Discovering Divergence
You know that feeling that you're not seeing the whole picture? Like, you have point A and point C, but point B is absent.
That's how I've felt virtually my entire life. It's like I'm seeing the world in fragments. Like there's gaps in my synapses. My entire world feels like a connect-the-dots. I'll do my best to portray this comprehensively but forgive me if it's not.
I was able to speak and walk sooner than most. That was the first thing my parents noticed that was a little different about me, but it was far from the last. I was enrolled in school a year before most, and that's when everything really kicked off.
I was reading, writing, and speaking well above my age. I was tested and showed to be at a college reading level by the time I was in middle school. I excelled in many areas of study. However, I was struggling in many, many things including being "normal."
I think the first time I called myself defective was in third grade. My school had "fun Friday," where if you behaved and passed all of your quizzes, you would get to have a field day on Friday. I was only included in 3 of those field days. This is because I was failing, horribly, at math.
My problem with math was largely an inability to focus. I could not make the process click with me, I could not keep my eyes on the numbers, I could not do the multi-step equations that I was asked to do. I would get lost in the process, constantly.
I asked for help. I explained my problem. The main responses that I got from the adults around me were "stop being lazy," "focus more," or "try harder." I did try harder. But my brain would bounce from daydream to daydream, thoughts flooding my senses and overriding my ability to understand what was in front of me. I felt alone, stupid, and defective. But I was told to try harder.
I had a habit of getting lost in thoughts. I still do. I would find myself gazing off into space, sometimes missing entire lessons, dreaming up stories and worlds and imaginary friends for myself. This largely happened in math because I grew to hate the subject by fourth grade. I couldn't understand it, I couldn't get help, so I ran away into my mind instead of listening to the teacher. This got me in a lot of trouble. I was labeled a problem child and a ditz. But, perhaps the biggest problem, was my mouth.
I used to talk until I ran out of breath. Rambling to anyone that would listen. About anything. Everything. I had so many thoughts and enjoyed so many things that I never ran out of material. Again, this got me in a lot of trouble. Time and time again, my desk was pushed to the front of the classroom into 'no man's land' as my teachers called it. This started my bullying.
My odd interests and intense fixations became subjects of ridicule. My jabberjaw got returned with a kurt "shut up" from most. My daydreams were punished. My excited blurts of an answer or unintended mimicking of another student's sniffle got me kicked off the jungle gyms. I became the weird kid. I didn't know why I was the way that I was, but I learned to hate myself for it.
In my teen years, I became a recluse. I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder and depression. I blamed those disorders for my executive dysfunction, scattered thoughts, quickness to become overwhelmed and my perpetually racing brain.
I'm sure you can imagine where this is going.
Come to find out. All this time later. As a full-grown woman. I have ADHD.
For twenty one years, I believed that I was stupid. Lazy. Defective. A daydreamer. Only to find out that I share the same disorder as my siblings, my cousins, and millions of others around the globe.
The thing that boggles my mind is how my own family missed it, while simultaneously recognizing the signs in my other family members. I suppose, seeing as I'm the oldest, I was the beta child. Rather than seeing a disorder, they saw the smart girl that needed more structure, not a doctor.
ADHD is dramatically underdiagnosed in females because of its history. The first studies on ADHD were done almost exclusively on males, and the findings were largely focused on the 'hyperactive' and 'impulsive' side of the disorder. But in recent years, it's noted that females tend to present with the more 'inattentive' symptoms. Because of this, girls with ADHD are mislabeled as daydreams, dim, or distracted. Girls like me are told to shape up, and learn to hate things about themselves that are quite literally hardwired into us. Our brains are different. Not defective.
Ugh, long post, but necessary. That is what I have for you today, thanks for reading.
