Crazy Ex-Girlfriend Song Lyrics Starters [Season 1 Edition]
Feel free to change pronouns and other things as you see fit! Warning for cursing, mentions of drugs, gendered slurs, and some nsfw elements.
“It happens to be where ____ lives, but that’s not why I’m here!”
“She’s so broken inside!”
“The situation is a lot more nuanced than that.”
“What a feeling of love in my gut–I’m falling faster than the middle school’s music program was cut!”
“And the sky seems to smile at me!”
“It’s all new, but I have no fear.”
“But don’t get me wrong, if he asked for a date, I would totally be like, that sounds great!”
“Sorry kids, budget cuts.”
“Hey ___, I wanna look good for you tonight.”
“Ah, let’s see how the guys get ready.”
“This is horrifying, like a scary movie or something.”
“You know what? I gotta go apologize to some bitches. I’m forever changed by what I’ve just seen.”
“So remarkable and weird, right?”
“I do shit with my body that no human should be able to do.”
“I’m so much better than you!”
“I’m not afraid of clowns and trains!”
“You’re everything that I wish I could be.”
“Wanna clone you and consume you, wanna own you and cartoon you!”
“Cause I’m feeling kinda naughty tonight.”
“Sorry I said that creepy stuff out loud.”
“I meant to say I wanna do cutesy stuff!”
“I used to be afraid of so much in this world.”
“Now if someone pulls a gun on me, I pull out my knife.”
“Sit on my lap like I’m Santa and listen to me.”
“That’s not how smoke or fire works.”
“If you’re scared of bees, get stung!”
“Reach for the stars! Literally touch the stars! Face your fears! Stars aren’t that hot.”
“I definitely have friends!”
“No one can say that I do not have friends!”
“I’m all the boy band you’ll ever need.”
“Baby, you can kiss all your childhood traumas goodbye.”
“We’re also a team of licensed medical professionals.”
“Cause we’re not just a boy band made up of four ___.”
“Come on cutie, get between my thighs!”
“And please don’t be a murderer.”
“Most people don’t know about the window.”
“Please don’t steal anything on the way.”
“Darling, just settle for me.”
“Say yes or no before I choke on all this swallowed pride.”
“Demeaning terms are all that I have left of my masculinity.”
“Let’s pretend I didn’t say that.”
“But I’m right here in flesh and blood and self-hate.”
“You can’t monopolize the bathroom at a taco festival!”
“I never knew a beauty like this before.”
“Yeah, it’s a weird visual, now that I think of it.”
“Having a daughter is just weird.”
“I’m a good person, better than you!”
“Newsflash, douchebags, I’m a good person!”
“Say it or I’ll kill your husband!”
“Prepare for your parents to be impressed.”
“I’m here to conquer, I’ve come to slaughter.”
“This is my business and I’m built for success.”
“___, you’re zip, zilch, and bupkis.”
“Gonna suck up and kiss ass!”
“I’ve never played piano before.”
“Cause if you look real close at those little hairs and veins, you’re like, ‘Hands are sort of gross’.”
“Hey, you sunburnt MILFs, give me a shout!”
“You’re not listening, so what’s the use?”
“I’m in a sexy French depression.”
“I can only breathe and sigh.”
“No, that would be absurd!”
“I can peek, but I have to be discreet!”
“I don’t mean that as an insult; I’m just stating it as fact.”
“Since when do you have a vendetta against vases?”
“Oh wait, you threw out your career!”
“Well, you can take your snow and shove it!”
“We’re all finding ourselves!”
“You have places to be, I get it.”
“Women gotta stick together!”
“This girl smells like sausages, but there’s nothing wrong with that.”
“Together we can clear these hurdles, except ___ 'cause she’s four foot eight!”
“The truth is you’re all fat sluts and that’s called sisterhood!”
“It’s logical, it’s obvious, it all makes perfect sense.”
“I remember the moment it began.”
“But I feel like I could die of happiness when I’m nestled in your hairless arms.”
“And you make all the difference in the world.”
“At this point, you’re probably aware I’m having a few people over.”
“Make yourself sexy, just for yourself!”
“If it’s just for myself, shouldn’t I be comfortable?”
“But I can’t see my lower back.”
“That term just occurred to me. It’s gonna catch on instantly!”
“I accidentally texted my mother-in-law a picture of my erection.”
“What matters is that I control your lives from the grave!”
“That would be a super weird crime.”
“He’s not the brightest, but he’s not as dumb as a rock.”
“Karma’s come to tap you on the shoulder.”
“You’re just a lying little bitch who ruins things.”
“But now the only thing I’m close to is defeat.”
“Do we really need all these nachos?”
“Then your buddies showed up and tore us apart.”
“I’m so afraid of horses!”
“Does the chef know what Mexico is?”
“I feel like I’m being gaslighted by this restaurant.”
“We’re not really sure. But most likely not.”
“There’s nothing I love more in life than a scalding hot shower.”
“Yeah, I don’t live here.”
“He’s fat catting it at fancy restaurants like Olive Garden!”
“And cold showers are the gateway drug to crack.”
“Since we were toddlers, I’ve studied every chink in your armor.”
“That tough act’s a bluff.”
“Your temper, you lost it; oh, cute!”
“Keeping your piehole shut would be quite wise.”
“We were frenemies at first spite!”
“Should we shake hands and erase the hate?”
“Can you hear a dripping sound?”
“That’s the chinky shower of glory.”
“I’m way too badass to be someone you settle for.”
“Oh yeah, I’m lettin’ my bi flag fly!”
“Whether you’re a he or a she, we might be a perfect fit.”
“It doesn’t take an intellectual to get that I’m bisexual!”
“I’m the villain in my own story.”
“Though I insist I’m the protagonist, it’s clear my soul is up for sale!”
“Actually, I shouldn’t do that–I’m terrible with money!”
“Is being the villain my destiny?”
“Let’s leave it vague; it’s more interesting that way.”
“Honestly, it’s a bit of a waste.”
“Whoop-dee-frickin’-doo, look at this guy!”
“But I don’t. But I could. But I don’t. But I could if I wanted to, yeah.”
“Who cares about throwin’ a ball or havin’ a kid?”
“I could make it good if I wanted to!”
“I’m blind! Holy crap! I literally can’t see!”
“I’m suing you and your heavy boobs!”
“I’m just that good! I didn’t even try!”
“Don’t ruin this for me.”
“My heart is hurting, and it feels…bad!”
“Punching! Feeling! Crying! Dah! Bad!”
“Oh my God, I think I like you.”
“I only wanna look in your eyes.”
“I’m tired of being your sidekick, your henchman, your eager little clown!”
“I broke into ____’s old high school and made copies of all his grades.”
“God, will your lies never end?’
"But beneath all that fantasy, there’s filth and there’s gore.”
“You’re nothing without me and my creativity!”
“The only words you need are 'I love you’.”
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