hello there!! i will likely only write for dabi & shigaraki. i love the league of villains! i am learning how to write as i go. i don't really have a strict upload schedule. i do music recs at the end of my AO3 author's notes. i try my best to mention content warnings, lmk if i miss anything important! it's okay if you don't like my content -- feel free to block me. don't like, don't read! 💗🦇
🍰 [oneshot] Happy Birthday 🍰
dabi × poc friendly f!reader.
summary: the league throws you a party and you bring him a slice of cake.
#sfw -- smoking, friendship, cheesy, loneliness, denial of feelings.
(tumblr + AO3)
🍦[oneshot] Freezer Burn 🍦
todoroki touya × gender neutral and poc friendly reader.
summary: he's done. you're not.
#nsfw -- angst, arguing, crying, dabi is a butthead for a while there, breakup, makeup, dialogue heavy.
(tumblr + AO3)
🎨[oneshot] Colour Theory, part 1: Horizon Line 🎨
shimura tenko × poc friendly f!reader ft. todoroki touya.
summary: tenko goes to art school and gets a little crush on a musical theater major.
#sfw -- valentine's day, shy tenko, jealousy, tenko pov.
(tumblr + AO3)
🎨 [oneshot] Colour Theory, part 2: Vanishing Point 🎨
todoroki touya & poc friendly f!reader × shimura tenko.
summary: when you love your best friend, but your best friend loves you.
#nsfw -- white day, unrequited/one sided, angst, slow burn, jealousy, arguing, smoking, drugs, drinking, multi pov.
(tumblr + AO3)
🎭 [multi-chapter] Colour Theory, part 3: Sonata 🎭
todoroki touya & poc friendly f!reader.
summary: the time before tenko set his eyes on you.
#sfw -- unrequited/one sided, angst, drinking, multi pov.
[in progress]
(Colour Theory part 4, 5, & 6 are also in development! <3)
🍆 [multi-chapter] Friendly Fire 🍆
dabi × poc friendly f!reader.
summary: pro hero!reader x villain!dabi
#nsfw -- canon divergent, drinking, reader has a quirk, soft dabi, fluff, cheesy, angst, usual todofam stuff. more tags to be added!! multi pov.
[in progress]
🪻 [multi-chapter] In the Dark 🪻
todoroki touya × poc friendly f!reader.
summary: villain!reader x pro hero!touya au
#nsfw -- canon divergent, reader has a quirk, angst, slow burn, flashbacks, usual todofam stuff. multi pov.
[in progress]
🐳 [multi-chapter] 52 Blue 🐳
todoroki touya × poc friendly f!reader.
summary: it's not gonna be easy just because you're soulmates.
#____ -- canon divergent, angst, slow burn, arguing, drinking, loneliness.
[in progress]
🧵 [multi-chapter] i'll follow you into the dark 🧵
hayakawa aki × shy fiend f!reader.
summary: n/a
#nsfw -- canon divergent, fluff, discrimination, furry behavior, smoking, drinking, loneliness, hurt/comfort, csm pt 1 spoilers, death.
[in progress]
hmmmm alien au where dabi is on a mission and he crosses paths with a group of xenomorphs. he manages to kill them, but their acid blood splatters all over him. it eats through the layers of his space suit, leaving him covered in burns
if there’s no one beside you when your soul embarks, then i’ll follow you into the dark [chapter 1/?]
hayakawa aki × shy fiend f!reader
-> safe for work (for now) // 4.9k words // AO3.
-> warnings: smoking, blood, cheesy, friendship, romance, discrimination, fluff, angst, pining that may or may not be mutual, soft aki, protective aki, eventual smut, eventual romance, canon divergent, fic will get into darker topics as the story progresses but i'll update the warnings as i go, chainsaw man part 1 spoilers.
Devil hunters use devils to kill devils.
The irony was never lost on you. This was a use or get used world, after all.
In the distance, your ears picked up the sounds of a fight. Explosions, rubble falling, metal crunching. It sounded far enough away for you not to worry about closing the convenience store early (not that your boss would’ve let you), but it was still close enough for you to stay alert as you stood on a flipped milk crate, stocking the fridge. The situation seemed to have settled by the time you finished and you allowed yourself to relax.
You were behind the counter reading a romance novel when the smell of dust and blood assaulted your nose, making you look up at the source. The sliding doors let out a melodic chime as a tall man with a top knot dressed in a black suit entered the store, walking straight for the freezers in the back. Your eyes stayed glued to the sword strapped to his back until he was no longer visible from where you stood.
You took a sip from your water bottle before returning your attention back to the book in front of you. Two pages later, you realize you weren’t actually processing the words on the page and, with a sigh, you flip back to try again. You struggled reading the same paragraph over and over until the sound of aluminum cans clanking against the counter top startled you. The man with a top knot (with a sword strapped to his back) had placed canned coffees and an apple in front of you.
“Cigarettes, too.”
Before he could finish pulling out his wallet, you set a white box down on the counter between the two of you. He stared down at the box of Mevius One KS cigarettes with a furrow in his brow and his eyes moved to meet your own.
“I-I have a good nose.” You anxiously look away from him and quickly scan his items, placing them neatly in a plastic bag. “That’ll be ¥4,570.74.”
The man eyed you for a moment, as if studying you, then pulled out his card to insert it into the machine until he noticed a sign with messy handwriting stating that the card machine was out of order. He returned his card back into it’s place in his wallet before pulling out cash and placing it into your outreached hand, his cold fingers brushing against yours as he did so.
“You’re good,” he says quietly.
You suck in a breath at his comment and nod, feeling unsure of how else to respond so you simply thank him for shopping at the convenience store and to have a nice day. You watch his dark form disappear down the street before letting out a sigh of relief as you adjusted the crochet beanie on your head.
+
Two or three times a week, he would come in to buy canned coffee and cigarettes. The two of you never spoke much beyond pleasantries. (“hello,” “good afternoon,” “have a nice day,” “you too.”)
Currently, he was in the back of the store by the freezers. You tried to keep your attention on your book as you absent-mindedly fidgeted with the sleeve of your over-sized cardigan.
It had been a few short months since you started working here, since you first noticed him. The convenience store wasn’t the closest one to the Public Safety office in Tokyo, but it was still frequented daily by people who worked there, including other devil hunters.
Every now and then you’d stop seeing a face come by the shop and determined that they must have been killed on the job. It wasn’t a secret that devil hunters didn’t have very long lifespans, it was the nature of the job. However, you recently found yourself feeling relieved whenever he stepped over the threshold of the sliding glass doors and greeted you in return.
You weren’t entirely sure why you felt that way. He was obviously attractive, though you doubted that was reason for your feelings.
Still, relieved as you may be, you found it difficult to focus whenever the two of you shared the same four walls.
To you, devils had an acrid smell. The stronger the devil, the more offensive the smell was. You were sure the devil hunter was human, but the scents that lingered on him were the strongest you had smelled in quite a while. The smell was stronger on him than it was on most of the devil hunters you encountered.
He must have worked closely with strong devils and the thought of that frightened you. You once heard a group of devil hunters mention a special division in Public Safety that made devils work for them without free will.
You cautiously cast glance his way as he flipped through a magazine, and you wondered if this devil hunter (your devil hunter) was involved with something as awful as that.
+
By now, he must have noticed the way you always avoided eye contact with him. You're sure of it.
You try to read but you simply could not focus and you found yourself looking in his direction every few minutes. He walked around the shop, aimlessly browsing, rather than going straight for what he came for like he usually did. You’re tempted by the opportunity to strike up a conversation with him, to get to know him a little (for better or worse), but you bite your tongue.
You wouldn’t know what to say. The majority of your social skills were learnt through reading books.
You notice that sometimes, when the store gets empty, he stares at you for a few moments, as if he wants to say something, before thinking better of it and exiting the store, leaving you to watch him from behind.
+
You felt your hands shaking more than they usually did whenever he was around. You hoped he didn't notice, though when you looked up at him, you could see him watching you. Your eyes briefly look over at the sword on his back before returning your attention back to the monitor and reading him his total.
You took his money and shakily hand him the receipt, which he takes. You quickly look away and feel his lingering gaze, followed by the small intake of breath. You get the impression that he's about to say something.
You do your best to look busy organizing your space behind the counter. Your hands were trembling, causing you to knock over a candy display. Rolls of mints clattered around your boots and you bend over to pick them up.
You hear the chiming of the sliding doors as they opened and closed and you peeked over the counter to see that he was gone.
+
A few days later, you’re stocking the freezer with drinks. Despite wearing your cardigan and beanie, you shivered as you struggled to reach the top shelves. You forgot to grab the milk crate from behind the counter to help you reach higher, but with the devil hunter in the store earlier than usual, you decided to quickly wrap up stocking so that you could get back to the counter.
Large, pale hands grasp the can from your hand, making you flinch in surprise. You look over your shoulder and see the devil hunter helping you place the remaining drinks on the top shelf. You swallow hard and avert your eyes from him.
“Thank you...” He nodded then went on his way to continued his shopping. You walk back to the register to wait for him. You felt his gaze on you but you didn’t dare look up away from the register you were pretending to clean. Your head hurt from overthinking.
You checked out his items when he brought them over to you, faster than you usually did. You were eager for him to leave so that you could focus on anything other than him right now.
"A box of Mevius One KS, please."
You were too distracted with your own thoughts that you forgot to give him his cigarettes. You apologize and turn in a hurry to reach for them on the shelf, stepping onto the milk crate, but in your haste you lost your balance. You yelped as you fell onto the cold tile, boxes of cigarettes raining down on your head.
The next thing you knew, he’s behind the counter kneeling beside you, scanning you for any injuries before returning his gaze to yours.
“Are you okay?”
You couldn’t help but notice the concern in his voice. It was a stark contrast to the stoicism he usually exuded whenever he was in the store.
You nod, feeling your cheeks heat up with embarrassment as you looked up at him. You look away again, sitting up despite your butt aching from the fall. You ran a nervous hand through your hair and realized your beanie had fallen off and the devil hunter was staring—right at the pair of fluffy ears on your head.
“You’re…” he pauses, looking at you in a way that was hard to read.
You panicked. You grabbed your beanie from the floor, clumsily hopped over the counter, knocking over the candy display in the process as you ran out of the store.
“Wait! Come back!”
He continued to call out after you, his voice growing more and more distant until you could no longer make out the individual words. Your feet feel like they’re going to give out from underneath you as you sprint along the sidewalk hoping to never see him away.
+
The following day was your day off, but your boss called you in. He fired you for leaving the store unattended and withheld your final paycheck. When you timidly tried to stand up for yourself, telling him that he couldn’t do that, he said he could because you had no human rights as a fiend.
There was nothing you could do about it.
You managed to find another job in a grocery store on the other side of town. It was farther away from your home, but safer since it lessened the risk of running into the same devil hunter again.
A few weeks later, you were working the register when you recognized his scent. Your eyes widened in horror when you realized he had found you. The two of you stared at each other.
His expression was stern and focused. There’s no trace of the gentleness he’d shown last time. A depressing reminder that this man wasn’t just a man and you weren’t just a woman.
He was here to kill you, or worse.
You were frozen in place. It’s only when he begins to approach you that you remember to breathe. You trembled fearfully as he stood in front of you.
“Hey—”
“P-Please don’t hurt me,” you sputtered out from behind the register.
His expression softens, but his eyes are steady, resolute. You can tell by the look in his eyes that he’s trying to convey some sort of message to you.
“I’m not going to kill you, don’t worry,” he replies calmly. “I’m not here to harm you in any way.”
"But you're a devil hunter... are you here to capture me and force me to work for Public Safety?"
"No."
You don’t believe him and flinch away when he pulls something from his inner suit pocket.
An envelope.
"I realized you were probably scared of being hunted, so I didn’t chase you. I went looking for you back at the convenience store the next day. Your boss said you were fired. I found out he illegally withheld your final paycheck, so I've been searching for you to return it."
Your brows furrow as he places the envelope on the counter. You weren't sure if you could trust him or not. His eyes never left your face as you looked down at the envelope then back up at him. You're not sure what to say or do, but his quiet, patient composure is a stark contrast to his intimidating presence earlier.
He gestures towards the envelope. “You can open it. I’m not trying to force you to join Public Safety. I’m simply making sure you get what’s rightfully yours. You can’t exactly sue him.”
The fact that he seemed so confident that this was going to change everything, that you're going to trust him, sends your brain into overdrive. You don't know what to do.
“Open it," he says quietly. Gently.
You hesitantly reach for the envelope and open it, finding the money your former boss denied you of. You expect him to demand something from you in return, but he quietly walked out of the store.
+
A couple of weeks later, you pick up his scent again as you’re stacking a table with cans on sale. You noticed he was accompanied by two others with inhuman scents. Both strong and familiar smells that you’ve smelled on him in the past. Devils. In the grocery store? Their casual-wear made it seem like they weren’t on official business and based on the way they were acting, the three of them seemed close.
You were nearly finished with stacking the can display, when the devils accidentally ran their cart into the table, knocking over the cans. The devil hunter turned at the sound and came over.
You’re on your knees, picking up cans and placing them back on the table to get them off the floor. The devils snickered, until the devil hunter scolded them.
"Can you two knock it off and help pick those up?"
For some reason that makes you feel embarrassed and you tell him that it’s okay. “It was an accident. Don’t worry, it’s my job to do this...”
His gaze meets yours.
“Hey," he says quietly as he approaches the knocked over cans. After taking a quick glance at you, he begins to clean up the mess while the devils continued to bicker and argue as they stacked, making a competition out of it. The way they carried themselves, like bickering siblings. Not that you would know personally, but it reminded you of siblings in the stories you’ve read. You were wondering how old they were when you realized just how tall the devil hunter actually is; he seems to dwarf the other two.
"Are you alright?" He asked, looking at the fallen cans lying on the floor. You could feel his eyes on you, looking over you as though checking to see any sign of injuries. You sneak a peek at him, noticing his eyes glancing at the beanie on your head. The beanie that covered your devil ears.
You nod, your timid and nervous nature getting in the way of the moment. He scolds the others and eventually gives them the task of doing the rest of the shopping and offering them a snack reward. They run off excitedly with the cart as he helped you stack the cans. The two of you worked quietly.
He continued helping you for a bit longer, his presence soothing rather than intimidating like before. Then, once you finish stacking the cans on the shelf, he steps back for a moment as though hesitating.
You glance at him nervously, nodding as you chewed on your bottom lip. You wondered if it’d be rude to walk away right now. Probably.
"Are you busy after work?"
Your eyes widen, and you can feel your heart beginning to beat faster. You can hear the others laughing in the distance, clearly not paying attention to the conversation taking place.
"Yes," you lied.
He made a face, as if he could easily tell that you had just lied from your tone and nervous body language, but nodded anyways. He offered to buy you something to eat as an apology for the cans and for being the reason you lost your previous job at the convenience store.
"Will I... owe you?"
"No."
You weren’t sure whether or not you should trust him. So far, he seemed to have your best interests in mind, though you knew that could also be a trick. You decided to take a leap of faith.
"Apples. I like apples."
His expression remained stoic and you felt vulnerable under his watchful gaze. People who knew you were not human treated you differently, saw you differently. To them, you felt invisible and disposable. Like something to be used and tossed away when it became too much trouble. The way this devil hunter looked at you now was different than how he used to look at you when he thought you were a human like him, but it also didn’t feel like he thought of you as something less than him. The way he was looking at you right now made you feel like your heart was in your throat. You try to swallow it back down.
“Apples?” He gives a small nod. "Then I'll buy you some.”
+
He buys you a bag of apples.
It becomes routine.
Whenever he stops by the grocery store, he would leave you with a bag of apples.
It was the kindest thing a human had ever done for you.
You craved speaking with him, not really getting much positive attention from others. You felt lonely and wondered if he could tell. You didn't trust humans but you wanted to trust him. You really wanted to trust him.
So, you tried talking to him a little bit. It was awkward and you were as clumsy with your words as you were with your body but in a few months, the two of you were able to have casual small talk. You were so happy to be able to joke with him, even just a little bit.
Your relationship with him grew over time with these simple interactions, these little moments of kindness that he showed you.
This is a stark contrast to the way devil hunters and civilians had treated you in the past. Their disdain for devils would get in the way of your interactions, but you didn’t have that problem with your devil hunter. Seeing him with his devil friends gave you hope.
You looked forward to his visits. His presence is a quiet one. He doesn't expect anything from you, nor does he ask much about you yet here you are, talking almost like... friends.
"Th-Thank you, Mr. Hayakawa." You speak his name for the first time, a bit timidly. You learned it a couple of months ago when he asked to be signed up for the grocery store’s rewards program, but you never said it out loud until now. He had just bought you apples again and you wanted to thank him.
His expression was as gentle as his voice. "Just Aki is fine."
The way he holds himself seems to have loosened up considerably. His shoulders, once stiff and tense, now hang loosely by his sides. He no longer seems quite as intimidating. And you're not sure how exactly, but it almost seems as if his presence becomes... softer.
You nod, feeling your face heat up. "Sorry, th-thank you, Mr. A-Aki..!"
You can't tell if there's a small hint of amusement in his eyes, but then again, he's hard to read.
"Why 'Mr. Aki'?" He asks you curiously.
"Did I say something wrong? Would you prefer a different title?" You nervously fiddle with your fingers.
His eyebrows knit together slightly, as though thinking. “It’s not really needed, I guess. You don't need to call me by any title or honorific. Aki's enough..." He trails off.
"O-Okay... A-Aki..."
You felt your face heat even more from being allowed to refer to him so informally. You have never spoken someone's name so casually before. You distract yourself by stiffly scanning the rest of his items.
He eyes the bag of apples sitting at the end of the register’s moving belt. "Did you want anything else?" He asks, his eyes looking back to you. Your eyes widen and you shake your head furiously, knocking your beanie off balance, slightly revealing the bottom of one of your fluffy ears. Aki eyes it, wondering if you’d notice it in time to fix it before anyone else saw it.
"No, no I'm okay! Really! The apples are good. I love apples. I-I... Thank you, Aki."
"Are you sure?" He asks and from the way his eyes were staring at your cheeks you knew he was aware you were feeling very flustered right now.
Aki’s eyes return to your visible ear. You were beginning to feel self-conscious when he leaned over the counter of the register and adjusted your beanie. “Your ear was showing. Sorry.”
You flinched at the sudden contact and as he pulled away, you grabbed his wrists without thinking. You hold onto him for a moment.
The air around you seems to heat up slightly, the intensity of your gaze rather palpable. You feel a shiver run down your spine at the closeness of the situation and notice his eyebrow raising in confusion. He seemed a little surprised by how close you are to him, but he doesn't back away. The sound of someone sneezing snapped you out of your daze and you released him.
You back away from the register, avoiding his eyes and mumbling a series of apologies before making up some excuse about needing to unclog a toilet.
(Aki watched you run off towards the back. He could still feel the warmth of your hands around his wrists as he left the store).
+
The next few times Aki went to the store, you weren’t around. He asks the manager about you and she said that you took a few weeks off.
Aki wondered why and if it had anything to do with what happened.
+
As the days passed, his curiosity over why you weren’t around grew. He doesn’t know if your last encounter with him had anything to do with that, but he hoped that it didn’t.
Your absence brought about a certain sense of loneliness, and though he’s never admitted it to himself, he starts to miss you and the moments that you’d shared with one another.
+
You return a month later, avoiding Aki's eyes as you scanned his items. You were quiet today.
As you return to your old routine, you feel Aki’s eyes trailing you. He keeps to himself and gives you space, but he’s still observant as you worked. Something had changed in your demeanor. You're being polite but distant, keeping your distance from him and not speaking unless absolutely necessary. You’re not like yourself at all. He doesn’t know why and it makes his curiosity grow even more.
"Is something wrong?" He leans forward a bit, wondering if he'd done something wrong.
"No..." You say quietly as you handed him his change, careful not to touch him.
The way that you speak makes him certain that there is something wrong; he's known you long enough to tell. Your avoidance is what catches his attention however.
You bag his items and another customer sets their items down on the belt for you to scan. There are plenty of people lining up behind Aki, so you turn your attention to the next customer as you bag his items.
“Is this about me?” He asks, once the customers have cleared the line-up. He’d been watching you interact with the other customers and noticed that you weren't behaving this way with them. Only with him.
"Yes," you say hesitantly, "But you didn't do anything wrong. It's me that's the problem..." Your face burns red. "Please don't worry about it."
"Well, now you've got me worried," he replies, his usual stoic expression giving way to genuine concern. "You've been acting a bit strange. Like something happened."
"It-It doesn't feel appropriate to say, so I'd really rather we didn't get into it." You say as you fiddled with your fingers. "It's nothing worth worrying about. Nothing bad happened and I don't think ill of you, Mr- I mean, Aki."
If he wasn’t so worried, he would've quietly laughed at your little slip up. Aki watches you as you fiddle with your fingers, a bit more concerned now. He doesn’t like not being able to figure out what’s been on your mind this entire time.
You’re keeping things vague, and it’s driving him crazy.
"So, this has nothing to do with our last interaction?" he asks you, genuinely curious.
Your face reddens even more, "It... it may have something to do with that..." You look at the clock on the wall before timidly looking at Aki. "If it's okay with you, can we talk about it after my shift ends in 20 minutes..?"
He nods, still trying not to let any emotion appear on his face.
"That’s fine. I'll be waiting for you outside if that’s okay.”
+
Fifty minutes later, you run outside, panting heavily.
"S-Sorry for taking so long. You didn't have to wait." Your hands squeezed at the strap of your cross body bag.
"I don't mind," he tells you. You notice the way his eyes scan your face, as if he's looking for something in particular. Like he's trying to figure something out. "Are you okay?"
"I'll be okay. Thank you, Aki." You chew on your bottom lip as you look at him. It all suddenly feels too real and you look down at the ground again. "I-I'm not being weird because you did something wrong. I've been acting strangely because I've recently realized my... my feelings. I'm sorry." You say quietly.
"Ah..." Aki replies softly, his attention glued to you as you nervously chew on your lip. "Can I ask you something?"
You nod. (In your head, you were mentally preparing for him to tell you to work at a different store so that he never has to see your devil face ever again.)
"You said that you've recently realized your feelings, but..." he pauses. "How long have you actually liked me?" There's a teasing smile playing on his lips.
Your ears perk up on your head, shifting your beanie slightly. "Not long! I swear, I promise it's only recent. It wasn't until I went home after the last time I saw you, when you were fixing my hat, that I realized there might be some feelings from my end. I promise I had no ulterior motives during the last ten months."
"Just how recent are we talking?"
"...Actually, maybe I did have an ulterior motive. No, not maybe. I did have one."
Your ears moved under the beanie, knocking it off of your head. Your ears lay flat against your head, like if you did something wrong.
“Really?” Aki raises an eyebrow, "What was your ulterior motive?"
"I…” You spoke quietly while staring down at his shoes. “I wanted to be your friend."
There’s a long moment of silence.
“...That’s an ulterior motive?” he asks, a hint of amusement returning to his voice. “I wasn’t expecting that.”
"Of course it is..! It was something I wanted that you didn't know I wanted. That's the definition, right?" Your face is red and your ears twitch but remain flat. "You were always so kind to me and whenever I saw you and Power and Denji behaving so familiar with each other I-I wanted that too." Your voice cracked and your eyes welled with tears.
Aki’s kindness meant the world to you and you wanted to be a part of his world, too.
He picked your beanie up off of the ground and dusted it off before placing it back on your head, carefully covering your ears for you.
“It is technically an ulterior motive,” Aki admits. He looks away from your eyes, to the ground between the two of you. “Is that really the main reason you kept talking to me?”
You nodded while trying to make yourself look at his face,
"I like you, in both senses of the word, but the platonic meaning is what I value the most. You've treated me with kindness and patience, even when I pretended to act like I was bad at my job just so I could have a few extra seconds of time with you."
Aki's expression softens.
“Do you want to come over my place for dinner?”
“Huh!?” Your eyes nearly pop out of your head at his sudden question, “Where did that come from?”
“Denji and Power will be there, too...” He trailed off.
“No, it’s okay. Thank you for the offer, though. I appreciate it but I don’t want to impose.”
“You won’t be imposing.”
He walks you to his car and when he unlocks it, you open the door to the backseat. He says you could sit up front if you wanted to. So you do. He helps secure your seat belt since you weren’t doing it quite right.
“Sorry. I’ve never used a seat belt before.”
“Never?” He asks as he maneuvers the car around the parking lot.
“Never.”
He stops, waiting for a chance to safely enter the street and takes that moment to glance at you from the corner of his eye. “You can open the window, if you want.”
Your ears perk up, pushing the beanie off of your head and onto your lap. Aki tells you which button to press and soon enough, your window was all the way down.
“Thank you, Aki.”
He nods, making a noise of acknowledgment as he turned the car onto the street. You stuck your head out the window to feel the wind whipping at your grinning face. And as Aki drove the two of you to his home, he had a feeling that he wouldn’t mind getting used to this.
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this is readable as a standalone if you have no interest in the series. otherwise, i do not recommend skipping part 1.
-> not safe for work // 13k words // AO3 // part 1.
-> warnings: jealousy, established relationship, unrequited/one-sided pining, angst, smoking, swearing, dry humping, public nsfw, drugs, biting, licking, denial of feelings, slow burn, trust issues, friendship, frozen yogurt, drama, musical theater, fine arts au.
summary: when you love your best friend, but your best friend loves you.
Touya was too late.
Vanishing Point -- A point of space, usually located on the horizon line, where the parallel edges seem to converge, creating the illusion of intersection.
×X×
He dumped the pastry box onto an overfilled trashcan.
"Himiko, you can't just take food from the garbage!"
"Aw, c'mon, 'Chako! Look at how tasty this cake looks. The strawberries are such a pretty red!"
"Ahem," a resident advisor clears her throat in an attempt to re-capture the attention of the high school group she was showing around. "This is the south campus bus stop. The southern resident halls are down this path."
The R.A. once again lost their attention, with students murmuring amongst themselves as Touya walked by.
"Hey, isn't that guy from that one movie?" Asked one particularly loud kid.
He pulls his hood up, stuffing his hands into his pockets as he stepped inside a convenience store for a moment before he continued his walk. It was a twenty minute walk to the lakeside park at the edge of campus so he put on his earbuds to listen to music to help clear his head. He ended up skipping every song that came on shuffle. They all reminded him of you.
He huffed in frustration as he took a seat on the bench, lighting his cigarette. It was simple muscle memory from a time when he only ever felt low. And, as if he'd never broken the habit in the first place, his lungs easily accepted the poison and he held his breath for a while to really let the toxins coat his insides. Unfortunately for him, the tobacco taste wasn't enough to hide the feeling of bile threatening to come up ever since he saw you with that creep.
Touya was too late.
In the three years that he'd known you, he'd never seen you look at another person with romantic intent and he figured a guy like Tenko wouldn't be on your radar. Not in a way that mattered to Touya, at least.
He had teased you for possibly having a crush on him, but didn't think you actually liked the guy. He thought that was just how you were when meeting new people sometimes. You did the whole clingy thing with him, after all, and there wasn't any kind of energy coming from you that made him think you were interested in anything with anyone. Sure, you were a hopeless romantic, but Touya also knew how busy the life of a performing arts major was. Neither of you would've had much time for anyone outside of the musical theater bubble, or so he thought until Valentine's Day.
He had overheard you telling Tenko about how you were placed in a children's home when you were young. That on it's own was surprising to him. You never willingly told anyone that, aside from two people. A close friend in high school and Touya. When he heard the practice room go silent, he peeked through the window and saw you holding Tenko's hand. He had to intervene. He knew what was likely to come next.
Touya had spent the last few weeks trying to get you to look at him, and you did, but the shift in your tone whenever Tenko came up in conversation made him feel like he was losing a game he'd never agreed to be a part of. Touya wasn't a quitter but Touya also knew this wasn't the kind of thing you could win with the brute force he was accustomed to approaching obstacles with. You weren't an obstacle, you were you and he didn't want to hurt you, but when it came to handling his feelings he was still… weak.
He had been deep in thought, glaring at the water when his phone rang in his pocket. He pulled it out and saw it was a video call from the last person he wanted to talk to right now.
He clicked the red button, only to be repeatedly texted.
[10:44am] Fuyumi: Tou, she just told me.
[10:48am ] Fuyumi: Are you alright? I'm sorry.
Touya groaned. His sister was blaming herself.
[10:58am] Touya: im not turning on my cam
Fuyumi calls him again and he takes one more inhale of his cigarette before snubbing it against the metal armrest of the bench and pocketing the butt. He couldn't on good conscience smoke with her worrying about him on the other side. She had been so proud of him for finally quitting.
He answers the call and sees his sister in her work clothes. "Aren't you supposed to be teaching brats how to read?"
"I have twelve minutes left in my lunch break." She lifts her salad bowl to show him her meal before setting it down. "Tou, I'm sorry. I thought you were the person she liked."
He snorts, "She didn't even give you a name?"
Fuyumi shook her head as her fork pushed a tomato around her bowl. "No. I thought that she was being shy since I'm your sister."
"S'fine, Yumi." It was.
"Did you get to give her the mini cake?"
"Nah. Gave it to the less fortunate."
"I'm glad someone can enjoy your hard work. Are you skipping class?"
"Nope. Free time." He leaned back on the bench, stretching out his legs.
"Don't you have seminar right now?"
Touya lifted a brow, "How the hell would you know that? She tell you my class schedule, too?"
She shook her head, "No. She mentioned she had to go to seminar and since you're both in the same classes…" She gave him a stern look, "You shouldn't skip class, Tou."
"Eh, no big deal. It's seminar. Not even my turn to sing this week." It was yours.
"When you videocalled me to help you bake that cake two weeks ago, I was so happy for you. It was really sweet getting cake updates. You really improved with each one. I'm sorry things didn't go the way you planned." She looked at him with concern and he sighed.
"Don't apologize, it's weird now."
"No it's not? I thought you've been getting used to talking about feelings?"
"That's different. You're my sister."
"What does that mean?"
"It means I'm not talking about this anymore."
Now it was her turn to sigh. "Come visit some time. It's been a while."
"Three months. You saw me over Christmas."
"Mom misses you."
Touya took a moment to swallow. "I'll think about it. I'm a busy guy. You should eat your sad little salad, lunch is over in 2 minutes."
Fuyumi flails and they exchange goodbyes. The call ends, leaving Touya in the quiet. He shut his eyes, listening to wind rustle tree leaves and ducks quack in the distance. A drop of water on his cheek interrupts his moment. He opens his eyes and sees grey clouds rolling above him. He stands and stretches, before jogging hurriedly to the south campus parking garage.
He didn't want to show up at the house soaked and make his mother worry.
×X×
"Touya's been weird lately."
You pulled out a blanket from your laundry basket and began to fold it as Tenko sat at your desk chair, sketching. "He's been missing classes, too."
"Won't he get dropped..?" Tenko asks while admiring your movements, pencil dancing along the paper. Even the mundane could be captivating, so as long as you were the subject.
"He might. He hasn't missed this many classes during the time that I've known him. I'm starting to get worried…"
"…wasn't he known for partying?" It was a simple question.
You finished folding the blankets and moved the throws to the edge of your bed to be used later. You crawled in bed, leaning against the wall as you hugged a light blue blanket. Touya bought you this one since you were always getting cold. It was soft and smelled fresh as you clutched it closer to you.
"He was. He quit after enrolling, though. For the most part."
Todoroki Touya's past wasn't a secret. After he graduated high school, he took a break and spent some time partying on college campuses. For a while, he was routinely dubbed by the tabloids as another talented child star turned drug addicted burn out due to the number of sightings of him getting trashed.
You remembered the sloppy smirk he gave you when he called it his 'tour,' which made you roll your eyes. You knew he had no intention of getting to know the schools beyond getting smashed and smashing his 'guides.'
If someone were to search his name, they would find articles and forums filled with gossip. The public's view of him wasn't the best, even if the family Public Relations team did their best to tidy things up. Aside from dating rumors, there had been less dirt since the tabloids lost interest in him during his mostly quiet three years at university.
The underage drinking and smoking rumors that lingered in the downvoted bottom end of the comment sections never had any proof and any photos were usually edited or lookalikes. Though, fan accounts were usually… negative. Touya was the type of person who wasn't afraid of letting people know that he'd rather be left alone. In his own colourful ways, of course.
"This is our third year and he hasn't missed any class until now. He's got a messy public image but he's actually quite serious about university…" You chew on your bottom lip, hugging the blanket while sitting in bed. The warm lighting from the fairy lights hanging around your dorm gave the room a cozy feeling, however, it wasn't enough ease your stress at the moment. "I think he's avoiding me."
Your quiet voice had brought the pencil in Tenko's hand to a standstill. His eyes peered at you through his dark, wavy hair and met yours. You smiled sheepishly, "Sorry. I don't mean to be a downer. You came to hang out and all I've done is laundry and talk about another guy..."
"Why would that bother me..?"
"I think most people would feel a little threatened by someone like him."
Tenko eyed you for a moment, before setting down his pencil. "I already knew he was your best friend prior to our relationship. I don't feel threatened by Touya."
"Really?"
He nodded, "If he's important to you then he's important to me."
You felt your face heat up and you ignore the urge to shove your face into the blanket. You had been dating for a little over a month now and were used to the idea of Tenko being your boyfriend, but there were still moments every now and then that made you feel flustered. He was quiet, sweet, and always found a way to make time for you. It meant a lot considering your busy schedule. He was happy doing whatever you wanted to do, which made it a bit difficult to plan to do things he might want to do, but you were working on it. Tenko was a shy guy.
You did most of the talking and he seemed happy to listen. You didn't know much about his life before university, aside from the two of you bonding over being rejected by peers growing up, due to the societal prejudice towards children raised in orphanages. You didn't mind not know everything about him because what mattered the most to you was how well the two of you got along now. Maybe you didn't know where he was from or what his favourite colour was, but you knew he was a hard worker that also went out of his way to try and make you happy.
"Does it bother you that my best friend is a guy?"
Tenko seemed to ponder your question for a moment before continuing his drawing. "No."
It's not that you thought Tenko was a liar, but you really had a hard time believing that. You knew that it was only platonic between you and Touya, yet it didn't stop other people from thinking there was something more going on. You didn't care that much anymore about what people thought. Tenko's thoughts on the matter did matter to you, though.
"However," Tenko continued, "It seems to bother him."
You felt a lump begin to form in your throat.
"Yeah..." You could only softly agree.
It wasn't like Touya was missing every class. He was missing the ones he shared with you. For the past three years, you had been his usual partner whenever the professors let you choose who to work with. Ever since you started dating Tenko he went back to his previous partner and stopped showing up to your usual practice times. He hadn't even shown up at the gym while you were there.
It felt like you were losing your best friend.
You hear an intake of breath and look over at Tenko, realizing he looked blurry because you were crying. You wipe your eyes against the blanket, then remember the annoyed look Touya gave you when he first threw this blanket at you and walked away. To anyone else, it would seem like it was a chore for him to be kind to you, but you also remember the look of content on his face when it reflected off a wall mirror he walked past.
You broke down crying.
It was so sad that your best friend didn't want to be with you anymore.
You wipe your eyes against the blanket one more time and sniffle before looking over at Tenko who was just staring at you like he didn't know how to react at a time like this. He probably didn't.
You sniffle. "Can you sit next to me?"
He did not waste a second and went to where you sat on your bed. He hesitantly sat beside you, leaving two feet of space in between as he leaned his back against the cool wall of your dorm.
You snort, "Do I smell?"
"Huh..?"
"You're so far away." You wiped your eyes with the back of your hand. "You can come closer, you know. If you're comfortable with that."
Tenko swallowed and nodded his head a bit eagerly, which made you smile as he moved to sit beside you. He stiffened when your shoulders brushed against each other. The two of you had kissed many times since Valentine's Day but Tenko always seemed like he was trying to be careful with you. It was like he was holding himself back.
"Tenko," you say, your sweet voice made him shiver. "You're so nervous. Don't worry, I won't make you do anything. I just wanted to be closer with you."
Tenko fidgeted with his sleeve and looked at you from the corner of his eye. "What if… I want you to make me do something. What if I wanted to be even closer..?"
You did not expect that.
"Are you sure?"
Tenko looks at you and nods. You weren't really sure how he meant it. You wanted to ask but you couldn't. Your eyes were stuck staring into his.
The only sounds in the room were the air conditioning unit and the blood pumping in your ears. You licked your lips in anticipation. For what, you didn't know, not until Tenko's eyes dropped down to your lips and he licked his own. There was the sound of something in the distance of an origin you weren't so sure of. Was that your heart or his?
Your lips crash against each other, hands reaching for as much as your hands could hold, pulling your bodies as tightly together as possible.
You gasp as the actions finally register, your chest pressing against his while he kissed you deeply. He had gotten better with practice and you enjoyed that he wasn't a shy kisser. His demeanor was typically timid, save for when he kissed you. His lips always felt hungry for yours and right now he was a man starved.
You let yourself fall back onto the bed, pulling him on top of you. You adjusted your legs so that they were wrapped around his waist. He leaned on one arm while the other rubbed up and down your side, as if trying to commit the shape and feeling of you to memory. His wavy hair tickled your face and you let out a giggle. He froze and looked at you, wide-eyed as if he was just now aware of everything going on.
"I always thought your eyes were brown, but are they actually… red?" You ask while looking up at his blushing face. His pupils were blown wide, but the hanging lights reflected off of his iris's and made his eyes shine a deep shade of scarlet.
"Am I going too far..?" He asks in a small voice with anxious eyes.
You shake your head. "I don't mind going further. How about you?"
He dives back in to catch your lips with his own.
During your heated make out session, you pulled your shirt up, allowing Tenko to see you in your bra and you swore you could hear him growl before he squeezed the soft skin over the fabric. Your hips grind up against his and he ground back against your clothed core, surprising you with his eagerness.
The two of you rock against one another while kissing. Bed creaking loudly from Tenko's excitement, which you could feel and it was much larger than you expected.
You gasp his name as he rutted against you, which spurred him on. He tried to keep kissing you but his jaw went slack as he moved his hips furiously.
You heard the sound of the door of the dorm next door opening and closing, Touya's voice booming as he argued with someone over the phone.
Tenko didn't seem to notice. He was much too occupied with moving your bra out of the way and staring at your bare chest as he rocked your body. His movements felt incredible, yet you couldn't pull your focus away from Touya's voice in the room next door. He had been ignoring you and you missed him but you also knew that getting dry humped by your boyfriend quite literally was not the time to be thinking about your best friend.
Touya was shouting at the feminine voice he had on speaker. You could hear most of what he was saying through the walls and you hoped he didn't hear the rhythmic metallic squeaking of the old bed because you were sure it would make him want to talk to you even less.
"I already told you, I don't care! Fuck them, if they wanna run those articles then let 'em. Leave me out of your P.R. bullshit."
Things must really not be going well for Touya and you wished that he would talk to you. Even if it didn't sound like the kind of thing you could fix, you knew he would need a friend at a time like this. Tenko, who was lost in the moment, bit your nipple, hard. A whine escaped you and Tenko's body shuddered in response, groaning loudly as he came in his pants.
Touya immediately stopped mid-sentence and paused for a moment. The person on the other end of the line is confused by his sudden silence and Touya hangs up on them.
Tenko sunk his teeth into your neck.
"Tenko..!" You yelped.
You could hear the sound of the door slam, followed by boots stomping down the hallway, getting farther and farther away.
"You're mine," his voice was deeper and hoarser than you'd ever heard it before. Tenko seemed to have different sides of him that came out at different times. He licked the side of your neck slowly then hugged you tightly against him. You kissed the top of his head and heard him whimper before he looked at you with pleading eyes. He squeezed you closer and peppered your neck and chest with kisses, leaving your skin coloured with deep purple hickies.
×X×
"Touya, slow down!"
You were trying to talk to him, but the head up his ass was making it a bit difficult. At first, you thought he was avoiding you because he wanted to give you space now that you were in a relationship, but it was July now. He had given you the cold shoulder for four months.
He stopped skipping classes and continued to cooperate with the theater department to participate in a musical. You were very thankful that he was able to set aside his personal grievances and kept things professional, especially since two of you were the main leads again.
Now, if only you could get him to treat you like a friend and not just an acting dummy meant to be fed lines to. He seriously hadn't spoken with you about anything that wasn't school-related.
"I don't wanna hear you whining about the damn cigarettes," he stuck a lit stick back between his lips after taking a deep breath.
It was the time of night you knew he'd be itching for a smoke, so you waited for him to leave his dorm to corner him at the smoking area outside. It was pathetic and you didn't care. You wanted to talk with your best friend.
"I wasn’t going to, but while we're on the subject-- You quit. What happened? Is it because of what they're saying about you online?"
There had been online articles circulating about Touya and it was… not great. They were even starting to bring his family into it. Touya was someone who didn't seem to care about a lot of things but he was still a human being.
"Yeah?" He laughed. "Really breaks my heart to hear that the celebrity gossip sites think I'm a junkie. Boo hoo. This why you're out here? To have a midnight heart to heart beside a dumpster?"
"I feel like we're drifting apart and it scares me."
Touya smirked at you as he inhaled before he blew the fumes up at the starry night, the breeze carrying the smoke away from you. "How touching," he mocked. "Luckily for you, you got a nice little boyfriend to go crying to now."
"So, it really is about Tenko, then?" You took a step forward. "Are you scared it'll mess up our friendship if I spend time with someone else? Do you feel replaced--"
"You know," he interrupted. "You're the only person who knows shit about me. How do I know you're not the one selling me out?"
Your eyes widen at the accusation. "I wouldn't sell you out, Touya."
"No?" He lifted a brow, seemingly unconvinced.
"No. I wouldn't. Giving up your privacy for the sake of money, that's…" You shook your head. "I wouldn't do that to you."
"I think it'd be more pathetic if you did it for free. At least do yourself a favor and take the money."
"I'm-- I…" You were stunned. He knew your financial situation and still said something like that. You swallow down the lump in your throat. "I know you're just saying that to get me to leave. I'm not falling for it. You're a private person, so no one else really knows as much as I do, which makes me a reasonable suspect. I-- You know deep down that I wouldn't do that to you."
"Do I?" His icy eyes were lit up by the moon as he stared at you, cold and empty.
He really didn't believe you?
You would never talk about his private life to anyone.
You wouldn't and you knew that he knew you wouldn't.
Still.
It hurt.
"Don't corner me while I'm smoking just to talk about nothing." He dropped the butt of his cigarette in the hole of the cigarette receptacle.
"It's not nothing," you say as he passes by you to walk down the walkway, away from the dorms. You followed, legs struggling to keep up with him. His legs were longer, which made it hard for you unless he was consciously slowing down. Right now it seemed like he was trying to get away.
"Sure."
"Touya, I--"
"Whatever. I'm gonna crash somewhere else for the night. Feel free to fuck like rabbits."
Your face heats up, from embarrassment and frustration. "W-Where are you going at this time of night?" Probably nowhere good.
"Why? So you can tell your buddies at TMZ? Here, let me help you out." He turned to face you from the other side of the street. He looked amused as he cupped his hands around the sides of his mouth and shouted, "Hey, you southern dormitory fucks! Todoroki Touya's on his way to a party to do illegal drugs! Lots of 'em!"
"Touya..!" You spoke in a hushed tone as you look both ways before crossing the street. "Don't yell stuff like that. You don't know who's listening."
"No, I do." The toothy grin on his face wracked your nerves as you approached him. You frown as you watched him spin gracefully with a hand in the air, before bowing ninety degrees. "Any performer worth their salt knows their audience and tonight… it's you."
He stays in his bow as he offers his hand for you to take while looking up at you. You look at his hand then at his eyes that finally looked at you with more than indifference.
It wasn't unusual for you and Touya to touch -- you were actors. On stage, you've held hands, held each other. Kissed. Off stage, you've used him as a pillow and he's leaned in so close that it felt like he was on top of you. Since becoming friends with him, he'd never once made you feel uncomfortable with his proximity.
However, there was something about the way he said something earlier, and the way it mixed with the way he was acting right now that made you hesitate.
Why did it feel like it would be wrong to take his hand?
"Touya, I--" Your voice broke into a hoarse whisper, "I can't."
You didn't know what that meant, simply that you could not.
Touya takes a moment to stare back up at you, the chill in his eyes immediately returning before standing upright and walking away from you. He wordlessly entered the parking garage as you stood there watching his back disappear from sight.
The sinking feeling in your stomach didn't disappear during your walk back to your dorm.
Tenko was where you left him, slouched at your desk as he studied for his Calculus II exam. Any hope of finishing his study packet was abandoned when he saw your face. You had tried washing your face with water to hide any trace of crying from him, but Tenko knew.
He hurried to your side and you wept against his chest as he held you and pat the top of your head.
"What happened… were you not able to talk to him..?"
You shook your head, "I think-- I think you were right." Tenko didn't out right say it but you could see it on his face over the last few months that he had his own thoughts on the matter. He was so respectful. "I think Touya might've-- had feelings for me."
Tenko rubbed your back in place of speaking. He was a very physically affectionate person. His hands were always on you and in this moment, you really appreciated it.
"I don't want to lose my friend."
Tenko gently dragged you to the bed to hold you in his embrace. He let you cry it out for ten minutes until you had no more tears left in you.
"I'm gonna go shower now, Ten." You half-cover your face in humiliation. You knew you probably looked bad after all that crying. It was so embarrassing that he saw you cry twice now. You knew it wasn't pretty.
"Hey…" He gripped your wrist and pulled it out of the way to see your face, "Don't hide from me…"
"I look gross," you laughed softly.
"You don't."
You felt your face heat up at the hungry look he was giving you. His eyes lowered to your lips and you knew what he was thinking.
"I'll be right back," you peck his cheek. "I need to wash off. It'll be a good chance to clear my head." You stood and collected your things for your shower. As you turn the door knob, you hear him make a noise behind you. You turn your head, "Sorry. What'd you say?"
"I…" Tenko's face heated and he itched the side of his neck, "…said have a nice shower."
You smile and nod as you opened the door.
You knew that wasn't what he said.
×X×
Touya got arrested.
He was released, not before being questioned and taking a urine test. He kept eye contact with the officer in the room and made casual conversation while taking it. The filthy pigs were biased but it didn't mean Touya was gonna lose his dignity over a little piss test. The only crime he was guilty of was drinking two shitty beers and eating some rando's snacks.
The party had been at some rich no-name's house in the neighboring city. A few days earlier, his old dealer had invited him and Touya knew that it wasn't because he wanted to see him again. If Touya was there it would guarantee him some more customers that night. Touya himself had no interest in it.
He also couldn't stay on campus after that conversation -- especially in the dorm next to yours. For fuck's sake, your beds were pushed up against the same wall. He did not want to be a witness to whatever freaky shit Tenko had cooking up in that mop of a head. There was something about that guy that Touya didn't like.
And, no, he was not being biased.
He could hear you in his head and it only served to piss him off even more.
That night was the first and last time he heard you with Tenko, making those… sounds.
He didn't want to risk hearing that again.
It took hours upon hours of music to distract him from the noise you made. It still lingered in the back of his head (regretfully keeping him company on lonelier nights), albeit it wasn't as loud as it was four months ago.
What did help was the house's sound system. He almost didn't mind that it was worsening his headache as it reverberated throughout the house and made the pantry shelving shake. There was a pile of fallen snacks surrounding him where he sat against the wall as his bones rattled to the beat of someone's bass boosted hyperpop playlist.
He could almost hear the sound of the potheads trying to break into the pantry from over the music. He leaned back and ate unbothered until the music got cut off and cops shouted at people to get on the ground. He finished his bag of dried fruit. They came sooner than he thought they would.
He had been wondering if there was some kind of undercover sting operation going on. Something about the party felt off.
Drugs weren't particularly hard to come by on a college campus, but he did find it kind of ridiculous how much more seemed to be in circulation recently. Amphetamines, coke, and weed were the more common ones amongst the college crowd in the area but this semester he had been offered on three different occasions if he wanted ketamine. Touya was already having a bad time and he wasn't about to make things worse for himself. He was pretty good at doing that on his own.
He was currently sat in the passenger's seat. He stared out the window with his arms crossed as he was driven back to campus. "You're not gonna ask?"
"Would you answer if I did?"
"Hell no."
The ride was silent as Todoroki Enji drove down the highway. No sooner than three minutes later, Touya went on a tangent.
"--and I'm sick of your P.R. team expecting me to care. Tch, it's not like I even have a career anymore. How is it my problem if you lose a role? Get better at your job so that the casting team has something to actually talk about that isn't your drug addicted son."
His father was silent as Touya stewed in his seat. They'll say anything, whether it was the truth or a lie. "I'm not worried about those vultures. Fuck them."
"…I hear that school's been going well for you…" His father awkwardly started. He sighed. "No matter what the headlines have been saying recently, I never doubted you, Touya. You're too smart to do what they're saying."
Touya wants to laugh because he was indeed partying hard during his gap year but his old man didn't need to know that.
"Fuck them," Enji says, which surprised Touya. His father didn't often swear anymore unless it was for work. "You were right when you said it. Though your shouting did scare the P.R. team's new intern."
Touya turns his head back to the window to stare at the streets of the city, unable to resist a smirk. Enji was never a fan of the paparazzi but he still put up with them even if the reception wasn't very good. He had never enjoyed Touya's more abrasive approach to warding them off either, an approach which consisted of constantly flipping off cameras and mocking them back whenever they tried to get a reaction out of him. Still, the validation from his father made him feel good. Not that he'd ever admit that to him.
"After you finish your musical, you should invite her to come have dinner with us again. It's been a while since you brought her over. She was hardly here over Christmas since you took her to that ski resort in Hokkaido."
"Don't hold your breath."
Enji looks over at him like he wants to say something but doesn't know how to word it, then looked back at the road.
Touya sulked. "There's another guy."
He didn't wanna talk about this but he also felt the urge to. Enji was the last person he expected to bring it up with. Natsu would at least give him a "damn, that sucks, man." What the fuck was his old man supposed to say to that? He was pretty sure Enji had only ever been with one person.
"I see..."
Touya rolled his eyes, letting out a sigh that blew up his bangs and fogged up the glass window.
"Touya, I don't have much dating experience..."
He sighed again, this time for more fog and pressed his finger to the cool glass.
"Don't let that stop you. I've seen how you are with her. She's good for you."
"That what they teach you in therapy? Bond with your delinquent son by encouraging him to be a homewrecker?" He added a little stick body to his absentminded doodle. "She's not the type to fall for that and if she were, I wouldn't care nearly as much. She's a loyal little idiot." He glared at the stick figure that glowed colourfully from the neon city lights outside. The clueless little face reminded him a bit too much of you.
"I want you to do what's best for you."
"Fuck you, old man. I'm not a homewrecker," Touya grumbled as he clicked the button that lowered the window. He watched as the doodle disappeared into the slit of the car door. He propped his arm against the window as his father drove through the campus entrance. The night breeze felt like a relief as the cool chill of reality brushed against his skin.
×X×
[02:48am] Touya: hey
[02:48am] Touya: you up
[02:49am] You: yeah!
[02:49am] You: is everything okay??
[02:49am] Touya: you alone
[02:49am] You: no. tenko's sleeping.
[02:50am] You: did you want to talk?
[02:55am] Touya: no
[02:56am] You: ...you didn't want to talk?
[02:56am] Touya: nope
[02:56am] You: i want to talk
[02:56am] Touya: gn
[02:57am] You: HEY
[02:57am] You: if you won't talk to me to my face then i'll just have to do it with a wall in between us
[02:58am] You: ...
[02:58am] You: actually nvm this is a face to face kind of talk
[02:58am] Touya: im blocking you
[02:59am] You: can we meet in the lounge?
[02:59am] You: the one without the kitchen
[02:59am] You: where you tripped me during line practice last year
[02:59am] Touya: you tripped yourself
[02:59am] You: don't gaslight me
[03:00am] Touya: [Sends a photo of his left hand. It was tinted blue from his LED lights as he flipped you off.]
[03:00am] You: thank you for the hand content i will be sharing this with the touya fan accounts on twitter :)
[03:01am] You: jk jk don't kill me
[03:01am] You: i heard your door open i said JK!!!
[03:02am] Touya: im in the lounge
[03:02am] Touya: get your ass out here its 3am
[03:02am] You: the witching hour
[03:03am] You: you scared?
[03:03am] You: i'll save you >:)
[03:03am] Touya: you never shut up
[03:04am] You: gimme a sec i don't wanna wake him up he's got a 7am
[03:04am] Touya: hurry upp
[03:07am] Touya: how longs it take to put on shoes
[03:11am] Touya: hey
[03:14am] Touya: hey
[03:14am] Touya: did you fucking fall asleep
[03:18am] Touya: cmonnn
[03:28am] Touya: im going back to my room
×X×
"Don't bother."
"I'm sorry."
He continued walking past you as he left rehearsal to have a cigarette for lunch. You followed him outside the performing arts building, struggling with the long bangs of your wig that poked at your eyeballs. You woke up late and didn't have a chance to eat breakfast, yet the feeling of guilt pooling in the bottom of your gut kept you from feeling hungry.
"I fell asleep. I really was going to see you, okay?"
A sound of amusement left his lips as he placed the unlit cig between them. He patted his pockets and grunted in annoyance as he looked for something. His lighter, you assumed.
"Thought I told you not to corner me while I'm smoking."
Technically, "You're not smoking."
"Listen," he leaned against a brick wall and removed the cigarette from his mouth and glared at you. "Why don't you make this easier for us and go back inside, yeah?"
"No--"
"I get it, it was three am. Y'got tired, fell asleep. No harm, no foul." He looked down at the cigarette as he rolled it between his index and thumb, "While you were having sweet, sweet dreams, I thought about it some more and decided it's better off this way."
"What? You--" Your mouth went dry, "Y-You thought about what, exactly?"
"We're busy people. You've already got your free time filled up and I don't do second best."
You could hear your heartbeat in your ears, feel your hands as they trembled at your sides.
"You're… this is taking it too far…" Your voice went quiet.
He tilts his head, his face was blank. "Am I?" Empty.
The side door opens and a cast member told you that your boyfriend was looking for you.
"I'll meet him in the lobby in a bit…"
"Hey, Raita, you got a light?" Touya lifted his cigarette. "Left mine in the dressing room in my other pants."
"No worries, I got you, man." They pulled out a lighter and held it up to his cigarette until the end burned bright orange. They left and you watched Touya as he smoked.
For a few minutes, the two of you stood there in the quiet. You struggled with which words to say. Your mind was spinning.
"I didn't fall asleep on purpose," Your voice sounded tired from the racing of your thoughts.
"Yeah, I bet you were really struggling to get out of bed, huh?" He said bitterly.
"This is excessive. I know you're upset, but please…" She didn't want this to be the reason they couldn't finally reconcile.
The side door opens again and a familiar black mop of hair pokes out and smiles at you.
Tenko had been bringing you lunch during rehearsals for the last couple of weeks. They weren't handmade but that didn't make it any less thoughtful. You hadn't been able to see him much since the two of you had been so busy with your own projects and studying for finals. Tenko did his best to make you feel taken care of and it was so incredibly sweet. The timing could not be worse.
"I'm interrupting… I'll wait for you at the table."
"Actually," Touya leaned against the brick wall, "We're done here."
"Really..?" Tenko looks at him, then at you. You were panicking.
"She's all yours." Touya blew his smoke to the side away from the two of you.
You chew on your bottom lip and leave with Tenko who seemed hesitant, but didn't force you to stay.
Lunch with Tenko was good.
It was from a shop near campus that you liked. He had brought you your favourite meal and drink. You could tell he wanted to cheer you up and was unsure of how to do that. His chin rest against your shoulder as his fingers twitched anxiously. You took his hand into one of your own to soothe him.
"It's fine," you hide a sniffle with a bite of your food.
It wasn't but it had to be.
×X×
"Are you thinking about Touya..?"
You're pulled from your thoughts at the sound of Tenko's voice coming from behind you as he walked to your side. You swallow and look over at him with a weak smile.
"Yeah…"
He made a quiet noise of acknowledgement as he looked at the painting you had been staring at. It was a warm-toned piece with flecks of vivid cerulean and violet that blended into pink and crimson. The little white label beneath the painting read:
"Forever, 2223
Oil on canvas
A celebration of friendship."
You knew that it was stupid. You knew you should be angry at how easily Touya threw you away at the first sign of trouble. Yet you could only feel compassion for the friend that had been pretending you no longer existed.
It seemed like it was easy for him to push you away, to act like he wanted nothing to do with you. Then you remember that this was also the same person who had made sure you weren't lonely during holidays and invited you into his life.
Touya had shared with you his hurt and his joy, the same way you had shared with him your own. Three years ago, Touya was a person who could only trust himself to catch himself whenever he fell. With you, he had learned to take leaps of faith every time he entrusted you with pieces of himself.
It seemed like he was giving up on you, when in reality he was giving up on his first healthy friendship in a long, long time. The very thought put you in distress.
Tenko hugged you from behind, placing his chin on your shoulder. His body held you close and tore you from your downwards spiral. You didn't think your face had given away much of the storm that brewed inside of you for months. You had tried to put on a brave face around Tenko. Perhaps he knew you better than you thought.
Tenko's hands fiddle with the hem of your top as he buried his face into your neck, making you feel shy.
"We're in a gallery full of your classmates and professors…"
"They're all too busy schmoozing with each other to notice us in this corner..." He placed a kiss into the crook of your neck which made your skin prickle up with cute little goosebumps. "Soft…" His tongue licked a stripe teasingly against your neck and you shivered in his arms.
The gallery room was large and dimly lit, with the only light sources being the lamps angled to light up the artwork. There were a little less than eighty people in the room talking amongst themselves, when Tenko's hand slipped beneath the fabric of your bottoms.
His finger lightly rubbed the front of your panties. You should've told him to stop but in just three months Tenko had quickly learned the in's and out's of your body. He knew exactly what to do to make you desperate for more.
You squirm in his arms as you felt him maneuver his fingers. He pushed your panties to the side as he let his finger slowly swipe up your slick pussy. He chuckled darkly at the sound of you quietly gasping his name. The tip of his finger softly played with your clit and you gnawed on your bottom lip to keep yourself from making a scene.
You could feel Tenko's determination to hear you break from his movements as he moved his fingers in the way that guaranteed a quick finish for you. You wriggled a bit in his tight hold which kept you in place. You were so close, you could feel yourself on the verge of cumming in a room full of academics at any moment now.
"Oh, there you are, Shimura! We were looking for you!!"
You stiffened at the voices walking up from behind the two of you. Tenko growled and you almost didn't think he was going to pull his hand away until he begrudgingly did so and turned.
"Ah, Professor Yamada," Tenko gave a 30 degree bow in greeting to one of your professors. Yamada was a nosey man that had become acquainted with Tenko after noticing your relationship with each other.
"Aizawa and I came to see your display. It was one of our favourites!"
"I don't have favourites and I had to come. I'm a Studio Art professor." Aizawa corrected.
"It's incredible!" The chipper professor continued, "I see your muse is here with you tonight. Music and Art go hand in hand, you know!" He grabbed ahold of Aizawa's arm.
"That's my arm and no P.D.A. These are our students." Aizawa snatched his arm back, causing Yamada to pout audibly. The art professor looked at you with eyes that made you feel like he knew what had been going on before they had interrupted. Your face burned with embarrassment and your pussy throbbed as it missed Tenko's touch.
Tenko took his hand in yours as he discussed the exhibit and his art with the professors. It was the same hand he had in your pants a minute earlier and you could feel his finger rub the patterns you liked against the palm of your hand.
You still didn't know his favourite colour, but now you knew he liked to toy with you.
After the professors left, Tenko continued holding your hand as he walked out of the building and the two of you took the campus bus to the train station at the northern side of campus. While you waited for the next train, you opened your bag and pulled out your travel hand sanitizer and squirted fat goops into his hand and yours. Tenko deflated.
"Tenko," you laugh. "We can't just walk around in public with cummy hands. That's dirty."
With a pursed lips he wordlessly rubbed the antibacterial against his skin and let them air dry. A minute later, the train rolled up and they stepped on. It was the afternoon and the train was crowded from workers heading home. Tenko and you stayed standing near the doors since you were only riding for a couple stops. He placed his chin back on your shoulder and wrapped his arms around your waist again. You didn't want to get caught and fined for public indecency, so this time, you kept his hands busy by playing with his nimble fingers.
The train reaches the stop and the two of you walk a few blocks to reach a whale themed frozen yogurt bar. You each greeted the worker and grabbed your bowls while talking. After choosing your yogurt flavours and toppings, the two of you head for the register. You pull out your wallet and ignored Tenko's eyes on you as you did so.
"I'm paying."
You pout. You didn't have a job but it wouldn't hurt to use your food money on, well, food. You've had this conversation with him many times and he never budged. He seemed casual when saying the money was from his inheritance. That only served to stress you out more. He should've been saving it or using it for school, not on your dates.
"Tenko…" You whined as he paid. He grabbed your bowl and walked to a corner booth. "I wanna pay you back."
"You pay me back in different ways."
"Sex doesn't count." You pout as you sit beside him.
"I didn't mean that…" His cheeks held a sweet blush as he took a bite of his froyo.
"No?"
He shook his head.
"Then how?"
Tenko didn't answer. He was shy and didn't speak much about his own feelings and you didn't want to force it out of him. You were glad to hear a confirmation that your more intimate moments with him were not seen as transactional, not that you ever thought he saw it that way. You picked up your spoon and took a bite, enjoying the taste as you thought.
You watch him lick a sprinkle that had stuck to the edge of his lip and as he took another bite, your eyes stayed on his lips.
"Ten, I've always wondered…" You nibble on one of the toppings before continuing, "How'd you get that scar on your lip?"
Tenko's gummy worm fell from his spoon onto his lap and you used your napkin to help clean him up.
"I don't remember."
"Oh. Okay." You nod and set the napkin to the side and dig around your bowl in search of a topping you liked. You must have eaten them all.
You see Tenko moving in his seat in your peripheral and look up to see him holding a spoonful of his froyo with the topping sitting pretty on top.
"Say 'ah.'" Tenko ordered in a quiet voice.
You grin as you open your mouth for him, "Ahhh."
He moved the sweet treat into your mouth, your lips wrapping around the plastic of his spoon.
"Thank you," you snuggled into his side, hugging his arm.
"The award I won… it was thanks to you." Tenko said quietly as he pushed around a chocolate chip in his bowl. "I wouldn't have been able to do it without you, my muse."
You knew you were the subject of many of his works this semester, yet hearing him call you his muse filled your face with heat and you nuzzled your face into his upper arm in an attempt to calm yourself down. Tenko could be the sweetest boyfriend.
After froyo, the two of you walk around a public garden at sunset. The sky was brilliant orange with pink hues, tinting the world in warmth.
"I really did love the exhibit. I got to see your finished work and watch people compliment you and discuss art with you. You were in your element. You also look really good in a blazer and bun."
Tenko wore an unbuttoned black blazer that showed his signature black hoodie underneath. His wavy black hair was usually loose, covering much of his face, but for the event you helped him tie it back in a loose bun. With his hair (mostly) out of the way, you could see more of his pretty facial features. You were pleased to see that his skin looked much healthier than it had when the two of you had started dating. You had helped him find a simple skin routine that worked well for him. Hydrated or not, Tenko would always be cute to you.
You smile warmly as he took your hand in his. "I don't quite have the words to articulate it well, but the colours were my favourite part. I took an art class in high school and I couldn't ever really grasp colour theory." You knew the terminology but in practice you weren't very successful with it. "I know that there's something called colour harmony and complimentary colours but beyond things like hue and saturation… I'm lost. I don't understand the difference between RGB and CMY. Is there even a difference?" You looked puzzled.
"There's a lot that goes into colour theory. To answer your question, there are two main approaches: additive and subtractive. In additive colour theory, which is commonly associated with RGB, colours are made by emitting light through a light-based display. An example would be the pixels on a monitor You can mix light colours to form new colours."
"Subtractive colour theory, also known as CMYK, creates colours by absorbing and reflecting light. CMYK are colours that're used in the physical world, like photography and prints. In printing, for example, Cyan, Magenta, Yellow, and black inks are combined to create a range of colours by subtracting certain wavelengths of light. By reflecting, it absorbs the colours that are not the one you see and subtracts the colour…"
He walked passed a fountain as he spoke and reached a shady area with a bench. "If we imagine both using Red, Green, and Blue then in additive theory, they would mix to become white and in subtractive theory, they would mix to become black. Mastering both makes it easier to manipulate colours more effectively."
You stared at him in awe and he nervously itched his neck as if he were self-conscious for casually info dumping on you.
"That… made a lot of sense actually. You're so smart, you know that?" You giggled as you swung your hands together.
Tenko took a seat on the bench and you moved to sit beside him, but he pulled you to sit on his lap. You squeaked in surprise as you fell back onto him. His arms were strong as they wrapped around you and he kissed your neck.
"Someone's feeling clingy today." You giggled as he breathed in your skin.
"Mmph. You did this to me..."
"I'm not complaining."
Tenko quietly kissed your neck for a moment before he slipped a hand back into your bottoms. You were surprised and looked around for any onlookers. It was only the two of you.
Tenko once again rubbed the front of your panties while kissing the side of your pretty neck. Your hips reflexively jerked against him and you whined in frustration.
"Don't tease me, Tenko…"
"You said it'd be dirty to be in public with cummy hands."
"I-- I don't care about that right now."
"How filthy..."
He licked at your neck, grinning wide as he slipped his hand into your panties. He massaged your clit, making you wriggle and pant in his lap. His other hand slipped under your top to squeeze at the sensitive skin of your chest. Your nipples perked and he kneaded one of them, making you squirm more.
You leaned your head back against his shoulder and felt your eyes roll with pleasure as he played with you. You opened your legs a bit more to allow him better access and he slid his fingers up and down your slit to collect your juices before he teased your hole.
"Tenko, please…"
He hungrily jammed two fingers into you, making you yelp. He momentarily released his hold of your breast to tilt your face towards him and took you into a kiss. He continued moving his fingers, pumping in and out of you at a slower pace that slowly increased to a more moderate one. You clenched around him as he brushed against your g-spot.
"Your pussy's driving me fucking crazy," he laughed darkly.
You shivered over him, "T-Tenko, I'm close..."
"Come on my fingers." The hand that wasn't in your pants wrapped around your throat, his fingers pressed on the sides. "Come for me, angel."
The nickname he gave you during intimate times was so sweet, so Tenko, that it was the catalyst for the dam to burst. You bit your lip and shook as you came.
With Tenko's incredible finger stamina, he removed himself from your hole to continue his rubbing against your clit even as you whimpered from the overstimulation.
"Tenko... I-I.." You gasped and panted as you came again.
Tenko's fingers didn't stop.
You trembled violently in his lap as he stroked your clit and toyed with your nipple. His mouth had returned to your neck and he licked the flesh. You covered your mouth with your hand to muffle your scream as he made you cum a third time. You weren't sure how much longer you would be able to last and you didn't want to force him into having to carry you back to your dorm because of your shaky legs. You whimpered the safe word and he removed his hand from your bottoms.
He sucked on his fingers that were soaked with you, before sticking them in your mouth, too. You sucked on the digits slowly, keeping eye contact with him, enjoying the way his scarlet eyes were almost black from dilation. You finish and place a soft little kiss against his lips.
"My Tenko's such a fast learner."
He blushes as a shy expression appears on his face. You smile and rest your head against his shoulder, thinking about how lovely he looked when his cheeks matched the sunset.
×X×
It was the day before opening night and things were rough.
There had been too many technical issues with the stage, meaning they had to re-locate to a different theater in the building. The dimensions of the stage weren't exactly the same, but it was do-able. Apparently, there had been an electrical fire that caused too much damage and it wouldn't be fixed in time for opening night.
Moving sets to the other end of the hall cut down on rehearsal time, so everyone arrived a few hours early in a rush to get things done. You struggled as you carried a medium sized box of props and lost your footing on the steps. You nearly fall until someone much stronger than you catches you and the box.
"Oh my god, thanks-" You look up and see Touya staring down at you. He's got that bored expression he used to always wear when you first met him. You quietly clear your throat, "Thanks."
You attempt to leave with your box but he snatched it from you and walked up the stairs towards the back of the stage, leaving you behind.
In between warm ups, costume adjustments, and technical run-downs with the assistant stage manager, you return to helping the tech crew with tasks. There was still another hour before rehearsals officially started. You decide to go get food for everyone to help boost morale.
You knew that Touya wasn't the only person in the room with a car, but you didn't know any of the other available people well enough to be alone with them in a car. So, you approached him.
"I'm here on theater business."
Touya paid you no mind as he continued to scroll on his phone.
"Can I get a ride to the pizza store? The one next door to the coffee shop with the good donuts."
"Catch a train."
"I would but I can't carry everything in one trip."
He finally looked up at you and gave an exasperated stare before walking away. You began to mentally calculate how much it would cost to order a taxi. That would certainly be easier than carrying enough food for 40 on the train…
"Hey. Don't just stand there. Hurry up."
Touya was waiting for you, holding the door open.
Your face lights up and you follow after him. He lets the door shut before you make it all the way through.
"Rude!"
"Tch."
The car ride was void of any form of communication. You were thankful he had music playing. You eyed the screen, noting that it was his shoegaze playlist. You wondered if he was okay. He usually listened to that particular playlist when he had a lot on his mind. It was really hard not to bring it up.
Touya let you carry the pizza boxes yourself to the car while he sat at a table in the coffee shop. When you entered the shop and began to collect the drinks, Touya read through the orders scribbled onto the sides of the cups. They were all mostly the same with the exception of a few.
"You can have a drink, but please don't touch the black coffee and keto lemon bars."
He clicked his tongue against his teeth in condescension, "Didn't know you changed your diet. Your boyfriend make you do that?"
You dug through your bag for your wallet and pulled out your debit card and student I.D. for a discount. "Sato on lights is diabetic. Mine is the same as always."
Touya made no comment.
You paid and he sat in the car as you made a few trips back to the store to pick up the food and drinks. Soon after, the two of you were finally on your way back to campus. It wasn't a long drive, only five minutes, and Touya was already diving onto the walkway to pull up near the doors closest to the back. As he parked you continued to stare at the little stickers of puppies, kittens, and rainbows he had stuck around his dashboard. You had bought them for him a couple years ago on a whim and their cuteness looked out of place in his sleek, luxury car.
He stepped out of the car and you caught a glimpse of the keychain that matched the one on your keyring. Early on in your friendship with Touya he had made it known that he thought your handmade keychain was ugly. You thought it'd be fun to make him one too. You didn't expect to see him clip it to his keys, let alone continue to use it nearly three years later.
The cutesy stickers you bought for cheap and silly handmade keychains you recycled old craft supplies for were juxtaposed by his expensive car that could pay for your entire university tuition... It was all a reminder of how the two of you had come from completely different worlds and yet were still able to be such a big part of each other's lives.
Touya opened the passenger door, startling you. "Your little act of kindness ain't gonna mean much if the food gets cold-" He stops himself mid-sentence as he looks down at you in the car.
You frown and wiped away the tears that had formed and unbuckled your seat belt. You grabbing the carton trays with drinks and walking towards the building.
Touya walked ahead of you as he carried the boxes of pizza and donuts and tapped the handicap button with his boot. The doors to the performing arts building opened and he wordlessly followed you inside.
×X×
Touya watched as Tenko kissed you good luck before he left to sit in the seat you had reserved for him. It was opening night. The moment that everyone had been working towards for months was finally here.
Midway through the show, there had been technical difficulties. There had been a glitch in the system causing the show control to stop working and the techs were unable to take any cues. Luckily, Touya was an expert when it came to thinking on the fly so his improvisation felt like a natural part of the show. After his scene, there was an intermission and the cast waited in the back.
It was awkward as you sat in the make up chair beside Touya's. It felt like such a sharp contrast to the way your friendship normally was.
You stared at old notes on your script, your eyes still. You weren't reading and it looked like you were lost in thought. Touya's eyes quickly flitted away from yours when you looked over at him and he acted like he hadn't just been caught looking at you.
He heard you take an intake of breath, but no sound followed, which had him look back at you. Your mouth was half open until you shut it with a frown.
Touya stood from his chair.
"Fuck it."
He grabbed you by the wrist and pulled you to follow him down the hall.
"W-We're on standby we cant just leave..!?"
"We're not leaving."
Touya stuffed the two of you into of a broom closet. The florescent lights were harsh on his features, the shadows digging deeper into the scars covering his face.
His piercings were usually taken out for shows but this time, they were left in. They complimented the maroon liquid latex scars that mottled his pristine skin. There were pieces of cut wire, bent to look like staples holding his skin together. His hair had been dyed black for the role. It was different from the snowy white that was so Touya, but the dark look also had it's charm.
"Touya, they could need us at any time, we really shouldn't be--"
"Give me a fucking minute."
He had months, years, of frustration burning his insides and he had to fight the flames to collect the more rational thoughts.
You nodded patiently as he glared at a box of junk on the shelf beside your head. You looked down at his hands that were balled into fists, with knuckles that paled from the force.
When you looked away from his face down to his hands, Touya's eyes went back to you, his glare now aimed at the pensive look on your face. It wasn't that long ago that being this close to you was normal.
Though Touya had said it, he never truly believed that you were the one selling him out to the tabloids. He knew you would never do that. The trust he had for you was unlike anything he had ever experienced before.
His mind raced with flashbacks of the moments leading up to him realizing he had feelings for you, the dopey faced do-gooder that didn't mind her own business but also didn't overstep his boundaries. The two of you were from completely different worlds. You could've easily betrayed him on a number of occasions and you didn't. Whether it was to support him or scold him, you were always there for him.
More than anything, Touya wanted to tell you his feelings.
Your eyes look up at him with gentle concern and he feels the guilt run down his spine cold as ice.
He couldn't tell you. He couldn't risk hurting you like that. Not you.
"I--" he cleared his throat, "I've been an ass."
You nod in agreement.
"You're my best friend." He was unable to keep his voice from shaking at the end. He was glad you weren't the kind of person to judge him for it.
"You're my best friend, too." You adjust your stance as you looked up at him. "I'm guessing... you were jealous? Of Tenko?"
"What?" His eyes widen a fraction. Had his feelings been that obvious the entire time? Fuck.
You fidgeted with a piece of fabric on your costume, looking as shy as you did three years ago. "It all started around the time Tenko and I started dating… I thought you were just jealous of him getting all of my attention, but you completely shut me out. You liked me, didn't you..?"
Oh.
He almost laughed out loud at how frustrating the entire situation was.
He simply looked down at you and made no effort to speak. The smudged eyeliner around the edges of his eyes, dark as soot, made his piercing eyes look even more intense.
"I'm sorry for not realizing sooner. It must have felt terrible whenever I talked to you about Tenko..."
He was so restless that he had to add more workouts to his routine and at one point, he even broke out a birthday gift you gave him a while back. A fidget toy, because he was always moving around whenever he got excited. Stressed too, apparently. He was so stressed recently. It was fucking awful.
He rolled his eyes, "It wasn't that bad."
You reach for his hand, careful not to ruin the make up as you gripped his fingers.
"I care about you, Touya. You mean the world to me and I never want to lose you."
It was something he had always wanted to hear, yet his stomach sank as she said it. It was a feeling he had gotten much too acquainted with recently.
He knew what was coming next.
"You're my best friend."
He knew what you were saying. He could hear it loud and clear.
"I know."
He fixed his gaze back on the mess behind you. He couldn't keep looking at your watery eyes anymore. He sighed, running a hand through his jet black hair and leaving it more wild than it already was. After a moment, he opened them to look down at you again. "I've accepted it."
He gently pat the top of your head, careful not to mess up the wig. He preferred the look and feel of your natural hair as opposed to the synthetic rat's nest the hair and makeup team picked out for you.
"Yeah?" You asked hopefully.
He hummed a quiet affirmation. "And if that shrimp tries anything, I'll deep fry him."
You pout and he forces himself to pull his hand away and reminded himself to keep his distance from you. You weren't his.
"If he's a shrimp then so are you. You guys are the same height."
"Nah," he gave you a lopsided grin as he stuffed his hands in his pockets. "I'm taller."
"You're delusional."
The two of you jumped when a stage hand walked in on the two of you and talked into their headset to tell someone that they found you. It was time to go.
You smiled softly at Touya before walking out with him close behind.
×X×
The performance went without anymore major technical issues. Near the end, your outfit got caught on the set and Touya handled it so professionally that it was highly unlikely that anyone in the audience had noticed.
You were backstage at the makeup vanity quickly dabbing away sweat while a mini fan blew the wig around. The cast were encouraged to go meet with the audience post-show in the lobby. The others were already out there and you were a little behind since you ran off to the bathroom after the curtain call.
A bottle of water is placed on the vanity and you look over to see that Touya brought it to you. You thank him and chug most of it. The cold was a relief. You let out a sigh as you set it down, catching Touya as he stared at you in the reflection of the mirror.
"What?"
His eyes shifted higher up from your face, to the creature that sat on your head.
"Take that shit off. It looks bad."
"No way. My hair's not done under this."
"Who cares."
"I do. We take post-show pictures."
He rolled his eyes and sips the rest of your water.
"You're just jealous you didn't get a wig."
"I said no. You should've said no." And if the costume department had an issue with it, Touya would've let them know exactly how he felt about that.
You reached for the water and pout when you realized it was empty. He smirked at you and opened his mouth to tease you about it when the assistant stage manager entered the room.
"You two are still here? Go out there and say hello. You've got people waiting for you..!"
You quickly touched up your make up before hopping out of the chair and rushed to the lobby, with Touya lazily walking at his own pace. Attendees praised your performance and after they left the cast had a photo op. Finally, it was time to hang up the costume and remove the makeup and wig. You walked down the hall in your normal clothes and passed through the lobby. Your eyes searched for black hair when a large bouquet of pink roses obscured your vision.
"Long time no see!" Fuyumi chirped as she placed a gift bag in your hand. "Homemade pastries. Shouto helped."
"I didn't know you guys were coming to opening night. Thank you so much." You took the flowers that Natsuo was handed to you.
"Oi, Natsu." Touya's said as he stood beside you. "I don't think your girlfriend's gonna be happy to hear you're giving flowers to other girls."
Natsuo's face turned beet red, "Th-These are from all of us..! Mom picked them out!" He rubbed the back of his neck. "She's sorry she couldn't come. She didn't wanna risk getting anyone sick."
"I got someone recording it anyways…" Touya couldn't hide the slight disappointment in his voice.
You gave Touya a smile of reassurance before you looked back at his siblings. "It's okay, I'll come visit over the summer and we can watch the recording together. It's better if she rests."
"Would you like to join us for dinner?" A gruff voice asks as it approaches.
"Mr. Todoroki," you bow low. "Um, I'd love to but--"
"She's got plans," Touya finished for you. Touya knew you felt grateful for his family's kindness towards you and that you had a hard time saying no to them because of it.
You smile sheepishly, nodding. "Since there's no cast party tonight, my boyfriend wanted to do something."
"Another time, then." Touya could see that you didn't miss the way his father looked at him when he said that. Enji didn't know subtle even if it hit him with a train. Fucking hell.
"Anyways," Touya grumbled. "Guess who decided to finally show up."
You look over at the direction he was facing and saw the familiar dark mop of hair standing by a pillar. Tenko held a bouquet of flowers and a gift bag as he stood in the corner.
You wave him over and he timidly approaches. Everyone bows and does polite introductions.
"Where are my damn flowers?" Touya asks with no real bite to it. He had no idea why he was trying to lighten the weird tension that had settled onto the group with Tenko's arrival. He tried to keep his eyes off of you.
"Next time I'll…" Tenko looked at you, seemingly caught off guard by Touya's sudden willingness to talk to him. "…bring you something."
"Thank you," you tell his family. "We'll definitely make summer plans, okay? Thank you." You politely bow in farewell to the Todoroki family before walking across the room to the corner with Tenko.
Touya ignored the looks he was getting from everyone except Shouto who didn't really seem all that interested in what was going on.
"Don't--"
"Boyfriend!?" Natsuo whispered wildly. "You guys really weren't dating this whole time!?"
Fuyumi elbowed him, "What Natsu means to say is it's a very surprising turn of events." She glared at him for a moment before looking over at you and your boyfriend talking. You were smiling. "She seems happy…" Fuyumi treaded carefully.
"You look like a different person." Shouto bulldozed through the strange atmosphere of the group, "It's weird seeing you with black hair."
"Okay, split dye."
"This is my real hair colour. You should know, you're my brother, aren't you?"
"I like it," Natsuo chimed in. "Maybe I'll go dark, too!"
"What's your girlfriend gonna say about that?" Fuyumi joked knowing any mention of his girlfriend got him flustered. Natsuo squawked in surprise and Fuyumi giggled as he complained.
"A bit soon to be getting married, don't you think." Shouto said monotonously. Everyone stopped and looked in the direction he was looking and they watched as Tenko slid a ring onto your ring finger.
"N-No way, she wouldn't. That's has to be some kind of promise ring… right?" Fuyumi nervously eyed Touya did his best not to show his feelings on his face.
"Whatever."
"Really? 'Whatever'?"
"Yeah. Whatever." He peeled his eyes away and focused on picking at the leftover staple glue on his hand while he ignored his feelings.
"Big bro Touya's an idiot." Shouto stated simply as he took out his phone. "I am going to call mom and tell her it's over. Do I tell her you're coming back with us?"
Touya glared at his little brother and huffed, "Yes."
He'll drive himself so he's not stuck there overnight. Shouto left the room. Fuyumi said she was gonna go too and ended up tugging Natsuo along with her when he didn't get the hint.
Enji awkwardly stood near Touya.
"What? Take a picture it'll last longer. You're stinking up the room with your old man smell."
Honestly, Touya had no idea why he himself was still there.
Well, he did, but he didn't want to think about that.
"Are you going to be… alright?"
Todoroki Enji was big as fuck and the way his voice sounded nervous as he broached the topic was so uncharacteristic. It didn't fit the version of him Touya was used to having in his head. He actually sounded genuine. Fuck this was awkward.
"If you're asking if I'm going to break down crying over a little crush then you should just shove it." Touya forced his hands into his pockets. They were some of the last people left in the lobby.
You look over at Touya and see him alone with his father. You smile at him and wave goodbye as you exit the building, the ring glinting in the light. Touya watched the two of you walked out in the direction of Tenko's dorm.
"I may be an old man that's out of touch, but even I know it wasn't just a little crush."
And with that, Enji left.
"Stupid old man. What does he know…" Touya grumbled to himself.
A lot, apparently. More than Touya was willing to admit to himself. He thought he was over the whole 'rejecting his feelings' thing. Apparently not.
He had to learn to accept it.
If anyone deserved to be happy, it was you. He'd take the heartache. Maybe he didn't have you in the way that he hoped he could, but you were still willing to be his friend even after all his selfishness.
shimura tenko × poc friendly f!reader ft. todoroki touya.
-> safe for work // 4.8k words // AO3 // part 2.
-> warnings: jealousy + some actions may be considered creepy. low self-esteem, shyness, a couple of very brief musical references, family member death mention.
summary: tenko goes to art school and gets a little crush on a musical theater major.
×X×
Horizon Line -- an actual or imaginary line in a work of art representing the point at which water or land seems to end and the sky begins.
×X×
Tenko had fallen asleep before the performance had even started.
He had long lost track of how long he'd been awake for. It was the end of his second semester in university and the prestigious art program he was in made sure to keep him busy with project after project. He was running out of steam. Honestly, he had been running on fumes for weeks now.
He'd rather be in his dorm finishing his assignments instead of sitting in one of the theaters in the performing arts building. If it wasn't a requirement for Fine Arts majors to attend other Fine Arts events, he would have never set foot in this place. The noise of the attendees filling the room and the orchestra tuning their instruments in the pit was grating his sleep deprived nerves.
He grumbled and crossed his arms as someone took the seat beside him, his leg bouncing as he grabbed the program the usher had handed to him when he first entered. Tenko's bloodshot eyes were barely able to process anything more than The Phantom of the Opera on the front of the flimsy pamphlet, before shutting it and glaring at the scarlet curtains on the stage.
A few minutes later, the lights began to dim and he sighed in relief as the room quieted. He could finally catch some much needed sleep. He tried stretching his stiff legs in an attempt to loosen himself up and closed his eyes.
Only to open them at the sound of your voice singing to him on the stage.
"Think of me, think of me fondly when we've said goodbye. Remember me, once in a while, please, promise me you'll try."
Tenko was mesmerized. Watching you on stage woke him up more than the energy drinks he'd been living off of all semester. He was absolutely immersed with your performance. He soaked in your every word and movement and before he knew it, two hours had gone by and the cast was being applauded as they bowed.
He sat in awe for a moment as the auditorium lights flicked on and he stood, shuffling through the crowd. He found a nice corner of the lobby behind a pillar as he and some other audience members waited. He skimmed through the program and found you. He whispered your name like a secret only he could ever know.
The cast slowly came out one by one and thanked the guests for coming. Tenko's eyes darted around impatiently. Finally, out came you in the white gown you wore in your final scene, looking like an angel that had come down to offer his sin-filled existence some respite.
You greeted and thanked the attendees as they praised you and handed you flowers. It was the final night of your musical and you were beaming. Tenko's fingers fidgeted at his sides as he yearned to get closer to you and experience your radiance himself.
A guest bowed and left, leaving an opening for him to approach. He took a step out from behind the pillar, but you turned at the sound of your voice coming from behind you. Tenko recognized the person as the man who played the Phantom and sighed when he saw you turn and leave the room.
When Tenko returned to his dorm, he searched your name online and found your social media. His night was spent watching your videos. He didn't realize how much time had passed until his alarm went off and he saw the sunlight peaking out from behind onyx curtains. It was time for him to get ready for class.
The semester had finished with him acing art and barely passing his core courses. It was winter break and with most students away, the campus was deserted. The thought of having no one to go home to didn't even cross his mind as he spent the break filling his sketchbooks with your image.
His second semester started off much better than the first one. His art had rapidly improved from how much he'd been practicing recently.
He found a spot he liked. It was a small outdoor table nestled between some trees on the southern campus dormitory area. The weather on this side of the country wasn't as cold as other prefectures would be in January, but there was still the occasional breeze that made his dry skin prickle up with goosebumps. It was the rain that was more likely to get him sick, although, since he was under the wide umbrella of the table, he found that unlikely and continued his sketch of you.
A week and a half later, he gulped down the last of his cold medication and slammed the container down in frustration. He leered at the harrowed reflection staring back at him on the dirty bathroom mirror. His eyes were heavy with deep bags, his skin a sickly colour, and his black hair hadn't been brushed in 2 or 3 days. He let out a sigh.
×X×
He found another spot he liked, safe from the chilling late January rain. It was in the performing arts building, in a seating area by the entrance. The art program may have been the school's top program, but the grand architecture and romantic interior design of the performing arts building clearly showed it also wasn't anything to scoff at, despite being was a few stories shorter than the building across the quad that Tenko was more familiar with. It was much noisier here, too.
Tenko had his earbuds in as he slouched on the upholstered chair, sketching, when he noticed a familiar form in the corner of his eye.
It was someone he recognized as your frequent scene partner that you seemed to be joined at the hip with, if your social media was anything to go by. Tenko felt a spark of excitement bubbling inside of him and he looked around hoping to see you, but your face was not among the crowd of students. His hope deflated to disappointment and he scratched the side of his neck. You were likely already in class.
It was ten minutes into the hour when Tenko decided to leave. He gathered his things and carried his sketchbook in his arms as he stood and walked away from the seating area.
He tripped over his feet and bumped into someone, his sketchbook flying out of his grasp.
"Oh no, I'm so sorry!!"
It was you.
Your sweet voice was full of apology as you bent down to grab his sketchbook for him. He watched in awe at how swiftly you moved. He was at a loss for words. Your fingers froze over the edge and Tenko realized what page it had landed open on.
"Is that... me?"
Your voice sounded so pretty, even when you were confused. He felt his face burning as you grabbed the sketchbook and stood. Your eyes stared down at the sketch of you he had just done while in the seating area, when he was itching to catch a glimpse of the top of your head through the crowd.
You were so close now and it was going to kill him.
"This is from my Jekyll and Hyde audition in Spring 2220, right? Back when I was trying to get the role of Lisa. I can't believe it's already been three years since then..."
You were so close now and he knew you'd think he was a creep for watching your old videos and bumping into you. You probably thought he had it all planned out, like some sort of stalker.
"Is it okay if I flip through..?"
His brain was screaming at him to say 'no, give it back' but his head nodded, unable to deny you of anything you wanted from him. Yes, there were sketches of you without any clothes on and he was well aware of how that would look, but he couldn't find it in himself to care. He would rip out his heart for you to use as a hand warmer, if you asked.
He watched with a gut wrenching mix of horror and delight as you flipped through and took your time to study every page. Drawing had always come easily for him, with hands being his favourite body part to draw. Expressions were a bit more difficult for him to feel satisfied by so he preferred to leave faces blank or smudged out. With you, he actually put in the effort to capture your expressions.
He could see your eyes carefully observe every stroke he had made and take in the details. The furrow in your brow as you focused had him contemplating whether or not he wanted to reach his hand over to your face and smooth it out or leave it perfect the way it was.
You hand him the sketchbook and he snaps out of his thoughts.
"Huh?" He had been too in his head to hear what you had said.
"Thank you, I've never had someone draw me before. It feels really nice." You say with a soft laugh.
The sound made his skin itch and the tips of his fingers tingle with electricity. He clutched his sketchbook tight enough to pale his knuckles. His nails dug into the material as he barely remembers to stop staring and nod as you offer him praise and he feels dizzy. You were so nice. Why were you so nice? To him? He wanted to speak but he couldn't decide on what to say.
"I gotta go. I'm super late to practice and my partner's going to be on my ass about it." You sighed. You wave goodbye and disappear down the hallway.
He was also a bit late to class. His figure drawing professor shot him a judgmental look as he entered the room. Tenko couldn't bring himself to care.
You knew he existed.
×X×
The weather was nice and Tenko was sketching at the outdoor table, when someone sat across from him. He looked up and saw you with an ice cream cone.
"I knew you looked familiar! You're the person that's always out here working on something."
He felt his face heating up as you took a lick of your ice cream. You were so forward. He didn't expect you to approach him again. He had chalked the positive end of your last conversation up to politeness.
"I guess you've been drawing this whole time, huh? Mystery solved. Also explains why you're so good at drawing."
"Thanks to your performances," Tenko says without thinking. He immediately panics at how creepy he sounded.
"Oh, is that why you draw me? I thought it was the outfits since the costume department goes all out. Huh, interesting."
You continue licking your ice cream while watching him and he has to look away. He felt so shy in your presence. He didn't feel worthy of your attention. You were so soft, so pretty, so talented and he was just a creep with a crush that couldn't stop himself from sketching you constantly.
He looks down at his hands as he stumbles through his nerves when he explains how watching you had helped him with movement, making his art more fluid and dynamic. When he finishes, he looks up and sees you smiling at him. The sight made his breathing hitch and he rasped out a small, "What..?"
Were you making fun of him? Is that what this was? Were you actually just here to--
"I could do some reference work for you, if you'd like?"
His eyes widened and he could feel his face heating, the corners of his lips tugging. He didn't know how to speak without making a fool of himself and he was thankful you kept talking. He was happy to sit quietly and watch you.
"We could schedule private sessions, that way it can be just the two of us without anyone interrupting."
"What?" Questioned a third, deeper voice.
The two of you look up and see your partner staring down at you while holding an ice cream cone of his own. "What kinda weird shit you getting into now?"
Your brows furrowed. "Hm? What do you mean?"
"Your wording sucks."
You took a moment to think about it and became flustered. "I didn't mean anything strange," you assured Tenko.
"Sure, pervert."
"Anyways, this is my new friend, uh..." you look over at him sheepishly, "Sorry, what's your name?"
"Shimura Tenko..." His fingers fiddle with the corner of his paper.
"Can I call you Tenko? Or is that too familiar?"
Tenko's face heated up, "Th-That's fine..."
You nod enthusiastically before looking back up at your partner. "This is my new friend Tenko. They're the artist I was telling you about!"
"Oh, so you're the creep who draws her naked."
"I-It's art..!" You defended.
"S'weird, but whatever." The man seemed bored as he licked his ice cream and took a seat in the chair beside her. "Todoroki Touya. She's like a leech so you're stuck with her now. My condolences."
You nod as you take a lick of your ice cream, "We are now bonded for life."
Tenko awkwardly looks between the two of them, unsure of what to say. The two performers end up in a conversation and he can tell you were trying to include him so that he didn't feel left out. After some bickering, Touya takes a bite out of your ice cream.
"How can you just bite it like that!? Doesn't it hurt your teeth!?"
He shrugs, "The cold never bothered me."
You hum a song from a children's movie as you pull out your phone and hand it to Tenko, asking him to insert his Line I.D. because you want to friend him. He looks between you and Touya, crimson eyes glancing at the arm the other man was lazily resting on the back of your chair.
"Is that okay..?"
You tilt your head in confusion, reminding him of a puppy. "Why wouldn't it be?"
Tenko looks from your kind eyes over to the man beside you whose turquoise pair that seemed to be blazing with fire. Tenko blinks and Touya's now impassive expression. Perhaps the dark look directed towards him was simply his mind playing tricks on him.
He typed in his username and you send him a friend request as soon as the phone is returned to you. You angle the phone above your head to take a selfie. Touya shoves his head into the frame, lazily sticking his pierced tongue out as he photobombed.
You notice the time and stand up in a hurry. "I still have that history paper due tonight and I haven't even started it yet! Bye guys!" You run off towards the student housing that happened to be across from the outdoor table, swiping your student I.D.
Tenko watched as you disappeared into the building before looking over at Touya who still sat at the table, only to find that the man was already staring at him. Tension thickened the air like smoke from a fire that made him feel almost suffocated. He opened his mouth to speak, but Touya merely scoffed at him. He finished his ice cream in a single bite and left. He watched as Touya swiped his student I.D., shooting the timid Tenko a cocky grin as he entered the same building as you.
Before he could think much of it, Tenko felt his phone vibrate and unlocked it to see you had sent him your class schedule so that you two could plan a time to meet up. He eagerly studied the photo and you sent him another photo. It was the selfie you took before you left.
"It was nice seeing you again, Tenko! Let's set up a day to hang out!! Here's a photo in case you forget who I am."
He could feel the heat rising from his neck to his ears.
You were too cute.
He could never forget you.
×X×
Over the next 3 weeks, Tenko lost track of the amount of times the two of you had hung out. Sometimes for drawing references, sometimes to eat at the dining hall, sometimes just for the hell of it. Your schedule was busier than his, so he was appreciative of the fact that you went out of your way to be with him. Especially on today, of all days.
You and Tenko sat on the floor, your backs against the mirror of the small practice room as he clutched the bag of chocolate cookies you had given him.
They were homemade, you said. You had baked them on your dorm floor's shared kitchen. They were in the shape of hearts, flowers, and there was even a bunny shaped. He didn't think he would ever forget the ache in his chest when you told him he reminded you of a bunny. The cookies had pink and red icing made with natural ingredients, which was why the palms of your hands were stained red from the beet juice. He licked his dry lips at the thought of you working hard. Just for him, too, because apparently Touya was a picky eater so you simply bought blue food colouring to use on his cookies. He swallowed anxiously as you continued speaking.
"I was hoping that maybe I'd get chocolates today."
"Isn't Valentine's Day when the girl gives the guy the chocolate..?"
You nod, "The norm is that girls give chocolates to guys on Valentine's Day then on White Day the guy can give the girl chocolates in response, but you never know! Girls can give girls chocolates, too. It happened to a friend of mine in high school, though it was the guy version of that. Anyways, why do Valentine's Day and White Day have to be gender specific? Just show the person you care about that you were thinking of them."
You sighed before continuing, "I've never gotten chocolates before. I know, it's kind of silly to whine about this, but I'm a bit of a hopeless romantic so can you blame me?" You laugh softly to yourself. "If Touya was here, he'd say yes and that it's my fault. He's always teasing me about these kinds of things." Tenko watches as you purse your lips deep in thought.
Tenko chewed his lip before quietly asking, "And Touya..? Won't he give you any on White Day?"
"Maybe, but it'll be different." You pull up your knees and hug them.
Your thighs were distracting and he struggled to keep his eyes off of them.
"The cookies I gave to Touya were obligatory chocolates, not the 'real feeling' kind you would give to someone you like. Last year, I gave Touya obligatory chocolates and he started complaining because he had already received too many sweets. I was so jealous. At least I managed to convince him to give me his chocolate."
Though he enjoyed snacks, Tenko didn't really care for the holiday. He never really had a reason to... until now.
"Tenko, have you ever gotten chocolates? I mean, other than the ones I just gave you?"
"No."
"So, I'm your first?"
He nodded, moving his head to stare down at the sketch in his lap. His fingers fiddled with the corner of the page, crumpling it more and more until it became limp from wrinkling. He had always found destroying things to be quite soothing for him.
"I..." Tenko was hesitant but decided if you were going to reject him, it was better if you did it sooner rather than later. "I used to live in an orphanage..."
In the corner of his eye, he can see you moving your head quickly to look at him. He tried to swallow his nerves as he continued speaking.
"My family died in an accident when I was five. I was sent to live with a distant relative since there was no one else and the situation was not... ideal. The kids at my new school picked up on my gloominess and shunned me. Even when my great uncle died, my presence would be deemed too unsettling to anyone that tried getting to know me."
He was too afraid to turn his head to look at you so he continued fiddling with the page, ruining more and more of it. You place your hand over his, calming the destruction.
"I used to live in an orphanage, too."
Tenko's eyes widened and he looked at you. "Are you... lying?" He whispered.
"My parents died in an accident when I was little. Wrong place, wrong time. I had no other family in Japan, so I got placed in a children's home."
His eyes scanned your face, looking for any sign of this being a trick but he could tell from the warm sincerity in your eyes that you were telling him the truth. "I don't know what to say."
You smile softly at him, "You don't have to say anything."
The feeling of your thumb rubbing circles against his thumb made Tenko's heart tremble. He wanted to swim in this feeling, to drown in your touch.
He watched your eyes glance down from his dark eyes to his lips, his breathing hitching in anticipation as you leaned in slowly to--
The practice room door opened, making the two of you flinch. Tenko missed the feeling of your hand as you leaned back and glared at the intruder.
"I thought I told you to knock before opening doors. You scared me." You folded your arms against your chest.
"I guess I won't give you my chocolates," Touya taunted as he walked over to you. He dropped his bag at the side of you Tenko wasn't on, making a loud 'thump' as it hit the wood floor.
"Chocolate!!"
Touya smirked as you opened it and pulled out a heart shaped cookie with the kanji for love written in icing.
"Whatever, eat later. We've got rehearsal."
You look up at Touya while stuffing your face before looking over at Tenko, then back at your partner. "Already? It's not for another twenty minutes."
Touya rolled his eyes and grabbed the bag before you could reach in for more sweets. "Early is on time, on time is late."
"Hey, that's what I tell you! Don't use those words against me, they sound weird coming from your mouth." You wipe your hands against a handkerchief before moving to stand up. "By that logic, you're always late."
Touya moved towards the door, beckoning you closer with the bag, "Here, doggy."
"Doggy..!?"
"If you spin around and bark I'll give you a treat."
The two of you could hear him laughing as he walked out of the room with the bag.
You pout, "That Touya... doesn't he know dogs can't eat chocolates?" You shake your head and Tenko stands, pulling his backpack on. "I guess I'll... see you later then?"
It felt kind of awkward now, but Tenko didn't mind that much. He only wished that your time together wasn't cut so short.
"Yeah..."
"Can't wait." You grin and walk out of the dance practice room together. You wave as you go down the opposite side of the hall to catch up with Touya. In the distance Tenko can hear you woof.
As Tenko exited the performing arts building, he felt his phone vibrate. He opened it and saw a selfie of you with chocolate smeared on the side of your face, while trying to shove Touya's face out of the frame and seemingly getting the chocolate on his face in the process.
He grinned. He also couldn't wait to see you again.
×X×
"Chocolate? For me?" You gaped at the small bag of chocolates.
Tenko nodded, his eyes shyly peering up at you as you grabbed the bag and opened it. "There's only four. I made more but they… got ruined…"
"They're handmade?" Your face softened at him, making his heart flutter and his fingers flex at his sides in excitement. You took a bite of one and grinned wide, covering your mouth with your hand as you spoke. "This is really good, Tenko. I didn't know you could cook."
Tenko couldn't but he wasn't going to ruin the moment by speaking. He watched as you ate. The two of you were sitting side by side at his favourite outdoor table near your dorm.
Last month, on Valentine's Day, the end of your conversation was a little awkward but thankfully it was gone the next time you guys saw each other. Once again, the two of you had hung out together a bunch of times. The biggest difference though was proximity. Tenko had noticed you getting closer and closer to him at every encounter.
"I finally received chocolates from someone. I'm really happy that it was you, Tenko."
He felt like he died and went to heaven. It would explain your presence. You just needed a halo.
"They're…"
Your eyes looking up from the bag made him nervous and he shook his head, deciding it was better if he didn't finish the sentence.
"They're what?" You ask, sensing his hesitation. "It's just me," you reassure.
"Just you..?" Just you? Just you?
You smile at him before looking down at the bag of chocolates with a pensive expression for a few moments. You look back up at him.
"Tenko."
"…Yes?" His voice nearly broke. Did he go to far? Did he?
"Even if your hair is always in your face, you're pretty cute." You reach out and brush his hair to the side, tucking it behind his ear. The warmth of your finger tips were no match for the heat flaring across his entire body at your sweet gesture.
You giggle and slowly lean in to his face. He doesn't move. He is frozen. You place a kiss on his cheek and he panics, moving further away in his chair with his hand coming up to hover over the site of your affection.
"Y-You kissed me…"
"I-- I'm-- I'm sorry! I didn’t think you would be offended by it. Are you okay?"
"What about Touya!?"
You look at him with a puzzled expression. "What about Touya?"
"He's your boyfriend, isn't he!?"
"Huh!?" You sat up straight in your seat, eyes wide with shock. "I don't have a boyfriend??"
"What.!?"
"You mean --this whole time-- you thought Touya was my--" A laugh escaped your lips for a brief second until you collected yourself, looking at him seriously. "Touya's my best friend. I mean… I did like him at one point but it wasn't reciprocated. Not that it matters, that's old news. I like you, Tenko."
The air left his lungs and he was pretty sure it wasn't going to come back anytime soon.
You liked him?
You?
Liked him?
Shimura Tenko?
Was he dreaming? Hallucinating this entire conversation? It was the only way any of this made sense.
"Here, eat some of these chocolates with me. They're really yummy. The perfect mix of sweet and salty." You pluck one from the baggy and lift it towards his lips. He stares into your eyes then down at the chocolate.
"I'd rather you eat them…"
You pout, "Okay, I won't force you."
You nibble on the chocolate and Tenko licks his lips at the sight.
"What?" You half-laugh. His eyes snap back up to yours.
"I like you, too."
"You do?" You look at him shyly. "I guess now would be a good time to tell you those chocolate cookies I gave you last month were the 'real feeling' kind?"
You've liked him for that long?
Tenko couldn't control himself anymore and, without warning, he leans in and takes your lips into a kiss. It's clumsy and awkward just like him, but you don't shove him away.
He can taste the salty sweet on your tongue as you kiss him back and though he wants to keep going, his lungs protested. He pulls back and the two of you stare at each other as he gathers his bearings.
"Was that your first kiss?" You ask.
He offers a small nod, "It was that bad..?"
"It's okay, we'll have plenty of time to practice."
Surprise filled him. "You want to d-do it again?"
You giggle, "Of course I do. As long as you're alright with it…"
"Right now? We can do it again right now?" He knew he sounded eager but he couldn't bring himself to care. He needed to feel the softness of your lips against his own.
"I like your enthusiasm." You laugh. "Let's do it when it's just us, okay? We're in public. I'm sure we can schedule in some more uninterrupted private sessions, right, Tenko?" You teased lightly.
Tenko gulped, nodding since he didn't trust his voice at the moment.
You weren't disgusted by him, you wanted to kiss him. You wanted to be alone with him. You accepted him and all his faults.
You liked him.
Tenko, impatient as he was, could wait as long as you needed him to.
-> not safe for work // 6.3k words // AO3.
-> warnings: angst, break up, arguing, lots of crying, touya has an avoidant attachment style, dialogue heavy, poor communication, nipple biting, oral, possessive, fingering.
"Are you breaking up with me?"
Touya scoffs as he pulls his keys from his pocket. "Don't be so melodramatic. We weren't even dating."
"I--I know but... you know what I mean."
"What do you want me to say? That I'm sorry? 'Cause I'm not. I don't want this."
"Liar."
"Whatever helps you sleep at night." He opens the door of your apartment and walks out towards his car.
"You think I don't know you're pushing me away on purpose?" You follow him out, not caring that the shoes you pulled on in a hurry didn't match. "As much as you like to pretend you don't care, I know you--"
He interrupts you with an angry laugh as he reaches his car, before turning to face you. "You must be delusional if you think you have me all figured out. Don't tell me what I feel. You don't fucking know me."
The headlights of his car flash in staccato signaling that it was now unlocked. He opens the door and you try not to show that you can see his hands shaking as he grips the metal. He stands there glaring at you, like if you had just spat in his face. Maybe, in his mind, you did.
"I don't need to know every detail about your life to know that you're lying to yourself. You're afraid."
There’s a look in his eye that disappears as quickly as it came. It’s immediately replaced by an awful sneer.
"Afraid of what, huh? That I'll actually start to see you as more than a hole I use to get my rocks off? You think I won’t ditch you like all the others? You're not special, sweetheart.”
You flinch at his words.
You knew he was right. You became acquainted with him through mutual friends for quite some time before getting physically involved with him. You knew of his non-committal self-sabotaging tendencies. It didn't make his words hurt any less.
“I know.”
You stare down at the old gum-stained sidewalk, missing the flash of guilt that flickered through his face. The lump forming in your throat gets swallowed down forcefully and you try to ignore the stinging in your eyes by focusing on keeping your voice steady.
"I may not be special, but at least I can be honest with myself, which is more than you can say about yourself."
He threw his hands up in the air, laughing. "Real cute coming from you. I'm not the one that's so desperate for attention that I start writing sappy love stories in my head. Maybe someday you'll find someone who wants to deal with this shit, but it's not gonna be me."
He makes a move to get in the car and you take a few steps forward which is enough to catch his attention.
"You were just as lonely and desperate for attention as me when we first met, Touya. You parade around all day acting like you don't care about anything, saying you can't feel anything, but if that was the case you wouldn't have come back. You always come back home."
There was a slip up a few months ago. The two of you were out with friends at a karaoke room and he said he wanted to go home. You never brought attention to it, but he knew from the way you choked on your food that you had heard him. Ever since then, any time he heard the word 'home' he'd think back to that moment and regret letting himself drink enough to forget his common fucking sense.
And now you had acknowledged that it was a real moment that actually happened when he would much rather shove the memory away and pretend it was a stupid thing that someone else had said. Someone that wasn’t him.
You stood a few feet in front of him, sniffling and staring down at the tires of his car.
"You're the most stubborn person I've ever met. You never do anything you don't want to do and you kept coming back." You wipe your nose, ignoring the feeling of hot tears spilling down your cheeks. "Even now, you're still standing here talking to me instead of leaving. If you didn't care you would have already left."
He stares at you intensely. The only sounds breaking the silence was a dog barking at sirens in the distance and your sniffles.
You were right.
He hated that you were right.
"So what?"
He gets in his car, slamming the door in anger and roaring the engine to life. He turns in his seat to look through the rear window as he slowly begins to back out of the parking space. He was leaving.
You panic, suddenly shoving your upper body inside the open window of his front passenger door.
"What the fuck do you think you're doing!?" He hit the breaks immediately, causing you to flail as you lose your balance on the door and he swiftly grabs both of your wrists with one hand to keep you from falling out and busting your stupid head on asphalt.
"W--We haven't finished talking..!" You gasp out, feeling your heartbeat pounding in your chest as he sets the car in park despite not being in a parking space anymore. "If you leave now, you'll only feel worse later!"
He simply stares at you in disbelief. His mind was screaming at him to get the hell out of there. The only thing stopping him from flooring the gas pedal right now was the fact that your legs were still dangling idiotically outside of the car as you struggle to get inside.
You look ridiculous clinging to the window with a tear streaked face. You were so determined--desperate?-- to keep him in your life…
"Get out of my car," he snaps. "Right now."
You quit trying to shove yourself further into his car so he releases his hold on your wrists, bringing his hand back towards him to set it onto the gear shift.
"No," you say as you snatch his own wrist into your own hands now, holding it firmly.
His eyes watched as you continued to struggle to balance your body on the door comfortably. He had no idea what your endgame was here.
"You're fucking crazy."
"I love you, Touya," you desperately declare. "I'm in love with you. I know you're scared. I know you've been hurt before. I know you hate everything that's happening right now, but I can not let you leave like this." You try wiping your eye by rubbing it against your own shoulder, before looking back at him. "I won't force you to stay with me and I won't force you to share things you don't want to share, but I also won't let you run away without us properly talking things through. If we're gonna break up then I don't want to let it end with that as one of our regrets."
He hated that you weren't giving up on him so easily.
You were so calm and reasonable despite the humiliating position you were in. There was no anger or irritation in your voice, just sincerity and--
"That's very big of you," he mocks. "Trust me, it's better this way."
Your eyes study his face before you decide to take the plunge and vocalize the thoughts that had been swimming around in your head recently. "Is it better or is it just the easiest way to avoid your feelings of inadequacy and fear of rejection?"
You watch as his eyes widen a minuscule amount that likely would've gone unnoticed if you hadn't known him as well as you did. You could feel the flames of his rage from the way his expression darkens, his mouth opening to set you ablaze.
Your hands slip down from his wrist to hold his hand gently in yours, your thumbs resting on the back of his hand.
Your grip was loose. He could easily pull himself free if he wanted to, but he didn’t.
And that's all you needed.
"I've seen you be blunt beyond the point of just being rude to others and to yourself. You have standards that make it easy for you to look down on those who don't meet them yet even the ones that do fit them get pushed away. You easily say whatever's on your mind, unless what's on your mind risks leaving you vulnerable."
Your thumbs delicately draw circles into the dark marks on the back of his hand that were uniquely his. A sad smile mars your face as you continue to speak.
"I'm always watching you, always listening." Your eyes look up into his, persevering through his gaze that scorched anything he deemed a threat. "You'd rather be alone than feel alone."
You read him like an open book. A book he routinely burned whenever someone poked and prodded in a pathetic attempt to get closer to him. How had he let his fire get extinguished so easily? How did it not burn you like it did everyone else?
Like it burned him. Even he was unable to escape his own flames unscathed.
"I’m serious," he tears his eyes away from yours and lowers them to watch your hands. "You're wasting your time if you expect me to tell you what you want to hear."
You shook your head. "I'm not asking you to say it back. I don't need words when your actions mean more to me." You bring his knuckles to your lips, pressing a soft kiss. "Besides, if it's time you're worried about, I don't mind wasting it together."
His entire body reflexively aches to leave at your display of vulnerability, yet he can’t keep his eyes off of you. He stared back into your eyes with a confusing mix of fear and hope swirling in his gut. You were stupidly bold and despite that, your hands were still trembling with the fear of possibly losing him. Touya is scared, but he also wants this way more than he is afraid.
"So, you’re saying that all this time," he starts as he gathers his bearings, "you've been watching me? Like some kind of stalker?"
"Of course," you laugh. The movement set a jolt of pain to your abdomen that reminded you of your current position. "Can we go back inside and talk? My stomach hurts from hanging out in your car like this."
You hiss as you remove yourself from the car. It was definitely going to leave a mark. He waits until you move back onto the sidewalk before moving the car back into the parking space.
"I didn't tell you to jump through the window like some kind of maniac.” The car chirps as he locks it and stuffs the key into his pocket. “Seriously, what the hell is wrong with you?"
"Desperate times call for--"
"Dumb ass fucking measures?"
"Yes, precisely. Glad we're on the same page."
His eyes roll as he wrapped his arm around your shoulders, walking with you back to the apartment. "Masochist."
"Sadist."
"You know the door was unlocked, right?"
"Never let them know your next move."
"So, hang onto a moving vehicle like an idiot and hope you don't get run over?"
"I'll admit I'm not good under pressure." You open the door and remove your mismatched shoes. "Anyways," you continue as you shut the door behind you. "You liked it and thought it was super cool and hot when I was flailing around like an idiot."
"Yeah," he says genuinely, catching you off guard and nearly causing you to trip over the entryway step, but you caught yourself against his arm.
You look up at him with hopeful eyes. "Yeah?"
"Yeah," he repeats, his eyes staying on yours. "I did."
He pinches your cheek.
"C'mon," he says as he walks away from you and further into the apartment to take a seat on the couch. "Let's do the talking thing. We can watch a movie after or whatever..."
You couldn’t see his face as he said that, but you swore you heard his inflection sounding oddly shaky, making him sound uncharacteristically awkward for a moment. Was he feeling…. nervous? Shy, even? You can’t imagine he’s ever willingly had a conversation like this-- let alone been the one to start it.
The fact that he was the one trying to get the conversation started rather than avoiding it made your chest bloom with warmth. You expected him to come up with other things to do first in order to put off the awkward and uncomfortable feelings a bit longer.
You hop over to him with a blindingly bright grin, only sitting somewhat near him on the couch to give him some space for this conversation.
"So..." he started and you could hear something akin to timidity in his tone. "I'm shit at feelings."
You want to laugh at his honesty but didn't want to discourage him from speaking. "You’re not. You seem to feel things quite strongly. I think it’s more like you’d rather box them up and default to avoidancy.”
"Basically, I'm shit at feelings."
"If you say that one more time I am going to bite you."
"I'm shit at-- fuck!"
"You were warned."
“My fucking tit--"
"Not my fault it's so chewy."
"I'm shit at-- don't you bite me you fucking animal. Hear me out." He pinches your cheek again to stop your open mouth from it's impending attack. "I'm shit at this. I know I am. Don't… laugh."
Your eyes soften and you bring your hand up to cup the one he had squeezing your cheek. He releases his hold on your skin but you keep it held as you let it slide down to your lap.
"It might feel a bit awkward but I promise I won't think less of you for sharing your feelings. I appreciate that you've been trying."
"'Been trying?' I've done jack shit."
"No, you have." Your fingers draw more circles into the skin of his palm. "You came inside--"
"I always come inside," he smirked.
You bite him again.
"What? No complaint for me this time, Touya?"
"I deserved it."
"Masochist."
"Sadist."
Your lips purse for a moment as you try to remember where you left off.
"As I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted," you glare at him playfully, "You've already shown me that you're trying. You came back inside, initiated this talk, and you're participating, too. Emotional stuff is hard. I'm really proud of you."
He let out a 'tch' in jest, before leaning down to whisper into the side of your head. "In case you forgot, I was also listening to what you were saying while you tried playing leapfrog with my car."
"I didn't forget. I didn't want to include it since I was practically holding you hostage."
"Hostage?" He laughs haughtily, "If I really wanted to leave you I would've ran you over."
"Why is that strangely sweet..."
"'Cause you're a damn masochist. Get help."
The room was quiet as you held his hand. "I was really scared you were going to leave earlier, Touya. Like, for good."
With his head still leaning against yours, you could feel his jaw tightening.
"I was afraid that I scared you off by talking about-- about whatever menial domestic thing it was we were talking about before. I can't even remember what it was." You clutch his shirt without thinking as you struggle to remember what could've been the catalyst to losing the person you love forever.
"Toilet paper," he states after a pause. "Some sale at the store. You were talking about how we should go before the weekend so we could stock up. Then you mentioned wanting to buy me some strawberry ice cream."
Silence.
"It all sounded so permanent-- so easy to you." You could feel his body tense as he struggles to force himself to speak. "Seeing a future where we go grocery shopping for toilet paper and you buying me something that'll sit in the freezer waiting for me even when I'm not around. Something just for me." His last words were barely a whisper.
Your mouth felt dry. It made sense. He has a hard time staying in one place for too long, especially if it feels like he’s being smothered by expectations. Your apartment was no exception, even if he did spent more time here than at any other place.
"You're not special, sweetheart."
You felt a cold ache in your chest at the thought of his angry words from earlier.
You had already told yourself that they were just that-- angry words. If they were true, would he have bothered to come back at all? No. You knew Touya was good at lying and even better at emotional warfare. It's how he’s always protected himself. He hasn't done it to you since before the two of you were friends, back when you were just another random person trying too hard to get to know him. Today was the first time in years he had said something that made you to feel bad about yourself.
You need to talk about it with him later. Right now you want to hear him out so you shove the memory away for now. You can deal with it later.
As painful as it is to hear him talk about his internal struggle with having a place to call home, you really were grateful to him for trying. It was incredible just how far he's come already. You always knew he was a fast learner if he wanted to be and this meant so much to you. He’s never let himself get this vulnerable with you before.
You want to tell him something in response but why does it have to be now, of all times, that you were having a difficult time finding the words to speak?
The frustration of it brought a familiar stinging sensation to your eyes and you force yourself to swallow the lump in your throat for the second time today, nodding at him in encouragement as he spoke. You don’t want to cry and risk him getting cold feet about the feelings thing. You don’t want him to think this was a mistake and that you couldn’t handle the truth, because you can.
You quietly clear your throat and with a hoarse voice say, "I can see how that would have caused you to react that w-way."
You mentally curse yourself for the way your voice broke pathetically. You knew he got flighty over things like that but in the moment you just weren't thinking.
"Hey, don't wimp out on me now." He pinched at your cheek again. "If I'm gonna bare my damn soul or whatever the hell, you sure as shit better not hold out on me. If you gotta get weepy, then get weepy. I'll save the laughing for later."
Your lips tremble at his words and you feel your face crumple as you bury it into his chest and wept.
"I thought I lost you, Touya."
He stares down at you, committing the sight to memory.
His carelessness did this.
He pulls you in closer to him, breathing you in as your body shook with sobs. When you eventually calm down, you apologize for turning his shirt into a tissue.
"This is so embarrassing," you say through a stuffy nose.
He took in the sight of your puffy eyes and runny nose, before looking away. "S'whatever. I know you, too, you know. That thing you said earlier? About you always watching and listening? I do the same shit with you. If being a crybaby helps, then do it unless you wanna be shit at feelings, too."
"We're both not so great at handling our own feelings, huh?"
"In my case, that’s an understatement."
As self-deprecating as it was, it’s a good sign that he was able to acknowledge things like that about himself out loud. You reach up to cup his cheek and kiss the corner of his mouth. "You're doing so well, Touya."
The way your thumb gently rubs the pale skin of his cheek while you look up at him with honey in your eyes makes his chest ache.
"You--" the apple of his throat bobs as he holds your gaze, "think so?"
You nodded and leaned in to press another kiss on his lips. "I know so."
He was feeling that familiar urge to run away when shit got too personal, but he yearned for more of the warmth you offered to his cold, pathetic existence.
"I can't promise to always be better. I'll fuck up. I know it.” You could see it the unspoken words in his eyes. “Don't give up on me."
Sharing feelings really was embarrassing, painfully so. At least, that's what he told himself in order to explain why he had a hard time to saying the words out loud. His hand moves to your thigh and squeezes it, "I don't want to fuck this up, but I will and when I do I'll need time to get my head out of my ass."
You were feeling emotional again seeing how desperately he tried to let you know that he wasn't going to always be good at the communication part of your relationship. He wanted to get better. He’s trying and you need him to know that you were here for him.
"I'll sit in the freezer waiting for you."
"I-- What? The hell?"
You laugh softly at his dumbfounded expression. "Don't worry about having to rush the process. I'll be the ice cream sitting in the freezer waiting for you. I believe in you, Touya."
"You have low iron. The freezer would kill you."
"I'll be fine 'cause you're always warm."
He once again feels that ache in his chest that he usually felt around you. "Wait too long and you'll get freezer burn."
"Are you saying a little freezer burn would keep you from eating your favourite ice cream?" You paused when you noticed his amused expression. "Okay, I walked myself into that one."
"Yeah," the corner of his lip twitched as his eyes darkened. "You did."
"Hey, I know that look. We should finish talking first-- T-Touya!"
He had grabbed your legs to put you flat on your back against the couch. He was currently crawling over you.
"Don't you wanna reward me for doing so well?" He asks in a low voice. You whimper at the sight of his heavily lidded eyes looking down at you, pleased with your flustered face.
"W-Well, positive reinforcement is a good way of encouraging good behavior, so yes--"
He expertly rolls his hips against you, making you gasp. "I'm feeling pretty encouraged right now. Bet you can feel it, too."
You could definitely feel it.
He kisses you as he removes your bottoms, pushing your knees against your torso as far back as he knew you could comfortably take, exposing the entirety of you in your underwear.
"I swear," he licks a slow stripe against the fabric before pushing it to the side and staring hungrily at your flesh, "on my god damn dick that we'll keep talking. Right after I make you come four times."
"F-Four?" You can feel his thumb teasing you as he swipes it up and down. You twitch.
"Five now," his lips wrap around your throbbing sweet spot. He sucked while rubbing his tongue against it at the same time, making your body shudder.
Touya wasn’t good at saying sorry, but he knew he could at least make you feel good after making you cry so much today.
Your hips buck against his face, then his fingers.
"So fucking eager after all that talking, hm?" He gives you a lopsided grin as he licks the taste of you left behind on his lips. "Yeah, we're definitely talking more often."
He soaks his fingers with the bottle of lube he liked leaving between the seat cushions for times like these. You feel one of his slick fingers tease your tight hole.
"Tell me who fucks you better than me."
"N-No one."
"Weak shit. Try again."
"You're the only one who can fuck me t-this well!"
He slowly presses his finger in, the stretch making you whine. He takes his time prepping you before inserting another finger and moving it in and out of you in slow even strokes. His tongue laps at you as he works his hand faster, reaching the pace that drives you wild. You cry out praises for him, which he likes almost as much as he likes fucking you to tears.
"And who does this hole belong to? Who owns the rest of this pretty body?"
"Y-You do, it's yours, Touya! It's all yours for you to use as you please!"
You feel your legs trembling as he kept his hands busy fucking you. The coil inside of you was tightening as he vigorously pumped and sucked you.
"T-Touya..!" You voice was breaking.
He smirks, feeling satisfied at how fervently your hips buck against him. You were a needy mess and he hasn't even stretched you with his fat cock yet.
Soon.
"It's mine. You're all fucking mine." His head dives back in and you feel yourself on the precipice of--
"You're not special sweetheart."
You shake your head and look down at him right as he looks up at you. He sucks you hard, making your back arch. You were so close.
You stare through half lidded eyes, throat already sore from the sounds he easily pulled from you. You tried to focus on the view of him pleasuring you with expertise. Your was mouth open as you shut your eyes and lean your head back against the couch. You were so, so close.
"Afraid of what, huh? That I'll actually start to see you as more than a hole I use to get my rocks off? You think I won’t ditch you like all the others? You're not special, sweetheart.”
You grit your teeth.
Now was not the time for this.
You shut your eyes and force the memory away from the forefront of your mind. It doesn't matter right now, you'll tell him how you feel about it later.
Now wasn't the time.
Later.
Later.
...
"Fuck!!" You feel Touya pull his body away from you.
You open your eyes to the blurry sight of Touya, who has moved from in between your legs to kneeling on the floor beside where you laid on the couch. You blink your eyes and wipe them with your hands. Oh.
You’re crying again.
The realization seems to bring more tears and you look up at Touya who stares down at you with fear in his eyes.
"Maybe someday you'll find someone who wants to deal with this shit, but it's not gonna be me."
"Hey--" his voice cracks when he says your name and you sob into your hands. A sinking feeling had found it's place in the pit of his stomach. "I didn't hear the safe word. I’m so--"
"T-That's not it." Your voice is muffled by your hands and your stuffed nose as you continued to cry. "It was consensual the w-whole time."
He looks at you confused. Relieved that he hadn't hurt you in that way, but stressed since he didn't know what he did to make you suddenly react that way. His insides burn with anxiety and it made him feel restless. He grabs your throw blanket from the backrest of the couch and pulls it over you, which you use to hide your sloppy face as you try to calm yourself down.
"Touya," you whimper and he’s frozen with fear.
It was him.
"Tell me what I did." He knew he'd fuck up. He just didn't think it'd be this soon.
You don’t want to hurt him. You want to protect him but how can you protect him from the very words he spat at you in a desperate rage? Not speaking up about your own feelings fully and pushing them aside for someone else's sake is how you got here in the first place.
You need to practice what you preached.
"I haven't been able to stop thinking about what you said to me."
The parking lot. He already knew. He hated himself when he said those things and he hates himself now.
He knew it was only a matter of time until he ruined things with you.
You see him take his phone out of his pocket before standing up and walking across the living room, away from you.
"I'll text Toga to come by. I'll stay until then."
"Don't go."
"I shouldn't be here."
"Because you hurt my feelings?"
"Yes!" He snaps. "This isn't masochism, it's straight up fucking delusional if you can't see the problem with me staying."
"You hurt my feelings," you sniffle. "It's going hurt whether or not you leave. Stay and talk with me about it."
"This talking shit clearly isn't working. One second you're telling me I fuck you the best then suddenly you're crying in the next. We already know how this ends, so quit wasting your time."
"If you leave then we will know how this ends." You sit up on the couch, clutching the soft blanket like a lifeline. Your voice is firm, but not enough to cover your soft determination. "You're hurt and so am I. So, sit with me instead of running away. Leaving things the way they are now is the sure-fire way to ruin this."
Touya doesn’t move.
"What happened just now wasn't your fault. It was mine--"
"You're not the one who said all that nasty shit to the person you--" He glares holes into an innocent plant. "It's over. We're not even fucking dating and it's over. I already ruined whatever we could've had before it even started." He runs a hand through his hair and laughed.
"You did say horrible things, but I kept brushing off my feelings." The sound of your feet padding against the floor behind him made him stiffen. You move to stand in front of him with your arms loosely crossed on your chest. "How are you supposed to know that stuff was still bothering me? It's not like you can read my mind."
"Don't be fucking dense."
"I seem to recall us wanting to work things out."
"Before I realized I traumatized you by saying a bunch of shit!"
"You didn't traumatize me, you hurt my feelings. There's a difference."
"You know the reason you had 'feelings left unsaid' is 'cause I basically mounted you before you could finish saying them, right?"
"No, that's not true and don't demonize yourself like that." You reach for his hand that’s balled into a fist at his side. He pulls it, and himself, away from you.
He isn't worthy of your compassion.
You frowned but you won’t let it deter you. "I said it was okay --and before you say anything-- I wasn't coerced into it, either."
His eye twitches. You already knew what he was going to say before he had even said it.
"You tease and mock, but you've shown me time and time again that you respect me and my body. If I didn’t want to do anything, I know you would've let it go and let me talk about my feelings instead. You didn't take advantage of me. I disrespected myself by not prioritizing my own feelings. That's what the main issue is here."
"You said you couldn't stop thinking about what I said. It's my fault, they were my shitty fucking words."
"I'm not trying to say your words weren't a part of it, they definitely were, but I know you were just... saying what you could to put distance in between us."
He sneers, "Is that what you're telling yourself? Doesn't matter why I said it. Intentional or not, lies or not: it still fucking hurt you." His lips curl bitterly as remorse stained the cool blue of his eyes. "It'll be all you think of when you see me from now on."
You take a small step towards him, careful not to invade his personal space but enough to momentarily satisfy your need for physical closeness.
"I won't lie..." You start.
Touya knows you’ve never lied to him. Your stupidly sincere approach to interactions with him were probably what got him wrapped around your finger in the first place.
He did wonder if you’ve ever lied to yourself about him, though. It'd explain why you let him stick around even while knowing he was a jackass.
He also recognized there wasn't any actual weight to that line of thinking. If anything, the times where your feelings felt real outweighed those paranoid thoughts of his. Sometimes he'd catch you looking at him. The honey dripping from your eyes at him doing fuck all felt so raw that he'd panic and have to leave for a while.
Whenever you smiled at him, even the soft little ones, you beamed bright enough to burn him to cinders if he let it. Lately, he had found himself simmering under your heat longer and longer, letting himself get singed by you.
Seeing you fidget with the hem of your top snaps him out of his thoughts. You’re still in your underwear and it reminds him that he'd burned you. Not with the heat of patience and kindness that you regularly thawed him with, but with flames full of his own agonizingly self-sabotaging wrath.
"I won't lie," you repeat after taking a couple of seconds to gather your thoughts. "I'll probably always think about what you said."
He already knew it yet it still fanned fires of self-loathing brewing within him.
"The same way you'll probably always think about it, too."
You sweet, merciful, stupid fucking angel.
"Stop."
"No. You need to hear this."
"Just fucking stop."
"Don't interrupt me, Touya."
He glares at you in irritation as he clenches and unclenches his hands in an attempt to keep himself grounded. Mentally and literally. If he runs away now, you wouldn't be able to share your thoughts. He owes you that and so much more.
"It's something that effected us both and it'll likely change the way we are together, but we don't have to let it change us for the worse. We can use our hurt to help us grow." You say while looking at him hopefully. "We won't forget it happened and we shouldn't."
"We need to end this before you get hurt again."
"I am going to get hurt again. By you, myself, or some other thing. It's what happens as we live and grow. The difference is learning from it. This is our 'before', and if you let us, we can work on moving on towards our 'after'."
"You know how ridiculously optimistic that sounds, right? Stupidly sappy, too. You really think it's as simple as that?"
"Can I hold your hand?"
He blinks at the randomness of the question but nevertheless gives you a small nod. You take ahold of it with the both of your own.
"We both know it won't be simple. We both have baggage and hurt we need to address if we want to be something. It's going to be really hard. If you stay I know that we'll both put in the work to reach our 'after' and every 'after' after that."
He stays silent as he takes in your words. You really see--
"--Lots of 'after's, huh?" He quietly spoke as he tried to drown out his nerves with a teasing tone.
"Lots of 'after's. I am your ice cream sitting in the freezer, remember?"
He'd scoff if he didn’t just get the wind knocked out of his lungs.
You raise his hand to your lips before pressing a little kiss on the scars on the back of his hand and tug it gently for him to follow back to the couch.
"I'm not eating freezer burnt ice cream."
"Hey! That's so mean…" you pout. "And wasteful. You're way too picky of an eater. No wonder you're always grumpy."
"I'm fucking with you."
"Oh, I know. I'm fucking with you, too."
"Sadist..." He affectionately plays with the shell of your ear while resting his cheek on the top of your head. The gesture fills you with elation and the two of you sit in comfortable silence.
"Look, I'm..." he starts, struggling with his words.
"I know."
"I shouldn't-- I shouldn't have said those things earlier."
"I know."
"You didn't deserve it," his voice is softer.
"I know," you wrap your arms around his firm torso, hugging him tightly.
"You're clingy. What're you thinking? Don't skimp out on me again, I wanna hear all the ugly shit, too." He lightly pinches at your cheek, "This shit ain't gonna work if it's one-sided. Start talking."
You smile as he presses his lips to your forehead.
-> safe for work // 1,633 words // AO3.
-> warnings: smoking, swearing, cheesy, dabi has an avoidant attachment style, self-harm mention but nothing happens.
summary: He wanted this conversation to be over and done with, snuffed out like a cigarette under his boot. It'd be easy enough to end it himself, all he had to do was be an asshole and leave you behind. Nothing he hadn't done before.
"Knock knock, mind if I join you?"
"Yes."
"I brought cake."
He turned his head slightly towards you, eyeing the paper plate in your hands. In it sat a pretty little slice of glazed strawberry cake with a plastic fork stabbed into it. You had made sure to pile on a bunch of strawberries, just for him.
You may have been the newest addition to the League of Villains, but it wasn't hard to figure out that he was intentionally a loner. Criminals were usually careful not to form close connections with others and the League was no exception. That didn't stop you from being on friendly terms with the other members. They even threw a birthday party for you tonight. With karaoke.
Whereas, Dabi evacuated the mansion at the first sign of a celebration. He rose from his chair when Toga and Twice carried out the cake hidden under a mountain of candles and he was out of the building by the time Mr. Compress enthusiastically joined in on their vocals with a harmonization.
His eyes glanced down at you as he blew smoke out of the side of his mouth and flicked his cigarette away. You frowned.
"That could start a forest fire."
"I could start a forest fire." There was a subtle twitch of his lip that would have went unnoticed had the clouds not cleared from in front of the moon in time.
You offered him the cake, which he took wordlessly, ignoring you as you snuffed out his cigarette. Once no longer lit, you shoved it in your pocket to properly dispose of later. You crossed your arms and leaned against the tree, staring out at the umbrous silhouettes of the night-time forest.
"Being this far out from the city is so nice. Fresh air, no noise pollution. Bunch of stars."
"There's noise pollution," Dabi swallowed down a strawberry. "Y'make it every time you open that dumb mouth."
You snorted in amusement. "You know you'd miss it if I stopped talking to you."
"If I never have to hear you yappin' at me again, it'd be too soon."
You playfully blew a raspberry at him in fake-annoyance. "You'd have to find someone else to bug you." You pursed your lips. "He's already got Toga, but I'm sure Twice could squeeze in a second best friend," you teased.
He rolled his eyes as he took another bite.
"Spinner?"
"The hell am I gonna talk about with that lizard?"
"First of all, it's a gecko quirk and you know that so don't be mean," you declared in defense of your comrade. "Though, you're right -- what would you talk about..? I assume that also means no Tomura, then? I don't think I've ever seen you guys talk casually before -- aside from the dryest conversation about the weather… Maybe if we find some common ground between you two--"
"Fuck no."
"Aww, hey, he's not that bad. He's just…"
You rubbed at your neck unsure of what to say. Nothing you could say would change his thoughts on the matter. You weren't particularly close with Shigaraki, he had his own way of going about things which could be off-putting to most, but he just struck you as an awkward person who grew up without much social contact.
"The League sure is full of lonely people, huh?" You looked back up at the star-filled night for a few minutes, the both of you settling into a comfortable silence. An owl hooted in the distance as a cricket began to chirp from somewhere nearby. "I've always wondered if shooting stars ever got lonely."
He raised a disinterested brow at you as he chewed on another strawberry.
"Sorry," you shook your head and laughed in embarrassment. "I like stars. Do you?"
"Stupid question."
You wondered if it really was that stupid. Stars must seem miniscule to someone capable of burning as brightly as him. You leaned your head against the trunk and watched him finish his cake.
Earlier in the day, while writing down a list of necessary ingredients to bake and decorate the cake, there had been a conversation about birthdays. You couldn't remember who exactly brought up the topic, but you certainly weren't expecting the other members to easily give away that information. Unsurprisingly, Dabi was the only one that didn't share his.
He followed a gust of wind that swept through the night and as he passed you he flicked his plastic fork at you. You clumsily caught it and complained, only earning his indifference in return. He turned his back to you and set the paper plate ablaze. You opened your mouth to remind him of trashcans and how they still exist, but the words died in your throat as you watched the smoke get carried away by the breeze, away from you.
You were secretly grateful that he was too busy making his way to an adjacent tree to notice you bite back a smile.
"Dabi."
"What is it now?" He leaned against his new tree and lazily shoved his hands in his pockets. He was always good at keeping his distance.
"You don't have to tell me your birthday."
He scoffed, "Way to state the obvious."
"We can share mine."
He narrowed his eyes at you, analyzing you for any sign of a punchline but your face was earnest. Annoyingly so.
"What makes you think I want your dumb-ass birthday?"
"It's not that I think you want it, but wouldn't it be nice to have a day to celebrate… you?"
"What's there to celebrate," he sneered.
He didn't mean for it to be taken so seriously, but the dopey look of concern on your face made him regret he said anything. Your brows furrowed.
"A lot. There's a lot to celebrate."
"Don't get all mushy, you're creepin' me out."
"Am I?"
"Yes," he growled. He wanted this conversation to be over and done with, snuffed out like a cigarette under his boot. It'd be easy enough to end it himself. All he had to do was be an asshole and leave you behind. Nothing he hadn't done before.
Deep, deep down there was a hungry part of him that ached. It belonged to the part of him that he had refused to acknowledge for the past seven years. He continued to ignore it's existence despite it being the very thing that kept him rooted in place, as though he were one of the trees in this giant fucking forest. The frustration it filled his chest with made him want to light himself on fire.
"At the expense of sounding like a creep…" You chewed on your bottom lip as you stared back up at the stars. Your fingers fiddled with a loose thread on your clothes. You were so easy to read.
"I'm really glad you're here."
Another breeze passed between the two of you, carrying your words along and rustling leaves. You looked over at him with eyes that overflowed with a depth of sincerity that made him want to start a wildfire and let himself get caught in it. He felt physically ill.
"You're gonna make me sick."
One of Dabi's eyes squinted more than the other as his tongue poked out of his mouth enough for you to see his tongue piercings. You would've thought it was cute the way his face scrunched in disgust if you didn't feel so offended right now.
You huffed and stared at the grass as you tried to ignore the heat that crept up to your cheeks. "Was it really that bad?"
"Cheesy as hell. Keep that shit to yourself."
You shook it off and sighed exaggeratedly. "Well, since you seemed to like it so much, I might have to do it again for you some time." You stuck your tongue out at him playfully.
"Don't you fuckin' dare or I'll roast you on the spot."
You grinned and opened your mouth to shoot him a lighthearted retort when you heard your name being called in the distance. You turned to look around the tree and saw Toga waving you over for your turn at karaoke. You waved back at the younger girl in acknowledgement before she hopped back inside the mansion.
"I'm surprised they managed to pry the mic out of Mr.'s hands long enough to give someone else a turn," you laughed. "See you later. I'm glad you liked the cake."
"Yeah, yeah."
He pulled out a pack of smokes from his jacket and stuck a cigarette in between his lips. He lit it and watched as you fiddled with the plastic fork he flicked at you earlier. "What're you still doing here for?"
You smiled at him.
"Happy birthday."
"Tch, cheesy," he spoke humorlessly as you turned away. "By the way..."
You looked back at him and felt your face burning up as you saw his gaze drop from your eyes down to your lips.
"…Dabi?"
He smirked.
"Y'got cake on your face."
You blinked a few times as you processed his words before swiping your mouth. You looked at your hand to see the vivid scarlet of the strawberry glaze.
"Oh." You looked at it for a moment before wiping it against your clothes and giving an awkward laugh, "Um, thanks."
"You got a room full of ears to make bleed, mine've had enough. Get outta here."
You laughed before you jogged back to the mansion. He stared at the ground where you previously stood and took a drag of the cigarette. With each inhale, the toxins purged his body of a restlessness that had been stirred by the zephyr of your words.
You talk too much.
He looked up in time to see you wave goodbye at him before you disappeared inside. He breathed in another lungful of fumes before exhaling it up at the same sky that always seemed to captivate you.
