attention was never something to be feared – at least, not in his eyes. when you wore a jacket, as flashy as his, especially around the big areas in japan, you were bound to get attention in boat - loads. not all of that attention would ever be entirely positive, maybe not even half of it. but like they said, ‘bad publicity is still publicity’, he was still managing to pay his bills & feed his family back in osaka. that’s all that really mattered at heart – his family, blood - related & not, they were his top priority above the rest of the world. while, his personality was usually far more explosive, naruko got into the habit of holding himself back, not only around his younger sister, but all of his family together. his mom would have a heart attack if she saw the way that her son acted on a daily basis – not to mention, he was sure she would go around furiously bowing & apologizing to anyone he’d ever shot a nasty eye to. she was just that kind of woman, & he couldn’t stand to disappoint her like that. it was better to just conceal the anger, the violence, all of it, just to protect that pretty little picture that she had of her son inside of her head. even if he wouldn’t admit it, sometimes it was that silly little ideal she had for him that kept him human – becoming completely heartless would only break her. he couldn’t stomach that thought. she’d already been broken by her own husband. to let every man in her life disappoint her would be entirely heartless.
watching as the woman’s bravery practically crumpled up in front of him, he felt horrible. was he too harsh? he really didn’t mean to be so blunt. it just happened naturally – & most had the same reaction as she. they would simply crumple up & apologize to him. in truth, all he really wanted was a real answer to his question … all of this mystery … it wasn’t as attractive as magazine aimed at pre - teen girls made it out to be ( he could thank his younger sister for that kind of knowledge ). he wanted to immediately tell her that it was fine, that she wasn’t expected to know a single thing about gang culture … but naruko ended up just sitting there with his lips pulled into a tight line listening to her explanation. he couldn’t cut her off without feeling as if he was only making her feel worse. it was best to just let her speak without interjections on his part. his guilt began to fade as she further explained what she was trying to say – it made him feel just a bit better knowing that she didn’t think of him only as the rough & tough gang member that everyone else saw him as. for once, someone saw through the outer shell that everyone else seemed to stop at – no one wanted to see what he had underneath … but this woman, she could see through him. pressing his hand to the back of his head, naruko ruffled his hair a bit, trying to take in what the woman was saying. he knew that onoda was making a good point … and was pretty much right in her words – but he couldn’t bring himself to talk about it so openly. it was weak, not being able to talk about his feelings, but at the same time … he just couldn’t do it. explaining his life to this girl that he just met seemed like it might be a bit too early. not to mention – in public, he had to be the tiger king, not naruko. in truth, it was much similar to her situation.
her relief to his confusion was unexpected … was she really expecting it to be that simple? to just not tell him & say that it was all fine. he’d already seen her face – maybe he should just be happy with that. it wasn’t like she was some kind of demon or even a criminal. thinking back to makishima’s magazines … NO. she wasn’t one of … those either. it was something bigger than that, there was something that onoda didn’t want to tell him & perhaps it had everything to do with where they were, rather than mistrust towards him. allowing her to rush him to the register, naruko wordlessly placed the figmas up on the counter so the cashier could ring them up. he was completely lost in his own thoughts, forgetting to be polite & offer to pay. it’s not like it would shock anyone – he didn’t look like the type to have manners after all. even if onoda made him feel like he was more than just a street rat, he couldn’t possibly look past the general feelings towards his appearance. one woman could keep him human, but she couldn’t make him forget the kind of person that he really was.
following her out of the store, he was confused why she stopped all of a sudden. it seemed that things just continued to get more & more confusing with this woman … not that he hated it. it wasn’t like he was completely transparent on his side. sure, she knew that he was in a gang – but she didn’t know the terrible things that ensued. most people thought that it was just a bunch of troublemakers that like to be loud & flashy, but there was so much darker stuff that happened beneath that. things that he didn’t even want to begin to explain to the other. with that in mind, he couldn’t exactly be angry at her for not telling him the whole story here. everyone had a few things that they wanted to keep secret. at first, he thought that a group of men were just shoving her around again – hearing the loud way that they spoke. listening to them drooling over a stupid statue was so pathetic … he may not have been completely proud of himself – but he was proud not to be that. looking over the figurine, he couldn’t see the appeal that these men would have for her. it’s not like she was flashy or cool – she was feminine & soft. while, cute, he couldn’t see why these men found her so interesting. it almost seemed creepy – sexually so. of course, he like things that were small & fragile … he found them adorable, but not in the way that these men did. he wouldn’t drool over an idol, or wish that he was their boyfriend. worrying about his own life was so much more important than idolizing someone else. naruko didn’t consider himself a fan of anyone else – he didn’t have that kind of time. sure, he had a good amount of people that looked up to him, but looking up to others was not his style. what was cool about kissing someone else’s heels?
walking up to the figure alongside the girl, he was taken aback by her question. what did he think? it didn’t really matter, did it? he was just a stupid criminal & this was … for people who had nothing to look up to in their life? it almost felt too cruel to think that way – but years of dealing with the scum of the city made your emotions turn sour. he couldn’t really enjoy things like he wanted to. he could for his siblings, but when it came down to it all, it really didn’t matter, not even a little.
“if you ask me, she looks kind of sad.” it felt strange to say the things that he was truly thinking – while, he prided himself on being blunt, it was hard to be honest. especially when it came to speaking about cheesy things like idols & interests. his own feelings were the cheesiest of all. “popular, huh? i’ve never heard of her.” of course he hadn’t. did he look like the kind of man that fawned over girls in frilly skirts & glitter? he thought that they were cute, but he wouldn’t be caught dead carrying around a keychain or a figure of someone like that. “these kinds of things feel so fake to me though … who actually looks like that? it’s all a show – which, don’t get me wrong, i love flashy shit … but it’s kind of strange when men idolize this.” he reached out & poked the figures cheeks, finger tapping against the hard plastic. “it’s fake.”
Onoda was not aware of the pain she may have caused to the other by simply apologising; if anything, she was mere the type to step one step forward and 5 steps back. She really didn’t like to fight, and once the other seemed to give her such a reply, she couldn’t help but retreat herself. She was not scared to have the other get physically violent towards her, oh no. Sakamichi was more so scared to have upset the other in any way, shape or form, really. She did not like the thought of bringing negative emotions upon others... to go as far and to think she was in any position to understand the other’s situation was far-fetched for sure, but it was solely meant harmlessly, wanting to bond with him in her odd, quirky way. Nonetheless, she’d notice if the man was angered to the point that he didn’t want to talk to her anymore.
Even less unaware of how she was rubbing him the wrong way by not revealing herself (or rather, by hiding her alter ego, that one personality she really disliked and rather wanted to be buried alive, while all she wanted was for people to love her true self), she merely guessed that it was a nice change for once to be liked for who she was for real instead of needing to fake and pretend all the time. But then again, she pondered and pondered, looking over at him as they stood by the cashier’s, next to each other, so close, yet so far ---- his eyes made it evident that his mental self was nowhere near present and thus it scared her a little bit to wonder if she had truly upset him. All the while she thought about it, Sakamichi gulped and realised that as much as she knew about him, she revealed little to none about herself. Was that fair? No... no, it was not fair. Surely, she didn’t know all the details (yet) and perhaps that was not even necessary... but to know that there were two side on that redhead, it was only the right thing to do to show him that there were also two side on that bespectacled, nerdy girl.
So -- she had to go for it and tell him. Hiding her idol persona would only lead to lies and more lies. She did not want to lie to that man, not with such honest actions he had done for her, in her favour, in order to protect her. Honesty was the key to a healthy relationship, no matter if its platonic or romantic. As much as she hated to reveal it... she just... had to.
As she stood there in front of that plastic figurine, side-eyeing the man curiously, her hands were shaking a little, her voice sure would crack if she spoke up now for her heartbeat was thrusting wildly against her ribcage -- ‘Be still, be still!’ She urged herself, but it didn’t matter how many times she tried to calm herself down, it was just nerve-wrecking. There was no turning back now. Sure, she could just shrug it off, depending on the redhead’s reaction, walk out of the store and pretend she just thought that the figurine looked cute... but it was not in her nature to actually lie! It was already hard enough to hide her identity in public, but to go as far as to lie to the other? She wasn’t that type of person, no matter how much she would have to pay for being honest and telling the truth, she just... had to.
Waiting nervously for his reaction, it was almost like bowing down and counting down for until the guillotine was crashing down to behead her. No, it was even worse than that. The idol even had to close her eyes, feeling dizzy with anticipation. But she wasn’t sure if she felt better or worse once the Wild Fang gangster spoke up.
“If you ask me, she looks kind of sad.”
In shock, she was unable to react at first, though slowly, steadily, she turned her head to look at the taller, her eyes visualising the fright she just endured, and still is enduring thanks to the tense situation. How weird that he was able to just... hit the nail on its head. Sad. Looking over to her figurine and how Oukiname-chan was posing with her signature megane-pose and her dazzling smile, all Sakamichi felt upon that display was sadness, melancholy, despair. Again, she had to gulp hard, feeling a lump in her throat and as if she was about to suffocate, as if someone choked her from inside. Never heard of her?! She couldn’t help but snickering, stifling it afterwards to not seem as if she had gone mad. Surely, only someone who was not into the idol world was someone who had never heard of Oukiname-chan... but even more so, it was refreshing and pleasant. She didn’t want to be known, she didn’t even want to be famous. In all honesty, she started to be an idol in order to make people smile and let them feel happiness through her songs. All of which she stood for soon disappeared through the media and through the way people treated her, how people saw her, how everyone wanted to put her into a position that she did not want to have. Fame was never her goal. Just happiness. Spreading love and kindness. But these dreams had faded long, long ago.
And the more he explained, even going as far as to poke Oukiname-chan’s cheek and call her a fake, she was merely amazed at all the things that oozed out of him, all the words he had ready for that idol. All the while, she just listened. And the more she listened, the less nervous she felt, really. It was then, that she started laughing another time, pressing her hands against her mouth even though it was covered by her mouth-mask still. It was the laughter of joy, clearly. Exhaling deeply, she felt as if some heavy rock rolled off her frail chest, shaking her head a little. “Mhm, I understand. I understand it all now. Thank you, Naruko-kun. However, I have a little something to tell you, on my behalf...”
While she stood in a manner that the man would surely shield her from the rest of the store, so nobody would point their fingers at her and see the idol, she started peeling off her mask, standing next to the life-size figurine and mimicking the megane-pose of Oukiname-chan in order to make it clear to the other that she was her. Once she made that clear, Sakamichi covered part of her face again, laughing lamely. “You’re right, she is fake. And I don’t even like flashy things on myself. They look nice on others, but... that’s not me... yet, everyone loves Oukiname-chan... but... not for what I want them to love her. And more so, none of them would bother to look at me, Onoda. If I were to put down my face-mask and walk around in this store, they’d all scream ‘Oukiname-chan!’, when she’s just fabricated and... not real.” Moving to look at the figurine, she poked its cheek as well, blinking. “But I have to disagree: she is very happy, she isn’t sad. Perhaps you’ve mistaken that feeling for someone else’s...” If anything, it was the real person’s feelings... Onoda really didn’t know how he would’ve grasped that kind of sadness through something like a plastic-look-a-like?! Interesting...
“But. I would like for you to not look at me differently, please. I am sick of people seeing me as her. There is a lot to explain, but right now is not the time. All you have to know is that despite me entrusting you with the truth, I don’t ever want you to treat me the way these guys treat Oukiname-chan. I want you to treat me the way you’d treat Onoda Sakamichi. You’ve got to promise me, Naruko-kun... please?”