****TRIGGER WARNING***** PLEASE: Do NOT scroll through my blog if you are working towards, or are currently, in active recovery. This is a very graphic drug addiction blog. I do NOT reccomend, nor promote the use of illegal drugs. I am, in NO way, personally affiliated with any of the pictures used in my blog. --- I am 23 years old. & I am addicted to Crystal Meth. --- To a substance abuse counselor, I am what they would call a "Third Generation Drug Addict." Basically stating that I am a drug-addicted child of a drug-addicted mother and grandparents. So I guess what that means is, you could say being a junkie runs in my genes. From Day 1 I watched my mom struggle with her addiction... What little time she was around for us to witness at least. I saw first hand, (and fell victim to), the destruction and chaos drugs could do to a family. But that still didn't stop me from following in her footsteps when it was my turn to decide which path I would take. Methamphetamine was my life. At 20, I was sentenced by the court to enter rehab; where I have spent the last 3 years of my life. Barely 3 months ago, I moved back to my childhood home with 21 months clean from Heroin, and 3 YEARS clean from Meth. Needless to say, I was damn proud of myself, as was everyone else around me. I was me again. A better me. However; when the path presented itself once more, and I was made to choose, once more, my inner demons won the battle yet again. It has been almost 3 weeks since I chose to throw everything I had worked SO hard for down the drain. Like all that dedicated time, work, and effort meant nothing. Do I feel ashamed.? Of course. Am I horrified someone will find out.? Naturally. But, when something is placed in your grasp... Something that your mind, body and soul have ached for for SO long... How could you possibly turn it away... No... I snatched it and ran. So, here I am, yet again. Letting this weird obsession for my drug of choice take control of every ounce of my being. 3 wasted years later, and everything is just the same as it was before. Except worse in some ways. Being in recovery for that amount of time took a great deal of fight and courage. Both of which, honestly, I just don't have enough of anymore... I have always known there would be no escaping this demon. It will always be there. Lurking about in the shadows. Tapping at your edges when you're feeling vulnerable. Testing your boundaries for weaknesses.... But I never thought it would take me down so easily, without any trace of a fight. So, here's to the recovering addicts and alcoholics out there doing the damn thing. Keep fighting the good fight. As for me... I came, I saw, and I was conquored. For now at least, I am giving up the fight, and going with my demons, back into the shadows... Follow me.? I will take you to Hell.
I think the worst part about outgrowing people is having to outgrow yourself. You don't know who you are without them but holding onto this version also feels like a real identity crisis.
From the start, I knew we wanted different things; from fate, from life, from each other. So the ending was always going to be this way. But a part of me will always ache, wishing you wanted me enough to overcome all that.
nobody talks about how exhausting it is to live in that space between "things will get better" and "i can't handle this anymore." it's like your emotions are constantly swinging. leaving you both hopeful and defeated in the same day.
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