dear Kevin,
you've been gone since 2018, so it's been 5 years since you died.
even after 5 years, there is still so much I wanted to say, and I've been ruminating or last meeting before you passed probably a month later, and my mind hasn't been the same since. And I mean that in a bad way. There was nothing GOOD about you, despite what other people said about you in the obituary. Everybody might miss you, and never forget you, but I go through periods of time where I do not miss you, and want to forget you. But again, it's only been 5 years. There is so much I wanted to say to you, and I originally wanted to make this last post about you on your Gaiaonline account a long time ago, because that had all our memories. Well partially. I remember you taking time to create all these accounts for an automatic web browser refresher that continued to accumulate Gold to buy pixels for our avatars, haha. I remember some of the account names, too. But the last one you made, I couldn't find it anywhere, like it disappeared. Like you did. So this is why I'm here. On an old account, what no one will probably read. And if you do, I don't care really. I'm just venting about old memories. I remember bits and pieces of you. I met you originally through my cousin that I no longer talk to. You were a long time friend of his, and that's how you came into my life. But you were with someone else at the time before we even made ourselves official. I remember that her name was Annie. I remember you both were in this toxic relationship were you both just told each other you wanted to kill yourselves. At 15/16 years old. I don't remember much else after, but you two broke up shorty after. So you were her first; and you were mine. My first relationship. Probably a short 2 year one at that. I remember meeting and walking up my street near the cemetery, and you used to bring me chips ahoy chewy cookies bc they were my favorite. And we used to sit under trees, snack, and talk. Then your mom would pick you up. The first few months, I wasn't allowed over your house, and you weren't allowed at mine without supervision. Again we were teenagers. Probably 8 months in, your mom used to pick me up in the van with your two younger sisters; I remember them, too. They liked me a lot and would try to follow me around when I was at your house. We spent time together in your room, talking about music, and watching anime. Hell, my first anime with you was Elfen Lied. Fucking bonkers. I remember awkwardly having dinner with your family, and the cups you kept in the freezer that stayed icy and cold for the iced teas I used to drink. That was our daily routine. After a while things got serious, the timeline is iffy from here, but I remember you suggesting sex, and our only chance was being unsupervised at your drug addict's father's place. You told me he was out buying heroine, and that we would be alone. You hinted sex, and got a condom, and well, that was my first time. I remember it being awkward, and I didn't like it at all. Then it was over.
At the year mark , I think you got me a promise ring. Anything after that, I don't really remember. It's foggy, but during that year it was just a lot of hanging out, and I vaguely remembering piercing my lip at your house hahaha. My mom was so mad. I wasn't allowed there for a week. So we met at my cousin's house. We were reckless, weren't we? You and him were experimenting with weed, and I wasn't involved. I didn't want to. Then the 2 year mark hit, and you changed. You got more into hanging out with other people, someone named Michaela was your new smoke buddy also bc school friends. And I remember going over your house but you would leave and go into a neighbors garage and just smoke. You spent less time with me, and I knew from there on, you got bored of me.
I remember the fight we had, and we didn't fight much aside from the one time we went into my cousin's bathroom so have sex, and I just didn't want to keep going, so you also guilted me but victimized yourself by saying you raped me. It was on AIM, it was the only main interaction online at the time. You wanted me to hate you to make it easier for you to break It off. You called me every name in the book. You broke not only me but my heart. It was over. You broke up with me ONLINE.
You asked for the ring back but I don't remember if I sold it, or gave it back. I don't remember at all. But it was over for us. Months later I find out you and Michaela started dating, and last I heard of you, you were still together even years later after we cut contact.
My cousin would occasionally bring you up years later. Last thing I heard about you was that you were in the footsteps of your dad. On a binge of alcohol mixed with hard drugs. that's the last I heard of you.
I moved on.
but,
somehow we reconnected. you found me and messaged me in 2018. things had changed, I had dated two other people in between that time, and they both failed as well. You said you were on new medication, and were continuing going to school, and you were always one to enjoy technology and computers, so it was no surprise to me. You went from goth kid to nerd. I didn't even recognize you. But you offered to pick me up in some beat up car, we parked near a beach and just started talking. We talked about our lives and what led us to here. I told you I was nonbinary now, but you still sat there next to me, misgendering and kept calling me she. a woman. I asked to go home. and you did.
another week passed, you told me over text messaged you had relapsed. you drove inebriated to my HOUSE asking for help. all I could offer was to drive you home, and I shouldn't have done that because I had plans with someone the morning after. Like an idiot, I did it anyway. That was MY mistake.
You asked me to stay over to watch you. You didn't want to be alone. I stayed the night. You offered me an oversized shirt to change into for pajamas, and I foolishly complied as you watched me undress. You still had the same childhood bedroom like your mom never changed it. The same twin bed we had memories in, sharing a blanket and watching movies in. In that moment, it felt like we were back sharing the same moment of time.
We shared the bed, but had different blankets to ourselves. You talked while you tried to sleep, but you were restless and scared to talk about how badly you fucked up in your life after we parted ways. I said nothing. I was trying to sleep shortly after, waiting for you to slip into sleep first. But you had woken me up, your hand in my pants and prying your way into me. I resisted, you got the gist of the vibe and rolled over to go back to sleep. I stayed awake the rest of the night.
Morning came, the plans I had were a little behind and he offered to drive me, but also be the third wheel to my friend and I. We were late, you were being annoying. I'm so sorry, Winter. They asked if I was okay, they could sense something was wrong, but I couldn't tell you. I'm sorry.
Months passed since then, we stopped talking as much.
I don't recall when was the next time you reached out to me, but you said you were in a motel room nearby, and you reached out because you had fucked up and bought drugs, off your meds, and needed support. At the time, I hesitated. Said to call for someone else. You said you couldn't. You had no one. But that was a lie, wasn't it? You lured me there. You took advantage of me while I was vulnerable, and me being a fool, didn't want to be responsible for your wrongdoings. Whatever it may be.
I went there. You were partially dressed, alcohol was everywhere, and your meds bottles were scattered and everywhere on the table. I didn't know if you had taken it all, said fuck it and decided not to take them or not. OR just set it up to be seen that way. I was stupid. I stayed and listened to you saying you wanted to die. Nothing to live for. All this Good you worked hard for, was for nothing. You said everything fucked bored you. I didn't say anything.
You took out a pocket knife and threatened to take your life in front of me. Whether or not you took this opportunity to make me feel bad, you threatened me to help.
Everything after here is fuzzy. But soon after I remember you taking off my pants after subduing me on the bed that I was sitting while you paced around the room. Still holding the knife. I was scared. You raped me. You passed out afterwards and I stayed. Like a fucking idiot, I STAYED. You didn't throw up or convulse. Nothing bad happened.
The next morning I left and cut all ties with you. I remember watching the housekeepers trying to wake you up to leave because you stayed past check out. I drove away and that was the last I saw of you.
I never answered your texts, or calls, and even blocked you on every social media account I didn't want you to find me on.
Months later, you died. 10 days after my birthday.
They said you were with friends, and someone slipped you fentanyl that was mixed with other stuff you had taken before and you were unaware. You died in a truck that day. I'll never know if it was on purpose or not. Everyone in your life went to your funeral. Said they hid bottles of your favorite liquor (Hypnotic? I think It was) in your casket as they carried you to your plot. I didn't go. Just heard through the grapevines.
That's all I knew, and all I know.
I do not forgive you. Goodbye. I hope that in the next 5 years, I'll forget you entirely. Completely. Into nothingness.
See you never, Kevin.
