Road to Recovery is a Road to Self-Love

My name is Noah I am 31 years old and I am learning to accept myself Clean Date: January 16,2023

[spread-your-wings-love]

Dear lovely human beings,

I am feeling so grateful and thats kind of all I have to say right now and also I think 31 years old is going to be a great year for me.

[spread-your-wings-love]

Dear insomniacs that are human beings,

I am feeling so grateful for being here despite the panic attacks and the midnight tears I am currently experiencing as I become overwhelmed by the idea that my life forever will be marked with daily hallucinations. Sometimes when I think about it I feel strong because I know that I can handle them because I am resilient. On other nights like tonight I feel overwhelmed by the fact I have to surrender on a daily basis and that I know that I will always have them. Tonight was particularly difficult because not only was I having hallucinations I have been having intense pain from my gums and the combination of physical pain and mental stress was to much and as I was laying in bed I just started to fall apart. All I want is a small break from the constant noise in my head that beats me down. I am so tired but I know I have to keep fighting because days are never all bad in my mind days are broken down into both positives and challenges and that is what keeps me fighting. So tonight with the tears, snot and panic I can say that I am proud of where I am at and I am proud that I can still say even after a difficult night that I am not only resilient but I am cared for, loved and believed in by those I hold close to me who have seen me through the worst times and the best.

[spread-your-wings-love]

Dear loved human beings,

I hope that you are having an amazing day today and if its evening where you are I hope you are also having a beautiful evening. I am just posting these because sometimes I just love to post random photos from my phone. So everyone knows on the left side here we have Chava who loves cuddling and basking in the sun, in the middle we have a penguin pen that my best friend got me because we have a whole inside joke about penguins (I am not going to explain it because it won’t make any sense what so ever) that I think is hilarious, and then last but not least on the right side we have a very cute cat who is not mine but she let me get pretty close before running for the hills. Today I just wanted to share those because I am having a very lighthearted day despite some moments of frustration towards my health and how it limited the amount of time my mom and I could spend at an event we have really been looking forward to go to and that we where having a lot of fun at before I started to experience symptoms and we had to leave. I will do a short update on my health tomorrow because its becoming a struggle and it is starting to get in the way of doing things I love. I know that it sounds intense but I just wanted to say even in moments of great joy that I am also capable of acknowledging that there is confusion and frustration but those two emotions will never out last the true beauty of the day.

[spread-your-wings-love]

Dear inspirational human beings,

Thank you for showing up when I have really needed to have a shoulder to lean on and teaching me that emoting is not unsafe like my mind tells me it is. By being open and authentic I have been able to grow in so many ways. One of the biggest changes I have seen since I have embraced what it means to be a human being is that no matter what I go through there will always be the couple of people in my life that will stand by my side and walk with me through those times that I find it so very difficult to step out into the world. Being able to express myself in so many ways gives me such peace of mind especially for the fact that I can use my voice through writing to hopefully be inspiring to someone to keep going. For me in the next couple of days I will be celebrating my birthday and I could not be more grateful for the fact that not only am I turning another year but I have completed the promise my old therapist had me promise and that was to make it past 30 years old. I was talking to my mom earlier and she said that my support system including my therapist at the time did not believe that I would make it to 30 years old so to be able to say I not only made it to 30 but I almost am 31 and that’s something that I am so grateful for. So now as my birthday comes closer the more excited I feel to be able to embrace what it means to follow through with the promise I made. I talked to my mom yesterday about how my past therapist had me promise to make it to 30 and my mom agreed and told me that they did not think that I was going to make it at the rate I was in my addiction where I had come to a place where I was not only using on a daily basis but I was over dosing on a daily basis but I could not acknowledge it so I would say I just fell asleep but with my drug of choice there was no such thing as just falling asleep it was either staying awake for long periods of time or it was using and passing out right after. So to say I am grateful to be where I am at in life in the present moment with 1250 days clean, winning my long term disability case, and working on embracing the love life has to offer. I will leave it with this don’t forget that small steps overtime make a great amount of progress especially in the world of recovery.

[spread-your-wings-love]

Dear grounded human beings,

I am feeling really grateful from where I am in my life right now and that feels so very strange to me. I will be turning 31 in the next week and this is the first time I have not been dreading my birthday. Between ages 17 and 23 I spent my birthday in eating disorder treatment and the years between my last time in treatment and January 16th,2023 I was in full blown addiction to my drug of choice and so when I say I am happy what I really mean is that I am ecstatic because not only am I eating disorder behavior free but I am 1249 days clean today. I have finally also come to the place where I feel like my age. I still have trouble with feeling like other people my age are in different places in their life like getting masters degrees, getting married and having kids when my story has been a little bit different, instead of learning and gaining a masters degree in an academic setting I have learned how to embrace myself in love and compassion, I have learned that recovery from both my eating disorder and substance abuse that I need people to stand next to me, that I need to focus on telling myself that I am doing great as I make steps forward towards a life that is beautiful because its authentic, and that I am finally embracing what it means to not only being a survivor but also being a human being that is thriving. So as I turn 31 I am actually feeling so excited because despite the struggles and positives that have come up in the past year I am grateful for being able to see the positives more clearly then the challenges. I am so grateful is all I can really say right now and that gives me so much peace.

[spread-your-wings-love]

Dear dog loving human beings,

Good morning I am excited to announce that Chava my emotional support animal and fur baby now has a Tumblr of her own where she will post about what her life is like and random photos of her and quotes that she and I love. So if you are interested in following us go to littlelegsbigheart. Chava hopes you will check it out even if you don’t follow her. She just wants to give the world a peaceful place to land when things feel so chaotic.

[spread-your-wings-love]

Dear strong human beings,

Today has been a much better day, the hallucinations are not as bad and the PTSD symptoms are not constant in my brain this morning like it has been for the past couple of months. So my plan for the day is to do some writing that I want to share in my therapy session tomorrow because I know that keeping things inside and not talking or writing about it will cause me more pain then actually making the decision to jump into the deep end. I know that I am ready to jump into the deep end because once I make that decision I already feel like I am allowing myself to give myself compassion and love for being brave to bring up the struggles with PTSD I have been experiencing lately. So here is a toast to jumping into the deep end by being compassionate, loving, and engaging in searching for peace of mind.

[spread-your-wings-love]

Dear lovely human beings,

Sunday morning vibes but on a Wednesday includes Chava, Rumi, and a breakfast so beautiful you almost don’t want to eat it.

[spread-your-wings-love]

Dear silly human beings,

So my therapist has this phrase she uses when I am doing things that I am not supposed to be doing for example drinking caffeine ( my cardiologist has said that I can not have any caffeine do to tachycardia thats currently being managed by a pill to lower my heart rate). So when I tell her about the fact I am still struggling to not drink caffeine or any other fluids except for water my therapist calls me a silly goose. So today I thought I would share that because it makes me laugh each time she saids it. Also here is a photo of Chava who also can be a very big silly goose. Thats one of the reasons I love her so much because when she is being a silly goose it makes me laugh and remember how laughter and lightheartedness are both forms of medicine. Remembering that helps me take some of the stressful things in my mind and put them away for a bit and instead embrace the healing experiences of laughter and peace of mind.

[spread-your-wings-love]

Dear creative human beings,

This past weekend was a mixed bag of things but at the end of the day I was able to spend time with loved ones, I went on a walk with my mom, and before cleaning my room I took time to cuddle and spending time with Chava (My ESA and fur baby). I also have noticed that I am not writing as much as I was so I am going to give myself space to focus on my writing out side of just answering the daily journal prompts for June. Each month I find a list of questions for the month on Pinterest and just the feeling of completing them makes me happy but I also love that they use a different part of my brain and allows me to explore my own mind. Also I am so excited that its June! It’s one of my best friends birthday month, it’s Father’s Day so my mom and I will celebrate by doing something fun like going out to eat and a walk because this is my third year being no contact with my dad and his partner but for some reason its been hitting me a little harder then it did last year. Also though the day after Father’s Day just happens to be my birthday and everyone keeps telling me that they are very excited for one of my gifts but I am just excited that I get to spend time with my loved ones. My brother and his family moved up north recently so he won’t be there physically to celebrate but I really hope that he FaceTimes so I can see my nephews because that would be the best gift ever. I am also planing on continuing to money in my savings account my my sixth tattoo I just can’t wait. So there is a lot of things going on which is why I have struggled to post on a daily basis but don’t worry I am still here typing my thoughts out onto “ paper” and it brings me joy because I know that I am hopefully showing another strong human being that they can heal and learn to start tolerating them selves and even get to a point where they can learn to love themselves.

Also side note: The sticker that states “The universe is absurd” my mom found in the parking lot as we where leaving breakfast and she gave it to me because I have a sticker addiction and so we where not sure if it would have the sticky part on the back but once I got home I realized that this sticker has been run over so many times and it still had its sticky side and the sticker itself did not have anything wrong with it so now it has a place on the front over of my journal. 😊

[spread-your-wings-love]

Dear remarkable human beings,

So recently I have been having some pretty intense auditory and visual hallucinations. Like I am use to them at this point but last night was a very scary moment of voices and visual hallucinations. Now these types of hallucinations are not knew to me I hear and see things every day. Usually during the day its just auditory hallucinations and then at night the auditory hallucinations are still present but at night is when the visual hallucinations happen. So last night I took my nighttime medication so I went and layed down to go to bed when all of a sudden there is a sound like the squeaker in a dog toy and then the scary part I don’t recall what the little girl said but I heard loud and clear a little girl about the age of ten say something which i cant remember (thank you short term memory loss) and then I started to see a black blur like the height of a little girl and she would run out of my closet again and again. I just needed to share this because I know sometimes I feel alone having my diagnosis so I just wanted to post so maybe if one person sees this that they don’t continue to feel alone. So if you are out there I see you and you are so strong. I just want to end this by saying that everyone is battling their own things but just because we might struggle with different things does not mean we can’t come together to help each other.

Also here are a couple of pictures of Chava my emotional support animal and fur child.

[spread-your-wings-love]

Dear powerful human beings,

I had therapy today and one thing we talked a lot about was how I have been engaging in self harm through abusing coffee. My therapist considers it a form of self-harm because I have an issue with my heart where its in constant state of tachycardia to the point I am on medication to help lower my heart rate. So as much as I hate making this decision but I have to in order to take care of myself and my physical wellbeing I am going to start tomorrow going without coffee. I am not looking forward to doing this but I know its whats best for me and because of this I know that I am acting from a place of respect towards my body and another one of my values which would be keeping my health a priority both mental and physical health. So not only am I staying accountable with those safe people who are around me but I thought that I would extend my accountability to the people here as well. So again thank you for staying on this journey with me as I learn to love myself in all its forms and by respecting myself, body, and mind.

[spread-your-wings-love]

Dear brave human beings,

Recently I have been writing a lot and its been so helpful in allowing me to grow some more in my healing journey. Writing has always been my favorite coping mechanism since I was introduced to the idea my first out of many stays in eating disorder treatment. The one thing that I can say thank you for to the staff is thank you for the gift that has kept me on my healing journey even when I was having a difficult time. To me writing has also been something I lost the ability to do for years due to the traumatic brain injury I experienced in July of 2019 because I did not go to a party with a man who made it very clear that I had made the wrong choice. That choice was going to work and spending time at the beach with my coworkers that i called friends instead of going with this man to a party. I am choosing to not say who was throwing the party he went to but I made the best decision at the time without knowing that decision would change the trajectory of my life. So due to the TBI I lost the ability to write and it has taken years to get me to a place where I am writing like I had or even more then the past and I can’t express the gratitude I have towards my younger self and their/her resilience when things got hard and I could not see a way out. I am so grateful that I continued to fight because if I did not fight for myself and fight for relearning how to express myself through writing without judgement I would never be where I am today. So just thank you for joining me on this journey of life. I know I have not posted a lot but it means the world to me when even one person interacts with my posts because this is truly one of the ways that I have created a safe space for myself to be messy and not always perfect. A quote from a well known Buddhist monk called Thich Nhat Hanh who said “ No mud no lotus.” has given me hope that no matter what I have gone through and no matter what I go through in the future that in this moment I can feel grateful for the mud because that has created my lotus.

[spread-your-wings-love]

Dear beautiful human beings,

I am so grateful that I had the chance to see P!NK in concert with my best friend and that I was able to fight my anxiety about being around so many people. Music has always been a huge part of my life but ever since I started to experience symptoms of schizoaffective disorder music has been a really big part of my coping mechanisms because listening to music can sometimes cause the auditory hallucinations to be close to quiet or for example being in a concert setting they have been almost completely gone. I am so grateful for music and how it has really helped me stay strong and focused on the things that are going well. I am also grateful to have people in my life that understand what its like to experience the same symptoms so I don’t have to explain what I am going through. Also thank you for reading another post about the concert I just feel so grateful that I have a place I can come and speak my mind.

[spread-your-wings-love]

Dear strong human beings,

Last night I got to go see P!NK with one of my best friends and it was amazing. The last concert I went to was Lewis Capaldi last weekend with my mom and that venue was significantly smaller then the stadium my friend and I where at to see P!NK and at first I was okay but as the show started I started to feel a little overwhelmed because the music was so loud and in combination with the stage lights being so bright I quickly got to a point where I was contemplating leaving so instead of leaving I told my friend that I was having a difficult time because I was feeling really on edge because I was also having symptoms of auditory hallucinations so once my anxiety came up fast I wrote out a text and gave her my phone so she could see it. I told her that I did not know how much longer I could last so we walked out of where we where seated and just slowly walked down the ramps stopping at each level to listen to the encores that she was performing and then we just walked to where my mom was parked and once i got in the car with my emotional support family member Chava I started to feel better. I am feeling proud though because I was able to stay long enough for encores but in a way that I felt comfortable. I am also feeling grateful for my friend because she kept checking in with me and when her anxiety started I was able to do the same for her. So yes it was overwhelming but it was also so much fun and it was so exciting. For the next time I know that I will be picking seats lower then where we where but I also really loved our seats because we where center stage and high enough to see everything which was amazing. I am so grateful for being able to go, i am grateful for my mom for driving my friend and I with the dog in the car since it would be to long for Chava to be alone, I am also grateful that Chava was with us because I was able to engage in staying present by sitting in the backseat with her and my friend on the other side so we both where able to pet her, last but not least I am grateful for my friend who gets me and I get her so we both knew that we where coming to a place where it was to overwhelming. So here are some photos I hope you like them.

[spread-your-wings-love]

Dear strong human beings,

I know that I have not been on lately but I just want to let you know that I am okay its just life got busy but now its slowing down and I am grateful for that. I am also grateful to say that I have been having a lot of fun recently. Last Saturday I took my mom and I to see Lewis Capaldi at the Hollywood Bowl and it was an amazing evening of humor and music. Listening to music has been a huge part of trying to cope with my mental health and being able to see someone who’s music has given me hope is something I really appreciate. I never once thought I would be able to see him in person and sing along to all the songs because for months his music is all I listened to so by the time this past Saturday came around I knew all the songs and felt all the emotions that came with seeing someone who I am inspired by. He struggles with his own mental health and the concert I attended was the first concert in the US that he had performed since he took a one year break to focus on coping with Tourettes Syndrome.The way he talks about his mental health is something that really inspires me because due to my most recent diagnosis I have felt a lot of judgement towards myself but hearing him acknowledge his mental health was another reason I found the night so magical.

[spread-your-wings-love]

Dear exquisite human beings,

Today I gave myself permission to rest reminding me that even though I have to deal with schizoaffective disorder type depression I can give myself compassion especially when I find myself starting to argue with the voices in my head about their disgusting, disturbing and disregulating content but I also know thats what fuels the negative voices in my head so by talking back and becoming more aggravated it increases the symptoms that I hate the most and that is a hard pill to swallow. So this evening instead of talking back I will embrace the peace of mind I am capable of receiving as I struggle to maneuver the world around me for when my symptoms are more present. Today may not have been a perfect day but today I was able to recognize that not only is surrender is a key component to my recovery from my eating disorder and substance abuse disorder but it is a key component to living with Schizoaffective Disorder type depression. Today I can also recognize that each day I wake up eating disorder behavior free, each day I wake up clean and sober, and each day I wake up feeling rested and ready for another day is something I should be proud of. I have experienced what I thought would be my worst days in life and I am here to prove that I can do hard things and still come through on the other side with self-compassion and compassion for others, self-love and love of others, and finally a stronger sense of self that also allows me to be me instead of being who others want me to be. In conclusion I say this do not let your diagnosis keep you in a box that others in your life can use against you because you are far more then just your diagnosis.