Spilled Inks

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference.

[spilledinks95]

a mile

i write as if i know

as if i’ve lived a thousand years

as if i’ve been fighting wars or people or this world

i feel maybe i am a fraud

feeling as if i know struggle, hurt, and pain

when i only have myself and my stories

i did not fight battles

i fought myself

i fought identity

i fought loneliness

i fought depression

i fought madness

i only have my scars and my truth

so how am i supposed to help those

- who’ve lived through the unimaginable-

get up and keep going

when i’ve only just begun to crawl

[spilledinks95]

miles

Paved darkness    

Miles and miles

Stretching out

Into the beyond

Stealing my heart

And pulling it Further

and Further Away

from my other half

But outside  

past the cities

above the trees

tucked into the black  

are twinkling reminders

Of you

[spilledinks95]

Untethered.

So I said what do you like about me he gazed at me I held my breath and so he began: there is nothing unlovable about you for I see your dishonesty and modesty the truths you have half told   the ones you’ve hidden, caged and closed all of you I have seen so now give me your arms i will give you my strength give me your self-hatred i will give you my eyes for now you can fly, free and unencumbered 

[spilledinks95]

cold

I’m cold I say When they ask Me Why do you wear a coat When it’s summer I hide behind the truth Of what people Would think if they knew That under this coat Lies evidence of A struggle A pain A destruction I did it Myself I took all the darkness In my head And made a masterpiece On my arms I painted a story no one would Want to read And that only I could understand I’m okay I say When they ask Me What is on my arms I hide behind the truth Of what people Already know I did Because saying it Makes their reality undisturbed And my mind safer 

[spilledinks95]

Feelings and Memories

trapped forever inside rows of script Love and passion emit from those beautiful handwritten words- sculpted so true and so pure A chronicle of subjective truths confessing, proclaiming, and believing In a world where only we exist A better half Enlightened by meaning and purpose Two hearts One soul Nothing could ever make me feel so loved and wanted Isn’t that what we all want? To feel wanted? To have a purpose? To find a soul mate who incites passionate wars in your heart?

[spilledinks95]

sweet, oh so sweet

we were apart but our hearts they beat as one none told us that even with this heart ache the distance was making our hearts grow fonder we tried to live apart and in fake than ponder why our love was as pure as honey so sweet so sweet so sweet 

[spilledinks95]

forever & always

the moment we kissed skin on skin your sweet taste mixed with passion and desperation it broke all silences it shattered sorries it ripped apart the distance that separated our hearts from being one bodies on bodies apologizing with no words just holding on to forever and letting go of never be my forever, will you? 

[spilledinks95]

Is this lust or love?

Is this lust or love? I opened the secret door that I’ve been trying to close shut for months I don’t know why I did it...something Something just tempted me I opened the door and everything just came flooding back All the memories You’re like a parasite But what are you living off of? My body My pain My love When did it happen for you? When you were in the shower, feeling the hot water cascade over you Or was it when you were lying in bed, awake at 3 AM just staring at the ceiling do you know that you still turn my insides into caramel you just have this effect on me I don’t know why I opened those doors And let you in Maybe third time is the charm Or maybe third time makes me a fool

[spilledinks95]

bleeding dry

You know, when it happened All I wanted was to feel that pain Across my skin I wanted to feel it cut through Feel the air burn my exposed self That’s what I wanted But instead I cried I cried until my eyes were swollen I didn’t want to drink Or do drugs To forget what had just happened I wanted to feel the pain Over And over Again And drown myself in it And that’s what is so scary- it’s when I think back to how I had such compulsions, but no one would have ever known. No one would have ever known that this was...is my addiction, my weakness. That’s what is so scary...being able to hide behind a mask of deception and pain. Do you know how I feel ? 

[spilledinks95]

you, see

you see it all wrong you see this progress as a way of me forgetting you but just realize for once that you walked away you said you wanted love in another place when love was staring back at you so tell me why why does me being with someone determine whether i talk to you or not why can’t you just be honest with yourself and me that you don’t know what want and you have never known why don’t you just admit that you would rather be lost with me than be lost in life without me why can’t you just say goodbye and not look back like i have been trying to do all this time

[spilledinks95]

out of the blue and into the black

today you texted out of the blue saying things like sorry sad and ammends but all i heard was hurt hearts and ends i felt like this conversation was all deja vu you have said these things before in another life when i was seventeen and full of strife don’t you remember or were you  blinded

too 

by your own knife 

[spilledinks95]

there were times when i cried for every girl that burned you, hurt you, cheated on you, and discarded you. i cried because i couldn’t imagine someone hurting your heart on purpose.

- g. p., what is that, if not love? 

[spilledinks95]

Migrating.

It’s November. The leaves are falling The birds are leaving The air is colder November it sheds its skin readying itself for a new coat I think November might be my month the thing I have been waiting for Lately, I don’t really know who I am I feel like one of those leaves that has fallen off a maple tree I don’t belong to anything I am just floating around Waiting for something to catch me and hold me 

[spilledinks95]

city limits

We walk along the dead grass, hand in hand beneath the scorching Texas sun I don’t know what was in the air more, cannabis or love, but whatever it was it was magical 

We flaunted our love Now, I walk on the same dead grass A year has passed So many things haven’t changed But so many have 

[spilledinks95]

the one.

i lay in my bed. the one we took a nap in said i love you in sang baby, it’s cold outside in we laughed  we dreamed we smiled so many memories just floating around me, hanging on the fabric of my pillows i feel tears forming in my eyes, but i am stronger than them i fight them back i will be ok i will be stronger than this heartache because no open door or window should have stopped you from leaving no excuse or feeling should have made you let me go i deserve someone who will fight for me as hard as i fought for you

-g.p., baby, it’s cold outside 

[spilledinks95]

missing you more

i miss you and everything we were. i have never felt more alone after getting a taste of happiness with you. nothing feels the same. i wish you would talk to me, call me and tell me you need me because i need you so much and i hate myself for feeling this way. for once, i wish you would need me too. i want this pain to stop and i want to feel alive again. i am sorry if those letters made you see a monster in me, i dont regret writing them, but i do wish you had said something back. no one will love you the way i love you. i wish you were in my life. i hope this is not the end of us.

-g.p., “i don’t know what i see in my future” 

[spilledinks95]

forget me not

i said don’t forget me because it’s something i’ve always feared having a brain that never forgets any memories, the good and the bad it sucks, because the worst memories are the ones i want to forget but can’t so i said don’t forget me because with each passing day, our story fades just a little bit until one day all i am is a foggy memory all i am to you is a pile of could haves, would haves, cant haves all i am to you is a memory that will eventually fade so please, try not to forget me because there is not a day that goes by that i don’t forget you and it’s not that i want to forget you, it’s just that i can’t  

-g.p.