Deep Random Thoughts

Slowly taking over the world one block of the internet at a time!

[spykingar]

The Copier (or why I'm not some hermit when in fact I am simply annoyed with childish people who STILL haven't shown support.

Oh boy  long time no write. I don't like it anymore than you do dear reader. So, why not welcome myself back into the fold with a topic about my own personal drama? *crickets*.....Um... well to be fair it's more observations than anything else but something caught my guard. The idea that I'm suddenly a recluse when in fact people have given me nothing but strife for many a moon now. 

A person can only put up with so much narcissism and childish antics for so long. I realize I am off my A game at the moment due to the fact that I'm even wasting a blog entry on stupid nonsense, but hey, at least I'm getting it off my chest dear reader.

Now to the main topic at hand. THE COPIER!! The one who has the doppelganger boytoy of a "boyfriend." The weird, phony, awkward relationship that everytime I witness it I have to shake my head in frustration and disappointment. Why? Because I thought this person knew better. After all this time maybe I was only kidding myself. After observing people for so long and getting so good at it you sometimes turn the "switch" off and just let people be. Nobody wants a manipulator although, that's what I seem to have got.

Honestly I don't even want to talk about this outside the fact that it's been a train wreck of nonsense from people these past few weeks with a lot of drama and poor decision making from people who should know better. I won't dwell on that last one since it's not for me to tell but it's a doozy I can assure the reader. And yes, I'm still getting things off my chest.

I'll make a note here to say that who is really being copied is my beautiful fiance. Almost down to the letter at times. I am as well but only to an extent. I should say it's more like WE are copied together in unity.

I'm in the process of wanting to start over and it's going well so far but I think part of it is when the day of our wedding draws nearer and we start our lives officially together I mentioned how I'd like to move to her but in the back of my mind I wonder how "new" our neighbors will be.

I apologize dear reader for the rambling mess this blog post seems to be. Its mostly me being frustrated at the moment with a lot of people, and wanting to change,  grow, and move away from that negativity that they bring.

My next post should be more enlightening...whenever that happens to be of course ;)

[spykingar]

Escaping trampling one ladder at a time.

So the love of my life is having a b-day very soon. I'm excited doubly for the fact that it will be the first one we celebrate together since we started dating but also because we are now engaged. Recently so, but still. That of course changes things especially since my parents want to be involved in it in some way. I get it of course she is their future daughter in law and they of course want her in their life. So I thought hey it could be a nice little intimate setting. Not that I want to disregard others but we ARE engaged and I think that requires a little more delicacy then simply hanging around people who have given us the cold shoulder from the start. Since they are all living in either there personal narcissistic fantasies, they refuse to grow up, or they simply are so miserable they don't know any better. And suddenly I have to deal with adding them as well because they "just want something to do with the group." 

Um, that "group" as we all know it shattered some time ago. There are only fragments that cling to life through fear of change. I'm about to embark on a lot of change and I will admit I am afraid but that is part of life and we MUST embrace it. I'm about to start a new job which could be demanding. I'm about to start new classes which will also occupy my time. We are currently church shopping to free us from that debacle that occurred because again WE MUST. It's about growth, it's about taking that step of faith, it's about the adventure. I want to grow old with that woman and be surrounded by people who want the same thing. I want to find that couple (or two...) that gets that and will embrace us. Not some idealized version of us. Or the version they want us to be. 

Which is why we must strive to start anew. Find that church that we can grow with and support us as we grow with it. Is it an upward climb at times? Sure. Is it sometimes scary? It can be. Is it part of the human condition totally? Nah. We can break free from these things. I believe in a God of redemption. I believe in a God of strength who wants to give it to us if only we could take our blinders off for a moment. I could prattle on but the thing is I got away from the title.

We have been trampled. 

And Hard!

I've had enough of "friends" who only want to play that game. 

That party I mentioned earlier. I'm slightly convinced it's an excuse to dig up dirt on my fiancee and I. Also to act like foolish children and pretend to be friendly only to gain our good graces long enough to go back to your self centered, vapid, egotistical "hey look at ME" nature.

UGH!

It's time to rise above all that nonsense. I tire of it. Baby you know we'll make it through it all. One step at a time.

[spykingar]

BIG LIFE CHANGING NEWS!!!!

The love of my life said YES!!!!! We are in no hurry to rush things but to know that she will someday be my wife and I her husband brings me immeasurable joy. I love you to pieces baby!!!!

[spykingar]

"He's so Awesome, and Spiritually Mature!"....Yawn.

Okay, I'm going to cut right to the chase. I have a friend who is dating (someone younger mind you) a boy who from my keen observation skills doesn't seem like my friends type at all. The thing is the poor kid (and he is a kid) tries too hard. I think he's just excited that he got someone to like him at all. That being said whenever I hear spiritual mature coming out of certain mouths I cringe. Don't get me wrong I rather my friend date someone that is a Christian than anything else. Of course this friend is also someone who believes in evangelical dating. Take that as you will. I will simply do an eye-roll and shake my head. 

Of all my interactions with the poor guy he never once struck me as someone who "gets" it. I have no doubt he has his belief and sticks with it. That's all well and good but he unfortunately is a product of cookie cutter Christianity which produces a woman who think since the guy prays for them both he's a fountain of spiritual maturity. Don't get me wrong I was a product of that too that's why I can see it. I rebelled. I'm still rebelling. It's a battle I face everyday. 

Moving on to my next thought,  what does "Spiritually mature" even mean? Has he become a Zen master? Prays five times a day facing east? You get the picture. It can mean anything since we are a world of many (false) faiths. I know I'm sounding like I'm on my high horse, but a man can only listen to nonsense for so long. Don't get me wrong I'm glad he has his faith, but she's just scraping at the bottom of the barrel here. 

[spykingar]

The Future...is Now!?

I decided to do a rapid fire approach to blogging. Even though I wish to remain anonymous I will admit that these next few blogs I write (whenever I get around to it) will be of a more person manner compared to just my observations. Mostly to get my thoughts centered and focused. Blogging is just a glorified journal after all dear reader.

I will also make a disclaimer that I'm going to be rather forward rather quickly. 

My apologies....sort of...

I'm in relationship with an incredible woman whom I love dearly. I can't express that enough. Over the past few days due to a specific scenario I won't mention here we have come across a few pastors from our church. One in particular mentioned how he was stalking us on facebook of all things. He didn't put it in those terms, I did, but still. Anyways, he asked how serious we were and of course we told him we were quite serious and all that and after he was pleased by the answer he went on his merry way.

Today I just heard about another pastor who asked if we were going to get married to a third party. The third party wisely stayed out of it and left the matter to us.

With all that being said, do I want to marry that woman? YES!!!

Can I afford to do that right now? Sadly, no!

Which brings me to my next point. Jobs. I'm searching all over and I'm on the edge of a potential gold mine if they would just let me in. Lord willing I land this job (it should already be mine) will I turn around and propose right off the bat? Nah, not the time yet. 

My point in writing all this is to showcase that there comes a point in a man's life when it's time to "grow up" and take life more seriously. I've been there for quite some time now but it wasn't until I realized how much people are paying attention to us. Don't get me wrong, I'm quite flattered but it's real. I'm not dating her just to date. It's for the future. It's for that "someday." Are there ups and downs? Of course, such is life. These past two weeks have been a little rough but that makes us stronger. The moment I told her I loved her I knew it would be forever. That's a love I'll die for if it comes to it. Such is the point when a man knows his life is pointless without someone else in it. I'm such a hopeless romantic at heart despite my gruff exterior. It's sappy, I know.

To this I say: sweetheart I'll pursue you till the Sun itself gives out and I'll search for you even if it takes me to the other side of the globe or to the out most reaches of space itself. (Anyone want to fund my rocket ship design?) 

There. That's real folks. That's passion, and life, and worry, and freedom, and even a little silliness all rolled up into one quick blog topic. I wouldn't have it any other way.

[spykingar]

The stupid "you should take a week off" idea or let's pretend we're in 9th grade!

A long title for sure but it was the only way to say what needed to be said. My girlfriend and I have a mutual friend who has been a source of frustration lately. Within the last week or so she told my girlfriend that we should take a week off from each other. I was of course upset that again we are subject to a middle school/high school mentality. No one that truly considers themselves an adult takes breaks. That idea is built upon the selfish notion that your significant other is a commodity and you can take breaks at will. This is nothing but a waste and I would rather get down to the nitty gritty of life (which our parents generation did without the notion of "breaks.") I still can't even acknowledge this as even an idea. It's the anti idea. Of course this is coming from someone that has been spoiled most of her life and cannot fathom a scenario where she does not use someone. I am being harsh and to the reader I do apologize, but when you have to deal with annoying behavior it sometimes becomes taxing. What does a normal couple do you ask? They don't take breaks for one thing. They spend time together and when the going gets tough or one of them is going through a hard time the other lends them their strength. This is no brainier information to people at large outside children apparently. I'm being harsh again. Let me just say this: I deeply love and adore my girlfriend. She's my best friend and the one for me that it seems I searched a thousand years for. With that said and I always tell her this I am there for her. Through the good times, bad times, and the crazy times. Which the latter is mostly the case and she would agree ;). I'll close this entry with one final thought: breaks are a form of cowardice. No man worth anything walks away for a week. And for what? So you can waste another week being a selfish ass when you should be lifting the other person up. This whole thing is preposterous. Until next time fair reader. P.S. Remember this friend with bad advice has a boyfriend...yeah I know...

[spykingar]

The double date with my doppelganger

So last night my girlfriend and I finally made plans to go on a double date with a mutual friend and her boy toy. I wasn't expecting much but thought maybe he can surprise me. Turns out he's quite arrogant guy who really either tried too hard to earn our friendship or tried to play the superiority card on us. It didn't take long after that for me to start tuning him out. I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt and to be honest I still want to just so far he's rocking a 25% approval rating. 

Never mind the fact that the whole relationship seems designed to happen by two desperate people. One hasn't dated in maybe 4 years at the least and the other was just recently rejected by another friend within the last couple of months. Which leads to the not so fun fact that this could very well be the rebound relationship for one of them. I'll leave it for the reader to decide who's who on that one. 

Which now leads me to my next thought. My girlfriend told me today that this certain 'boy' has some resemblance to me. We both like music and play instruments (guitar.) He's a sloppy dresser. I used to be one. He's cheap. I'm apparently cheap as well. There are other little things as well. I guess my friend is trying to find a cheap, lame, bastardized version of me as a boyfriend. I find that odd although she at one point considered me and one other person who closest guy friends. I don't know where I stand with her now as I find the whole scenario very bizarre and their whole dating relationship clumsy and awkward. 

We'll see if things improve in the friendship department with them. Until then I'll keep my eyes open for any and all different scenarios.

[spykingar]

The everything is back to normal dilemma...

Why start off with that title? Because I have a friend who no matter how badly she mistreats you or is inconsiderate of other's feelings outside her own thinks with one quick text apology everything is peachy. Maybe she just wants to truly patch things up but I've been friends with her for years now and I've seen this behavior time and time again. She can be quite unmerciful at times and if you ever bring it up prepare to be blacklisted. I know. I've been there. Or close to it. She can't take any heat that comes her way whether that's because she doesn't like conflict (very few people do) or she doesn't have the maturity to withstand it all. 

The reason I write this at all is because recently my girlfriend and I have been given the shaft when we thought we were wanted at an event. It was just a simple social gathering that this friend wanted us at but the way we were treated after arriving is nothing short of embarrassing. To not have seats saved or to even acknowledge we are there (and I don't count text messages) is not how friends react. Am I overreacting? Possibly. It's just after all is said and done I have this thought that now she feels that she can continue to do these things because hey she "apologized" and we are just supposed to take it. It was hurtful to my girlfriend and if she's hurt I hurt.  

Can things be remedied and fixed? Sure of course. Does that still mean our friend should continue to get away with treating others this way? Definitely not. That being said we must tread lightly from here on out so as not to make a scene with someone who already thinks that "everything is back to normal."

[spykingar]

Isolation and annoyance

This is where I throw my hat into the ring of blogging again, but I wasn't planning on writing about this from the get go. My sweet girlfriend wanted to meet up later after I get some school work done (which this is decidedly in the way of for a moment). The idea of course was for us to meet up at a restaurant that is the norm for our friends to provide more sources for our extra curricular activities. I admittedly and shamefully dismissed it as I figured we would only be annoyed. She then mentioned how she didn't want to be isolated from others and even mentioned how they are all we have. 

I am disappointed in the fact that people that cause us so much frustration are apparently all we have at the moment. To the point she even apologized for bringing it up. From the moment we started dating I always wanted to find "that couple" that we could befriend and share life together on double dates and such. Or even a two separate couples for multiple nights of the week. I jest but the point still stands. If we can find  The idea of having large quantity of friends has faded as I become older and wiser. The high school mentality of "more is better" has proven to be shallow. 

That leaves me with the troubling thought that although I am getting closer to finding these couples for us we are still stuck where we are at with people for the lack of a better term have let us down. I'm always glad that my girlfriend has her time to hang with her girlfriends because it's healthy for us to be apart. It's starting to dawn on me that I need to find closer friends for the both of us. I never intended on it to be us versus the world. I feel that I let her down in that regards and hopefully this will be the motivation I need to really see what and who is out there for us as friends. Without having to write out a manifesto after we meet them would be a nice bonus.