It stunned her how well he was coping with that kind of attention, even going as far as to stare right back at these people, almost as if he wanted to tell them to back off, as if he was ready to pick another fight —- surely, he was holding back around her, perhaps he had a little sister and he just got used to being more behaved around a female? She could only wonder, but she was admiring him for that kind of confidence, really. Despite the fact that she (or rather Oukiname-chan) was adored by many, her confidence was actually non-existent. She was – in the truest sense – a push-over. Just letting others tell her what to do or what she was supposed to do, mostly because it was her job to do as she was told to. There were many, many times she actually thought about how it would be like to have a boyfriend —- but then she not only remembered her contract, but also the fact that anyone would only date her for her status, not for herself. So, perhaps it was perfectly fine to have such a contract, therefore not having much freedom in pursuing a relationship. Of course, she could always talk to her producer and she could always talk to her managers, and there would always be a way to support her for when she was ready for a relationship… but the truth was, she kind of… didn’t see it. At least not for Onoda Sakamichi.
Once they met eye-to-eye, she could tell by the way he looked at her that he was not believing her —- and more so, that she made herself more suspicious than she wanted to. Nervously, she toyed with the collar of his jacket still, trying to seem as calm as she could, but she was really bad at hiding her emotions. Just by the way he curtly replied to her attempt at misleading his thoughts, she knew that he was not pleased with the little (to none) information he received from her. “I know, you’re not trying to hide that… you wouldn’t wear it on the back of your jacket, if you wanted to keep it a secret… I’m sorry…” She apologised for messing up that whole explanation, lowering her head lightly in defeat. It was kind of… rude, wasn’t it? To point that out and compare it to her situation. He was flaunting with what he had, but she thought that maybe she was not clear enough with her thoughts; she really had to train to articulate her thoughts more properly. “But I am sure that you have a very nice side of you too – aside from your hot-headed temper. You have a good heart, but I think, showing a good heart in your circles would be a defeat.” Peeking up, she shook her head softly. “I don’t think it’s a defeat to be gentle. You’ve protected me, in a way. And that was the first time someone was this nice to me.” She was not even exaggerating —- the only times people were nice was when she had her idol persona mode on —- it was kind of depressing. “I don’t mind seeing your rough side, I don’t mind seeing your kind side. I guess, both are you. Just do me a favour and never be ashamed of your soft side. ‘Cause… sometimes… you can forget yourself on the way.” Trying to explain her own feelings and thoughts and projecting them onto the redhead was one of the only ways she could manage, though shaking her head once more as she looked down. “Actually, nevermind. I was just rambling and babbling nonsense. I am sorry.”
When she thought that it was all over and done with —- that finally, the time has come for her identity to be revealed to the man —- it was as if her life passed right before her eyes… almost made her dizzy and short on breath. Her hands trembled poorly when she held onto his jacket so tightly, wanting to be eaten alive by the floor underneath her and disappear into a world where nobody would ever again call her ‘Oukiname-chan’, a world where people would actually look at Onoda Sakamichi and say ‘Nice to meet you, let’s be friends!’. But all the while she was practically hyperventilating about anyone finding out about her presence in this very store, she felt the man’s fingers tenderly hook on the strings of her facemask. She didn’t fight back, not wanting to cause a scene, but she felt her heart drop into her stomach and down to the ground for sure —- was he checking her face out with the figurine that stood in the corner of the store? Was he finally getting it?! Inside her head it was a rumbling noise, a conversation between her (if you could call it such, it was mostly just yelling and screaming), ‘You’re done for!!! He will know!’ – ‘Please, don’t let him get it, please don’t…’ – ‘I just want him to be nice to me for myself, not for Oukiname-chan!!!’, the excitement surely made her cheeks flush up intensely, not to mention how her heart was practically beating and thrusting against her throat, it was hard to breathe, hard to swallow.
Unable to read his thoughts, but seeing the confusion, she waited for him to speak up at last —- “You’re right, I don’t get it.” —- the words echoing in the back of her head as she calmly blinked up at him, trying to read his eyes if he was just saying one thing and thinking another, but truly… he must’ve been clueless. Feeling how he put the mask back in place, she exhaled softly and rolling her head down, “よかった” she sighed in relief, her arms feeling so heavy from the stress she just endured that she was unable to hold up his jacket anymore, more so tugging on the material as her arms sunk, she was sure, if she didn’t hold onto him like that, her knees would’ve given up unto the weight she felt on herself, giggling quietly. “I’m glad that you don’t get it…” She moved away from him and nodded her head towards the cashier as a sign for them to get out of the store sooner than later.
Waiting for Naruko to put the boxes onto the counter, she politely greeted the cashier, though he practically ignored her —- of course, the guy must think that she was just the accessory-girlfriend while the merchandise was actually all Shoukichi’s. It was nothing new to be rendered in these stereotypical ideas of people, but it would not change her attitude to be as nice as she could be to anyone. Even a grumpy cashier. Paying for the figurine must’ve been an eye-opener to the guy, but she really just didn’t care. Waiting for the boxes to be packed into bags, she took hers, spoke her ‘goodbye’s to the man as she waited for the redhead before they’d walk out of the store together.
Just by the door, she glanced over to the group of nerds who gathered around her figurine and vividly discussed matters to each other. “No, you don’t understand, man, if i met Oukiname-chan, I would ask her to be my girlfriend!” – “Dream on, buddy, she probably would date an idol, man… like someone really handsome…” Sakamichi stood there and looked over at these men, wondering just why they were so sure that they’d want to date a fake-persona. What was it that was so lovable about Oukiname-chan that she was missing? She was her, sharing the same body. “Pffff, an idol guy —- they have strict contracts about dating anyway…” – “SO DOES SHE PROBABLY, YOU MORON.” – “Just grab the DVD already and let’s pay…”
Once they took what they wanted and went off, she still stood there, staring at the smiling life-size figure of Oukiname-chan, feeling a twist in her stomach; it was not fair. She hated it so much. She hated them. It was so cruel to think that way – it was cruel to think that she hated her fans —- but they were disgusting. Not the girls, no, they were looking up to her and just tried their best to behave. But the men… they were really… primitive apes. Moving towards the installation then, she took a look at the DVD case, at the images of herself – trained smiles, trained poses, trained dances, trained song lyrics… it was like looking at an elaborate lie, really. Lost in thoughts, she really wasn’t paying attention to her surroundings, though looking over to Naruko shortly, as if she wanted him to come closer and take a look himself. She really was curious now. “What do you think of her, Oukiname-chan? She’s a really popular idol…” She lamely said, knowing that he probably didn’t know her (surely, a gang guy had better things to do than scream about idols, she presumed), so she… wanted to see his reaction.
attention was never something to be feared -- at least, not in his eyes. when you wore a jacket, as flashy as his, especially around the big areas in japan, you were bound to get attention in boat - loads. not all of that attention would ever be entirely positive, maybe not even half of it. but like they said, ‘bad publicity is still publicity’, he was still managing to pay his bills & feed his family back in osaka. that’s all that really mattered at heart -- his family, blood - related & not, they were his top priority above the rest of the world. while, his personality was usually far more explosive, naruko got into the habit of holding himself back, not only around his younger sister, but all of his family together. his mom would have a heart attack if she saw the way that her son acted on a daily basis -- not to mention, he was sure she would go around furiously bowing & apologizing to anyone he’d ever shot a nasty eye to. she was just that kind of woman, & he couldn’t stand to disappoint her like that. it was better to just conceal the anger, the violence, all of it, just to protect that pretty little picture that she had of her son inside of her head. even if he wouldn’t admit it, sometimes it was that silly little ideal she had for him that kept him human -- becoming completely heartless would only break her. he couldn’t stomach that thought. she’d already been broken by her own husband. to let every man in her life disappoint her would be entirely heartless.
watching as the woman’s bravery practically crumpled up in front of him, he felt horrible. was he too harsh? he really didn’t mean to be so blunt. it just happened naturally -- & most had the same reaction as she. they would simply crumple up & apologize to him. in truth, all he really wanted was a real answer to his question . . . all of this mystery . . . it wasn’t as attractive as magazine aimed at pre - teen girls made it out to be ( he could thank his younger sister for that kind of knowledge ). he wanted to immediately tell her that it was fine, that she wasn’t expected to know a single thing about gang culture . . . but naruko ended up just sitting there with his lips pulled into a tight line listening to her explanation. he couldn’t cut her off without feeling as if he was only making her feel worse. it was best to just let her speak without interjections on his part. his guilt began to fade as she further explained what she was trying to say -- it made him feel just a bit better knowing that she didn’t think of him only as the rough & tough gang member that everyone else saw him as. for once, someone saw through the outer shell that everyone else seemed to stop at -- no one wanted to see what he had underneath . . . but this woman, she could see through him. pressing his hand to the back of his head, naruko ruffled his hair a bit, trying to take in what the woman was saying. he knew that onoda was making a good point . . . and was pretty much right in her words -- but he couldn’t bring himself to talk about it so openly. it was weak, not being able to talk about his feelings, but at the same time . . . he just couldn’t do it. explaining his life to this girl that he just met seemed like it might be a bit too early. not to mention -- in public, he had to be the tiger king, not naruko. in truth, it was much similar to her situation.
her relief to his confusion was unexpected . . . was she really expecting it to be that simple? to just not tell him & say that it was all fine. he’d already seen her face -- maybe he should just be happy with that. it wasn’t like she was some kind of demon or even a criminal. thinking back to makishima’s magazines . . . NO. she wasn’t one of . . . those either. it was something bigger than that, there was something that onoda didn’t want to tell him & perhaps it had everything to do with where they were, rather than mistrust towards him. allowing her to rush him to the register, naruko wordlessly placed the figmas up on the counter so the cashier could ring them up. he was completely lost in his own thoughts, forgetting to be polite & offer to pay. it’s not like it would shock anyone -- he didn’t look like the type to have manners after all. even if onoda made him feel like he was more than just a street rat, he couldn’t possibly look past the general feelings towards his appearance. one woman could keep him human, but she couldn’t make him forget the kind of person that he really was.
following her out of the store, he was confused why she stopped all of a sudden. it seemed that things just continued to get more & more confusing with this woman . . . not that he hated it. it wasn’t like he was completely transparent on his side. sure, she knew that he was in a gang -- but she didn’t know the terrible things that ensued. most people thought that it was just a bunch of troublemakers that like to be loud & flashy, but there was so much darker stuff that happened beneath that. things that he didn’t even want to begin to explain to the other. with that in mind, he couldn’t exactly be angry at her for not telling him the whole story here. everyone had a few things that they wanted to keep secret. at first, he thought that a group of men were just shoving her around again -- hearing the loud way that they spoke. listening to them drooling over a stupid statue was so pathetic . . . he may not have been completely proud of himself -- but he was proud not to be that. looking over the figurine, he couldn’t see the appeal that these men would have for her. it’s not like she was flashy or cool -- she was feminine & soft. while, cute, he couldn’t see why these men found her so interesting. it almost seemed creepy -- sexually so. of course, he like things that were small & fragile . . . he found them adorable, but not in the way that these men did. he wouldn’t drool over an idol, or wish that he was their boyfriend. worrying about his own life was so much more important than idolizing someone else. naruko didn’t consider himself a fan of anyone else -- he didn’t have that kind of time. sure, he had a good amount of people that looked up to him, but looking up to others was not his style. what was cool about kissing someone else’s heels?
walking up to the figure alongside the girl, he was taken aback by her question. what did he think? it didn’t really matter, did it? he was just a stupid criminal & this was . . . for people who had nothing to look up to in their life? it almost felt too cruel to think that way -- but years of dealing with the scum of the city made your emotions turn sour. he couldn’t really enjoy things like he wanted to. he could for his siblings, but when it came down to it all, it really didn’t matter, not even a little.
“if you ask me, she looks kind of sad.” it felt strange to say the things that he was truly thinking -- while, he prided himself on being blunt, it was hard to be honest. especially when it came to speaking about cheesy things like idols & interests. his own feelings were the cheesiest of all. “popular, huh? i’ve never heard of her.” of course he hadn’t. did he look like the kind of man that fawned over girls in frilly skirts & glitter? he thought that they were cute, but he wouldn’t be caught dead carrying around a keychain or a figure of someone like that. “these kinds of things feel so fake to me though . . . who actually looks like that? it’s all a show -- which, don’t get me wrong, i love flashy shit . . . but it’s kind of strange when men idolize this.” he reached out & poked the figures cheeks, finger tapping against the hard plastic. “it’s fake.”