The Life of Spoiledmrsjones

I do everything, not always well but I do it. I use Tumblr to write some of my thoughts gained by my personal experiences and those shared with me. I never intend to hurt, but writing/speaking in the moment is freeing. I like the fact that readers who know me question what relates to me, or them, and readers who don't just relate. Journey with me and read my thoughts without judgement

[spoiledmrsjones]

Mediocre Love

Him: What would you rate our relationship on a scale of 1-10?

Her: in what context? Overall, or how I feel? I need to understand the question better. Give me your number.

Him: I’d rate it a 5

Her: (holding in tears) Well, if we’re basing it off how much I love you, a 10. If you’re rating it on how we’ve persevered, an 8. If you’re rating it based on our communication, a 6. Overall, I’d say 7.5, 8.

There’s no way I could love you “halfway.” There’s no way our story’s beginning, the middle we’re living in, and the future I have dreams about could ever be “mediocre”; it could never be a 5. The beginning, the point where you made me see I could be loved so intensely for just breathing, could never be a 5. The way you’ve loved me during my more finer moments and not so fine moments could never be a 5. The way we support each other’s dreams and aspirations could never be a 5. The way we lay together even when we’re upset about each other’s responses earlier in the day could never be a 5. My dreams and prayers for our future could never allow me to disrespect our love by rating it a 5. You see my belief in US alone is far above mediocrity. There’s nothing mediocre about how I love you, but it hurts to know it’s how you love me.

[spoiledmrsjones]

It’s amazing how a disagreement within a marriage can take away the “Bless you” when you sneeze, the “Everything okay” when you hear a thump or fall. Steal away the “I love you” that day. Deprive you of a kiss that’s filled with the medicine you need to fight through the evil of the day.

How do two people who sacrificed sleep just to hear each other breath on the other end of phone reach the point where that same breathing irritates ones very being? How?

How is it that someone you once felt physically sick when they weren’t in your presence, presence sickens you? How?

Why does the affection feel forced because one or the other wants to be able to say they fullfilled the Love Language quota for the day. Why?

What happened to effortless love? Huh? When the love bank was filled not by forcing an action but by loving your companion so much that you instinctively just made the cup runneth over.

If I would’ve known I’d feel so dismissed and that I’d bring so much dissatisfaction, man, I would’ve bottled up the butterflies, taken more pictures of the “looks”.....you know the ones that made you feel so special, that “I’m enough” feeling. I would’ve delighted in his arms longer.

I watch new love happen for others, consistent love remain for some, and I wonder how to steal the feeling from them, just a little bit. I just want a little bit to numb my running thoughts and pain from not doing or being enough.

This level of the game is tough, because you analyze your steps, realize your mistakes, and wonder how much damage is done. I’ve heard about this stage, but never thought I’d be living in it. Us? Naw, our love is stronger than that. You see, he blesses me when sneeze, comforts me when I fall, tells me he loves me at the most random moments and kisses me so passionately he makes me invincible. Our love is stronger than The Motions. At least I pray it is😔



[spoiledmrsjones]

Goal

Goal, to not complain about the plate I made. Just “eat” everything before leaving the table

Goal, to not care so much that I over evaluate everything I do. I just become annoying to those around me

Goal, to not get stressed. I’ll just end up stressed by people who love to hurt others

Goal, to work on being the best me for me. I’ve worked so hard to be the best wife, mother, daughter, etc. and these niggas still ain’t happy/satisfied.

Goal, to say FUCK GOALS, and live 🤷🏽‍♀️

[spoiledmrsjones]

I Hurt Everywhere

I hurt. I hurt everywhere......

Have you ever felt pain everywhere at once? I didn’t know it was possible to hurt like this. It’s amazing how relentless life is and how living is synonymous with pain at points. I’m not saying it’s the end of my little world or that I’m enduring anymore than anyone, but I am saying this pain....my pain.....is real. We often turn someone expressing pain into a battle of the pains, “I HURT MORE” “YOU CAN’T HURT MORE THAN ME BECAUSE YOU HAVEN’T ENDURED THIS OR THAT”. Hurt is so personal. It’s one of the most intimate things ever. You can’t take away hurt from another, only the person hurting can release themselves. I honestly want to be released because I hurt, I hurt everywhere.

I wish I could just shield myself from pain. I really wish I did not irritate people to the point that lashing out is the only thing they feel is necessary to do. I know I subject myself a lot of times to the very hurt I can’t stand to endure. I also know that God is a healer, removes all stress and strain. He’d never put more on you than you can bare. In him there is peace like no other! (Insert forced shout because everyone else is shouting). Yeah, all that and I still hurt. Sorry, but I’m too real at this point to pretend. I sometimes dismiss the very practices I’ve been trained to do my entire life. I’ve never not heard a member of my family not mention God when I mention being hurt. I feel so weak because I’m having a moment where I can’t see how yelling out scriptures will ease me. I know I should be more faithful in this moment but I hurt......I hurt everywhere.

[jaymojones]

Tonight is opening night! Hope to see you there one day this week. #HU #actor #creon #leadingman #greekplay #greektragedy Get your tickets (only $5) https://tickets.vendini.com/ticket-software.html?w=a888961b238748c13663ab2488aecb88&t=tix&vqitq=dbc94390-9ed8-4a13-874e-c005939994ab&vqitp=6ab95ea9-9c98-468d-892b-a093fa9af296&vqitts=1509736566&vqitc=vendini&vqite=itl&vqitrt=Safetynet&vqith=300a3a9d3a10e71fbf72f1550bf463be

[spoiledmrsjones]

Why You're Not Invited to My Funeral....

Why? Why can’t I decide who comes to the biggest party I’ll probably ever have? I don’t find it fair that people who didn’t/don’t love me while I was breathing get to show up in their best outfits and love me once I’m no longer breathing😒. Oh, and you get to sit front row with your head in your hands and say how much you loved me, tuh. Let’s not kid ourselves, you didn’t. How often did you call to see how I was? Not if I needed anything but just how I was. How many times did you look at your phone and say “That’s JUST Taniko”. You don’t get to come and cry when you didn’t smile at the thought of me. Now, I’m not saying I get to decide how you grieve but since I’m not dead, yet, try not living with regret. Whenever I’m asked “Hey, do you have siblings”, I respond proudly with “Yep, 5 sisters and 1 brother”. I never break down family dynamics, it’s never mattered to me. Shoot, I didn’t realize I was a stand alone kid until I was 11. A last of the Mohicans, one of a kind, no full blood sibling kind of kid. I was proud of a title not a true sisterhood. Truth is I’m not close to any of my siblings, and although family dynamics play a part, I definitely tried to establish a bond with all. Man, it was one of the hardest things I’ve ever tried to do. Let me call her, no answer. Let me talk to her as long as I can while I got her, rushed off the phone. Let me be honest with her, ends in a fight. Eventually it’s come down to, let me keep my distance. So, NO you’re not invited to my biggest party, you barely showed up to support my life. I’m not saying you haven’t been excellent Aunts, you have been. You’ve just been horrible Sisters, maybe I have been as well. I’ve actually called when I couldn’t breathe, felt suffocated by the world, no answer. I’ve reached out for quality time when I couldn’t stand to be alone and needed support, no response. So please don’t hurt me by showing up and showing me you’re more happy to celebrate my death than you ever were to celebrate my life. I couldn’t stand the pain, so…….I’m uninviting you now 🖤

[spoiledmrsjones]

Dickless Nights

You’re married now so you can get IT every night! Without feeling like God’s gonna get you for sinning every night. You’re going to have sex all day long without a care in the world, trust? Naw, you’re not. Kids, weight gain, too tired, low testosterone, I want it but he don’t, she want it but I don’t. Wait until it’s dark. We don’t just have to have sex at night! It can be light! Naaaaaaw, not tonight. Why don’t we have sex? Why when I’m tired its an issue!? Ahhhhhhh, dickless nights😒. Who’s going to touch me if you don’t? Who’s going to want me if you don’t? Is it me, I’m fat? Is it her, she’s phater? Tell me?! Drawing my own conclusions just leaves me with a racing mind and a throbbing, you know what NEVER MIND! All men want is sex, that’s what you always hear! Well, that’s a lie cause you see my pussy begs to differ😒. Maybe if I……But if I….....damn, it all leads to dead ends. Wait a minute, is this nigga gay? Naw, that can't be! Address it? It’s been addressed. Now I’m getting forced dick, whack dick, could’ve kept that dick. Wasted juices, wasted time. Don’t worry once you’re married you’ll have sex all the time! HUH, yeah right. Naw bitch, it’s JUST ANOTHER DICKLESS NIGHT😒

[spoiledmrsjones]

Expendable

One of the absolute worst feelings in the world is to know you’re expendable to someone you’d never want to lose, right? Not that you couldn’t survive without them, you’d just really rather not. Not that you need to be around them, you just need to know that they’d want to be around you if they had the time to spare.

When I’m told “I could pretty much not deal with or cut off anyone” by so many people, I can’t help but question or believe their saying “Oh, that includes you too bitch”. I guess it bothers me so much because I’ve been expendable to so many people all my life. My own father “cut me off” several times; when I was in elementary school, middle school, and in my adulthood. I was so afraid that he’d do it for good I was adamant about trying to form connections outside of him with loved ones that linked me to him. Even though it sounds terrible and you probably felt bad for me reading that, it’s not and don’t feel that way. It happened and I dealt with it on different levels every time it happened. The last time it happened I accepted it differently than the first.

I’ve been expendable to my sisters on different occasions. Different levels of drama happened that has for ever changed or relationships. I didn’t know there were levels to being expendable until I experienced confrontations with my sisters. Nothing can change the fact that you’re connected by a mother or a father, so you’ll always in some way be connected. I can’t stop loving and wanting the best for them no matter how much easier it is for them/me to not deal with them/me consistently.

No matter how hard you work to not be expendable to someone you can’t stop it from happening, I figured this out years ago. You can’t make someone see the value in having you in their life and they can’t make you see the value of having to remove you from theirs. So I now have no issues with being expendable. If I truly love and care for someone and their growth requires not having to deal with me, so be it. If I could go back and teach this to the younger me I’d saved me so much time and I would’ve…….worried less.

[spoiledmrsjones]

Love Feeds Her

You know it's bad when he can't even rise from from the sight of her thighs coupled with the scent of her sweet prize.....I mean damn! It's right in front of his eyes, but he's so turned off by her every day that there's no way he'd ever want to play, hmmmmm. He's just here because THEY're here and he couldn't imagine bringing the opposite of peace to their little lives. So he builds up hate and resentment towards his "mate" secretly wishing that fate had dealt a different hand, but wait! That would mean that they wouldn't be they because there's no way that they'd exist if he and her had never been, WHEN, he realizes the circle always brings him back to her thighs and that, humph, "prize" if that's what she believes it is. He's just another guy caught, trapped, ruined by those thighs and that "prize". Unfortunately none of this is realized by She. She just hopes that her life doesn't ruin anyone else's and has always played the hand she was dealt with ease. "Please God help me figure out how to make him keep loving me" she has always cried because she ain't never been able to figure out how to make HIM keep loving her. No not just HIM, but HIM, HIM, HIM, and he'll even HIM! HIM-Dad, HIM-boyfriend, HIM-husband, HIM. SHOOT EVERY HIM THAT'S set eyes on her has gazed on her at first sight and all she's done is try to be herself while feen' for that gaze as hard as others feen for that purple haze. Just an attention seeking whore....NAW, a love and affection seeking women. She grew so much from the love that first gaze brought on and was tricked to believe that love would forever feed her....

[spoiledmrsjones]

They allowed me to record them once they escaped😂😂😂. It was great to see them all excited and know they all worked together as a team to get out. Though there were differences they overcame them and escaped. They didn't allow difference to stop them. The smiles made my heart smile😍 #oldestbabygirl

[spoiledmrsjones]

The escape room held 10 people. The girls were shocked when they saw they'd be going in with older folk. When they all got in the car they were like "Those old people were really cool"🤣🤣🤣🤣

[spoiledmrsjones]

They ESCAPED! Had a blast at #escaperoomdc

[spoiledmrsjones]

I can't stand my second child 😂😂. She's the driest for the camera, pretty self. Let's see if they can escape from the room on an hour 😳 #oldestbabygirl

[spoiledmrsjones]

Soooo, I didn't think we'd be able to attend the college fair today, but we were able to catch a ride with Ayanna's best friend! I look busted, but one of the reps asked what school I attended because she thought that Ayanna and I were sisters 💁🏽. I meeeeeean! She made my day😂😂😂😂 #oldestbabygirl #imoldimreallife

[spoiledmrsjones]

I started the tradition of cooking the kids whatever they wanted for their birthday dinner. Ayanna has picked the same thing every year🙄😂. A small tradition to help them feel special! It started as a way for me to have a celebration without having a huge celebration because I couldn't always make it happen. #dowhatyoucan #oldestbabygirl #letseat

[spoiledmrsjones]

My bald head baby is 17 years old today😩. When I tell you she changed my life, she completely changed my life. I was 17 and pregnant, to old to make the show but I'll take that as a blessing, and less than a month shy of 18 when I had her. I set goals and made sure they were met before she took her first breath. The love and strength she gave me was something that I could never explain. It's her birthday but it's the day that my eyes were opened. #oldestbabygirl #myheartwalkingtheearth #wearemakingit #whatfilter

[spoiledmrsjones]

It's the Birthday Turn Up! My Big Sister's Birthday is today and mine is tomorrow! Loving my girl time with my sisters and my life long friends. My heart is full🤗 #35looksgoodonme #sisters (at Rock And Roll Hotel)