions with. because realistically as we all know matthews hatred has a flimsy foundation at best if it’s just the rumour. alastair is the one matthew places all his guilt and denial onto, so if matthew is accepting the importance of alastairs role in everyone’s life that means he’s taking back his responsibilities and his role in the death and his guilt and he’s moving forward

but whats sticking out to me the most is how we get to see the side effects of him letting go of this displacement of guilt. matthew latched onto this “rivalry” for his own sanity, and made himself believe this was the only way to protect and move forward. but he also dragged everyone else into this delusion with him. he’s managed to make christopher pretend to hate alastair, made james cling onto this for his own sake when we have canon evidence that james doesn’t particularly care about his past with alastair as much as anyone believes, and ripped away one of the only healthy relationships thomas had.

not only did alastair probably play a part in thomas’s sanity during the time of his sisters death but he was also just a plain good friend. we know this “rivalry” is an extension of matthews desperation but it’s also an extension of pure selfishness. matthew dropped the news of the rumour when thomas was intoxicated at the engagement party, probably happy for the first time since barbara’s death. matthew had no regard for thomas’s emotions or needs, no care that thomas had a friend who was helping. it didn’t matter that this was the one happy night thomas had, it mattered more that matthews point of view and feelings be recognized and enforced, no one else’s. it was matthews selfishness that caused that cruel of a confrontation.

but now we have matthew not only letting go of his own grasp of this rivalry but we have him letting go of his grip on his friends. he’s not so attached to this farce that he’s removing everyone from even thinking positively about alastair, no he’s telling alastair to go to thomas.

it’s a clear relinquishing of selfish want, because no matter the distaste he has towards alastair, hes acknowledging that his own feelings don’t run the world. that despite what he wants, it’s not what thomas needs, and for maybe the first time in this series, matthews wants will come second to his friends priorities, and MY GOD is that a sign of change. our boy is healing, slowly but surely, just as slowly but surely alastair is moving into this friend group.

in addition, we also have an acknowledgment of thomas and alastair’s relationship from matthew who’s #1 for most likely to be in denial about it, so thomastair nation rise we’re getting our boys back

now don’t even get me started on thomas “needing” alastair what the fuck happened thats so bad that MATTHEW is acknowledging thomastair ?!?

[the-secret-hours]

okay i feel like we need to talk about this more my little matthew stans

i wrote and posted this from the perspective of matthews characterization, it was just meant to be a fun lil analysis of what this change of behaviour could possibly mean (assuming hes not just bossing alastair around again) but ive seen too many people act like this is matthews perfection shining through again so lets take a step back

matthew healing in NO WAY erases the amount of hurt and pain hes put others through. mental illness is an EXPLANATION not an EXCUSE, him changing his ways doesn’t erase the trauma this boy has put alastair through no matter what they’re relationship turns into. this isn’t an excuse to pretend nothing bad ever happened, to pretend matthew didnt gaslight alastair and remove everyone from his life, to pretend he didnt prioritize his own needs and wants over everyone around him.